Good Luck (In Farsi) had its world premiere at 59E59 Theatre in New York City in July 2013 as part of the “Summer Shorts” play festival series. It was directed by Neil LaBute.
| KATE | Gia Crovatin |
| PAIGE | Elizabeth Masucci |
| BREE | Molly Logan Chase |
NOTE: A slash (/) indicates the point of overlap in interrupted dialogue.
A row of chairs. Stretching from one end of the room to the other.
One woman, seated. This is “KATE.” She is digging through her purse ans belongings, looking for something. A bag of make-up. She is mouthing some words to herself and from time to time she glances at a small stack of pages on a chair next to her.
A casting assistant walks into the room with a clipboard and looks around. This is “BREE.” KATE stands expectantly. BREE goes out and KATE sits back down. Begins running her lines out loud.
KATE “… and now it’s come to this, has it? The end of the of the road for you and me …”
KATE hears something and looks up again. Sees someone coming.
KATE … oh shit. Fuck. Of course. (Beat.) I mean … really? AAAAAAWWWWWW!!! FUCK!!
Another woman has entered and drops her stuff on a chair a few seats away. This is “PAIGE.” She is some version of KATE, but dressed differently.
They smile at each other. Nod.
Hi.
PAIGE Hey there …
Finally, PAIGE sits down in a chair and pulls some pages out of one of her bags. Starts reading.
KATE I should’ve known you’d be here … called in for this …
PAIGE Yeah. (Shrugs.) Well … you know …
KATE I mean, I knew I’d see you here. Second I read the sides I was, like, “God, if I don’t see Paige Parsons there then something weird is going on!”/ (Beat.) I go in for anything these days, a tampon commercial even, and BAM!!! There you are … on the sign-in sheet …/ Yep.
PAIGE Ha!/ You saw that?/ I hate that I still have to go in for things … (She looks over at KATE.) I just mean … you know …
KATE No, no, I get it, of course! After your series and all that … I totally get it. (Beat.) Sucks that they cancelled it …
PAIGE Yep.
KATE After just … what? First season?/ Or not even …?
PAIGE Ummmm …/ We shot thirteen … but …
KATE Really? That many? I don’t think I saw more than … I dunno … two or …
PAIGE Yeah, no, I think they only aired maybe six. Or so./ DVD has the whole thing … the entire …
KATE Huh./ Wow.
PAIGE Anyhow.
KATE Yeah. Oh, I’m “Kate,” by the way …
PAIGE Hi.
KATE … hey. (Beat.) Anyway, good luck.
PAIGE Oh, thanks. (Beat.) Yeah, you too.
KATE nods, smiles, then gets out some make-up and starts in on her face. Touch-ups. She finds a little mirror and her mascara. She begins to apply it.
PAIGE watches her for a beat, then speaks to KATE again:
KATE Uh-huh. Just some mascara. I really wanna make my lashes “pop” for this … I think someone in the CIA would have really great make-up.
PAIGE Nice.
KATE Yep. I always do … brings out my eyes, which are, like … you know. One of my best features, I think.
PAIGE Definitely. You have gorgeous eyes.
KATE Thank you. (Smiles.) You too.
PAIGE Thanks. (Beat.) I mean, mine are ok. Just ok. Smaller. A little bit deeper set … They’re fine. Guys seem to like ’em but, you know, they’re guys … so they’re not exactly picky!! (She laughs.) You’re the one with the eyes … trust me. (Beat.) Anyway … good luck.
KATE Thanks. (Beat.) You too.
PAIGE tries to work on her lines but after a moment she points at KATE’s mirror as she speaks to KATE yet again:
PAIGE Hey … you think they secretly hold it against us?
KATE (Looking up.) What’s that?
PAIGE That we’re beautiful?
KATE I’m sorry?
PAIGE Nothing. I’m just curious, that’s all.
KATE You mean … like … who?
PAIGE (Indicating.) Them. People. Everybody.
KATE … ummmmmm …
PAIGE Producers … other actors … out on the street. (Beat.) I know casting directors do …! Those bitches hate us. Girls like you and me. And we’re talented—which is probably extra annoying—I mean, I’m assuming you are. I am.
PAIGE Yeah, but it’s “funny” because it’s true! Right? (Beat.) Don’t you think?
KATE thinks about this for a second, nods “no” and goes back to what she’s doing. She suddenly looks up and says:
KATE I mean … God … I don’t think so. (Beat.) Do you really? (Beat.) I hope not!
