If there’s one thing I enjoy, it’s a good party! I’m always looking for an excuse to throw one. Whenever one of my friends or relatives has a birthday or celebrates a special occasion, I put together a huge extravaganza in their honor. And sometimes they even attend!

Having a party on the horizon is a great way to get through a difficult situation. Every time I get kidnapped or narrowly escape death (which happens so often you’d think they were my hobbies), I plan a special event in my head. Just knowing you’ll be surrounded by friends, music, games, food, drinks, and matching furniture can bring a little sunshine to the cloudiest days.

This trick was tremendously helpful when the Enchantress kidnapped me. There I was, strapped to a wall by enchanted vines with all the other royals. The fear of death wasn’t even the worst part; we had to suffer through hours of a repetitive soliloquy as the Enchantress bragged about her universal domination—it’s a wonder our ears didn’t bleed!

As I looked around at all the gloomy faces, a little voice in my head whispered, “Wouldn’t it be fun to have an ‘I survived the Enchantress’ party when this mess is over?” Instantly my frown was turned upside down and the party-planning gears in my head rotated at full speed. I was so excited I almost forgot I had been kidnapped at all.

What kind of party did I want it to be? Being held prisoner always gives me an appetite, so I figured a dinner party would be the most fun to think about. Where did I want to have the party? I had just remodeled my castle, so naturally I wanted to show it off. Who was I going to invite? All the captive royals around me looked like they could use a party. I figured it might be nice to spend time together by choice for a change. Maybe it would make the next time we were imprisoned together more enjoyable.

With my plans in motion, I began passing out verbal invitations while the Enchantress was on another tangent of self-congratulations.

“Pssssst, Snow White,” I whispered. “Snow White, over here!”

Snow White was a little wrapped up in the situation, so it took a while to get her attention. “What is it, Red?” she whispered back.

“I want to invite you and Chandler to my castle for dinner!” I said, and gave her a thumbs-up.

“Um… sounds nice…,” Snow White said. She wasn’t as enthusiastic as I’d hoped, but I couldn’t blame her given what we were going through at the time. Not everyone knows how to handle a crisis as well as I do.

“Hey, Sleeping Beauty!” I whispered, but she was either too far to hear or just ignoring me. “If you can hear me, you and Chase are invited to my castle for dinner once this ordeal is over!”

“Red, what are you doing?!” Rapunzel whispered to me.

“I’m inviting everyone to my castle for a party,” I said.

“The Enchantress is about to kill us! We’re not going to have a party!” Rapunzel snipped.

“Not with that attitude,” I said. “You’re not invited if you’re going to be such a downer!”

Rapunzel was probably just upset I hadn’t asked her first. I turned my head to Goldilocks and Jack, who were pinned to the wall next to me.

“Goldilocks, you and Jack should come to—”

“We already have plans,” Goldilocks said before I could finish. Typical! You’d think a fugitive would be more fun.

While I’ve never been the biggest fan of Cinderella’s, it would have been rude not to include her, since I was inviting everyone else.

“Cinderella!” I said, and we made eye contact. “This probably isn’t the best time, but I’m going to host a dinner at my castle. I would love to have you and Chance come if you’re not busy. No children, though, so get a sitter for Hope—sorry about her getting kidnapped, by the way! Worst week ever, am I right?”

“Uh-huh,” she mumbled.

In the end, everyone had panicked for no reason. The Enchantress was defeated, we were all freed, and life returned to normal.

The Enchantress taking over the world was nothing compared to the stress of planning the party! I’d never realized how much pressure comes with hosting a party for royals until I got into the thick of things! I regretted inviting them the minute I started making plans. But to no surprise, I rose to the occasion and planned a lovely and successful evening!

Here are some recommendations should you ever host one yourself—especially if I’m invited.

Impressing from the Start

Remember, unlike your friends and relatives, royal families are accustomed to exquisite things. It’s almost impossible to impress them! So here’s my method of planning: Picture an evening from start to finish filled with things that would impress you—now double that expectation! Now take that image and add as many shiny objects as you can visualize without having a seizure. That will still underwhelm them, but stop there. Anything more than that will seem tacky.

