The Erotic Adventures of Jim and Louella Parsons

Bertice Berry

 

 

 

 

 

It all started when Jim couldn’t get it up. I guess I should find another way to say it, but we just country folks. That’s how we put it. That was two months ago, and he been ’fraid to try ever since. Anyway, we been married for twenty-six years and have had more than our share in the love department. We youngish still; both in our fifties, and we got a lot of love left. I told Jim just that, but it didn’t help none. In all our years of marriage ahead and three before, I have never seen him so upset. Jim has a lot of pride. He don’t like the idea of not being able to do his business. I stopped trying to talk sense into him and did the next best thing.

Now, I had learned years before not to take stock in none of those women’s magazines. Their sex tips usually included some food or saran wrap. Jim didn’t like nothing too messy. He said the only thing he wants wet is me. Anyway, whenever things were tough with me and Jim, I pray that God will give me strength, make me humble and show me where I’m wrong. Then I talk to the ancestors. I talk to them like they still alive, too. I just do it in my sleep. They always know the answers. This time I call on the women: my mama, Aunt T, and Grandma Sadie. They a hoot.

Mama say, “Hey, girl. Don’t say a word. We know just why we here.”

“Uh huh,” Aunt T say. “Jim can’t do the do.”

Grandma Sadie tell them to hush. She say, “They men weren’t too good no time.” She say it’s better to have a man who have it but lose it all the way once, than one who never lose it but only halfway does it the rest of the time.

Now I laugh. Grandma Sadie tell me that our problem is that we done got way too comfortable with each other. She say we hit it every Wednesday and sometimes on Sunday (depending on how good my fried chicken is). Until then, I didn’t know about that connection, but I vow to take more time with Sunday dinner from that point on.

Mama say, “Girl, you need to spice things up a bit, fix your hair and put on a little makeup.”

Mama know that I ain’t into nothing too fancy, but I remind her anyway. Aunt Sadie say I need to learn some other positions. She say I got the wife and the mother part down pat, but I need to be a bit more whorish in the bedroom.

Grandma Sadie say, “Hush. Good loving ain’t in no makeup, and it certainly ain’t in no slutty ways. If the man want a whore, he pay one.”

Grandma Sadie say the loving in the bedroom is in all the things you do before you get there. She also say me and Jim are real good to each other, better than most, but we need to find each another all over again.

I ask her what she mean, and she say, “Girl, when the last time you rubbed that man’s behind?” Before I can act shocked or tell her “never,” she say, “Uh huh, that’s what I’m talking about. Jim knows what he got, and he thinks he knows how he likes it. What makes a man hot is making his woman hot. He thinks he knows just what to touch and how to touch it. In all the years you’ve been married and all the time you were sneaking before, Jim ain’t had to figure out too much. He made you happy in bed because he made you happy in life. But girl, there’s a lot more you should be doing.”

At that point, I want to ask what, but I hear Jim getting up so I do too. I roll over and see Jim lying on his stomach. I can tell that he’s feeling badly because it’s Wednesday, and in the morning he’s usually feeling like he want it. Most times, but not always, he gets it too. Usually, I wait for him to come to me, but this time I go to him. I rubbed Jim’s behind slow and soft at first. I hear him moaning real low.

“Mmm, baby, that feels good,” he say.

I rub it some more and he turn over. And I see what I haven’t seen in a long time. Mr. Jim, that’s what I call him, is standing at full attention. Jim so excited he can’t wait to say hello to Miss Lou. That’s what he call me down there, on account of my name is Louella. Jim open my legs quicker than he usually do. He ain’t wait to see if I’m ready, but I don’t care, seeing his joy make me too happy to say anything. As soon as Jim try to get in Miss Lou, he loses himself.

“Dammit, God dammit,” he say.

“Take your time, baby,” I tell him.

I start rubbing his behind some more, but Jim too shamed to try again. He mumble “sorry” and get dressed and go on to the job he has had for as long as we been married. I pray that he don’t lose that too.

After he leave, I go back to sleep so I can ask Grandma Sadie what I need to do. As soon as I get there, they’re waiting.