PAIGE That would suck, right? If they did. Because that’s … you know. It just would. Suck.
KATE Totally.
PAIGE It’s not our fault!
KATE Absolutely not.
PAIGE I didn’t ask for this. To be pretty, or, or beautiful. Stunning. Nobody asked me.
KATE Me either.
PAIGE We’re just born this way. Right?
KATE I mean … yeah. Pretty much.
PAIGE It just happened! Parents get together, two good-looking people and … sometimes not even that, not even attractive, it’s just some … combination of … whatever …
KATE Mine aren’t. I mean, no … I love them, my parents, they’re so so great—they paid for my apartment here and they’re super supportive about my work, so I’m not badmouthing them, at all—but they are totally just regular people as far as looks go … very normal./ Average.
PAIGE Exactly./ Mine too … I mean … no, that’s not fair, because my mom was kinda hot when she was young, nice body, I think, and … anyhow … she was a catch back in her day, but my dad’s, like … you know, just a guy. Very ordinary. Not what I’d call handsome—nice hair, he always had nice hair—but something about the two of them together and BAM! Here I am …
KATE Same for me. Now. I mean, I grew into my looks is all I’m saying … I was awkward in my teens, that’s what I mean …
PAIGE Yeah, but now you’re very pretty … like, in an unusual way … but yeah … pretty.
KATE Thanks … that’s really … you too.
PAIGE And that’s what I mean … here we are … just trying to make it in a really tough business and on top of that, we’ve gotta deal with the fact that we’re these two extremely attractive women.
KATE No, I know what you’re saying … it can be a real drawback sometimes …
PAIGE Definitely! It definitely can … even more than being an asset. More often than not.
KATE Yeah … I mean … at least sometimes.
PAIGE Often.
KAYE You think?
PAIGE A lot of the time. Yes.
KATE I do get sick of being stared at. (Beat.) Know what I mean? Like on the subway, or just …/ Or elevators …?
PAIGE Oh fuck yes!/ God! I HATE that!
KATE It’s, like … gimme a break, ok? I’m just trying to get home … I’m trapped in here with you, so just … time out! (Making a hand gesture for effect.) / TIME OUT, GUYS!
PAIGE nods vigorously at this and stomps one foot. Claps.
PAIGE Shit yeah!/ HATE-THAT. Hate it.
KATE I mean … like you said: it’s not some big invitation to people—men or women—just because you have long legs or a nice ass or this killer body … a face like yours. Or mine, I guess. (Beat.) I mean … God! Stop staring already!! Does that even make sense? What I’m saying?
PAIGE I mean … like you’re reading off a page in my diary! I’m serious! I so feel that same way! (Beat.) I’m not responsible for this. It’s just me. (Points.) I’m not working to draw attention to myself … I am totally natural. Every inch of me … so just … I mean … whatever … just back off! Right?
KATE looks over at PAIGE. Gives her the once over. Nods at her breasts. Points.
KATE Yeah! Wait … (Points.) … even … those?
PAIGE Completely. Natural.
KATE is frankly surprised by this fact. Takes a beat.
KATE Wow. God. Good for you.
PAIGE Hardly. (Beat.) Trust me …
KATE I wouldn’t know.
KATE turns to PAIGE, showing off her lovely but much less curvy figure.
PAIGE Yeah? Well, then, you’re lucky.
KATE Why’s that?
PAIGE You just … believe me, you are. The shit I’ve gone through because of … whatever. Biology. Anatomy. Genetics. Something. (Beat.) Fucking sucks.
KATE I guess.
PAIGE I mean … don’t get me wrong … they get me through the door./ Depending on the door, of course …
KATE Ha! I’ll bet./ All the way to the couch, probably…
PAIGE No, come on! Seriously … sometimes they do help … a little … but …
KATE … what …?
KATE Yeah?
PAIGE Yep. Suck hard. Like cancer./ Not like terminal cancer but one of the other kinds./ The type you recover from. One of those kinds of cancer. The good kind.
KATE Excuse me?/ Come on./ There’s no good … you shouldn’t say things like that. It’s not … that’s unlucky. To do that.
PAIGE Yeah, no, that’s true. Maybe not cancer. But, like … something bad. (Beat.) Polio.
KATE Ha! (Laughs.) Really? A disease?
PAIGE Sometimes! (Beat.) I’m not kidding … plus my back, and the bras with all the … they suck.
KATE Ok. (Beat.) That just seems …
PAIGE Look, I’m sure you get it in other ways, you’re totally attractive … look at you!
