Minor Holidays—The End

LIGHTS FADE UP OVER

A beautiful blonde WOMAN running around her perfect home with a broom. The cleaning almost literally turns her on. Almost to the point of orgasm.

You could eat off the floors of this joint.

A big, strong MAN walks through the door. He stands in the doorway demanding her attention.

She notices him and smiles.

MAN: What are you doing?

WOMAN: Cleaning!

MAN: Yes, you are.

WOMAN: Yes, I am. How was your day?

MAN: It was good… You wanna know why?

WOMAN: Yes, I do.

MAN: Yes, you do…it was a good day, because I worked. And do you know what happens when I work?

WOMAN: I think I do.

MAN: I think you do, too.

WOMAN: Tell me.

MAN: Going to.

WOMAN: Okay.

MAN: I make money.

WOMAN: Yes, you do.

MAN: Yes, I do. And then what?

WOMAN: You…

MAN: I…

WOMAN: You…

MAN: I…(Exploding)…Take care of my woman with the money I make. I bring home the bacon while she cleans the house, and while she cleans the house, I make the bacon. ’Cause that’s how it works, and I love it!

WOMAN: So, do I.

MAN: I know you do! You’re a woman and I’m a man.

WOMAN: It’s perfect.

MAN: I’m right.

WOMAN: I know you are.

MAN: I’m always right.

WOMAN: So am I.

MAN: I know.

The man takes off his shoes, sits on the couch, and turns on the TV.

The woman brings him a beer.

MAN: You know, I hate you sometimes.

WOMAN: (Smiling) You do?

MAN: Oh, yeah. I mean, I know we never argue, but I imagine what it would be like if we did. And it makes me want to kill you. Like I’m at work, the office, and I sit there making up all kinds of bad shit about you, like I imagine you driving me completely out of my mind.

WOMAN: Yeah?

MAN: Yeah… The little things. It’s the little things that I imagine you doing that drive me completely crazy. And sometimes I just hate you for it.

WOMAN: Like what?

MAN: Like I’ll be having a bad day, and you’ll call me in the middle of this hectic meeting, and although it’s not important, you’ll make it this huge, monster deal, and I’ll get on the phone, in the middle of this monstrosity of a day that I’m having, and you’ll just start bitching about nothing. Going on and on about something that has nothing to do with anything. And you think that what you are doing is expressing your feelings to the one person in your life that truly understands, but really all you are doing is wasting my time and making me want to commit suicide.

WOMAN: But, honey, I would never do that.

MAN: I know.

WOMAN: You know why?

MAN: Tell me.

WOMAN: Going to.

MAN: Good.

WOMAN: Because if I were to be actually needing the support of someone that I actually thought just loved me unconditionally and could truly understand me, I would never call a man. Let alone my stupid husband… You know why?

MAN: Tell me.

WOMAN: Going to… Because men don’t understand anything, let alone the feelings of a sensitive woman. To them, it’s bitching and moaning, to us, it’s the fact that life has become so boring that the only thing that makes sense to do is to go out and sleep with someone else.

MAN: Would you actually do that?

WOMAN: No, but I think about it all the time.

MAN: So do I.

WOMAN: I’m sure you do… How could you not?

MAN: I saw an ass today like you wouldn’t believe.

WOMAN: Really?

MAN: Yeah… Unbelieveable. Firm, round, everything. And the legs attached to it. Foget about it.

WOMAN: I bet.

MAN: You bet.

WOMAN: Would you ever cheat?

MAN: No way.

WOMAN: Would you lie?

MAN: That’s a whole other conversation, isn’t it?

WOMAN: Yes, it is.

MAN: Yes, it is.

WOMAN: You men are such pigs.

MAN: And you women are so dumb.

WOMAN: You know what’s so funny about that?

MAN: Tell me.

WOMAN: Going to.

MAN: Okay.

WOMAN: We think just the same about you.

MAN: Really?

