Pick One had its world premiere as part of “Theatre Uncut” at the Edinburgh Theatre Festival in August 2013 (followed by a run at the Young Vic in London in November 2013). It was directed by Hannah Price.
FAT GUY
THIN GUY
MEDIUM GUY
Gary Beadle, Phil Nicol and Thom Tuck played the three guys.
NOTE: A slash (/) indicates the point of overlap in interrupted dialogue.
Lights up on three middle-aged white guys. In suits.
They’re sitting in comfortable chairs. Drinking and smoking and talking.
FAT GUY … pick one.
THIN GUY Really?
FAT GUY Sure. Go ahead.
THIN GUY You mean … just …
MEDIUM GUY Yeah. Seriously. Do it.
THIN GUY But …
FAT GUY It’s okay. Nobody’s listening … we aren’t taking minutes or, like, recording this or something stupid like that …! We’ve learned our lesson on that front!
MEDIUM GUY Fucking Nixon, right? What an idiot.
All three men laugh at this. They smoke. They drink.
FAT GUY Exactly! (To THIN GUY.) So?
THIN GUY Ummmmmmmm …
FAT GUY It’s alright. Nobody is judging you. No one is gonna even know what you said … this is just between us. For now.
MEDIUM GUY Among friends. That’s all./ Colleagues.
THIN GUY Okay./ Right.
MEDIUM GUY Something’s gotta happen! The country’s in a bad way and we’re just talking …
FAT GUY Speculating …
MEDIUM GUY Imagining …
THIN GUY No, I get it … I get that.
MEDIUM GUY Cool.
FAT GUY Great.
THIN GUY Ahhhhh … I guess I’d say …/ Ummmmmmm …
MEDIUM GUY Come on, man!/ You’re killing us here!
FAT GUY Just pick one! (Beat.) Go for it!
THIN GUY Ok, ok! God, you guys are the worst … (Smiles.) I guess “black people.” I mean, if I have to pick just one.
FAT GUY Blacks?
THIN GUY Yeah.
FAT GUY Really?/ Jeez! Ambitious!
THIN GUY I mean …/ I guess …
MEDIUM GUY Don’t look at me! This is your choice …
THIN GUY I’m just … yeah, I’d pick black people if I had to choose one group.
MEDIUM GUY That’s who you’d chose to get rid of? Off the streets of America? (Beat.) I mean, if we could actually swing it, I’m saying?
THIN GUY Yep.
FAT GUY Totally gone?
THIN GUY Yeah. I guess. (Beat.) They kinda bug me. And they smell, too. A lot of ’em do …
MEDIUM GUY Interesting …
FAT GUY Very …
THIN GUY Is that the wrong answer?
FAT GUY No! God, not at all … it’s a bold choice. I like it.
MEDIUM GUY Me too. Very bold. A super strong choice.
THIN GUY I mean … we’re just talking here … right? This is just … us …
FAT GUY That’s all. (Beat.) We’re “talking.”
MEDIUM GUY Yeah.
FAT GUY Of course.
MEDIUM GUY I mean, it’s not like we could get everybody to vote with us on a bill like that! Hell, we can barely get people to show up on time, let alone talk them into a thing of this kind … so yeah, we’re just talking. (Beat.) A friendly chat.
The FAT GUY and the MEDIUM GUY glance at each other.
THIN GUY Ok, cool. That’s … great. (Beat.) And who would you guys pick? I’m just curious …
FAT GUY Oh. Ahhhh … (Beat.) I’d take the Asians.
THIN GUY Yeah?
FAT GUY Yep. There’s less of ’em and just … they don’t seem to make much of a fuss about things, so … I just figured …
THIN GUY Huh. (To MEDIUM GUY) And you?
MEDIUM GUY I’d go with Mexicans. Spaniards./ Latins. That type …
THIN GUY Oh./ Got it.
MEDIUM GUY Yeah … they’re probably a little bit easier to deal with, I mean, overall … but they’re a growing concern and I just figured we should get rid of ’em all at one time if the chance presented itself./ Right?
THIN GUY … I suppose…/ Yeah …
FAT GUY I mean, we’re never gonna capture that vote! I think the last election proved that, so … you know. Better safe than sorry.
MEDIUM GUY Exactly./ Don’t ya think?
