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Asian boys can be a funny, contradictory breed.
One particular online conversation brought this to my attention. A guy whose username was Badboy123 got in touch with me last week. I should have known better than to respond based on his choice of moniker alone. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.
His initial messages were friendly and respectful enough. You know, the usual stuff around hobbies, work and all that crap you spout before getting to the business end of the conversation, i.e. exchanging pictures or phone numbers. Though I hadn’t seen what he looks like, his credentials stacked up. He’s a 29-year-old architect from Warrington, which is half an hour from where I live. So far, so good.
He told me about a live chat function on the site that enables MSN-style conversations in real time. This, it turns out, is a mixed blessing. On one hand, it’s good that we can have more of a ‘conversation’ – rather than sporadic messages – without having to exchange numbers. But the downside is that akin to a phone call, you can’t think out your response.
And boy did he put me on the spot:
BadBoy123: And a hello to you! How ya doin?
Me: I’m good thanks, how are you?
Badboy123: All good, I’m working on-site on a project today. We’re building a care home in Salford.
Me: Cool, are you doing any of the building work, or don’t architects get their hands dirty.
Badboy123: Pfft. Nah man, eff that. That’s for my minions, innit?
Me: That’s a nice way to talk about your team!
Badboy: I’m joking. They’re sound but ultimately I make the decisions. They do the donkey work.
I don’t know what to say in response to that.
Badboy123: Are you at work?
I look around just to check nobody is hovering. Fiona’s making another coffee and Peter has his head down at his desk, no doubt doing proper work. Luckily Maggie’s out on a client meeting so my chances of being spotted skiving are slim.
Me: Yes, though I’d use the term loosely as I’m clearly not working right now.
Badboy123: Hmmm... int-er-esting. So what are you doing later?
Me: Not sure yet, nothing planned.
Badboy123: Yeah, pull the other one. I bet you’re meeting other lads off the internet, innit?
Me: Err... no.
Badboy123: But I bet you get lots of offers, innit?
Again, not sure how to respond.
Badboy123: So have you been in a relationship before?
Woah! That knocked me sideways. I could see he was fishing but his segue was only marginally better than Fiona’s non-existent one.
This is super dicey territory.
For the record, I have no boyfriend history to speak of. This comes as a surprise to many, given that I’m not in possession of three heads. Some people are even more surprised to hear this as I lived away from home during my university years. This is generally a rite-of-passage time when good girls cut loose and date anyone with a pulse.
However, while I had the odd admirer, I didn’t dare date. Why? Because while most Bengali girls are God-fearing, I am very, very, very parent-fearing. Being the first girl to go away to university, I didn’t want to do anything to let mum and dad down. At the same time, I wanted to fit in a little, so I chose my allies wisely. My friends were the girls who looked with their eyes (let’s be honest – everybody looks) but didn’t act on their impulses.
I was not expecting to be asked about this in such a forum. My first thought was to ignore Badboy123’s question. I contemplated logging off and then getting back to him when I’d had the time to think of what to say. But that would look even iffier. So instead, I gave the worst possible answer.
Rather than a straight no, I say: No, nothing serious.
As soon as I hit send, I wish I hadn’t. Nothing serious? I sound like a right floozy. It also doesn’t help that I peppered in words like ‘dirty’ and ‘loosely’ in our last conversation. As Sophia says, it doesn’t take much to get a man thinking all sorts.
I look at our chat screen. There’s a pen icon next to his name, suggesting he’s typing. Our conversation just gets awkward.
Badboy123: Nothing serious? Mmm... In-ter-esting.
Me: No, sorry. I meant I haven’t had a relationship before.
Badboy123: You serious?
Me: Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?
Badboy123: I’m surprised. Why not?
Me: Erm, I just haven’t. I guess I didn’t want to mess around too much before marriage. Why are you so surprised?
Badboy123: So you messed around a bit (winky face icon)?
He’s trying to catch me out. What a shit. I don’t reply. I’m not playing his games.
Badboy123: It’s just that most girls I know have been in relationships. Unless there’s something wrong with them.
Oh great, he’s doing the opposite of slut-shaming... he’s making me out to be a weirdo or prude and judging me for it.
Me: Have you been in a relationship before?
Badboy123: Oh... fuck yes.
Now there’s really no need to swear at this point.
Me: Have you had a few relationships?
Badboy123: Yeah, quite a few. I’m a bloke, innit. But I really respect the fact that you haven’t. You just don’t hear that with girls these days. Most of the girls I know have been around the block. Even with the ones I dated, I wasn’t the first.
What a hypocritical slag. On one hand, he wants a girl to be chaste and innocent like a precious flower. But as I’ve not dated anyone before, he thinks I’m a bit weird. Or he’s peeved that I won’t be easy.
This was one chat window I was happy to close down, so I made an excuse, saying I had to get back to work (which I totally did, I was meant to be writing a press statement for a client crisis) and we said our goodbyes.
I knew this guy was a total tool but I was intrigued to see what he looked like. You know, just to make sure he wasn’t so good looking that I’d have to turn a blind eye to his blatant double standards. Since he’s been so brazen with me, I decide to send him a cheeky request to see his photo. My chastity has left him enamoured. In less than ten seconds, he unlocks his photo. And who does this multi-girlfriend playboy look like? Enrique Iglesias?
Well, I couldn’t say who he looks like but rest assured he’s no Enrique. The dude’s got no hair, a cone-shaped head and unfortunate neck rolls. It doesn’t help that his photo is taken from a side profile, so the rings on the back of his head are piled up like a Michelin man. It resembles a corporate photo as he’s wearing a dark blue suit and tie. No doubt one of his minions took it for him. The weird thing is, from the mid-shot photo, he doesn’t look fat, he just has rolls in the worst possible place.
He swiftly sends a request for me to unlock my photo. Reciprocity would be polite. However, given that I’m not taking this any further, I don’t really want this non-prospect to see what I look like. It’s a small Bengali world, so the more people know I’m online, the greater the chance of my family finding out.
I decide to ignore his message. I know that’s cruel but honestly, the fact that I even entertained someone who called themselves Badboy123 was a major lapse in judgement. Plus, given that I initially made the impression that I was a ‘fun girl’ who didn’t have serious relationships, it’s best if my cover isn’t blown.
Note to self: be more selective when it comes to chatting in the future. And choose your bloody words wisely. You work in PR, after all. Words are your thing.