WOMAN: Totally. Men in general? Just plain morons. To think that a man at work is “bringing home the bacon,” thinking everything is just great. The wife is home “cleaning,” everything is just great. Do you know how many of my girlfriends rob their husbands blind?

MAN: What do you mean?

WOMAN: Well, while the smart businessman is hard at work, the smart businesswoman is home at work. She’s not really cleaning. She’s got a maid. She’s sleeping with the accountant. I don’t need to give you the details there, but I’m sure you can use your imagination. But the funny part is, the stupid man is so clueless, and thinks his whole life is just perfect the way he wants it, and he doesn’t have the common sense to check his account every once in a while.

MAN: Either that, or he’s known about it all along and he doesn’t say anything. You know why? ’Cause he’s content. He’s content with the situation, and it’s worth a few bucks to continue banging the balls off of the secretary with the great lower half. Who knows, though?

WOMAN: I love you.

MAN: Love you, too! What’s for dinner?

WOMAN: We’re going out for dinner.

MAN: Says who?

WOMAN: Says you. Yesterday you said you would take me to dinner for my birthday.

MAN: You thought I forgot.

WOMAN: You did.

MAN: I know.

WOMAN: Asshole.

MAN: Bitch.

WOMAN: Come on, let’s get ready.

MAN: Well, actually, honey. It’s Monday night. The game and stuff.

WOMAN: I hate when my birthday falls on a Monday.

MAN: So do I. But what are you going to do?

WOMAN: I guess I’ll whip something up.

MAN: Yes, you will.

WOMAN: Yes, I will, and you know what?

MAN: Tell me.

WOMAN: Going to… I’m not going to hold it against you.

MAN: Thanks.

WOMAN: I’m not gonna just pretend everything is okay, and take it out on you by giving you the silent treatment for the next couple of days, and every time you ask me what’s wrong, just pout and say nothing. I refuse to do that!

MAN: Good!

WOMAN: I could if I wanted to, though.

MAN: I know you could.

WOMAN: I could go on and on about the fact that it’s my birthday, and how dare you? I could go on still about how you never take me out, and how the kind of sensitivity and affection I need is completely void, and it’s amazing that I don’t feel totally taken for granted. But I’m not going to do that.

MAN: Why would you?

WOMAN: I wouldn’t.

MAN: I know.

WOMAN: But just so you know, I know why I would, if I did.

MAN: Well, just keep that to yourself and we’ll be just fine.

WOMAN: Done.

MAN: Love that!

WOMAN: I know you do!

MAN: What are you gonna make?

WOMAN: I don’t know!

MAN: I do!

WOMAN: You do?

MAN: Yes, I do.

WOMAN: Tell me.

MAN: Going to.

WOMAN: Love that.

MAN: You’re not going to make anything. You know why?

WOMAN: Nope.

MAN: You wanna know why? Going to… ’Cause it’s your birthday!

WOMAN: Baby.

MAN: And you can’t cook to save both of our precious lives… Just kidding, but if I wasn’t, it would be true.

WOMAN: You love my cooking.

MAN: As long as that’s what you think, that’s all that matters.

WOMAN: That’s what I think.

MAN: Praise Jesus.

WOMAN: Where do we eat?

MAN: It’s your birthday, and I’d rather stay here and watch the game anyway. You decide.

WOMAN: No! You decide! You bore me to death and I’d rather go out with my friends, anyhow. It’s totally up to you.

MAN: Is that true?

WOMAN: Is what true?

MAN: That I bore you.

WOMAN: Who cares?

MAN: Good point. Not me… What is that?

WOMAN: What?

MAN: Spending time together. You’d think that we’d have the common sense to just eliminate that all together. I mean, we only pretend to enjoy it.

WOMAN: When you’re with me, who would you rather be with?

MAN: Anybody!

WOMAN: Me, too. Like, anyone else, it doesn’t even matter who.

MAN: It’s a shame we live together.

WOMAN: Hey, you win some, you lose some.