I was worried they might have forgotten about my party after that whole “end of the world” thing we survived. So I sent two dozen horn players and a minstrel to each of their palaces to perform a musical invitation as a subtle reminder.

It took me two weeks of meticulous planning to make our evening a spectacular event to remember. The dining room was decorated in gold tablecloths and gold candlesticks. I had twelve of my favorite portraits of me hung so we would have something pleasant to look at while we ate. I also had all the floors recarpeted, all the art cleaned, and all the furniture reupholstered in the other rooms just in case someone wanted a tour.

Not only did the castle have to look its best, but also the kingdom needed to look better than ever. I traveled around the kingdom and ordered my people to clean up their yards, paint their barns, and keep their unattractive family members indoors. On the day of the dinner, I made my citizens line the streets in their best clothes—bonnets and bowties, I said. They smiled and waved at the royals as they entered our kingdom and traveled to my castle.

I waited on the landing of the grand staircase in the entrance hall, dressed in my best gown, hood, gloves, and jewels, and greeted each of the monarchs as they arrived. It’s important to be playful when welcoming other heads of state. There’s nothing worse than hosting a stiff dinner.

“Cinderella, you look wonderful! Who says you need a Fairy Godmother’s help to put a look together?!” “Sleeping Beauty, my, how rested you look! I wish someone would curse me to sleep for one hundred years!” “Darling Rapunzel, I love what you’ve done with your hair! Is the rest of it still making its way out of your carriage?” “Oh my, Snow White! Are you all right? It looks like you’ve seen a ghost!”

Snow White looked at me oddly and then finally sighed. “Oh, it’s a joke… because I’m so pale… Funny.”

“I hope you all had pleasant journeys! How do you all like my kingdom?” I asked.

“It’s… cute,” Cinderella said. “Do your people always line the streets and wave at your guests?”

“Were they doing that again? Oh, those silly dears. I told them it wasn’t necessary! They just love welcoming people to their beautiful home.”

“I wouldn’t say it was welcoming,” Sleeping Beauty said. “It was a little unsettling, actually, like something in a nightmare. I was afraid they were going to attack our carriage.”

All the royals nodded along with concerned eyes. Perhaps the citizens were a bit much.

“Well, with the amount of time you’ve slept, I’m sure everything reminds you of a nightmare.” I laughed awkwardly. “Who’s hungry?”

Making Special Accommodations

Royals like feeling special (it’s in our genes), so it’s your job to make them feel special while they’re in your home. This can be challenging when hosting multiple guests who wear crowns. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be an obnoxious display of affection (although one wouldn’t hurt if I’m in your home). All we need is a little something to show that you put our personal needs into consideration.

For example, as I escorted my guests to the dining room, I made a point to show Cinderella where all the exits were.

“Why are you showing me these?” Cinderella asked. “Do you want me to leave?”

“Of course not!” I said. “It’s just in case you need to make a mad dash at midnight. We all know you’re usually the first one out the door.”

“That’s kind of you,” she said, “but I’m not planning to leave earlier than anyone else. The Fairy Godmother is watching Princess Hope tonight, so there’s no curfew! I’ll happily sit at your side until the evening comes to an end.”

“Oh, you were planning to sit with us?” I said. “I had them set a special place for you with the servants downstairs. I figured you’d be more comfortable given your history of service.”

Judging by her face, this was more kindness than she was willing to accept. I assured her it would be no trouble to have them set an extra place in the dining room. I think I gained major points with Cinderella that night. We might even be considered friends now! It’s amazing what a little hospitality can do.

Before the appetizer was served, while Charlie was entertaining the men and Granny was showing the women my portraits, I pulled Snow White aside.

“Just to let you know, I made sure tonight’s meal would be entirely apple-free,” I said with an adorable wink. “I didn’t want you to be worried about dietary restrictions tonight.”

“Oh, thank you,” Snow White said. “But just so you know, I’m not allergic to apples. The one my stepmother tried to kill me with was poisoned—it could have harmed anyone. I actually like apples.”

“Ah,” I said. “That’s what I meant. I told my chef, ‘absolutely no poisoned apples tonight!’ We’ll send those to the orphanage.”

