Aaron
One Month Later
The funeral for my brother was held in Wyoming during the middle of the week. Something about not wanting to ruin a Friday or some shit like that. It was a beautiful service that felt like it would tear me in half. What would I ever do without him?
So many people turned out for Branson. He would’ve been so surprised. He never realized how many people loved him. My God, he was so loved.
My mom cried, but I’d find her smiling a lot too. Neither Branson nor she deserved any less than my best at the funeral. So when it was my time to speak, I said all the things I wish I’d said more often when my twin brother was alive.
“I want to thank everyone for being here today,” I began. I held on to the sides of the podium, hoping it’d keep me from falling.
Little Jack and Carson sat beside my mom in the church. They looked up at me with such hope, like somehow I’d be able to give Branson back to them. But I couldn’t, and I knew I was a poor substitute for the brother they loved. The brother we all loved.
“Wow. If Branson could see this,” I said to the crowded church and swallowed hard. “Well, he wouldn’t believe it.” I rubbed my chin, but it didn’t stop the trembling.
My mom leaned forward like she was gently pushing me on.
I cleared my throat.
“I was born first, which I never let Branson forget,” I said to light laughter. “But Branson did everything first. He walked first, he spoke first, and when he saw the high dive at the swimming pool, he learned to swim the length of the pool so he could be the first to go off the high dive.” The memories of our summers swimming were as vivid in my mind as if I were there. “My brother was fearless. Nothing scared him. I may have been born first, but Branson was the leader of our pack.”
I lowered my head. Tears fell on the wood grain and slid down just as soon as they landed. It was as if Branson were wiping away my mess—again. I smiled. Okay, Bran, I’ll get it together.
“So, we all know my brother suffered from mental illness. He owned it. He never shied away from letting people know that he had battled some pretty dark demons. But what many don’t know is how many people my little brother saved by his honesty.”
My fist came to my mouth, but it didn’t stop me from crying. I took a deep breath. God, get it together. Branson deserves your best. I brushed my nose in the crook of my arm and didn’t care if my suit jacket was stained with snot. I cleared my throat.
“I didn’t even know how many people he’d helped until he died. Our house phone hasn’t stopped ringing with messages from classmates and guys he met in counseling who credit Branson for helping them stay in the fight.” I smiled. “That’s so much like him, to help someone, to cheer them on and keep them going. Man, he was a really great guy.”
I wiped my eyes, but everything was blurry.
“Branson was the strong one. He was the brave one. He knew he had a problem and got the help he needed. I didn’t.” I shook my head. “I was so afraid of being locked away in a hospital that I hid my symptoms from everyone, including myself. When Branson showed up in Ohio, he knew. He knew I was in worse shape than even I knew. But even when I threatened him, he stayed. He wouldn’t leave me.” My shoulders shook, and I was losing my hold on the podium. I couldn’t imagine a world without Branson.
“He didn’t leave until he saw that I’d returned—not my illness but me, his twin brother. He hung on. And then, and I’ll never forget this, he smiled.” I also smiled at the memory, even though it felt like I couldn’t stand. “Branson looked up at me and smiled.” I paused. “I’m really going to miss that smile.”
I stared at the coffin.
“You know, Branson had that smile, right?” I thought people in the church nodded, but it didn’t matter. “His eyes practically disappeared when he smiled. It was funny as hell.”
I wiped my nose on the sleeve of my jacket.
“The best thing about being a twin was Branson. He was the best part of me—hell, of both of us. I love him, and I owe him my life.” I stared at his coffin like he’d just get up and tell us it was all a joke. Only I knew it wasn’t.
“Everything reminds me of my twin brother. Just going through life now, there’s something missing, like a puzzle missing its final piece. I feel incomplete without him. And I know I’m not alone.” I looked at my mom, little Jack, and Carson. “I know we all feel that way.”
I wiped my eyes.
