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Xavier filled a mug of coffee and placed it on the counter between the two of them. His eyes glistened as he struggled to hold in the thoughts Chelsea could practically see scurrying around in his mind. He wasn’t sure he supported Chelsea’s decision to see her father after the mess he’d made. But Chelsea had said, point-blank, that this was what she wanted to do. “I can handle myself,” she told him again, just before she took an overly large sip of piping hot coffee and then had to spit it into the sink.
“Yeah. You really look like you can handle yourself,” Xavier said playfully. He grabbed a paper towel and passed it over as Chelsea stewed in embarrassment. His hand glided across her shoulder and down her waist as he added, “I’m just worried. He’s a poisonous person. I don’t want him to trap you again.”
“He won’t,” Chelsea said. “Maybe I’m a stupid optimist for saying that, but. I won’t let him come into our house again. It’ll all be out in the open. Whatever fight we get into. Whatever mess we make. It won’t be here. And it won’t affect you.”
Chelsea dressed in the bedroom while Xavier flicked through YouTube videos in the living room. First, she opted for jeans and a dark yellow sweater; then, she discarded those, tugged on tights and a skirt and a black sweater, and then fingered her hair to give it more volume. Makeup was essential, but how much of it was appropriate? She wanted to look powerful, regal, a bit older than her nineteen years, but she also didn’t want Tyler to think she had run so far away from her youthful past. Parents were tricky; Tyler was an advanced version of that.
“You look good,” Xavier told her as she stepped back into the living room.
Chelsea shrugged and collected her keys. It was five minutes to eleven, their set meeting time. She half-expected him to be tardy. Like some kind of fool, she hovered near the window and watched the street outside. They were two floors up, which allowed her unique perspective on the passers-by. When a man in a trench coat hovered near the corner, as though he considered turning back, she made her way for the door and hollered, “I’ll see you later, Xav. Love you!” She then rushed down the staircase and burst into the chilly October morning.
Her father remained at the corner. He held a bag of bagels, just as he’d promised, along with two coffee cups in a little cardboard container. His eyes found Chelsea’s, and he gave her a foolish smile. She had caught him in the midst of a fearful tirade. She wouldn’t let him run back to Boston without a conversation. At nineteen, she would no longer accept her father’s fear.
“Hi.” She greeted him without a smile.
He passed her the coffee and nodded. Since she’d last seen him, he’d gained a bit of healthy weight. His cheeks had filled out and now glowed a peachy pink. In a moment, Chelsea knew.
“Casey had the baby.”
Her father nodded and then repeated the words as though they held such meaning that it was difficult to take it in.
“Casey had the baby.”
Chelsea’s shoulders fell forward. She led her father toward a little bench across the street, where she dropped her head the slightest bit and considered this enormous fact: somewhere in Boston, she had a baby sister. Her father was a new father again.
Tyler sat a few inches from Chelsea on the bench, conscious that she needed the space. He bowed his head and snaked his fingers together.
“Her name is Ava,” he said finally.
“That’s a beautiful name.”
“She’s beautiful,” Tyler affirmed. “It suits her.”
Chelsea sniffled. Why was she crying? She felt so silly. She sipped her coffee and then asked to see a photo of the baby. Obviously, Tyler’s phone was already filled with them. There little Ava was: sleeping against Casey’s chest, just a few minutes after coming into the world. There she was, yawning the most adorable yawn as her eyes took in a fresh world. There she was, over and over again, in a million little positions that were very nearly the same as the ones before.
There was so much to say. Chelsea’s throat tightened. Should she just throw out her own emotions, replace them with joy for her baby sister? But wasn’t that the cowardly thing to do — not to face that which had tied you all up inside?
“What happened to you? After you left the city?” Chelsea finally asked as Tyler slipped his phone back into his pocket.
Tyler buzzed his lips. “I tried again to contact Casey. I knew the due date wasn’t long off. Still, she wouldn’t talk to me, so I checked into rehab. Insane, isn’t it? I just felt I couldn’t handle anything anymore.”
“Wow.” Chelsea had never had a more adult conversation in her life, maybe. She felt shaky.
“I was there for seven days. It was really all we could afford but worth every penny,” Tyler told her. “And I managed to reach out to Casey from there. She came to visit me. I’ve never seen anyone angrier with me. Not even your mom. Never make a pregnant woman mad. But she hugged me, she cried and she told me that she still loved me and wanted me in the baby’s life. I just have to be there and show up in every way. And I have to stop drinking. So, after I got back home, I joined AA. More than that, I even got a therapist.”
“Self-improvement is a huge time suck,” Chelsea said with a slight laugh.
“Tell me about it. I feel like I’m constantly trying to better myself these days. It’s exhausting. Do you want to know what I had for breakfast before I left this morning? A smoothie. I don’t even recognize myself anymore.”