THIN GUY Huh./ Yeah … that makes sense …
The FAT GUY slaps the MEDIUM GUY on the back as he talks to the THIN GUY:
FAT GUY Originally he picked “women” but I had to remind him that … while annoying … women aren’t actually a “race” (To the MEDIUM GUY) They’re a “gender,” not a “race!”
MEDIUM GUY “Race!” “Gender!” Come on, that shit gets confusing after a while …
The three men laugh at this. They drink. They smoke.
FAT GUY (To THIN GUY) But I love that you just went for it!/ Right for the jugular with the “black people” thing. That’s awesome.
THIN GUY Thanks./ Well …
MEDIUM GUY Yeah, that’s great. Very brave.
THIN GUY I just think … you know … in these tough economic times … if you got rid of the blacks you’re talking about a lot more stuff out there for everybody … I mean, there’s no question about it. Right?
MEDIUM GUY Absolutely.
FAT GUY None at all.
THIN GUY With welfare and the, you know … social security checks and money that goes to whatever … free clinics and all the …/ State housing programs … right?
FAT GUY Yes!/ God yes!
THIN GUY There would just be more stuff for everybody out there if they weren’t around …
FAT GUY But you mean … like … dead? Right?
THIN GUY Well … yeah …/ Right …
FAT GUY Because we already asked them if they’d go back to Africa …/ I know we did … we did that years ago … like, back in Civil War times!
MEDIUM GUY And they said “no.” They said “no thank you”’ and they decided to stay here and move North … (Pointing.) They moved up North and shit happened. Bad shit. Look at Detroit …/ Exactly.
FAT GUY A lot of those cities like that./ Chicago and Cincinnati and, and … Philadelphia …
MEDIUM GUY Really bad shit happening in those spots. Some bad, bad shit …
FAT GUY Places where black people live./ Cities.
THIN GUY Yep./ That’s true.
FAT GUY Of course it’s true … we’re not making this up! We’re not being vindictive or anything … God no!
MEDIUM GUY These are facts. That’s all. Facts.
FAT GUY Black people are users and that’s just … if you “use” long enough … for a really long time and lots of you are doing it … then you just run out of things. Right? Whatever things that people are using, that’s what you run out of. Milk or tea or cars … oxygen, even … and that’s what we’re now in danger of, because of those people. Not just black people but mostly them … them and people like them … people with a “black” mentality … because of them we’re almost out of things for us. Us and other people of our ilk. White people … the “providers.” We are providers and we are ruining out of stuff because of them. The users.
MEDIUM GUY And that’s bad. (To THIN GUY) I mean … you can see that, right? Can’t you?/ That it’s bad?
THIN GUY I mean, yeah./ Sure. (Beat.) That’s why I brought ’em up. In the first place.
MEDIUM GUY Exactly!
FAT GUY We figured as much.
MEDIUM GUY But … you know …
FAT GUY You just can’t be sure today. Unless you ask and that’s always dangerous …
THIN GUY No, I get that …/ It makes sense …
FAT GUY Good./ I’m glad.
MEDIUM GUY Great. That’s really good news …
The FAT GUY and the MEDIUM GUY look at each other again. Just for a moment, then back to the THIN GUY. They drink. They smoke.
FAT GUY And … again, we are just brainstorming here … but lemme just … if we thought that we could do that … I mean, if we felt like we could get people to back us on this and help us out … like most of the American people … would you be willing to throw you weight behind us and support this?/ I mean publicly?
THIN GUY Oh./ … ummmmmmmm …
FAT GUY Just in theory! In “theory” is all I’m asking right now …
THIN GUY I mean … if you actually thought it had a chance of catching on …
MEDIUM GUY All we can do is ask, right? Ask people if they like the idea or not …
FAT GUY Honestly, I think that most people, most decent white people, can think of a black person or two that they’d be ready to get rid of … I’m saying if you made it really easy … like one-two-three./ (Snapping his fingers.) Like that.
MEDIUM GUY Probably./ I mean, I know I can.
FAT GUY Sure. Anybody could. (Thinks.) Oprah. Kobe Bryant./ That guy from Harvard … with the gap right here, in his teeth …
THIN GUY Sure./ Oh, I hate that guy!/ Yes!
FAT GUY See?/ It’s easy if you start putting your mind to it …
MEDIUM GUY Rhianna. Kanye West. (Beat.) Will Smith.
