THE BAR
Terrance and Layla sit at the bar. They tip glasses.
TERRANCE: Congratulations. You deserve it!
LAYLA: I knew it. What did I say?
TERRANCE: You are literally on fire.
LAYLA: Focus! Me. I was, still am, but that’s the thing.
TERRANCE: I’m very proud and looking forward to the money.
LAYLA: Boy, did I need it.
TERRANCE: Future monies.
Layla raises her glass.
LAYLA: To future monies.
Terrance raises.
TERRANCE: To the future.
LAYLA: To work and working and working relationships and none of any other kind because who cares.
TERRANCE: Something like that.
LAYLA: Okay, now, tell me everything. Because when you’re done, I have something very important to ask you.
Terrance waits.
LAYLA: I will not forget.
Terrance seems confused.
LAYLA: What I was going to ask you. What I am STILL going to ask you.
TERRANCE: Well, why don’t you just ask?
LAYLA: Because first I need more compliments. And that’s why I said I would not forget. I don’t want this to be all about me, and I wanted you to know that… Not all about me, but me first.
She smiles a big smile.
TERRANCE: Obviously.
LAYLA: So?
TERRANCE: You had the part when you walked in.
LAYLA: Yes.
TERRANCE: You lit up the room.
LAYLA: More.
TERRANCE: It’s weird. I’m anticipating what you are going to ask me, but at the same time, doing what I’m supposed to be doing. But I’m literally just trying to get through it quickly so we can move on.
LAYLA: That’s life, isn’t it.
TERRANCE: I guess so.
LAYLA: One more.
TERRANCE: You got the part and you start Monday. What the hell else is there, really? You are beautiful. I love you.
LAYLA: Perfect. Perfect. Perfect!
Layla soaks in the compliments. A few sighs and then some silence.
TERRANCE: Did we forget?
LAYLA: Ah! No.
Layla leans in.
LAYLA: I don’t want to offend you.
TERRANCE: Very hard to do, but I don’t want to be offended either.
LAYLA: Well, that’s the point. You shouldn’t be by what I’m about to say.
TERRANCE: Okay.
LAYLA: Or ask.
TERRANCE: Shoot.
Layla looks disgusted all of a sudden.
LAYLA: Please don’t say that to me.
TERRANCE: I’m sorry. What did I say?
LAYLA: Hawaii.
TERRANCE: Excuse me?
LAYLA: I did this movie just out of high school, years before we met, and don’t ask me how many. I’m sure you could find out if you really wanted to… I’m thirty-five years old, there I said it. I’m being quiet because I really don’t want to offend and you never know who could be listening. This is Los Angeles and we always need keep that in mind. Anyway. Hawaii! What a place! What a fucking dump, and I’m sorry, but what a bunch of dopes. I mean, the nerve of us even calling the place America. It’s not. I don’t know what it is, but it certainly is not this. Us. I mean, half of the place looks like Detroit which I heard we are no longer claiming, and the other half is wet and belongs somewhere in South America. We should actually give it to them… As a gift. They wouldn’t even have to change anything, just add a prefix.
Terrance raises his finger.
TERRANCE: Where is this going?
LAYLA: I’ll come back around, I promise. Anyway, needless to say, I was excited as a young girl to go to this place. This Hawaii. The truth is they don’t tell the truth. I mean, this is not Disneyland by any stretch. They being the people that tell the lies of aloha and mahalo. It’s bullshit. The place sucks is what I’m getting at. And if the bad food wasn’t bad enough… I mean, the idea of not being able to get one cuisine right and then opting to just fuck them all up and blend them together, you see the type of people we are dealing with.
TERRANCE: I do. Keep whispering.
LAYLA: So, if the aforementioned has not painted the picture I am trying to paint here… The people on this island, I mean! They have very few words and what’s worse is they don’t even use them with any sort of narrative or structure. I’m talking about sentences literally starting and ending with the word “shoot,” or “shoots,” and that’s what you said. I was moved, backward, many years backward, and there is the rant.
TERRANCE: I meant it metaphorically.
LAYLA: Oh, so do they. But all the while not even knowing what a metaphor is.
TERRANCE: You know, I gotta say, I had the opposite experience. Enjoyed the food, people were nice, lovely place if you ask me.
LAYLA: I didn’t.
TERRANCE: Perspective is all. Head space. Maybe you should try again.
LAYLA: Don’t.
TERRANCE: Okay, I won’t. If you don’t ask me what you are planning on asking me, I’m going to call the casting director and tell him you are not available.
She leans in and focuses on Terrance.
LAYLA: What is your purpose?
TERRANCE: Excuse me?
LAYLA: I love you with all of my heart. I have been on a kick and I’m enjoying it. What is your purpose? What do you do? When you go home, what do you do?
TERRANCE: I take care of a nine-year-old boy.
LAYLA: I love that kid.
TERRANCE: Me, too.
LAYLA: What else?
TERRANCE: I lead people to believe that you are the best actress on the planet.
LAYLA: Why?
TERRANCE: Because it’s true?
LAYLA: Cute.
