Nothing can damage a monarch’s reputation like a scandal. Your enemies will constantly be on the lookout for something they can use to tarnish your name, whether it’s political or personal. Since a scandal is bound to surface during your reign, I wouldn’t waste your time trying to prevent the inevitable—that would be exhausting! Instead, save your energy for when a scandal presents itself and then put all your effort into making the scandal work for you!

A couple years ago, I was on the brink of a humiliation that almost cost me the throne. Luckily, I brilliantly spun the situation to work in my favor and make my criticizers look like terrible and heartless people. Remember, when someone points a finger at you, they point three at themselves (unless they have hooves; then ignore this expression).

You must develop a talent for finding what your enemies’ opposing fingers are pointing at! Anyone willing to openly criticize you will undoubtedly have something for you to criticize back! I’ll explain….

One afternoon, I treated my royal subjects to a delightful lunch at the castle. Everyone was there—Granny, the Little Old Woman from the Shoe Inn, the third Little Pig, Sir Jack Horner, Lady Muffet, and Sir BaaBaa Blacksheep. But the Three Blind Mice showed up late because their nephew, Hickory Dickory, had gotten into some trouble with a clock again. (Where is Puss in Boots when you need him?)

We were having a wonderful time gossiping about notable people in the kingdom. We laughed over our suspicions of what really happened between Jack and Jill on the hill, if Humpty Dumpty’s widow had anything to do with his death, and if Georgie Porgie’s current relationship would outlast the previous disasters—the usual topics.

Suddenly, the Little Old Woman blurted out, “Did you hear the chatter about Queen Red?”

The poor dear is hard of hearing and has gone senile in recent years (I probably would, too, if I lived in a boot with 150 grandchildren). She had obviously forgotten she was in my presence. Other monarchs may have taken offense to this, but it’s actually the reason I keep the Little Old Woman around. If you want unbiased social insight, I recommend befriending an absentminded old lady with nothing to prove.

“Can’t say I have,” I said through a pained smile. “Please share.”

The other subjects were mortified. They gestured for her to be quiet, but the Little Old Woman thought they were just eager to hear.

“The rumor in our sewing group is that she’s shacking up with a large amphibian!” she said with excited eyes. “It’s a cross-species catastrophe!”

I turned pale and my chest felt very tight (my corset didn’t help). I was shocked, not because it was an outrageous lie but because it was true—I just had never thought of it that way! The public is excellent at making things seem as bad as possible.

“You mean Charlie?” I said. “But he isn’t just a frog—he’s a prince on the inside!”

My subjects batted their eyes pityingly at me. The third Little Pig patted my shoulder sympathetically.

“Love is in the eye of the beholder,” he said.

“No, I mean he’s LITERALLY a prince!” I said. “He was cursed to look like a frog by a witch when he was young! I would never be interested unless I knew there was a royal somewhere inside him!”

“Well, I suppose it’s what’s inside that counts,” Granny said.

Regardless, this was terrible news! If the kingdom elders were talking about it as they crocheted tea cozies, the rest of the kingdom was surely talking about it, too! It would only be a matter of time before my relationship with Charlie was deemed unnatural or demonic and I would be labeled a freak and unfit to lead! I had to do something drastic. And I had to do it fast!

The next day I called the entire kingdom to the castle. I stepped out onto the balcony and announced the following to the crowd below:

“Fellow Hoodians, because of your adorable obsession with me, I trust you’ve all heard the rumor about my relationship with the frog man. At this time, I feel I must tell you that this rumor… is absolutely true!”

A collective gasp swept through the crowd. I tend to be dramatic when addressing my people, but it’s very important to entertain them. The more stimulating you are, the more people show up when you summon them.

“I recently heard our relationship referred to as a cross-species catastrophe! This was very troubling, and it concerned me so much I lost twenty minutes of sleep last night. You see, this frog man is an amphibian only on the outside. Inside, he’s the long-lost Charming prince who was cursed to look like a frog many years ago. I’ve chosen to love him despite his flaws, just as I love you.”