“Girl, I told you. You need to be more seductive,” Aunt T was saying.

“Hush up, girl,” my mama told her. “Can’t you see she feels badly enough?”

“Look like to me she ain’t feeling nothing at all,” Aunt T said, laughing.

“Be quiet, y’all,” Grandma Sadie told them. “Baby, listen and listen good. I’m gonna give you the magic you need, but you got to add the spice to it. Like I said before, you’ve been doing the same thing the same way for years. You need to get to know every inch of that man’s body and what really makes him feel good.”

I tell her I thought I did. She say Jim and me don’t know what we like ’cause we ain’t had it. I don’t say nothing ’cause I figure she on the other side. She got to know more than I do.

She say, “Baby, what I’m gonna tell you take patience and your ’bility to follow through. You got to do just what I tell you. How you do it is up to you, though.

“Tonight,” she say, looking me right in the eyes, “you and Jim sit on this bed and talk about everything you think you want to do or have done to you. It’s gonna be hard, but all you can do is talk. Don’t touch no matter how hard he get. Tomorrow night you can touch each other, but you can’t touch it. Then, the next night you can touch it, but don’t taste. Next night, taste but don’t enter. Then, on the last night, get ready to go in.”

That night, Jim came home tired as always. I cook him his Sunday chicken dinner, and it ain’t even Sunday. Jim smile at me real sweet, but say, “Baby, I don’t want to try…let’s give it some time.”

I tell him, “Fine. I don’t want to, but I do want to talk.”

I take Jim into the bedroom that I had cleaned real good. I had the bed linens changed and sprinkled my best perfume on them.

“Sit down, Jim,” I say. “Now, Jim,” I say, “for years we’ve been doing things the same, but we gonna try something new.”

Jim start to tell me how tired he is, but I tell him to listen. He ain’t really seen me like that, but I know he like it. I sit him on the bed and undress him real slow. I never did that before either. When I take off his pants, I let my fingers touch him real lightly, but I remember what my grandma say so I stop myself. Then I undress. Now you got to believe me when I say this. I don’t think I’ve ever been naked in front of my man with the lights on, so all this is making him crazy. I’m not as fine as I used to be, but he didn’t see with the lights on then so all he knows is now. I sit on the other side of the bed, and Jim thinks I’m asking for some.

I tell him, “Tonight, baby, we just gonna talk. Tell me what you like, and I’ll tell you. Tomorrow you get to touch me, but you can’t touch me now. Friday you can touch and Saturday you can touch it and taste it. Sunday, after church, if you still want to, I’ll let you in.”

With that, Mr. Jim came right to attention, and I was so wet I coulda slid right off my bed. Just that little bit of talk done got us hot and ready, but I know that I gotta do just what Grandma Sadie say. So I start.

“Jim,” I tell him, “I love the way you moan. It’s telling me that it’s good. I love the way you pull my knees apart, but I wish you would stroke my thighs and play with my breasts more and my nipples. I know they ain’t like they used to be, but I still got feelings. I love your kisses too, but I wish…”

This takes me a while to say, but Jim jump up and say, “What, baby? Just tell me.”

Finally, I get to it. “I wish you would kiss Miss Lou. I want you to put those big lips of yours right down there. I want you to kiss it and put your tongue on it.”

I was shamed to say all that, but Jim says, “Alright, baby.” He was about to do it right then, but I tell him it gotta wait.

Then I say, “Jim, I need you to touch me more. I want you to put your hand on my head like you used to. And Jim, years ago you used to smack me on the behind a little. I won’t mind if you do that too.”

Jim sure enough was grinning. So was I. Talking about it made me want to climb on top of him and ride him to kingdom come.

“Jim,” I say, “it’s your turn.”

Jim ain’t say nothing, but I open my eyes to see his hand is holding Mr. Jim and giving himself some good love.

“Jim!” I say, “You gotta wait.” I declare. I have to call him three times before he comes to.

“Oh, yeah. Okay. Sorry, babe. Seem like I kind of got lost.”

