LIGHTS UP
A bedroom with a table and chairs up onstage.
A MAN sits on the edge of the bed smoking a cigarette. He looks like he’s contemplating putting a bullet in his head despite the New Year’s Eve party hat he’s wearing.
The sounds of the party are heard offstage.
WOMAN: (O.S.) ASSHOLE! Fucking kill you!
A WOMAN enters, stage left. She notices she’s not alone.
WOMAN: What an asshole.
MAN: Yeah?
WOMAN: Yeah.
MAN: All right.
Long pause. She scans the room.
WOMAN: Do you wanna know why?
MAN: Why what?
WOMAN: Why he’s an asshole.
MAN: I guess. If you want to tell me.
WOMAN: Whatever.
MAN: Okay. Whatever.
WOMAN: Yes or no?
MANL Excuse me?
WOMAN: Yes or no?
MAN: Yes or no what?
WOMAN: Yes or no, do you want to hear about the asshole.
MAN: Sure, lady, yeah. I’d love to hear all about it.
WOMAN: Lady?
MAN: Yeah, lady!
WOMAN: That’s what you say? Lady?
MAN: I don’t know. What should I say?
WOMAN: Well, not lady. Who says lady? I mean, that’s what you say? Lady? Lady’s just so…I mean… Lady?
MAN: Fine! Miss, ma’am…honey…baby…whatever.
WOMAN: Sorry, guy!
MAN: All right, look, I apologize. Okay! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… It’s just that I’m sort of in a…
WOMAN: Happy New Year!
MAN: Yeah! Happy New Year to you, too.
She sits down at the table and starts to pour herself a drink.
WOMAN: Right.
MAN: Right.
They just stare at each other for a few seconds. The Woman studies him and then leans in.
WOMAN: So, do you want me to tell you about the asshole or not?
MAN: Look, lady, it seems like you’re dying to tell me about the asshole. So, if that’s what you want to do, then go ahead and do it. Please! I’m gonna have to be honest, though, I won’t know which asshole we’re talking about. I’ve seen a lot of them since I got here. In fact, to be more honest, as far as I’m concerned, they are all assholes. If they were not, they wouldn’t be here. This is an asshole party… Anyway, I don’t want to be rude, but if you wanna tell me something, please just go ahead and tell me.
WOMAN: What about you?
MAN: What about me?
WOMAN: Well, you’re here. Are you an asshole?
MAN: Probably. Yeah!
WOMAN: Are you really?
MAN: I don’t know.
WOMAN: You don’t know? Is life tough for you? Hate the holidays? It’s the holidays, isn’t it?
He just stares at her, dumbfounded.
WOMAN: What’s the matter?
MAN: Excuse me?
WOMAN: Oh, I see! You’re just sad in general.
He just keeps staring.
WOMAN: Is that it?
MAN: Is what it?
WOMAN: Are you just sad in general because you’re an asshole?
MAN: You’re a monster.
WOMAN: Excuse me?
MAN: You are. You’re a monster. It’s fine, though, because I’m clearly starting to get a kick out of it. But you are clearly a mean lady.
WOMAN: And you’re a mean man.
MAN: How am I a mean man? What did I do?
WOMAN: You just called me a monster.
MAN: Right! Because that’s how you’re being.
WOMAN: NO! You don’t do that. You don’t tell someone you don’t even know that they are a monster. That they are a mean lady. You don’t do that. You don’t even know me.
MAN: No, you’re right. I don’t, but I think I am a very good judge of character, and from the few minutes or so I have known you…
WOMAN: You think I’m mean.
MAN: Yes, I do.
WOMAN: Why? Because I was trying to start up a conversation? I’m trying to talk to you. I’m being social. You’re the mean one. I’m trying to be sweet and talk, and you call me names.
MAN: I’m sorry, I completely misunderstood sweet and social for… Something else.
WOMAN: Okay… I accept your apology. I’m not mean, I’m sweet.
MAN: I’m sure you are. Maybe I’m a little judgemental. Jumped the gun a little bit.
WOMAN: It’s okay. But so you know, judgement is a terrible thing.
MAN: Yes, it is. I know that. And I’m working on it!
WOMAN: Well, that’s good. I’m glad I could help.
MAN: I’m glad you could help, too… Thank you.
WOMAN: You’re welcome.
They stare at each other.
WOMAN: Tracy.