TERRANCE: What are you getting at?
LAYLA: I feel that for the first time in my life, I have gotten a hold on myself. I have reached a plateau. Not one that I plan on falling from, but a good place. A real place. A place of purpose.
TERRANCE: Yes.
LAYLA: And now I want to help the ones I love. You.
TERRANCE: I don’t need any help, but thank you.
LAYLA: That doesn’t work for me.
TERRANCE: I’m sorry.
LAYLA: Don’t be sorry, let me help you.
TERRANCE: You don’t help me, I help you.
LAYLA: That’s not fair.
TERRANCE: That is also life. Trust me, this I know.
Layla looks confused.
TERRANCE: I’ll tell you what’s happening right now if you care to know.
LAYLA: I do.
TERRANCE: Rarely do two people serve the same purpose in one another’s life. When they do, it’s called a relationship. Another reason why they are so difficult.
LAYLA: Tell me about it.
TERRANCE: I am. That’s what you are missing and that is what you want.
LAYLA: Wait a minute.
TERRANCE: I don’t have a minute. I’m an agent.
LAYLA: Don’t do this to me.
TERRANCE: I’m doing nothing.
LAYLA: Yes, you are.
TERRANCE: It is what it is.
LAYLA: Right. Now I know your purpose. To depress me.
TERRANCE: No. I’m a teacher. Think of me as God. Imagine the world, your world, a pie chart. And all the little pieces make you whole. Right now you have a few working splendidly, but because the others have been put away, your pie feels heavy on one side, but tremendously weak on the other. Think of this pie like you would a motor. If you have an explosion with no moving parts, what are you left with?
Layla thinks about it.
LAYLA: A one-way ticket to Detroit?
TERRANCE: Correct. You might as well be in Hawaii.
LAYLA: I hate you.
TERRANCE: Don’t hate me. You just happen to be a part of my pie, but I unfortunately am not a part of yours.
LAYLA: Can we not?
TERRANCE: Yes. We can not. I love you, this will come up later, I’m sure. For now, let’s enjoy what we have.
LAYLA: What do we have?
TERRANCE: You have a job and I have a nine-year-old that recently started calling me Dad. Let’s talk tomorrow.
LAYLA: I took a cab because I planned on getting very drunk.
TERRANCE: I’ll take you home, sugar.
They exit as Giovanni and Marty enter.
GIOVANNI: I just need you to relax, okay?
MARTY: I’m trying.
They find a seat and settle in.
GIOVANNI: That is not true. I know your try. It has a look. This is something else. And if by some chance I’m wrong, I stand corrected, and also ask, if you could, please try harder. We’re just gonna have some laughs. Why not? It’s what people do. Even here in Hollywood, I imagine.
They sit.
MARTY: So this Lucy…
GIOVANNI: Whoa, whoa, wait. What?
MARTY: I didn’t say anything yet.
GIOVANNI: Yes, you did. You said Lucy. This Lucy you said, I just heard it.
MARTY: I wasn’t done. I hadn’t even started yet.
GIOVANNI: Well, that’s why I stopped you, because her name is not Lucy; it is Tracy. Similar, but not good enough. It won’t pass is what I’m saying.
MARTY: Tracy?
GIOVANNI: Yes.
MARTY: What happened to Lucy?
GIOVANNI: Obviously nothing worth discussing, certainly not at this point. These girls are to shortly arrive here, and this, I can only imagine, is not a fantastic opener. The other girl whose name we have confused with yours. She’s gone and never to return. Good enough?
MARTY: Fine. Tracy’s friend.
GIOVANNI: Excellent choice.
MARTY: That’s all I was saying before.
GIOVANNI: Well, here we are now.
MARTY: Dominique.
GIOVANNI: Yes.
MARTY: I got that right?
GIOVANNI: The more important of the two for all intents. For you anyway. You got the right one is what I’m saying.
MARTY: I don’t like the name. I’m just saying that before we go on.
GIOVANNI: What?
MARTY: Too many syllables.
GIOVANNI: What the fuck are you talking about?
MARTY: Too many syllables. I don’t like it. Maybe it’s not a problem, or maybe it is and it’s just a little one. In any case, you have got to stack the deck and that is what I’m saying.
GIOVANNI: What are you saying?
MARTY: Stack the deck.
GIOVANNI: What are we doing?
MARTY: I was seeing this guy a while back and that’s what he said. I don’t see him anymore so maybe that’s relevant, too, but I don’t know. It is. It’s like dating young girls. It’s fifty-fifty at the word go, right? I mean, you meet someone you like, you got a fifty-fifty shot of things going well at best. But when you date young girls, you’re stacking the deck badly, giving yourself shit odds, shittier than if you were dating, or looking to date, regular-aged grown-ups. I don’t want to do that. So this is what I’m saying. It’s the same thing with a name. Bad odds on top of something that doesn’t have great odds to begin with is no good.
GIOVANNI: You were paying a guy and he told you this.
MARTY: The age thing, yes, the name thing I added. I think it’s the same basic idea, and her name has too many syllabes.