“It’s your turn,” I say.

Jim say okay and tell me things that make me want to lose my mind. “Baby,” he say in his deep voice, “I want you to act like you can’t wait to get it.”

“I can’t,” I almost yell.

“Well, sometimes it seem like you just doing your duty.”

I don’t say nothing ’cause I know I got something to learn. I want to talk back too.

“Tell me what you want. Say it right in my ear. I want you to tell me it’s good, that it’s always good. I want you to put your mouth all over me.”

I’m blushing now, but I try not to show it.

“Everywhere. My chest. I got nipples too, and I want your mouth on them. Baby, I want you to put Mr. Jim in your mouth too. I want you to suck him and lick him good. I been scared to ask you for it, but we talking, ain’t we?”

Jim stood up and started fondling himself again. “We gotta wait, baby?”

I say, “Yes.”

“I know. I just want to show you how I want it. Is that okay?” Jim ask. He hold Mr. Jim up with one hand and start stroking slowly with the other. “Take your mouth up and down like this, baby,” he say. “Start slow and then suck harder and faster. You can touch my balls, too.”

That make me want to laugh, but something tell me not to. Jim tell me to suck it ’til he say he want to come. Then he want me to stand up and bend over. He say he loves taking me from behind, but he don’t do it too often because it seem like I don’t like it. Now I know my grandma was right because I only remember Jim doing it twice, and both times it was so good I commence to crying. Jim must’ve thought I was sad, and I was too old-fashioned to tell him otherwise. I’m thinking all of this and look over to find Jim done come all over himself.

“Jim, we s’posed to wait,” I say. Jim kiss me like he ain’t never kiss me before and goes to sleep right there in my arms.

The next day Jim wake up singing, and so do I. He calls me three times from work, something he used to do back when we just got married.

“Can’t wait to touch you,” he say.

“Me neither,” I whisper.

That night, I undress Jim again, but this time I lay him on his stomach. I open up some baby oil I found in the back of my cupboard and pour it all over his back.

“Mmm, that’s nice,” he say.

I rub his shoulders and back and down to his waist. I knead his strong back like I’m making bread.

“Yes, woman,” he says between strokes.

Then I pour baby oil on his behind and down between his legs. I rub his behind and slip my oily fingers between his cheeks. It must feel good because he snatches my hands and tries to take me right then.

“Not yet,” I whisper in his ear.

“Oh, woman, you driving me crazy,” he say.

“You don’t know the half,” I whisper back.

“Who are you and what have you done with my wife?” he say, laughing.

“Lay down, man, and let me finish my business.”

I oil his legs and rub them hard, front and back. I touch everything but Mr. Jim. Jim trying to get me to, but he know we gotta wait.

“Alright, woman,” he say, “your turn.”

He lay me down and pour oil right in the crack of my behind. He rub my behind until I think I can see Jesus. I moan, and Jim moans with me. He rub everything but Miss Lou. I gotta tell the truth and shame the devil. Jim rub my feet so good I think I will die. I didn’t know feet could get you so wet. He start at my feet and work his way back up. When he get to my breasts, he could have asked me to run down the street buck-naked, and I mighta done it! He rub my breasts in a way that lets me know he has done it before, but not with me. I forgive him right when the thought comes to me. I know that he wasn’t getting this from me, and part of that is my fault. Besides, we been too far not to know how to forgive. Jim must’ve somehow felt my thoughts because he starts to cry. I tell him it’s okay and hold him. We rock each other ’til we fall asleep, oily and wet.

The next day was my grocery shopping day. I got up and took a long, hot shower, fixed my hair, and put on a little makeup. Dora, who works down at the market, say, “Girl, you look like you been getting some on the side.” I want to tell her to hush and that she needs salvation, but I just grin. I couldn’t help it, but something about what she said makes me feel kinda proud. I push my pride back ’cause I wasn’t looking to fall and say, “Thank you.” That got folks whispering and I let them. We live in a small town. I know folks gonna think and say whatever they want anyway.

