In the twenty-four hours since I’d discovered my girlfriend was pregnant, I didn’t think my feet hit the ground. What a feeling. I was going to be a dad. I wanted to spend every waking moment with Hannah, but she insisted that she fly solo for her appointment at the healthcare center on campus.
While I waited, I paced my apartment looking for something new to clean and continually checked my phone. No messages, emails, or missed calls. Every inch of my apartment was sanitized. What’s taking so long?
I turned on my Bluetooth speaker that was linked to my phone. The Sheryl Crow version of “Here Comes the Sun” that was in Bee Movie played. Such a happy tune. Branson liked the Nina Simone cover, but I couldn’t get into the jazz version—too damn depressing.
Carson always gave us shit that the original with her favorite Beatle was the best. I couldn’t wait to tell my little sister that she was going to be an aunt. She’ll freak.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t hear her knock until I heard her call out, “Hey, let me in.”
I opened the door, and a rush of cold air blew into the apartment. I gently pulled Hannah inside.
“Did you ride your bike? Is that okay to do? You know, with….”
The way her forehead wrinkled told me this was not a topic she wanted to discuss.
“Tea?” I asked, and she shook her head.
“Join me on the couch.” She took my hand and led me to my futon that smelled like pine-scented cleaner. I didn’t know how to clean a futon cushion, so I’d wiped it down with an antibacterial spray. Now I wished I hadn’t.
“How’d things go?” My excitement was getting the best of me.
“I’m about five weeks pregnant,” she said, and I couldn’t help smiling, but she wasn’t. “They checked my urine and then took blood.”
“But you’re pregnant, right?”
“Oh yeah, I’m pregnant.”
“Okay that’s good, right?” I gently squeezed her hand, which felt limp.
“Aaron, I’ve decided to terminate the pregnancy,” she said, and just like when she told me she was late, it took a few seconds to register.
“Like an abortion?”
“Yes.” Her voice never wavered. “I already made the appointment.”
“What?” My raised voice did nothing to deter her.
“We live in Ohio.”
“Yeah, and?”
“For a poli sci major, you sure are daft on local issues.”
“Okay, I’m not sure how attacking me or my major will help clear this up for me.” What the fuck?
“I’m sorry.” Her hand no longer felt limp in mine, only cool to the touch. “The heartbeat law.”
My mind blanked.
“It’s against the law in Ohio to terminate a pregnancy after a fetal heartbeat is detected, which”—she squeezed my hand to stop my interruption—“is about five to six weeks into a pregnancy.”
“Did they detect a heartbeat?”
She pulled away her hand. “No, Aaron, they didn’t.” She stood, and so did I.
“What? You come in here and lay this on me, and I’m just supposed to get on board with it?”
“Yeah, you are.”
My eyes watered and my throat ached. I was still floating, but not in a good way. I felt myself tear apart—one part of me was in my apartment and another part of me watched everything that was happening from above.
“Can we talk about it?” I asked.
“Why? So you can try and change my mind?” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“No.” I reached for her hand, but she kept it tucked against her.
“I don’t need your consent,” she said, which almost knocked me to my knees.
“Hannah.” My voice pleaded with her for a different outcome.
Her eyes glistened with tears. “Aaron, please… please don’t make this harder than it already is.” She lowered her head. “I’m sorry.”
I tried to keep it together, but all I could think of were the dreams I already had for us. “Can I go with you?”
When she looked up at me, her eyes told me her answer.
“Okay.” I wanted to hold her, but she seemed too far away to reach. “Hey, why don’t I make your favorite dinner—rice and chicken. We could binge-watch something. Maybe Dead to Me. I know you’ve wanted to see that.”
A weak smile followed. “Not tonight. Maybe some other time?”
But we both knew there wouldn’t be another time. When Hannah left, she’d never return. I would always be a reminder of something I was sure she’d want to forget.
There were so many things I wanted to say, but I didn’t want anything to sound like pressure. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do to Hannah.
So I said what I thought she needed to hear, but it wasn’t how I felt. It was so far from how I felt. “I’m so sorry this happened.”
She wrapped her hands around her body like she was trying to hug herself, and it just about broke me.
“Oh, Hannah.”
Tears streamed down her face. “I’ll be okay.”
But we wouldn’t be okay. And I didn’t know how to put us back together.
She kissed me on the cheek, and I bit the inside of my mouth to stop from losing it.
Then she turned toward the door, and I watched as she walked out of my life.