KATE … thanks, but …
PAIGE So you know what I’m saying! Guys staring at you … other girls hating you … never being taken seriously! It fucking sucks.
KATE No … that does makes total sense.
PAIGE Plus everybody thinks they’re fake, anyway … so that really sucks! I mean, come on! “Fake?!”
KATE Yeah. No. I get it./ That’s …
PAIGE Thanks./ Anyway, good luck.
KATE Yep. You too.
PAIGE nods and smiles. Stands up with her pages, paces as she works on them. KATE watches her, then asks:
You’re here for “the daughter,” right? “Susan?” I mean, obviously …
PAIGE ’Course.
KATE Ok. Cool./ I figured …
PAIGE Yeah./ It’s the best part, so …
KATE I agree. Lovely. It’s just … flawless, I think. An amazing part for someone our … you know. Age. Type. (Beat.) I usually go in for such … crap. It’s just so nice to finally read something that you want. I’m just, like, desperate for this!/ LOVE it!
PAIGE Yeah, me too./ Killer part./ Edgy.
KATE Right./ Yes … but edgy in a … kind of a tender way … edgy but tender … I mean … that “death” scene …?/ That thing is just … crazy good!/ CRAZY. GOOD.
PAIGE I know!/ I love that scene!/ SO good!!
KATE I was doing it this morning—I like to rehearse in the park—so I was doing it, just going through the lines, I mean … I’ve got the pages, in my hand, but I’m on this bench and I’m … you know … with the cough and, like, the … she’s crying but being brave—I think she’s so brave, this character, don’t you? Like seriously brave—and I’m doing that … coughing and weeping and, and … people gather. Around me. A lot of tourists, I think, but folks from here, too, and I’m just rehearsing! Running lines! But I do the whole coughing thing plus I start crying … and once I’m going it’s, like, uncontrollable … And people are standing there … open-mouthed, or they’re, whatever, snapping photos on their phones. A crowd gathers. I’m not kidding you. A crowd … (Beat.) And I’m just thinking to myself—I, like, step outside myself as this is happening, I’m watching me and the people and this Asian guy getting the whole thing on his iPad—I step out of it as it’s happening and I think … wow … this scene is going to be incredible! I mean, once it’s rehearsed and on set and you’ve got a director there, challenging you and willing you to go further with your fellow actors, this thing is gonna be just … I don’t even have words for it … you know? That’s what this is gonna be like … something they don’t even have words for yet. The guy at The Times will have to make up words for it … it’s that good … (Beat.) Anyway, I checked YouTube earlier but I haven’t seen it up there yet … (She explains.) The footage that the Asian guy took …
PAIGE nods at this, taking in the magnitude of what KATE is describing.
PAIGE Huh.
KATE Yeah.
PAIGE Wow. That’s … I usually run lines with my boyfriend and he can barely speak.
KATE Oh, right! You date that football guy./ On the Jets.
PAIGE Yeah./ Uh-huh, but he never says nice things about my work, I mean … (Beat.) Fuck that. I’m gonna try running lines in the park next time. That sounds great.
KATE It is. It totally works …
PAIGE I guess! (Beat.) Anyway, I’ll give you my email. Let me know if that thing shows up on-line ’cause I’d love to see it …
KATE Okay. I will. For sure. I might add it to my reel … (Beat.) I think we should definitely exchange info, stay in touch. Us sistas gotta stick together. Right?!/ (Smiles.) That’d be awesome.
PAIGE Absolutely./ (Smiles.) Anyway … good luck!
KATE Thanks! You too.
They smile at each other but then look away—not sure if they’re telling the truth about how “great” it would be.
I mean … I feel like we’ve been in a lot of the same classes and stuff or, maybe like …? Years ago?
PAIGE … or a workshop … maybe? Over at MTC or one of those? The Public? (Both girls nod at this.) Yeah … seems like it to me, too. Totally.
PAIGE Yeah. (Beat.) We should stay in touch or whatever … I’m sorry, what’s your name again? I’m terrible with names!
KATE It’s “Kate.” With a “T.”
PAIGE Right! “Kate.” Nice.
KATE Anyway … good luck!
PAIGE You too!
They turn back to what they’re doing. PAIGE looking over her lines and KATE going through her beauty routine.
KATE pulls out a teasing comb and looks around. Starts wildly pulling at her hair with the instrument.
KATE (Explaining.) … just wanna … you know …
PAIGE I get it! Add a little volume? (Points.) I just threw mine up in a bun—I thought it said the character had her hair up in a bun—but that looks great./ Very chic.
