Fellow Hoodians, admirers, royal subjects, and royal rejects. Thank you for choosing my first book, Queen Red Riding Hood’s Guide to Royalty, as your reading selection. I can’t imagine the anticipation, enthusiasm, and admiration coursing through your feeble bodies as you hold your very own copy. Before you excite yourself to the point of needing medical attention, I must thank you for the hours and/or days I assume you waited in line to purchase it. And to ease those uncontrollable thoughts of unconditional gratitude, just know the pleasure is all mine!

I’m certain your simple minds are all wondering the same thing. “Why would our astonishing queen go out of her way to write a book?” I thought the same thing when I first sat down to write it. The truth is, wherever I go, there are always crowds of devoted followers asking me the same questions: “Your Majesty, how do you do it? How do you manage to govern a prosperous kingdom, endure countless adventures, and maintain such beauty and poise so effortlessly?” Since I do not have the time (or the patience) to respond to each individual, I decided to compile my numerous secrets into this book to answer all your pressing questions at once. You’re welcome.

The idea first came to me one evening while I was lounging in my newly refurnished library. I had just finished a charming and silly little play called Hamhead by William Shakyfruit—excuse me, Hamlet by William Shakespeare. I was looking for another humorous read from the Otherworld when I came upon a delightful book called The Prince by Nicole Macarena—or was it Niccolò Machiavelli? Well, whatever her name was, I thought it was a splendid story! In summary, The Prince was a guide to monarchy! Isn’t that marvelous? It gave helpful hints on managing a government, making the proper alliances, and keeping respectable appearances. The best part of reading the book was realizing I’ve been doing everything correctly since my coronation! Although I doubt that surprises you.

However helpful Ms. Machiavelli’s words were, I couldn’t help feeling her book was a little outdated. It may have had its purpose at one point in time, but it isn’t relevant to politics today—just like ruffled bloomers (more on that in my next book, Queen Red Riding Hood’s Guide to Style).

Since I am the beacon of ideal leadership, I felt it was my duty to give the seminal classic a makeover! Who else could possibly be qualified for the job? For the next several minutes, or however long it takes to write a book, I will combine the concepts of The Prince with the constant requests of my people and create my own guide for future royals to follow and future royalists to treasure. Again, you’re welcome.

History will see this guide as one of the greatest literary achievements of our time, because as queen, I have control over what history remembers. So, curl up with your copy in a cozy corner of your own library. Give your servants a list of meaningless tasks so that you aren’t bothered. If you have children, tell your nannies to keep them at a ballroom’s-length distance. Give your House of Parliament, Congress, or Progress the day off. Relax and enjoy this historical triumph!