40	Sever toxic relationships

Just as some arguments need to be ended forever, some relationships are too toxic to keep up. You know the type: the overly needy friend who’s never there for you when you need him, the person you’re dating who’s kind of controlling, the ex you keep going back to even though she doesn’t love you and always makes you feel like crap. Everyone has been in these kinds of relationships, and rarely do they improve over time: The longer you stay in a toxic relationship, the more likely it is to escalate and mess with your life. You’ve got too much to do, and there are too many amazing people in the world to waste your time with drama. Cut ’em off, and breathe a little easier.

HOW TO DO IT

How to go about severing a toxic relationship depends entirely on the situation and the relationship itself. If you’re still in close contact and feel that the person will respond maturely to a straightforward rejection, gently deliver the news that it’s over. If you’ve already attempted this approach and the person hasn’t responded well and is still imposing on your life, make a real effort to ignore his or her phone calls, texts, Facebook posts, and emails, and maintain that same indifference when it comes to any face-to-face advances as well. The person should eventually get the hint that you’re not interested in a friendship anymore. This approach requires an enormous exercise of will. You’ll have to stand your ground to avoid sending mixed signals. If you feel like engaging, call or write to a good friend instead. Or, go for a run. Anything else.

Just a bad friend, or an abusive friend?

Here are some of the signs of abusive relationships:

  The person constantly keeps tabs on you.

  You feel like you’re losing your mind over the relationship.

  The person makes you feel like everything is your fault, or turns all his or her questionable deeds around on you.

  You’re constantly bending over backward to please the person while devaluing your own thoughts and beliefs.

  There are insane ups and downs, from explosive verbal abuse to pleading apologies.

If you’ve been the victim of abuse, visit your school’s psychological services department for help, or go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at hotline.org, which addresses many forms of abuse and offers professional, confidential guidance by phone.

If these approaches don’t work, and you’re beginning to sense that you’re in danger from a former friend, consult campus police. The situation may not get to that point, and all you’ll need to do is give the relationship some distance, but it’s good to be aware of potential danger, just in case.