KATE Thanks!/ I’ve been running around all day.
PAIGE Nice. Auditions?
KATE Ummmm … yes. That and, you know … other stuff./ Class and over to Equity … stuff.
PAIGE Right./ ’Course.
KATE Just “acting” stuff.
PAIGE Me too.
KATE Yeah?
PAIGE Yep. “Pilot Season,” so … you know … ABC has me under contract but I’m still free to get out there and—(Beat.) Whatever! This whole business is crazy!!
KATE shakes her head firmly in agreement at this statement. Apparently she and PAIGE are simpatico on this.
PAIGE No shit! Like … certifiably nuts …
KATE Right? All these opportunities … I feel like this is really gonna be my year … this year or next year.
PAIGE … that’s so cool … good luck!
KATE Thanks! You too.
PAIGE That’d be great if one of us gets this. “The daughter.” Such a break-out part.
KATE Absolutely.
PAIGE My agent says CBS is thinking about her as a potential series regular …
KATE No! Really?/ I love the death scene … I hope they don’t cut that.
PAIGE Yep./ It’s a guest spot now but they’re considering her for a six episode arc and maybe a full-on regular if they’re picked up again next year.
KATE WOW./ That’s …
PAIGE I know, right?/ It’s exactly what I need right now …
KATE Sweet.
PAIGE Uh-huh. (Beat.) Anyway … good luck.
KATE Thanks. You too. (Beat.) Definitely.
KATE smiles and goes back to doing her hair. PAIGE looks down at the pages again. Finally, KATE speaks to her:
I’m actually between agencies …
PAIGE Oh. Too bad. Shit.
KATE Yeah.
PAIGE That’s hard.
KATE I know. (Beat.) I’ve got this manager, but …
PAIGE A good manager is great.
KATE No, that’s true … of course …
PAIGE Makes a huge difference.
KATE Yep. But … an agent …
PAIGE Well … I mean … you gotta have an agent in this business … if you wanna survive!
KATE True.
PAIGE No, but I mean you have to have one./ No question.
KATE I know./ Right, but …
PAIGE HAVE-TO. Imperative.
KATE Okay … I know. Sure.
PAIGE Because if you don’t … like, if you don’t have one … or are in-between or whatever you are … or got, say, dropped even …
KATE I didn’t!! It’s a transitional thing … I’m just playing the field a bit, seeing who’s the best fit for me and who’ll be my best advocate and … they didn’t drop me. At all./ They did not.
PAIGE No, God!/ I’m not saying that about you! I’m just saying a person, if you’re some person who had that happen … if you were to be kicked out by your agency … let go or happened to be released as a client …
KATE I really wasn’t! I don’t want you to be thinking that, because … it’s not true!
PAIGE … I’m just saying hypothetically …
KATE Yeah, but it makes me feel bad, because mine left … my agent left—she had this skin thing—and she was really great and hard-working for her clients … which I loved … but …
PAIGE My people are shit. I mean, they’re huge, CAA, they’re massive and they’re amazing but sometimes they’re shit, too, do you know what I mean by that? (Beat.) Amazing while simultaneously managing to be this steaming pile of shit … at the same time?
KATE … I think so …
PAIGE It’s just … it’s so competitive, just at the agency!! All the Emmas and Jessicas and Jennifers and everybody … and all of us out there vying for the same thing, the same little … bits of bread …
KATE … the crumbs …
PAIGE Yes! And sometimes not even that! They’re not even crumbs … bits of crumbs! A tiny piece of a bit of a crumb!
KATE Crumbs of crumbs …
PAIGE Exactly! YES! God, I’ve never heard it put that way but yes! Exactly like that! “Crumbs of crumbs.” (Beat.) You’re, like, an “old soul” or something, aren’t you?
KATE I mean … kind of …
PAIGE I can tell! No, seriously, I can …
KATE nods at this, realizing just how similar they are. A smile between them.
Anyway. Good luck.
KATE Yeah. You too. (Beat.) You too …
They smile and nod again. KATE looks off toward a door. Checks the time on her phone. Looks back over at PAIGE.
PAIGE Knock on wood! Right?
KATE Exactly! (Beat.) Or “Touch wood.”
PAIGE Hmmmm?
KATE “Touch wood.” It’s the same thing. It’s what they say in London for “Good luck.” “Touch wood.” (Beat.) I studied at RADA.
PAIGE Nice! I love London. Love to work there.
KATE Me too. Can’t wait to. (Beat.) Anyway … Break a leg.