Snow White never laughs at my jokes. I have a feeling my humor is above her comprehension, the poor thing. I even had the chef bring out an apple with a small sign that read NOT POISONED. She didn’t laugh at that, either.

Roughly halfway through the first course, Sleeping Beauty gently tapped me on the shoulder.

“Red, out of curiosity, why is there a pillow next to my place setting?” she asked.

“I had that placed there in case you needed to take a rest,” I explained. “Don’t worry, I won’t be offended in the slightest. I can’t imagine how the curse affected your sleep cycle.”

“Thank you, but I won’t be needing it,” she said defensively. “Now that my kingdom has been restored and the Enchantress is gone for good, I’ve been sleeping quite regularly.”

The poor thing must have been in denial about it. Later in the evening, during one of my longer toasts, I caught her dozing off for a bit. (Now that I mention it, Granny and Charlie had fallen asleep, too. There must have been something in the soup.)

Conversation

A gathering is only as good as the chemistry between its guests. It’s wise to come up with a list of topics beforehand to keep your company stimulated. I wanted to discuss intelligent matters that would spark everyone’s interest. Dinner conversation isn’t fun unless everyone can partake and enjoy it. So this is the list I came up with, which you may use as a template:

1. How has Queen Red influenced you the most?

2. What is something about the Red Riding Hood Kingdom you wish you could do with yours?

3. Which of Queen Red’s dresses is your favorite?

4. Why is your Prince Charming the most charming?

5. How has Queen Red recently impressed you?

6. If my prince hadn’t rescued me, I would probably be _________ right now.

7. Which great leader, living or dead, does Queen Red remind you of?

8. Mermaids: Fish or Mammals?

9. If you had Rapunzel’s hair, what’s the craziest thing you’d do with it?

10. Damsels in distress: Are cries for help really just cries for attention?

11. What’s one of Queen Red’s qualities you wish you had more of?

12. Describe your ideal happily-ever-after.

Be Prepared for the Worst

Usually, the more important an occasion is, the more likely something will go terribly wrong. That’s just the way it is. So if you’re going to host a dinner for royalty, you need to be prepared for ANYTHING.

As you plan your event, carefully assess everything that could go wrong. By the time my guests arrived, there wasn’t a single disruption I hadn’t planned for.

• Although Snow White wasn’t on the throne during the C.R.A.W.L. Revolution, I didn’t want any hard feelings to surface between us. So, every time Granny brought up “the war against the north” (which is quite a bit when she gets around new people), I instructed a server to interrupt her with the next course.

• Unbeknownst to my guests, my pockets were full of bones to toss at Clawdius in case he got into trouble. The closest call was when I caught him chewing on Rapunzel’s hair under the table. Luckily she didn’t notice the large chunk he had eaten. (That couldn’t have been easy to digest!)

• A butler was standing in the hall with a bucket of water during the entire meal should anything or anyone catch on fire. After my first castle burned down, I learned I had flammable taste.

• The knights’ armor that decorated the corners of the dining room actually had soldiers inside them should a war or a revolution break out before dessert.

• I had the chef prepare an extra plate if someone brought an unexpected guest without telling me. My hunch proved to be right, because as the main course was being served, Cinderella found one of her pet mice had snuck into her pocket before leaving the Charming Palace. A normal person would think the dinner table was an inappropriate place for a rat—not Cinderella! She requested the extra plate and the rodent ate an entire rack of lamb by itself. Apparently, you can take the girl out of service, but you can’t take the service out of the girl.

• I even had exit routes planned in the event of a natural disaster. There was no earthquake, flood, fire, or famine that was going to rain on my parade!

All in all, thanks to my extraordinary coordinating skills, the dinner was a huge success! There wasn’t a single hitch! Each king and queen left much happier than they arrived and we made a plan to make plans of doing it again at someone else’s palace.

I haven’t heard from any of them, but that doesn’t dishearten me. Obviously, my dinner was such a smash, they were all too intimidated to follow it! You know, if this queen thing doesn’t work out, I think I have a great backup career. Perhaps Queen Red Riding Hood’s Guide to Event Planning should have been my first book.