The FAT GUY and the THIN GUY look over at the MEDIUM GUY.
Ok, ok … maybe not Will Smith …
THIN GUY No, he’s kinda cool./ My kids like him.
FAT GUY Yeah, he seems like a nice guy./ Maybe we could let him escape or something … we’ll just rough him up or whatnot.
THIN GUY Give ’em a head-start or whatever …
FAT GUY Yeah, I’d be ok with that./ Alright.
THIN GUY Me too./ Good.
MEDIUM GUY Fine. (Beat.) Not Will Smith. I’ll write that down … (Gets out a pad and a pen and makes a note.) “No-Will-Smith.”
THIN GUY But the rest of ’em … you’d just … what?
FAT GUY We’d kill ’em. Just hunt ’em down and … you know … (Indicates motion of using a club on someone.) Like they used to do. In the old days. (Beat.) Or how they still do … with baby seals and shit.
MEDIUM GUY Or … whatever you wanted … right? I mean, you’d want to give people a chance to do it in their own way … however they felt it was best. (Beat.) Wouldn’t you?/ Just saying … some people like guns.
FAT GUY Ummmm …/ Yeah. (Thinking.) That’s true.
MEDIUM GUY And we wouldn’t be asking every person to do it, either, right? U.S. population is, like … almost 75% white whereas negroes make up only about … what? God, maybe 15, 16% of the total … isn’t that right?
FAT GUY I think so …
THIN GUY Really?
FAT GUY Yeah./ Something like that. Around there.
THIN GUY Huh./ God … it always seems like there’s so many of them around … but maybe that’s just because I’ve been trying to ride the subway more …
MEDIUM GUY Honestly, it’s only about that many … so you really wouldn’t have to ask all the whites living here to do anything but look the other way …
The THIN MAN takes in this information and nods his head thoughtfully. Takes a sip of his drink.
FAT GUY Exactly! We could pick a day … maybe a Saturday or a Sunday … weekends are a nice time, more people are off work … and only like a fifth of white people, white Americans, would need to do it. Get their hands dirty. The rest of us could gather in parks or at baseball stadiums and, you know … wait for the outcome …
MEDIUM GUY There’d probably be a lot of killing at baseball stadiums, though, with all the black guys on teams …/ And the fans …
FAT GUY That’s true./ Damn. (Thinking.) Hockey rinks, then! Black people hate hockey.
MEDIUM GUY Yeah, that’s good! Hockey rinks would be perfect …
They nod quietly at each other again, happy with this decision. They turn and look at the THIN GUY. They drink. They smoke.
FAT GUY So?
MEDIUM GUY You in?
FAT GUY We’ve gotta do something … this country is too great to just fade away and let’s be honest … I mean, we were here first …
MEDIUM GUY That’s true. (To THIN GUY) Right?
THIN GUY Well … I mean … the Indians …/ Or Native Americans, really … but …
MEDIUM GUY Ok, listen …/ If you wanna split hairs, then fine. Whatever.
THIN GUY I have a reservation in my district so I’m aware of the … I’m just saying …
MEDIUM GUY Then say it. What?/ (Louder.) WHAT?
THIN GUY I just …/ You think we can pull it off? Like, actually do this?
MEDIUM GUY We think so. We’ve done some silent polling on the side … very hush-hush … very preliminary …
THIN GUY Obviously …
FAT GUY We got back some surprising numbers. Most people—the way things are today—it’s a very popular idea. Us getting rid of at least one or two other races …
MEDIUM GUY It’s very popular./ Yep.
FAT GUY Really quite popular./ You’d be shocked.
MEDIUM GUY And I’m not just talking in the South … or with old people … I’m saying college kids and some pretty liberal types, too. People who’ve lost jobs and, you know … just some pretty angry people. People who are looking for a change.
FAT GUY A big change./ A real statement.
THIN GUY Huh./ Wow.
FAT GUY Yep.
THIN GUY Well, this’d be quite a statement … I’ll say that for it …!
FAT GUY I mean … that’s the idea, right?!
THIN GUY True. That’s true. (Beat.) I have this intern. Nice kid./ Mixed race, I think, so she’s not, like, a full-on black …
MEDIUM GUY Alright …/ … uh-huh …
The FAT GUY and the MEDIUM GUY shift forward in their seats, waiting to hear what this is all about. The THIN GUY clears his throat. Gestures in the air.
