CHAPTER FOUR

Regimental Lunar Encampment on Mars

Dear Brigadier,

A terrible sight greeted me as my escape pod hatch opened and revealed the arid landscape in front of me. I had been looking forward to a genteel rescue, involving dashing men in uniform, perhaps a regimental dinner or two and then a tour of the excavations before hopping on the next transport home.

Martians to the right of them, Martians to the left of them, our gallant heroes bravely defended the tea table from the clutches of the cake-hungry fiends. One taste of tea and the troops were reinvigorated, prepared to sacrifice not one biscuit to the marauding aliens.

The first lunar regiment on Mars stood firm in their red coats, determined that the fearsome beasts should not interrupt the mining of sugar or stop the flow of tea to the Empire. Bravely, they beat them back, though the beasts’ desire for cake was terrible to behold.

So, if you could send some reinforcements—The First Tea Company would be perfect—and maybe another crate of Assam, it would be most appreciated.

With Love,

Emilly

The first Lunar Regiment requests the pleasure of your company for High Tea in the Officers’ Mess.

The regiment is currently enjoying the extensive views across the Tharsis Montes, whose mild volcanic activity can be seen to enliven the skyline. The encampment perimeter is secure, but personal defence devices are suggested just in case of Martian interest.

Please do not forget your breathing apparatus and escape pod in case of emergency evacuation from the area.

RSVP

Regimental Lunar Encampment on Mars Tea Menu

Crumpet Moons

Lunar Regimental Chutney

Empire Rocket Cupcakes

Harlech Cakes

Pith Helmet Fancies

— Also consider serving —

Cheeseboard with Camembert and White Stilton with Ginger

Platter of Exotic Fruit (Star Fruit, Dragon Fruit, etc.)

Ruby Port

Assam Tea

Crumpet Moons

Her Majesty’s Flying Rocket Squadron is very fond of Crumpets; there is a long history of its admiration being immortalized in art on the sides of airships and dirigibles. Sometimes, these pictures may take the form of an attractive young lady displaying the crumpet on a toasting fork while clad in a Martian regimental bathing suit. Likewise, they occasionally show an attractive young lady about to spread a crumpet with butter and jam before getting dressed in her Martian regimental overalls.

There have also been several tea duels over the identity of the models; although, the First Tea Lord has attempted to keep an eye on both these pictures and the primary sketches, threatening court martial for any he feels lack artistic integrity.

INGREDIENTS

300ml (1⁄2 pt.) milk

5g (1 level tsp.) dried yeast

5g (1 tsp.) caster sugar

1.25g (1⁄4 tsp.) salt

5g (1 tsp.) baking powder

225g (8 oz.) plain flour

1 egg, beaten

5g (1 tsp.) bicarbonate of soda (baking soda)

175ml (6 fl. oz.) luke warm water

SPECIAL SUPPLIES

Crumpet rings

*Makes 8 crumpets

Pantry Perfections

Crumpets are the ideal treat to cook on the boiler of a traveling steam vehicle. It may take a couple of attempts to establish the correct amount of heat and time for cooking, but there’s no better way to keep the driver cheery than to hand her a nicely browned and buttery snack. You can place the dough directly on the boiler, or you can place a layer of tinfoil down first if your surface is particularly oily or grimy.

TO MAKE THE CRUMPETS

  1. Heat the milk to body temperature. Add the yeast and sugar and stir. Leave the mixture in a warm place (such as an airing cupboard) for 20 minutes to activate the yeast. It will appear frothy when ready.
  2. In a large bowl, mix the salt and baking powder with the flour. Create a well in the center of the flour and stir in the yeasty milk followed by the beaten egg. Cover with a tea towel and leave to proof somewhere warm for 30–45 minutes.
  3. In a separate cup, mix the bicarbonate of soda with the water. Gently fold this mixture into the bowl of batter, being careful not to beat it. Leave to rest somewhere warm for 10 minutes.
  4. Preheat crumpet rings on a griddle over low heat, then spoon the batter into the rings to a depth of about 1⁄2" (1.3cm). Make sure you don’t fill the rings too full, as the batter will rise as it cooks. Likewise, filling the rings too full will keep the bubbles from forming properly.
          Cook for about 5 minutes until the batter is nearly set with plenty of bubbles on the surface. The crumpets should be light brown underneath and have pulled away from the sides of the rings.
  5. Remove the crumpets from the rings. Place crumpets back onto the griddle, the other way up, for a minute or two to finish cooking the top. Cool completely on a wire tray.
  6. To serve, toast both sides lightly and spread with butter.

Pantry Perfections

As well as being eaten with butter and jam, a crumpet also makes the most delicious savoury base for cheese on toast or a mini pizza. Toast the crumpet until warm, then spread the top section with a spoonful of a tomato sauce or chutney of your choice. Grate a liberal layer of your favorite cheese over the top and place under the grill until the cheese is bubbling.