That night, Jim came in smiling, holding flowers, and it ain’t even my birthday. This our night to touch Mr. Jim and Miss Lou, and neither one of us can wait. Now, I have always had my husband’s dinner on the table for him when he gets home. With the exception of the birth of two of our five children, his meal has always been waiting. This time though, I meet him on the porch. I give him some cold, tart lemonade and kiss him right on the mouth. Miss Brown from across the street is looking, but I don’t care and neither do Jim.

“We better go in,” he say.

“Let her go in if she don’t like what she see.”

Miss Brown must’ve heard me ’cause she did go in, but I saw her curtain pull back and her eye peeping through. Jim sit next to me on the porch step.

“I get to touch it tonight, don’t I?” he say right up next to my ear.

His hot, sticky breath on my neck make my nipples stand out at attention and my behind got real hot. Before I could answer, Jim shock me by slipping his hand up under my dress. Now it was already dark so I know Miss Brown couldn’t see nothing, but all of this is new to me. I was sure surprised, but I had one for Mr. Jim too. He reach under my dress and find me naked as the day I was born. I didn’t have on a stitch of underwear.

“Louella Givens,” he say, calling me by my maiden name.

I grin, and Jim commence to laugh like I ain’t heard in years. He pull me by the hand and take me in. We didn’t make it to the bedroom though. Good thing the children are grown and moved out of town ’cause otherwise, they’d seen more than they ever wanted to know. Jim lay me down right on the living room carpet and pull my dress up over my head. He start to kiss my breasts, and I remind him that he couldn’t use his mouth ’til the next day. He shook his head but said he wasn’t going to argue. He grab my breast with one hand and start playing with my nipple with the other. It feel too good to be true. I didn’t know my nipple had that much life left in it. Then I take one of his hands and put it down on Miss Lou.

“You full of all kinds of surprises, ain’t you, woman?” Jim say.

He rub across my thighs real light for what seemed like hours. I want to scream, “Touch it, man!” but I learned the importance of patience. By the time Jim stroke the hairs on Miss Lou, how I want to skip over the next few days and get right to it. Jim stroked the inside and whispered in my ear, “I love this pussy. This is my pussy.”

My husband had never talked like this to me before. Three days before I would have been shamed to hear this kind of talk coming from him, but that night I couldn’t get enough. He stroked the inside of my kitty until it was hard as him. I was moaning and hollering like I was crazy. Then, when Jim stroked my spot, which by the way I wasn’t aware of before then, I squirted all over the place like a man. I was shaking so hard, Jim came right through his pants.

“Woman,” he said, “what have we been missing?”

I was panting hard and smiling like a madwoman. Jim carried me to bed. I felt too weak to touch anything he had, but it was okay. I slept until twelve midnight exactly and awoke to find Jim sleeping like a baby. I waited until one minute past and pulled Mr. Jim out of the slit of his PJs and commenced to sucking him the way Jim showed me. Jim must’ve done thought he was dreaming ’cause he was moaning something’bout, “No, I’m married. Please don’t.”

He opened his eyes and saw my mouth on him. I was looking right in his eyes. His head rolled back and he let out a moan that probably made Miss Brown across the street come to attention.

“I’m coming, baby.” When he said that, I climbed on top of him and rocked slowly, allowing him to come inside me. Jim arched his back and yelled, “Sweet Lord, thank you.”

“Yes,” I said, “I’m coming with you.”

We must’ve both passed out ’cause when I came to, Jim was lying next to me, grinning in his sleep. He woke up and smiled and started kissing me all over. He kissed as high as possible, and as low as possible. I stood up and bent over, and we did what we both like. We made love all day long. I fell asleep in between lovemaking and I saw my ancestors.

“Girl, you was supposed to wait,” Aunt T said. “You never did know how to wait.”

My grandma smiled. “Girl, hush. Sometimes rules are made to be broken. Besides,” she added, “y’all been waiting over twenty years to get it right.”

“Thank you,” I told them.

Jim must’ve thought I was talking to him ’cause I heard him say, “You wait—you ain’t had nothin’ to thank me for yet. Come here, woman. Let me taste you.”