MAN: Hi, Tracy.
WOMAN: (Pointing to herself) Sweet.
MAN: (Pointing to himself) Theodore. Judgemental asshole. But, working on it.
WOMAN: That’s really your name? Theodore?
MAN: No, it’s Fred, actually.
WOMAN: Really?
MAN: No, Theodore is really my name. Why?
WOMAN: Well, I guess it’s better than Fred.
MAN: Oh, I get it. You don’t like my name?
WOMAN: It’s not that I don’t like it. It’s just… I mean, is that what your friends call you?
MAN: Don’t have a lot of those.
WOMAN: Well, if you did, would you let them call you Theodore?
MAN: You know, I’m starting to do the judgement thing again. I can feel it. I’m trying real hard, but… You know what I mean?
WOMAN: Well, how bout Teddy?
MAN: How bout Trace?
WOMAN: Trace is fine. You want to call me Trace, you can call me Trace.
MAN: I don’t want to call you Trace.
WOMAN: And I don’t want to call you Theodore.
MAN: Well, that’s a bummer. ’Cause that’s my name. I didn’t pick it, but I got it. Sort of got used to it, too. So…?
WOMAN: Well, what’s wrong with Teddy?
MAN: I guess there’s nothing really wrong with it, it’s just not my name. I mean, you might as well call me Fred.
WOMAN: I’m definitely not calling you Fred.
MAN: Well, that’s good. Now we’re getting somewhere… Here! I’ll explain! Save us a lot of trouble. See, usually what ends up happening is that you go from a Teddy, to the inevitable and very unfortunate, Ted. And that’s just a bummer. For me. I mean, it’s bound to happen one day or another, and I would just flat out hate to have that happen to me. Being a Ted is something I have been consciously avoiding my entire life. In fact, on top of that, in my entire life, I’ve never even met one Ted I liked. Even a little bit. All idiots in one specific way or another! Every single one of them. Call me stereotypical, call me crazy, call me judgemental, but whatever you do, please don’t call me Ted. Okay?
WOMAN: Okay.
MAN: Great.
WOMAN: If I promise for the rest of my life to never call you Ted, can I call you Teddy?
Long pause.
MAN: Sure.
She gets up and sits next to him on the couch.
WOMAN: You’re right, we are getting somewhere.
MAN: Well, praise the Lord.
She stands.
WOMAN: Oh no! You’re one of those, aren’t you?
MAN: I’m sorry? One of whats?
WOMAN: Are you Jewish?
MAN: No!
WOMAN: Then you’re one of those.
MAN: Those? Oh, those. You mean not Jewish, those?
WOMAN: Yeah.
MAN: I’m sorry, is that not okay?
WOMAN: I guess it’s all right.
MAN: You guess. You are amazing. You know that?
WOMAN: Thank you… Look, I just think Jewish people are better. In general. Just better people. I mean no offense.
MAN: No, no, no! Please.
WOMAN: And, I also think that they should stick together. I’m not against mixing, really, I just think it’s an accident waiting to happen.
MAN: Mixing?
WOMAN: Yeah.
MAN: So, I take it you’re Jewish?
WOMAN: Very.
MAN: That’s cool. I’ve personally never really had a problem with mixing. But that’s just me.
WOMAN: Well, what are you then?
MAN: You mean, as opposed to Jewish?
WOMAN: Mm hmm.
MAN: I’m not really religious.
WOMAN: Oh, well, that’s good. Good for me, anyway. You’re open!
MAN: I guess you could say that.
WOMAN: I did.
MAN: Yes, you did.
She stands over him and begins to grill him with rapid fire questioning.
WOMAN: So, if you’re not religious, why did you praise the Lord?
MAN: You know, I don’t remember.
WOMAN: Do you pray?
MAN: Only when I want something.
WOMAN: Who do you pray to?
MAN: I don’t know.
WOMAN: Well, is it internal or do you actually speak?
MAN: How about we be done with religion for now?
WOMAN: Okay! Why are you here?
MAN: Why are you here?
WOMAN: I don’t know. Maybe to meet you… Are you lonely?
MAN: Pretty much, yeah.
She moves away.
WOMAN: Is that why you’re here? ’Cause if it is, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
MAN: You’re the most interesting woman I have ever met in my life.
She moves back toward the couch.
WOMAN: Thanks, Teddy.