PAIGE Right, yes, right! You as well …
KATE Thanks.
PAIGE I mean with everything …
KATE doesn’t exactly understand what PAIGE means by this.
KATE Excuse me?
PAIGE Not just this … “the daughter” … I mean with everything. Getting another agent. That sort of thing. All of it./ The whole “career” part of your … life …
KATE Ahhhh. I see./ Well … thanks.
PAIGE You bet.
KATE Will do.
PAIGE Get the agent first … trust me. (Smiles.) You gotta have an agent!
KATE I know you do! That’s just … yes. There’s no way around that. I know …
PAIGE Not that I’m aware of, no. Ya gotta have one!
KATE Okay, good, I get it! Got it! I need an agent! O-kay!! Thank you!! I GET IT!!!!
A moment of tension. KATE starts to go back to her own preparation when PAIGE calls out to her. Making peace:
PAIGE Hey … would you wanna run lines?/ Sorry. Wanna run lines?
KATE Hmmm?/ Ahhhh …
PAIGE Just—only if it helps you—I got this late last night and I didn’t quite get the whole thing down yet … so … I just thought …
KATE thinks about this. Considering.
KATE Oh. Ummmm … (Looking at PAIGE.) Ok. Sure. Let’s run ’em.
KATE turns and gets out her sides. Scans the lines.
So … (Reading.) … should we start with the … how did you deal with the Farsi?
KATE The “Farsi.” The Persian language in the second side … how did you handle that?
PAIGE Oh God! You mean all the …?! (Scribbles in mid-air.) I dunno! I was just gonna …
KATE Wait, what’s …? (She mimes the scribbles.)
PAIGE Just … the way those people write words.
KATE I think it actually goes in the opposite direction. (Mimes this.) Right to left …
PAIGE Oh. Huh. Anyway, I figured I could fake my way through that part at the audition, and then when I get cast—I mean if, if I get cast—then I’d get help from a tutor or something … a linguist that the network would hire … or whatever. That’s probably how they do it … (Beat.) Right? I’m just saying, like, when I played a prostitute on Homeland or on that, umm, one show … 24 … that’s how they did it there. With a specialist.
KATE Oh. So … you played a … prostitute on both of those shows? Really?
PAIGE Yeah. Not the same one. Different ones. One was a red-head. (Beat.) Anyway, I’m thinking I could kinda just fake my way through it. Like make that sound they do when somebody dies or that type of thing. (Makes noise like a Middle Eastern woman in mourning.) I’m saying just for now …
KATE Yeah. No, I’m sure you can do it that way if you need to./ That’ll be fine. If you can’t do it the other way …
PAIGE Cool./ Wait … what do you mean? Did you actually learn those parts? I mean … in Farsi?
KATE Yeah.
PAIGE You did?! (Beat.) Wow. (Beat.) Shit.
KATE I just think it helps …
PAIGE I mean … yeah! That’s incredible!
KATE Hopefully they’ll appreciate it in the room. You never know, but hey, fingers crossed. (Smiling.) “Touch wood.”
PAIGE That’s amazing.
KATE You do what you gotta do. I’m sure you’ll be great in the other section, that first bit. Where she … takes her shirt off.
PAIGE Terrific.
KATE No! I mean … I’m sure that’s not the only reason they’ve called you in … just for that./ Probably not …
PAIGE Maybe!/ God, it sure feels like it now …
KATE No, I’m sure it’s more than that. I mean, you’re so good … and you had a series …/ That cancelled series …
PAIGE True./ Wow … so, if you don’t mind … you know, letting me pick your brain for a second …
KATE No, no, no. Pick away.
PAIGE I just … how did you do it? So quickly, I mean … all the …?
KATE What? The language stuff?
PAIGE nods her head and slides down another chair or two.
PAIGE Yeah! They sent it over really late last night … I didn’t even have time to read the whole script and … you managed to …!
KATE You got the whole script?
PAIGE Of course. I’m at CAA. We always get the whole script …/ Some guy from CAA wrote the script!
KATE Wow. That’s …/ It’s nice to be “wanted.”
PAIGE That’s true, it’s usually great, but … like I said before … so what? Here I am, ready to go in there with producers and network execs and I’m not even prepared! FUCK! This really … just …!
KATE Sucks?
PAIGE Yes! IT SUCKS! Damn it … I’m gonna just go off on somebody later! At least somebody’s assistant!
KATE I know … I hate it when they throw you a curveball like that …
PAIGE This isn’t even … it’s like murder! It’s like they’re actually murdering me!/ Sending me in there to be murdered!!