“People have told me that things will get better, but I can’t imagine healing from this. What people don’t know is what it’s like to be a twin. Being a twin creates a bond. Being an identical twin creates a partnership. I lost my best friend.” I lowered my head and took a moment while my heart shattered. Then I looked up with tears filling my eyes. “We all lost.”
I walked toward his coffin and placed my hand on it. “I love you, brother.”
Branson was more than my best friend, he was a part of my soul that disappeared when we lowered him into the ground.
Mornings were the worst. Every time I woke up, it hit me—Branson was gone, and he wasn’t coming back. It was like I relived his death every single morning. As if that didn’t suck, every time I looked in the mirror and saw his face, it brought more sadness and greater despair.
After we buried my brother, I removed all the mirrors in the treatment facility my mom found for me. I wasn’t ready to deal with the reality that the only reflection I would see would be my own and not Branson’s. One of the few people who seemed to understand any of this was Hannah.
Sweet Hannah.
She flew to Wyoming and stayed with my family. She visited me daily in the treatment center. She also joined the family support group with my mom, sister, and little brother.
They all had questions, and I wasn’t sure my answers satisfied them.
David provided a base, a foundation for me without any judgment. David was there just for me. I didn’t have to share him with anyone. I was relieved that with medication and counseling, his voice in my head was gone. I no longer felt divided, but I also didn’t know what to do next or who I was.
I’d been Branson’s twin for as long as I could remember. His absence in my life left a space that nothing and no one could fill—not even Hannah.
She did help me realize that I was not my illness though. She reminded me that when David was in my head, I was constantly flipping from one thing to the next, starting multiple things at once and maybe only finishing them half the time. It was why I maxed out my credit cards on clothes. I had no impulse control when David spoke, and I was narcissistic as hell. It was a wonder Hannah even stayed. But she had. And so had my family. They didn’t blame me for Branson’s death, but I did. I knew my twin brother would still be alive if I had been half as brave and courageous as him.
Branson’s counselor, Dr. Blaze, visited me and told me that my brother wouldn’t want me going through life blaming myself, nor was it a path toward healing. I wanted to heal, but I wasn’t sure how that was going to look without my twin.
After a recent family session, my mom returned my cell phone. It had been held by the police in Cleveland while they investigated Branson’s death, which was ruled an accidental shooting.
“Damn, you’ve got a cluttered inbox,” Carson said, peering over my shoulder. She sat next to me during family sessions like my new shadow.
“Yeah, I don’t have time to read all those emails,” I replied while we waited for my mom, who had taken Jack to the restroom.
She laughed. “Bro, I was talking about your voice mail.”
I glanced at the voice mail log. A backlog of old messages filled the screen. I scrolled to the top of the page. There was one new message on my phone from Branson. I looked at Carson, whose eyes filled with tears.
“I’ll go check on Mom,” she said before she left my room.
My finger shook as I hit Play and held the phone to my ear.
“Hey, bro, I’m coming to Ohio. I’m so excited to see you. It’s been too long. I don’t care what we do. I’m so proud of you and how far you’ve come. Ohio seems like it was the right move.”
There was a pause in the recording, and for a moment, I thought Branson had hung up. And then his gut-busting laughter filled my ear with the most heartwarming sound in the world. Tears streamed down my face.
“So, bro, I was just thinking about that time we switched classes in the first grade. How about we do that for graduation? I’ll finally be able to walk across the stage with honors.” He paused again and I held my breath, hoping his message wasn’t over.
“Man, I miss you. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you. I know you’re going to do great things and make us all proud. See you soon!”
I could barely see the screen of my phone. But I made sure the message wasn’t deleted. When the screen faded to black, my reflection surfaced.
“I miss you too, Bran.”
The more I stared at the face we shared, the more I realized that I was the only one who could carry on the memory of my brother. If I was going to fulfill his last wish and have that bright future he imagined for me, I had to learn to move on without him. I wasn’t sure how that was possible, but I had to try.
I’m going to make you proud.
The End