MAN: No, seriously. I just asked you why you were here and you told me that you were “maybe here to meet me,” and then in almost the same sentence, you said if I were here to meet someone that I was barking up the wrong tree.
WOMAN: I was right here, Teddy. I know what I said.
MAN: So, which is it? Am I barking up the wrong tree or did you come here to meet me?
WOMAN: I don’t even know you.
MAN: Right. What was I thinking.
WOMAN: I mean, how should I know?
MAN: I don’t know, you said it.
WOMAN: I said what?
MAN: Never mind.
WOMAN: Wait a minute. Are you hitting on me?
MAN: You know, I don’t really know how to answer that.
WOMAN: What does that mean?
MAN: Well…
WOMAN: Seems to me like a straightforward question.
MAN: Yeah…
WOMAN: Are you or are you not?
MAN: Well…
WOMAN: I mean, I didn’t mean to stump you. I was just curious…
MAN: Okay, but…
WOMAN: I mean, was I aggressive when I asked? I didn’t mean to scare you. Did I scare you?
MAN: No, you…
WOMAN: I mean, there’s no wrong answer. I’m not gonna be mad either way. It’s not like you have…
MAN: Will you shut up for a second?
Pause.
WOMAN: Okay, I’m not gonna take that personally.
MAN: Good. I meant nothing by it. I just wanted you to stop talking for a second.
WOMAN: Right, I got that.
MAN: Your question. Was I hitting on you? My answer? I don’t know. Or to be exact, I don’t know how to answer that. I think that’s what I said.
WOMAN: Yeah, Teddy. That’s exactly what you said. It only happened a few seconds ago, I was right here. I’m a smart woman. My ears work fine. You don’t have to repeat previous conversations to keep me in the loop. Let’s just try to move forward when we talk.
MAN: Why mean? Why condescending and mean?
She looks up to the heavens.
WOMAN: He tells me to shut up and I’m the mean one?
MAN: I’m right here. I really hate that.
WOMAN: And I really hate it when smart men think they have to go back and repeat entire conversations so that stupid women can remember what they said.
MAN: That’s not why I was doing that.
WOMAN: Then why were you doing that?
MAN: Because I am a smart man. And I want it known that I remember everything.
WOMAN: Good. ’Cause I’m not a stupid woman, and so do I.
MAN: Done. Understood. My apologies.
WOMAN: Great. So were you hitting on me?
MAN: No!
WOMAN: Well! I guess I was doing better before.
She walks away and sits back down at the table. He studies her. She looks away.
MAN: Look, truth be told, I still don’t know how to answer that one, I just didn’t want to repeat myself. Again.
She re-engages.
WOMAN: Do you find me interesting?
MAN: Very.
WOMAN: Do you find me attractive?
MAN: Absolutely.
WOMAN: We agree that I’m smart, or at least as smart as you. At this point anyway.
MAN: Sure.
WOMAN: Then why aren’t you hitting on me? I mean, what else do you want? It seems to me like the three most important elements are all in place. Why aren’t you hitting on me?
MAN: I don’t know. Maybe I am. Or I was. Or I still am. I don’t know.
WOMAN: You’re confusing.
MAN: No, you’re confusing. And that’s why I’m not hitting on you.
WOMAN: Figure it out, pal. Either you are or you’re not.
MAN: You know what? You just helped me figure it out.
WOMAN: For the record, I’ve helped you twice now, and I’ve only known you for a matter of minutes. Another reason why you should be hitting on me.
MAN: See, there’s the first part.
WOMAN: What?
MAN: Okay. Here’s the grand, overwhelming explanation.
WOMAN: Thank god.
MAN: And there’s the second. Every time you say something, something implying that you would like me to move forward, not two seconds later, you hit me with something that moves me back. So, I’m confused. You confuse me. I can’t get a clear read here. I don’t know what the right move is. My life? Pretty much sucks at this point. I’m unhappy, I’m alone! I’d love to meet an interesting, attractive, intelligent woman. You! Apparently all of the above. But I’m fragile right now. So as perfect as it seems, under the circumstances of course, I’m not in a place where I feel comfortable to just throw myself out there without a net. You, being the net. What I mean is that in order for it to work, I’m going to need some reciprocity. You sway. Back and forth. I’m never really sure if you’re gonna return the love. And while existing in this present state, that being one with a great lack of courage, I just can’t justify a strong move forward. I wish I could. I wish I felt better in general. But for now this is how I feel. I’d love to hit on you. And I mean, really hit on you. Really give it my all. But, like I said, I’m fragile right now… I feel it just wouldn’t be fair to me.
