“When should I start packing for the beach?”
Tara stilled, clutching her daughter’s comforter as she tucked her in for the night. “The beach?”
Marley nodded, clutching her stuffed toy mermaid. “You and Daddy said we were going and I wanted to know when.”
The beach trip had been canceled due to...well, her marriage and life falling apart a year ago. But, Sam had been back in the house a week and they were all going a bit stir-crazy. They needed this break.
“I can’t wait to build a giant sandcastle,” Marley went on as she stretched her arms vertically to show how large her castle would be. “Daddy said he’d get me new sand toys and he’d help me build it. He even said I could bury him in the sand.”
Tara swallowed and attempted a smile. “Don’t pack just yet.”
Marley’s smile instantly vanished. “We’re not going?”
“Oh, of course we are.”
Well, damn it. Now she had to follow through. The words slipped out before she could stop herself, but the look on Marley’s face left her no choice. Was this how Sam had been sucked into the new dog?
“I need to talk to Daddy, though. Okay?”
The sweet, innocent smile returned. “Ask him if I can get a new purple suit for the trip. If not, that’s okay, but I really want one.”
Tara leaned over and kissed Marley’s forehead before adjusting the covers. “When we go to the beach, I promise you can get a new bathing suit.”
“I love you, Mommy.”
No matter how old her daughter got, Tara never tired of hearing those precious words. They’d seen her through some of the toughest moments of her life.
“I love you, baby.”
“Did you get your hair cut?”
Instinctively, Tara reached up and felt the ends of her hair, which was just past her shoulders now. A little over a year ago it had been longer, but she had gotten it cut recently.
“I did,” Tara stated, going along with whatever was in Marley’s mind. “Do you like it?”
“I noticed it yesterday, but I forgot to tell you. I think you look pretty.”
“Thank you, sweetheart.” Tara came to her feet and reached over to turn off the bedside lamp. “Good night.”
“Is Daddy sleeping in here again tonight?”
The words filled the darkness and Tara was glad only a sliver of light from the hall crept through the crack in the door. No way would she want her daughter to see the look in her eyes. Tara had no idea what truth her face revealed these days. She could attempt to lie, and likely convince her daughter, but her expressions always gave her away.
“We’re going to be in...um, in our room tonight.” Tara pulled in a deep breath. “If you need anything, come get us.”
Tara slipped from Marley’s room and closed the door. When she turned, she found Sam standing in the doorway to their room.
No, not their room. Her room. That master suite hadn’t been theirs since she asked him to leave. Clearly having him back had clouded her mind, or perhaps the fact that he had been in her home for two nights had taken her to a time when everything was perfect.
He said nothing as he stared across the hallway, almost as if he were throwing down a silent challenge for her to cross to him.
Nerves swirled in Tara’s belly. What could she say that hadn’t already been said? He had told her earlier he would be in her bed tonight. At some point she was going to have to give in, despite what her heart told her to do.
Without a word, Sam stepped aside, allowing her the opening to pass through. Tara smoothed her hands over her simple cotton nightgown and crossed the hall. She was careful not to brush against him as she entered their bedroom.
There she went again, thinking of this as their bedroom. This could not be the new norm for them. Nothing about this was normal, and nothing about this was comfortable. She couldn’t let it be because they’d all be hurt in the end.
Yet every part of her wanted to lie next to him once again and maybe just forget everything that was wrong and pretend, even if only for a moment, that everything would be okay. If she did that, there would be that fine line that could be too easily crossed. The line she had to keep firmly in place, in black and bold, because letting him in, even a little, could put them back to where they were when everything started falling apart.
Tara went to her side of the bed and folded down the blanket. The soft snick of the door behind her had her heart racing. She wished he would say something, but, at the same time, maybe silence was best.
Tara slid between the sheets and adjusted her pillows. After grabbing the book from her nightstand, she figured she could read and maybe Sam would just go to sleep.
“You always did read before bed,” Sam stated as he climbed in on the other side. “What are you reading now?”
This she could do. Simple conversation, no touching or pretending they weren’t both feeling torn. Books—she could talk books all day long.
“I am reading a biography about a war nurse from the late 1800s.”
Sam laughed as he adjusted his covers. She tried her hardest to focus on the words and not his bare chest mere inches away—and that mysterious tattoo. But at the same time, she had to be honest, Sam’s chest was far more interesting than any book she could read.
And there she was, teetering on the brink of that fine line that would plunge her into the past. She was so, so close, her toes were flirting with the edge.
“History was always your thing,” Sam replied. “Do you remember when we went to Virginia and spent a whole week taking tours and seeing all the historical sites from the Civil War?”
Tara remembered. Wasn’t that the whole problem with having Sam here? She remembered everything. Every single detail, every moment. Every single touch and glance. Sam was, and always had been, powerful and potent to her senses—and her heart.
“You should get some sleep.” Tara gripped the edge of her book and wished he would turn off his light or put on a damn T-shirt. “You’ve been doing a lot and seem tired.”
Sam shifted closer to her and leaned on his elbow. “Are you honestly going to act like this does not affect you?”
Tara dropped her book to her lap and turned her attention to her husband. “I have to act like this doesn’t affect me. I have to keep my heart whole. It’s difficult enough having you in my house, let alone in my bed. I don’t want to keep rehashing the past.”
“Maybe I don’t want to discuss the past.” Sam’s dark eyes held much emotion, more than she had seen in their previous years of marriage. “Maybe I want to discuss now. Or maybe I don’t want to talk at all.”
Tara’s heart stomped so hard in her chest, her hands grew damp. “Sam, this is not a good idea.”
He continued to stare. What did he want from her? Well, she knew what he wanted, but beyond that what did he want? She had nothing left to give him. She had already given him her heart and that hadn’t ended well for either of them.