Chelsea chuckled as a wave of warmth came over her. Again, she sipped her coffee. What did anyone say to such a story? How could she possibly translate how much it meant to her?
“I’m so proud of you,” she whispered. “Really.”
Tyler nodded. His eyes seemed very far away. “It’s going to be a really long road.”
“Yes. But you’re already much further than you were.”
“They do say to take it one day at a time,” Tyler said. “I’m already spouting AA logic.”
“AA logic works for thousands of people,” Chelsea said. “I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t work for you.”
They walked for a while, in no particular direction, without any kind of assessment of the time. Eventually, they ordered another cup of coffee each and sat at a different bench, where they dug into the bagels like they hadn’t eaten all day.
“This is not a smoothie,” Tyler said between bites. “It’s magic.”
Two pigeons hobbled around in front of them on the sidewalk; one of them had lost a leg, but he didn’t seem to notice it. He hopped around with his head held high.
“I miss the birds on the Vineyard sometimes,” Tyler said softly. “In the cities, it’s just pigeons everywhere. I remember the wide selection we would get in the backyard at our place. Your mom set up that bird feeder, and she would whisper to me when a particularly beautiful one would come up to eat.”
Chelsea laughed, even as pain latched around her heart and threatened to take her down.
“The bird feeder is still there,” Chelsea told him. “And the birds still come.”
“Incredible,” Tyler replied. He then dropped his bagel the slightest bit as he said, “I read more about The Hesson House. I actually thought about reaching out to your mom. I don’t know. She probably has enough on her plate without worrying about me.”
“But she does worry about you. Why wouldn’t she?” Chelsea returned.
Tyler nodded. After another pause, he said, “I was never very kind to your mom. I guess you know that.”
Chelsea couldn’t breathe. This was the heinous truth. This was what she’d always longed to look away from.
“I think I was a frightened little kid. And then I turned into a frightened man. And I thought that marrying Olivia was the right thing to do.”
“Didn’t you ever love her? At all?”
Tyler considered this. “Of course, I did. In my own way, I loved her. But we were so different. I could see it in everyone’s eyes at the wedding. Nobody understood why we were getting married. Even my groomsmen asked me before the ceremony if I wanted to duck out.”
“Jesus.”
“I’m sorry to tell you that.”
“No. It’s okay. I wanted honesty and here it is. Honesty.” Chelsea’s stomach flipped over. She chewed at the same small morsel of bagel-and-cream-cheese a little too much, then swallowed. Finally, she forced herself to say something she had never imagined telling her father.
“You really hurt me, Dad. When you left.”
Tyler’s head dropped again. “I know.”
“No. I don’t know if you really do. I felt like I’d done something wrong. I waited for you to come back. I blamed Mom for everything. I turned into this monster teenager. And then, the minute I leave the island, you come parading into my new life as though you’ve been waiting for me the entire time. I don’t know when I’ll get over that or if I ever will.”
Tyler’s eyes glistened. Chelsea prayed he wouldn’t cry.
“I can’t even begin to make any of that up to you,” Tyler finally said. “The only thing I can extend now is an invitation into my new life. I know that’s not fair. And Chelsea, I’m so sorry for all of it. I know there aren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe how I feel about any of it. Just that I am so sorry. And I am fighting, every single day, to be the kind of person you deserve in your life.”
Chelsea squeezed her eyes shut. The emotion felt similar to a tidal wave.
Finally, she forced herself to speak. The silence between them was too powerful; she could drown in it.
“I want to meet her,” she whispered. “I want to know Ava. I want to be in her life and in yours.”
Tyler wrapped an arm around Chelsea’s shoulder and tugged her into him. Her chin quivered with sorrow. Already, she could see the future before them — her holding baby Ava as her father took a clumsy photo; Casey doting on the little presents Chelsea brought in from New York City; little Ava gazing up at her with impossible wonder as Chelsea promised to care for her.
She would. She would be the kind of big sister this little creature needed. She would be there for her in everything.
“You know,” Tyler finally said as they wandered back toward Chelsea’s corner of Brooklyn. “When you went back to the Vineyard and I was left with that boyfriend of yours, I really took a liking to him.”
Chelsea laughed with surprise. “Did you?”
“Yes. He’s such a good guy,” Tyler affirmed. “I mean, he probably hates me more than I can ever recover from. But I trust him. I trust him with you and that makes me happy.”
The Autumn sun was a different breed of sun. It was gentle and forgiving and further away, as though already thinking about the horror it had committed over the summer months. An eggshell blue sky stretched over them; not a single cloud flickered through to ruin it. It was as though the day had been drawn with a child’s crayon.
“I love you, Dad,” Chelsea murmured when they paused at the door. She hugged him and then added, “Don’t drink too many smoothies. You’ll get your cool card revoked.”
“I always knew I’d have to give that thing up one of these days,” Tyler said as he stepped back. “See you soon, I hope, Chels. Casey, Ava and I will be waiting.”