MAN: I love you.

WOMAN: I love you, too.

MAN: Hey, for the record, just real quick before we can’t decide where we want to go eat because I’m a man and you’re a woman, and we don’t understand each other, and every time I pick a place to eat and you misconstrue it to be my way of letting you know I hate you, when in reality I just want to get the whole thing over with, and I could basically care less anyway.

WOMAN: Right. Or if, like, I pick a place and you think I picked it specifically because I know you hate it, and all I want to do is make your life more miserable than it already is, and then you come to your senses and realize that you’re just making up reasons to truly define your disgust for me, when in reality you were right the first time?

MAN: Exactly.

WOMAN: Continue.

MAN: Thanks. What was I gonna say?

WOMAN: Who cares?

MAN: Good point. Let’s go.

WOMAN: Perfect.

MAN: Oh, wait. I remember.

WOMAN: Don’t you love that?

MAN: What?

WOMAN: Remembering.

MAN: That all depends.

WOMAN: Yes, it does.

MAN: Do you know what I remembered?

WOMAN: What you were going to say?

MAN: That’s right.

WOMAN: Tell me.

MAN: Going to.

WOMAN: Good.

MAN: Food.

WOMAN: Where to go?

MAN: Before where to go. Why I’m going!

WOMAN: Because it’s my birthday and you love me.

MAN: You’re so cute. No! I’m going because I have no choice. It’s what I’m “supposed” to do. (To himself) Football, dinner with the wife? Football, dinner with the wife? Insurance seminar, dinner with the wife…? You follow?

WOMAN: Like three fags on a yellow brick road.

MAN: Great.

WOMAN: So, where to, man?

MAN: Like I said.

WOMAN: Like you did, but I’m just the woman, and you’re paying.

MAN: You wanna know why?

WOMAN: ’Cause you’re the man, and men pay.

MAN: For more than you know, honey.

WOMAN: So, where to?

MAN: It’s not gonna stop.

WOMAN: You’re probably right.

MAN: I mean, we could starve to death.

WOMAN: Who do you think would die first?

MAN: Who do you think?

WOMAN: Meeeee.

MAN: Somebody give the lady a hand.

WOMAN: And somebody give the man a dick so he can make a discussion.

MAN: Below the belt.

WOMAN: Not much.

They both laugh.

MAN: Your pussy’s big.

They laugh even harder.

WOMAN: Where to?

MAN: You’re killing me.

WOMAN: You’re killing me.

MAN: Speaking of which, do you ever think about killing yourself?

WOMAN: Every day.

MAN: Me, too.

WOMAN: Amazing.

MAN: Let’s just do it. Then we wouldn’t have to eat.

WOMAN: Ever again.

MAN: Perfect.

WOMAN: I have a gun.

MAN: I didn’t know that?

WOMAN: If you only knew the things you didn’t know.

MAN: Like the accountant?

WOMAN: Or the secretary?

MAN: You kill me.

WOMAN: I’m going to.

MAN: Get the gun.

The woman runs offstage and returns with a rifle.

MAN: Look at that thing. I can’t believe you had such a big gun in the house. How did I not know about such a big gun in my own house. Have there been any other big guns in this house that I should know about?

The woman turns to the audience for the first time.

WOMAN: (To the audience): Do I even need to say it?

MAN: Wait, there’s a problem.

WOMAN: What’s that?

MAN: How do we do it?

WOMAN: What do you mean?

MAN: Someone kills and the other gets killed.

WOMAN: We take turns.

MAN: What if I change my mind after you’re done?

WOMAN: Good point… You go first.

MAN: What if you change your mind?

WOMAN: I will once you’re dead.

MAN: I know.

WOMAN: I couldn’t live without you.

MAN: Liar.

WOMAN: Watch it, buddy.

MAN: What do we do?

WOMAN: You’re the man.

MAN: This is true. Give me the gun…

Lights out… BANG! BANG!

THE END