KATE No./ Not quite. It’s bad, don’t get me wrong—looking foolish is bad—but it’s not … murder. (Beat.) True?
PAIGE Ok, no, maybe not that. Not murder. But incest. It’s like that … (Beat.) I mean, these guys are supposed to be my family! Right?! They are my “family” and they’re fucking me over so that’s … what else’re you gonna call it if not that?! Right?! It’s incest.
KATE nods her head, trying to be sympathetic. PAIGE is just not happy about this.
KATE I get it. Maybe not the “incest” part … I’ve only got sisters … but I know that feeling in my gut … when I’ve gone into auditions and really blown it./ And not even just blown it but, like, so totally and completely embarrassed myself that I’ve felt like leaving the industry or, like, I should be in some other line of work because of my total lack of preparation. Yeah. I definitely know that feeling …
PAIGE is nodding her head while KATE is talking. She is feeling this—suddenly very nervous about her audition.
PAIGE Shit./ Fuck!/ (Beat.) Fuck, fuck, fuck!!/ FUCK!!!
KATE … it’s okay./ You’re gonna be fine …/ Probably.
PAIGE I don’t even know where to begin with some of this shit!!
KATE It’s a tricky language. It’s beautiful when you hear it, but it’s tricky …
PAIGE Shit!! I was just gonna make that funny noise and read the English translation that they’ve got here …
KATE Good. Cool … I’m sure that’s what most people are doing …
PAIGE Yeah, but not you! You went and learned the damn thing …!!
KATE No, that’s not … I just brushed up on it. With Rosetta Stone …
PAIGE Really? That crap they sell at the mall?
KATE Yeah. (Whispering.) I mean … I feel like I’m cheating a bit, because … my mother’s Persian./ Well, half. She’s half Persian.
PAIGE She is?/ Really?!
KATE Absolutely. From Iran. Well, her mom was.
PAIGE FUCK! That’s so lucky! My mom’s from fucking Tucson!! That sucks!!! I always hated Arizona and now I hate it even more!!
KATE Yep. So I’ve been speaking Farsi … a few words and phrases, anyway … for most of my life.
PAIGE So cool! That’s … (Studying her.) God, you do not look Middle Eastern. You’re so pretty …
KATE Well, like I said … it’s just half. Half of a half, actually … which is … God, I hate math! (Thinks.) Lemme see.
They both think about this for a minute—unsure what the answer to the equation would be. Even counting it out on their fingers.
PAIGE Anyway … you’re “part,” right? You’re at least “‘part” Middle Eastern. (Beat.) Which I can kinda see now … like I said, in the eyes. You have such exotic eyes!
KATE Thank you.
PAIGE You’d look really good in the … (Miming.) … you know … with the thing covering up your head … and the …
KATE A “burka?”’
PAIGE Yes! One of those! You’d look amazing in one … that eye-hole thingie would really flatter you …
KATE Thanks, I guess. (Beat.) Just so you know, though … I’m a Lutheran …
PAIGE No! I wasn’t being rude … no offense! I honestly meant it as a compliment …
KATE … thanks …
PAIGE realizes that KATE doesn’t like this so much so she tries connecting by explaining herself:
PAIGE I really did! (Beat.) Some people—some actors—would not take it like that, but I really did mean it that way. I think you’re totally nice looking.
KATE That’s sweet. Thank you.
PAIGE You’re really “Middle Eastern?” God, you don’t have any of the … sideburns or …
KATE Well, like I said. It is just half.
PAIGE Half of half.
KATE Right … which is … like … (Thinking.) Ahhh! Fractions! Whatever! Anyway, not that much!! Plus my dad is Norwegian …
PAIGE Oh! Well, that explains it … I love all those countries up there … Sweden, and … (Thinks.) Iceland! Such beautiful people!
KATE half-smiles and starts to speak when BREE returns. She looks around the room. Checks her clipboard, then exits.
KATE stands, taking a step toward her. She turns and speaks to PAIGE:
KATE God, they’re taking forever with that girl who’s in there now … it’s kind of starting to freak me out …
PAIGE Fuck, I wonder if they just gave her the part or something?!! Probably!!/ Shit!!! That bitch … they probably love her for this, and it’s such a good part! I HAVE GOTTA READ FOR THIS PART!! FUCK!! I HAVE TO!! HAVE-TO!! I’M SERIOUSLY NOT GOING HOME WITHOUT READING FOR THIS PART!! I WON’T! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!