Pause.
WOMAN: That was a mouthful.
MAN: Yes, it was.
WOMAN: So, let me get this straight. You want a guarantee.
MAN: I didn’t say that.
WOMAN: No, you said you needed reciprocity. I believe a net is what you said.
MAN: I know what I said.
WOMAN: Well, what’s a net? A net is a guarantee.
MAN: No, a net in this case is reciprocity. I don’t need a guarantee that it’s going to work. I just need to know that we’re on the same page.
WOMAN: So, you’re saying you need some reciprocity.
MAN: That’s what I said.
WOMAN: I remember.
They share the moment.
MAN: So, I have it?
She just stares at him.
MAN: (Cont’d) I think you’re very interesting, beautiful, and smart! What do you think?
WOMAN: About what?
He stares at her as if to say, “Come on!”
WOMAN: Just kidding.
MAN: Well.
WOMAN: I think you’re cool.
MAN: Cool? That’s what I get? Cool? You get interesting, beautiful, and smart, and I get cool?
WOMAN: You know what I mean?
MAN: No, I don’t. What’s cool? What? Cool like the Fonz? Cool like how? What’s cool?
WOMAN: I think you’re hot.
MAN: Okay, that’s…cool.
WOMAN: But I’m not sure.
MAN: You’re not sure about what?
WOMAN: About us.
MAN: Oh, us. Well, that’s okay. I’m not looking for a guarantee or anything. Just some reciprocity.
They stare at each other. She looks away. She looks back. He’s still staring. She looks away again. Then after a few seconds, she looks back, studies him for a few more seconds, and then moves to the couch and sits down next to him.
WOMAN: Maybe we should kiss?
MAN: How’s that?
WOMAN: Well, if we kiss, we’ll know if we should be together or not. Or at least if it’s possible. See, usually you waste all the time of first dates and phone conversations, anticipating the kiss. You could be totally into someone, and then the second you kiss, you realize it’s not going to work. I think it’s just a big waste of time. If you meet someone and all the intials seem to be in place, interesting, intelligent, blah, blah, blah, then you should just kiss them right away. Save yourself a lot of time. If the kiss isn’t there, then it’s over anyway. That’s how people should introduce themselves. With a big, wet kiss.
MAN: Have you done this before?
WOMAN: I might have.
MAN: Didn’t work out?
WOMAN: No. I mean, the kiss was good but he ended up being a coke addict. Not really my thing.
MAN: What is your thing?
WOMAN: I don’t know.
MAN: You don’t find anything intriguing about the anticipation? The idea of really liking someone and really wanting to kiss them, but waiting? Not because you have to wait, but because it’s fun?
WOMAN: Yeah, when I was twenty. Before I became jaded and knew better.
MAN: Lots of red flags going up here.
WOMAN: Look, do you want to kiss me or not? If you don’t, fine. I don’t want to sit here and try to talk you into it. I’m a pretty and very classy lady. I’m not gonna sit here and beg.
MAN: I’m just talking.
WOMAN: Well, stop! Do you want to kiss or not?
MAN: Yes, I do.
WOMAN: ’Cause then we’ll know.
MAN: Right… Should we stand up?
WOMAN: Would you like to?
MAN: Sure.
They both stand. He awkwardly moves toward her. He attempts to put his hand on her waist.
MAN: Is that okay? The hand there?
WOMAN: Yeah, that’s fine.
MAN: We could do no touch if you want.
WOMAN: No, the hand’s fine.
MAN: Okay.
He puts his hand on her waist. And the other on the back of her head.
WOMAN: That one’s good for sure.
MAN: Good.
As he pulls her in closer, almost touching her lips, a crowd of people are heard offstage.
CROWD (O.S.) Ten, nine, eight, seven…
MAN: We might as well wait.
WOMAN: Okay.
They stare at each other, with their lips centimeters apart.
CROWD: Six, five, four, three, two, one…
They kiss, as the sounds of cheering party people hoot and holler in the background.
They break out of a long, passionate kiss.
WOMAN: (Pleased) Happy New Year.
MAN: (Pleased as well) Yeah, definitely.
THE END