GIOVANNI: What about my name?
MARTY: We play baseball and drink beers. I don’t have to like your name.
GIOVANNI: Are you saying you don’t, Marty, which by the way is a very boring name?
MARTY: I’m not…
GIOVANNI: Giovanni is original and it says something. Something special. What the fuck does Marty say? Nice to meet you, I’m an accountant, I can’t fuck, and I wear white briefs.
Long pause.
GIOVANNI: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.
MARTY: I just don’t like girls with long syllable names.
GIOVANNI: Well, it’s only three, so relax. Four? Okay, I get it. Four is a dealbreaker, fine. Three’s okay, though. Is that fair? Can three be okay, please?
MARTY: I suppose.
GIOVANNI: Dom-A-Nique. It’s good.
MARTY: I guess. I said I guess.
GIOVANNI: Please don’t do this, if you’re gonna do this, we might as well go somewhere else and say we got lost.
Marty stands.
GIOVANNI: Please sit down and don’t do this.
MARTY: I’m sorry. If you can imagine, I’m slightly nervous here. I have been with the same woman for almost half of my adult life. Kelly and I…
Giovanni puts his head down.
MARTY: What?
GIOVANNI: You said we were not gonna do this.
MARTY: I’m making a point.
GIOVANNI: I don’t want to hear it, and unfortunately I didn’t want it to come to this, but you leave me no choice. I have to be quick here, so listen.
MARTY: What’s the rush?
GIOVANNI: These people are coming here, these girls. What’s the rush? Tracy being one of them who I like very much and she is very mean to me, so I want things to be nice.
MARTY: Wait a minute.
GIOVANNI: I don’t have a minute.
MARTY: What the hell are we doing? I don’t like this girl’s name, the other one is mean to you, what are we doing here?
GIOVANNI: You have no idea what you are talking about, and therefore have to be led. That alone is grounds for no opinion. You not having one, I mean. About anything! So that’s out. And this woman, Tracy, and I’m going to say her name over and over again to make another point, but I will get to that in a second…
He pauses, losing his train of thought.
GIOVANNI: What the fuck? You see what you are doing here?
MARTY: This woman?
GIOVANNI: Tracy.
MARTY: Being mean to you.
GIOVANNI: Yes, is precisely why I like her, another thing you will soon learn and understand when you start properly searching the world for women again. Here we are. Tracy, Tracy, Tracy! I say that repeatedly, so you don’t slip and say the name Lucy. I see why one would jump to conclusions, but no. That’s not why. I say it to refer back to what the hell I was trying to say in the first place. Your ex. Not whatshername. Your ex. I’m still making a point.
MARTY: Oh, good.
GIOVANNI: It’s over, not just the relationship, but her name. We are dealing with science here, and I need you to play along. I learned this from a very wise man a very long time ago, his name was Vincent, if you must know, but I assure you it is not relevant. You don’t say her name, you don’t bring her up, you don’t even think about her for ninety days. That’s it. Someone who hasn’t seen you for a while, he’s not hip to current events, says how’s whatshername? You say fuck off! Or I don’t want to talk about that. Whatever you choose, that part is up to you. But the ninety days is nonnegotiable. I don’t know why ninety and not some other number, maybe it’s because of childbirth and the number nine, I’m not really sure, but I know it works. You do this, you follow through with this plan, and I promise you, you will feel better, and not only that, it will be over and you will have moved on. Now that is it and we start now.
MARTY: Okay, great. Can I just say one more thing about it, before we start?
GIOVANNI: You see this shit?
MARTY: I think it’s important.
GIOVANNI: Fine.
MARTY: We have a child, one that we share custody of. I believe, and I could be wrong, doubt it but who knows, it might be a bit of a hard one to accomplish and or follow through with. Am I wrong?
Giovanni thinks.
MARTY: Am I wrong?
GIOVANNI: No, you are not. I will call Vincent first thing Monday morning. I’m sure there is a clause or an alternative blueprint with these very case-sensitive specifics. I mean, you can’t be the only one who has ever been in this position, and this is fucking science, so don’t worry.
MARTY: Okay. I feel better knowing that, thank you.
GIOVANNI: Christ, we need a drink.
MARTY: I’m fine.
GIOVANNI: I’m all worked up.
MARTY: I’m sorry.
GIOVANNI: I understand, please don’t think I don’t.
MARTY: I don’t think you do.
GIOVANNI: Well, you are wrong.
MARTY: Destined for failure and loneliness. The feeling. You get that one often?
GIOVANNI: Not really?
MARTY: See? They wrote me off of the show, by the way. And what’s more, I don’t give a shit. Ain’t that just the coolest?
Two gorgeous GIRLS walk into the bar. Giovanni springs up.
GIOVANNI: Hey.
He hugs Tracy.
GIOVANNI: Marty, this is the lovely Tracy, and the very talented Dominique.
DOMINIQUA: Dominiqua.
GIOVANNI: What?
DOMINIQUA: It’s actually Dom-In-Iq-Ua? Not Dominique.
LIGHTS OUT