KATE Yeah, probably!/ You okay there …?
PAIGE is getting herself worked up. She takes a breath.
PAIGE I’m not ranting, I’m really not, just blowing off some steam but … you know … nobody over at CAA told me to go learn Farsi!! Nobody on my team told me I might as well play the lottery every day and hope to win a Mega Billion and buy my own fucking broadcast network, the likelihood of me ever being cast on a good show … especially being an actor who’s based in fucking New York!!
KATE I hear you. I feel that all the time …
PAIGE Yeah, but at least you speak Persian!!
KATE It’s just so much of the moment, I think. So much pain and suffering going on there in the Middle East and TV’s very quick to pick up on that …
PAIGE That’s true. Most of my favorite shows do some kind of terrorist component. (Beat.) Shit! That’s so dumb of me not to connect the dots! FUCK!!
PAIGE knocks her bag to the floor. Clearly frustrated.
KATE Anyway … there’s still time …
PAIGE For what?
KATE I guess I can … I mean, I can steer you through the basics … just so you don’t sound like a complete idiot in there …
Silence. The wheels begin to slowly turn in KATE’s head.
PAIGE That’s … you’d do that?! For me? Another actor … I mean … an actor that you’re in direct competition with?
KATE Sure. We’re all in this together … right?
PAIGE Yeah! Absolutely … I mean, I can’t help that I’m a bit further ahead but yeah … we’re all in the same boat. Essentially. (Beat.) Just the first lines, help me with the first couple and then I can just … you know … I’ll start crying or something, get their minds off it through my tears. (Beat.) I’m an amazing fake cryer.
KATE I’ll bet. (Beat.) Ok, fine, so, let’s …
PAIGE grabs her stuff and slides down a couple of seats.
PAIGE Alright … so this first part—and some of this is just backstory—but here where Susan’s begging for her husband’s life …
KATE … right …
PAIGE … but in a kind of comical way …
KATE Uh-huh.
PAIGE Like she’s crying, but she’s still a funny person … she’s still amusing …
KATE … and sexy …
PAIGE Right … and sexy … and she wanders over to that “guard,” the one with that big gun in his hands, and she’s, like … it takes a second for her to realize that she’s made it this far … into the lair of her enemy—without weapons, without back-up—simply because she is who she is: a beautiful woman, with brains and guts and, and … and …
KATE Nice breasts. (Beat.) It says that in my pages. “Nice breasts.” Does it in yours?
PAIGE Yeah, it does. Yes.
KATE I mean, mine are nice—I’ve always felt that they were, anyway, but—yours are probably more what they’re looking for.
PAIGE We’ll see … whatever. That’s not, like, her main focus in this scene … anyhow, Susan’s there. Right there. Inches away from being reunited with her husband … David … but there’s this guard there. Achmed. He’s the son of her friends—Bashir and Pasha—and he’s standing in front of her. She’s gotta get past him. So she opens her mouth, licks her lips … (Mimes this.) And then she speaks. Speaks to Achmed—this is in the script not on the sides, so you probably weren’t even aware of their … oh shit! This is where she has her hair up in a bun! That’s why you didn’t know about the … anyway—she and this guy, the one guard guy? Achmed? They’re actually lovers …
KATE No!/ Really?
PAIGE YES./ That’s what it says … unless they plan on re-writing it …
KATE thinks about this for a moment. Truly surprised by this new piece of information that she didn’t have.
KATE Susan and that guy are lovers? The guard? “Achmed?”
PAIGE Yep. I think so. That’s what it says.
KATE Shit! That’s—by the way, you’re actually pretty good with names. (Beat.) But geez, thanks! That totally changes the way I was approaching this thing. Huh. Wow … (To PAIGE.) I appreciate it.
PAIGE No problem. Sista. (A thin smile.) So … would you actually do that … right now? Help me understand a little bit of this, even just the first line or two? (Beat.) That’d be SO great …
KATE Sure. Of course. Let’s see … (Pointing.) I’ll just write it out here in the margin so that you can … do you have a pen?
PAIGE looks around, scoops up her bag and digs in it. Finally produces a pen. Hands it over.
PAIGE This is so nice of you! I’m gonna give you my agent’s details after this … I really am./ I mean, like, his assistant.
PAIGE Of course!
KATE It’ll only take a minute. (Writing.) Just lemme think … I’ll write it out in a way that you can understand it. Phonetically. (Serious.) And promise me, when speaking the language, to use your entire mouth. Tongue, teeth, lips. The key to Farsi is spit.
