“You’re not going to do it.”
The louder David became, the more determined I had to be, but it was getting harder and harder to shut him out.
The handgun was smaller than I’d expected, but it’d do the trick. I only needed one shot.
I opened the laptop and created a new document.
My lip trembled and my hands shook.
“See, you don’t have the stomach for this.”
I wiped my eyes against the sleeve of my shirt. Fuck, David was right. I didn’t have the stomach for this. I didn’t even know how to write the letter.
“If you’re determined to do this, let me write the letter.”
You’ll talk me out of it.
“Nah, it’s probably one of your better plans.”
Be nice.
“Always.”
This time when I wrote, I let David speak through me.
Mom,
I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this. I hope that someday you’ll forgive me. My entire life I’ve wanted to make you proud. And the truth is I’ve done things you’d never understand and couldn’t possibly forgive. Even if you did, things would change between us. I don’t want you to ever look at me differently. But I know that when you discover what David and I did, you’d never look at me the same way again. I don’t even remember some of the stuff, only that I know we did stuff that wasn’t right.
My hands shook and tears flooded down my face. I can’t do this.
“That’s because you’re not supposed to. Let me do it for you.”
I nodded. There was an odd sense of peace knowing David would handle it.
“Let’s finish the letter.”
Mom, you’ll want to think it’s your fault, but it’s not. In the genetic gene pool, Branson and I got dealt a bad hand. And the best way to play a bad hand is to do the one thing no one ever expects—fold.
Folding is final. It takes you out of the game, but sometimes conceding that you’ve lost is the hardest, most honest truth to face. I haven’t been living with the truth for such a long time; it actually feels good to know that it’s still somewhere inside me.
The other thing that no one ever thinks about is that when you fold, it allows the other player a better chance. And there’s no one who deserves a win more than Branson. He’s lived in my shadow and then Trevor’s. I was always the more popular twin, which was all Branson ever wanted. He just wanted to fit in, and I was too much of a dick to give him that. When I’m gone, he can finally have it. Branson means everything to me, and he’s been through enough. It’s time he gets the win.
I love you, Mom.
I printed the letter and placed it with the other documents that were on top of my laptop, wanting everything to be easily found. I carefully arranged my keys, wallet, and cell phone neatly beside the computer, then picked up the gun and went to the futon, the place where my life started crumbling.
I’d just closed my eyes and imagined how everything would end when someone suddenly knocked on my door.