THIN GUY So … would it be possible … if I agree to help push this through with folks … could I give her a heads-up, too? Just maybe a day or something …
MEDIUM GUY … I mean …
FAT GUY (To MEDIUM GUY) Yeah … we can probably make that work. If you throw your weight behind this … your weight and your resources …
THIN GUY Ok, great. I can do that. (Beat.) So … we’re really talking about doing this? I mean …
FAT GUY Sure seems like it. Doesn’t it?
MEDIUM GUY I think so … if you’re in …
THIN GUY Ummmmmm … and it’ll be discreet, right? Not just, like … chaos and these … big piles of bodies in the streets. I hope.
MEDIUM GUY No!
FAT GUY Hell no!
The FAT GUY waves this idea off with a flick of his hand. Shakes his head “no!”
MEDIUM GUY “Bodies in the streets!” God, that’s … we’ll make it fun!/ It’ll be a big deal and lots of … balloons and stuff …
FAT GUY Bar-b-ques and, and … parades and good things like that!/ Things that Americans like …
MEDIUM GUY It’ll be nice. Trust me.
FAT GUY And the next day … after we do this one little thing … there is gonna be so much more money and resources and just, like, room on buses …
MEDIUM GUY Good, affordable housing for people …
FAT GUY More spots open at colleges … slots we have been giving up for years because of Affirmative Action and bullshit like that and it’ll all be over … in a day … a few hours of bloodshed and BAM!! Done. (Beat.) That’s worth it … right?/ RIGHT?
THIN GUY I mean …/ Yeah. (Thinking.) Yes, it is. I think it would be …
FAT GUY Fantastic!
MEDIUM GUY We knew you’d understand!
THIN GUY When you put it like that, it’s … yeah. (Beat.) ’Cause we’ve never really gotten along, have we? Blacks and us? I mean, not completely …
FAT GUY No. Not entirely. I don’t think so.
THIN GUY And it’s hard, because you reach out to ’em and sometimes they’re nice, but … a lot of the time they just have that look in their eyes … you know which one mean? (Gesturing.) That …
FAT GUY Yeah. Of course./ The “look.”
THIN GUY Sure./ That one look …
MEDIUM GUY That “I’d-love-to-kill-you-if-I-could-get-away-with-it” look …?/ That one?
THIN GUY Exactly!/ That’s the look I mean. Yes.
MEDIUM GUY Right! So … we should do it first, don’t you think? Before they stumble onto the same idea and start making spears …
FAT GUY It makes sense to me.
THIN GUY Yeah. That does make sense.
The men smile and shake hands. They drink. They smoke.
Great. So how do we …?
MEDIUM GUY We’ll send around an email blast, I think … initially, anyway …
THIN GUY Nice.
MEDIUM GUY Make some phone calls./ Very grass-roots.
THIN GUY Cool./ Great.
FAT GUY We should probably set a date, though.
THIN GUY One of you guys have a calendar….?
FAT GUY I have one in my office. We can go take a look after lunch. Anybody starving? I am!
MEDIUM GUY Me, too …
THIN GUY Fine. Let’s eat.
MEDIUM GUY Sounds good.
FAT GUY I’m never gonna say “no” to a meal …
The three men stand and start to move off. Still talking:
MEDIUM GUY Where do you guys wanna go?
FAT GUY I’m happy anywhere.
THIN GUY Yeah, me too …
FAT GUY So name a place, then./ Pick one.
MEDIUM GUY Go ahead./ No, you.
FAT GUY You.
MEDIUM GUY You!
FAT GUY Just …
MEDIUM GUY Seriously …
THIN GUY Come on, guys …
MEDIUM GUY It’s up to him …
FAT GUY Why me?
MEDIUM GUY It’s your turn!
FAT GUY No, it’s yours …
MEDIUM GUY Just …
THIN GUY Come on!
The FAT GUY stops, throws his arms up in the air. Shouts:
FAT GUY Guys! Pick one! (Beat.) How we ever gonna get rid of black people if we can’t even pick a restaurant! Huh?/ (Grins.) NOW COME ON! PICK ONE!
THIN GUY Fine!/ How ’bout Cajun … I like spicy.
FAT GUY Perfect! Cajun it is. (To the others.) See? That was easy …
And just like that, they’re gone. An empty room.
Silence. Darkness.