“I know you’re hurting,” Sam said as he carefully laid his hand over hers. “I’m not trying to make this more difficult. I’m not saying I want sex—though I do want you. But I need you to know I am here, and I won’t let you feel alone.”
“I don’t mean to be selfish with my own concerns,” she amended. “I know this is hard on you, too. I can’t imagine how you’re coping with being here, knowing it is only temporary.”
Sam nodded and released her hand as he settled against his own pillows. He blew out a sigh and placed his fingers behind his head and stared up at the ceiling. How could she not focus on this magnificent man right where he always used to be, right where she wanted him, if she were honest with herself?
He lay on his old side of the bed, the one she’d taken once he’d gone. That had been the only connection she’d had when he went away to rehab. She’d lain in that very spot and cried herself to sleep countless times and wondered if she’d made a mistake in pushing him away.
But the mistake would be letting him in, because if he faltered, she didn’t know if she’d be strong enough to push him away again. Marley needed stability and Tara couldn’t take the heartache again.
“I’m not worried about me,” he finally said. “You and Marley are my top priority right now. I’m on a reduced schedule for the next few weeks, and I plan on being right here through everything.”
The guilt and fear inside of Tara swirled together, giving her a whole new level of anxiety. She wanted him here, yet she didn’t. The internal battle she waged with herself was driving her out of her mind.
“Marley asked about the beach vacation,” Tara stated, pushing her other fears aside and focusing on another. “I had forgotten we were planning the beach vacation and that would be right about the time her memories vanished.”
“Then we will take her on a beach vacation.”
Tara jerked her attention toward Sam; her book slid off her lap and onto the floor. “We can’t just go on a beach vacation on a whim. I have obligations and clients who need me. There’s only so far I can take pretending to be a happy family again.”
Sam glanced at her, the slight shift only accentuating his muscular arms that stemmed from years of construction work.
“If our daughter wants to go to the beach because she remembers that we promised her, then I sure as hell am going to get her there.”
Tara closed her eyes and tried to think realistically about this situation. Sam had a point, but at the same time, how far were they going to take this? How long were they going to continue this lie? Maybe if she hadn’t lived through so many lies already this would be easier to deal with. And she couldn’t put this all on Sam and his addiction, because she had also chosen to ignore the signs and pretend that everything was okay...pretend that with her experience and expertise she could heal him.
Perhaps if she had gotten him help earlier things would’ve been different. Unfortunately pride and denial had only prolonged the inevitable.
“Then let’s start planning,” she conceded. “Can we make it a long weekend? I really shouldn’t take too much time off work since we’re short-staffed as it is.”
Tara honestly worried that if they spent too much time in vacation mode she would once more become the woman she was when she had fallen in love with Sam. She had to help Marley regain her memory, but Tara was quickly discovering how fragile her own heart still was.
“What are you afraid of?” Sam asked. He sat up on his elbow and faced her. “I destroyed our marriage. I broke your heart. I left Marley confused, but she can’t remember. What else are you afraid of? Maybe this vacation is what we all need to start fresh.”
Tara opened her mouth to correct him because there was no fresh start, but he cut her off.
“I don’t mean start over with a relationship. I know what we had is over.” He paused and Tara wondered if he was struggling just as much as she was. “But we do need to start over as friends for Marley’s sake and try to put the past behind us. I know those words are easy to say, but I am a different man now and I am determined to prove to you and our daughter exactly how much I care for you both. Because I do love you, no matter what happens.”
Tara did not want to hear his feelings. Maybe that was harsh, but she could not listen to him say that he still loved her, no matter what level his love was. Especially considering they were in bed, half-dressed, with an attraction that hadn’t faded.
“You can’t say things like that to me,” she whispered. “I need to get through each day, focus on Marley, focus on work and come out on the other side unscathed.”
Sam stared at her for a moment, his eyes darting to her lips, then up to her eyes. “You may not want to hear what I’m feeling, but I vow to be honest with you from now on, no matter what. Sometimes the truth will be difficult, but that is something we’ll both have to deal with. I’ll never lie to you again.”
She had heard that before. Each and every time he’d promised she’d wanted to believe him, and she’d found out it wasn’t the truth.
“I will start researching for the trip tomorrow.” Tara reached over and turned off her bedside lamp. “We need to get some sleep.”
As if she could sleep with him so close. Even though she had kicked him out of her house, she had felt the void in her heart just as much as the void in her bed. Having him around brought up too many memories, both good and bad.
She adjusted her covers and slid beneath them. Her foot brushed against the coarse hair on his leg. She stilled; her breath caught. Once upon a time such a simple gesture would lead to more touching. Now she didn’t know what to think or even how to react.
“I’m sorry you cringe when you touch me.”
Tara’s heart sank. “I never want you to think that touching you bothers me. But I haven’t had a man’s touch in a year and you’re so familiar, but...”
She hadn’t meant to let that revelation out. Not that she had been looking and not that she was interested in any other man. Sam had been it for her and she wasn’t sure she wanted to do love again. Besides, they were still married and she would never go against her vows.
“I’ve missed your touch, too,” Sam whispered in the dark.
Silence settled between them. Beneath the covers his hand found hers and he slowly laced their fingers together. She closed her eyes and bit her lips, trying not to cry or tell him she’d ached for him.
“Good night, Tara.”
Tears pricked her eyes at the simple gesture of his hand in hers. She had seen the hunger in his eyes earlier, she knew that he still wanted her, but he was using restraint and putting her needs first.
The problem was she had no clue what her own needs actually were. Because the female side of her wanted to forget everything and let him do anything he wanted, but the realistic side told her this was not possible and she was in for a long night.