KATE demonstrates and PAIGE tries to copy her movements. KATE looks on approvingly. Pats her on the back.
KATE turns to PAIGE’s script and starts writing as PAIGE looks around, decides to go for it. Jumps up.
PAIGE Hey … do you mind if I go to the bathroom while you’re doing that? I’ll only be a few seconds but my bladder … it’s always a killer right before I go in the room! (Indicates.) Plus, I just wanna get …
KATE No problem. I know the drill!! I’ve gone twice already!/ (Smiles.) If they call you I’ll let ’em know you’ll be right back.
PAIGE Great!/ That’s so great! And I will give you that number after, okay?/ On our way out.
KATE Sure./ Perfect.
PAIGE Thanks. (Beat.) And hey, listen … if they bring you in first, before I get back … then … you know …
KATE What?
PAIGE Nothing. I just wanted to say: good luck!
KATE Thanks! You too!
PAIGE Hey … how do you say that in Farsi? “Good luck?” How does that sound?
KATE Oh. Ummmm … (In Farsi.) Pren-tu-mesh.
PAIGE Ha! Cool. Okay. Well … “pren-tu-mesh!”
KATE Yeah. You too. Pren-tu-mesh Kell-shez! (Beat.) That means “Best of luck to you!”
PAIGE smiles and hurries off, headed to the ladies’ room. She turns and looks back at KATE. Takes a step toward her as she says:
PAIGE Ahhhh … you’re not just writing gibberish there … are you? To make me look stupid?/ No, I just … mean … some people might …
KATE Come on./ Would I do that? To a sista?
PAIGE thinks about it. Nods. Smiles, turns and walks off—she looks back one time as she exits:
PAIGE “Pren-tu-mesh!”
KATE waves as PAIGE leaves. A moment or two passes and the BREE walks into the room. Looks around.
BREE Paige? Is there a “Paige” here? (Looking at KATE.) Are you “Paige Parsons?”
KATE No. You mean that “blonde girl?” The one who was right over there?
BREE I don’t know. Guess so. You guys all look the same to me. (Looks again at her list.) Someone named Paige Parsons. That’s all the info I’ve got here.
KATE Yeah … that’s her. (Beat.) I think she left. She took her stuff and just …/ Yep. An emergency or some … kinda …
BREE Really?/ Oh … ok. Whatever. Thanks.
KATE Sure. Happy to help.
BREE I guess you’re next. You might as well come in now … (Reading.) Are you “Kate?”
KATE Yeah … “Kate Carlson.” Great. So lemme just … I’ll be there in one minute.
BREE nods at KATE. Looks around one more time, then checks PAIGE off her list and disappears.
KATE smiles to herself, finishes writing out another line of dialogue on PAIGE’s sides. She sets them down on the chair. She thinks about it, grabs them again and writes:
(To herself.) “Pren-tu-mesh.” (Beat.) Bitch …
She finishes. Calmly places the sides and the pen on the chair. She packs her things and heads into the audition. Looking tall and beautiful and confident.
One last look around the room. She smiles and starts to exit.
Suddenly KATE stops, remembering something she needs to do. She digs in her purse and pulls out a pair of silicone breast enhancers (“chicken cutlets”) in a Ziploc baggie. Looks around and quickly slips them inside her bra. Adjusts them and checks herself out. Satisfied with the result, KATE marches off toward her audition.
A moment passes. PAIGE enters and sits back down. Looks around. No KATE. Picks up her sides and reads:
PAIGE “Pren-tu-mesh.” Ahhh, that’s sweet … (Beat.) Okay, come on, come on … let’s do this.
She looks over toward the door as she shakes her head. Finally goes back to her sides.
PAIGE tries to quietly work on the Farsi dialogue.
“… and now it’s come to this, has it? The end of the road for you and me …” (She now tries this in phonetic Farsi.) “Fac-a-lac-a-lac-a-shed-maka-het-mala.” Fuck. That’s hard. (Tries it one more time.) “Fac-a-lac-a-lac-a-shed-maka-het-mala.” That can’t be right! Can it …? Fac-a-lac-a-lac-a-shed-maka-het-mala. SHIT! Ok, Again. “Fac-a-lac-a-lac-a-shed-maka-het-mala …” Damn it. One more time. “Fac-a-lac-a-lac-a-shed-maka-het-mala.”
PAIGE sits alone, waiting for her chance to audition for the wonderful role of “the daughter.” She continues to work on saying the words in her badly broken version of Farsi.
Silence. Darkness.