(Do you see what I did there? I replaced their mistrust with sympathy! Goooooo, Queen Red!)

“Even though people have spread word of our relationship in an attempt to hurt me, I already forgive you for believing it. It takes a person of impeccable judgment to look past a person’s appearance, so I would never expect you to see him as I do.”

(When you can, guilt people into loving you! It’s as effective as it is fun.)

“However, what troubled me the most was not that it was characterized as a cross-species relationship, but that everyone’s immediate reaction was to shun it as an offense against nature. Are we still living in the Dragon Age? I would hope by now we’re sophisticated enough to realize love is love, regardless of age, color, gender, and yes, species. That is why I would like to publically declare that, as long as I am your queen, everyone in my kingdom will have the right to love whomever they wish!”

The declaration was met with an enthusiastic round of applause. I even had to clap for myself—I turned a scandal conspired against me into something my people could respect and admire me more for. I’d like to see Cinderella top that!

A farmer in the front of the crowd raised his hand.

“Yes, noble farmer?” I asked. “What is your question?”

“Does this mean I can marry my cow?” he asked.

I definitely wasn’t expecting this.

“That depends,” I said. “Does your cow love you as much as you love it? Do you miss each other when you’re apart? Does your cow embody your happiness? Do you look into each other’s eyes and know you’ve found your other half?”

The farmer shook his head. “No, she just eats grass all day.”

“Does she even talk?” I asked.

“No,” he said. “She’s a simple cow.”

At this point, I couldn’t hide my annoyance. “Then no! You can’t marry your cow. And you’re ridiculous for asking.”

“Your Majesty?” a woman asked. “Then what’s the difference between loving a cow and loving the frog man?”

“Seriously, people?” I asked. “Do I really need to spell this out for you?”

Judging by the blank doe-eyed expressions on the dirty faces throughout the crowd, I did.

“There is a major difference between an animal who can communicate and reason, and one who grazes all day,” I said. “No one should marry anything they can’t share a conversation or a mutual hobby with.”

“But what if I liked to eat grass all day, too?” the farmer asked. “Are we allowed to love each other if there are similar interests?”

It was one of the first times I wanted to take off my tiara and throw it at someone. Now do you see why I’m the queen?

“As long as both parties can definitively express their happiness and desire to be with the other, fantastic! Otherwise, no! Those are the best guidelines I can give you.”

“Fair enough,” the farmer said, and the rest of the crowd nodded along with him.

“Would you recommend being in a cross-species relationship?” the woman asked. “Like, if I haven’t found the right human yet, should I broaden my search?”

“I’m not saying one is better than the other,” I specified. “I’m just saying we should all have an open mind when it comes to love. You’ll never really know what you’re looking for until you find it. Trust me, I spent years pursuing the man I thought was the love of my life. He was the closest thing to perfection I had ever known, besides myself, so I was certain we were meant for each other. Thankfully, I learned I was wrong before it was too late. I found true happiness with someone who was the opposite of what I was looking for. He’s not the definition of perfection, but he’s perfect to me.”

“Are you talking about Jack?” the farmer said. “Is he the man you pursued?”

“Of course she’s talking about Jack!” another woman said. “Everyone knows she was madly in love with Jack!”

“Hold on a second!” I yelled. “Everyone knew that?”

The crowd nodded in unison.

“Didn’t Jack choose an outlaw over you, Your Majesty?” a child asked. “At least, that’s what all the children at school say.”

My face suddenly felt very warm and my jewelry felt extra heavy.

“Well, I think that’s enough groundbreaking history for one afternoon. Now, I must be alone to think about matters of the kingdom. Enjoy the rest of your day!”

There you have it: a travesty avoided! I masterfully went to the root of the issue and turned a weed into a beautiful flower! Not to mention making history in the process—and all before afternoon tea! I sure pity the monarchs who will succeed me; no one will be able to hold a candle to my reign!