Lunar Regimental Chutney

Transporting stores across the vast ether has always been a bit of a problem. Some things transport extremely well; take cigars and brandy, for example. Tomatoes, on the other hand, do not flourish on Mars, and despite the Horticultural Corps’ best attentions, species after species “went native,” sneaking off to grow with the red weed and becoming disreputable and inedible.

And so it turned out that the only way of preserving the deliciousness of the tomato was to make them into chutney, which could be distributed amongst the troops for use in sandwiches. Obviously, at the officers’ table, it is served daintily in atmospheric sealed chambers with a cheeseboard and port.

INGREDIENTS

20g (4 tsp.) whole seeds of pickling spice mix

1 onion

2 large cooking apples (approximately 450g or 1 lb.)

1 kg (21⁄4 lbs) tomatoes

350g (12 oz.) tomatillos (just use more tomatoes if you can’t find tomatillos)

100g (31⁄2 oz.) dates (stoned)

500g (18 oz.) dark brown sugar

2.5g (1⁄2 tsp.) chili flakes

2.5g (1⁄2 tsp.) salt

2.5g (1⁄2 tsp.) ground ginger

600ml (1 pt.) vinegar

100g (31⁄2 oz.) sultanas (or raisins)

SPECIAL SUPPLIES

Muslin and string

5 large jam jars with lids

Wax disks

*Makes 5 jars

Scullery Stories

Chutney is a word that originates in India, along with pyjama, gymkhana, thug, bangle and bazaar. In 1872, Colonel Yule and AC Burnell created “Hobson Jobson: A glossary of colloquial Anglo-Indian words and phrases.” Chutney is included in this useful and entertaining dictionary as “a kind of strong relish made of a number of condiments and fruits, etc.” The enormous variety of spiced Indian chutneys brought home to England took Victorian cuisine by storm. Favorite recipes and patented imports abounded, with each Indian province having its own specialty, wet, dry, hot, fragrant, sweet or sour.

TO MAKE THE CHUTNEY

  1. Tie up the pickling spice mix in a muslin bag, securing tightly with a bit of string.
  2. Chop the onion, apples, tomatoes, tomatillos and dates finely into approximately 1⁄4" (6mm) pieces.
  3. Place the sugar, muslin bag, chili flakes, salt, ground ginger and vinegar in a very large pan. Cook on low heat and stir with a wooden spoon until the sugar dissolves.
  4. Add the chopped vegetables and fruit, along with sultanas, to the pan and stir until it reaches a gentle simmer. Simmer on low heat for approximately 1 hour or until very thick. Stir occasionally at first, then more frequently as it thickens to prevent burning or any sticking on the bottom of the pan.
          When you think it is ready, give it a final stir. The chutney should not immediately run back into the path left by the spoon as you move it across the bottom of the pan. The thickness it is now is the thickness it will remain in the jar; it won’t “set” any more the way that jam does once placed in the jar.
  5. Pour into prepared sterilized jars and seal with wax disks immediately. Add an airtight lid when cool.

Housekeeper’s Perks

A jar of brinjal pickle makes a lovely substitute for chutney. To make this delicacy, you will need the following:

10g (2 tsp.) salt

1kg (21⁄4 lbs.) aubergines chopped into roughly 1" (2.5cm) pieces

700ml (11⁄4 pt.) oil

5g (1 tsp.) chili powder

10g (2 tsp.) cumin seeds

1.25g (1⁄4 tsp.) mustard seeds

5g (1 tsp.) fenugreek seeds

5g (1 tsp.) turmeric

3 cloves garlic finely chopped

10g (2 tsp.) peeled and finely chopped ginger

1⁄2 onion

200g (7 oz.) soft brown sugar

500ml (18 fl. oz.) vinegar

Sprinkle the salt over the aubergine and leave for 30 minutes. While heating oil in a pan, grind all the dry spices together using a pestle and mortar. Once finished, fry the spices along with the garlic and ginger for just 1 minute, stirring all the time.

Add the onion and aubergine and continue cooking for a couple of minutes until the onion is softened. Remove from the heat as you add the sugar and vinegar. Stir well and return to heat on a low simmer until the aubergine is soft and the mixture thick. Pot in sterilized jars.

Empire Rocket Cupcakes

The First Lunar Regiment marches on its stomach! Not literally, of course, that would be silly; but they are second only to The First Tea Company in their devotion to Duty and Cake. A cake that reminds them of the fragrant green world of Earth and its bounteous flower gardens is particularly welcome on this arid, alien world.

Officer Cadet Miss Alice can often be found slowly savoring the violet icing from a cupcake, daydreaming designs for better defences, while Officer Cadet Master Max Esquire checks the camp perimeter for Martian weed encroachments.

INGREDIENTS

For the Cupcakes

115g (4 oz.) butter

115g (4 oz.) caster sugar

115g (4 oz.) self-rising flour

2 large eggs

30ml (2 tbsp.) milk

5ml (1 tsp.) violette essence [or 5ml (1 tsp.) milk]

For the Icing

50g (11⁄4 oz.) unsalted butter

80g (23⁄4 oz.) icing sugar

15ml (1 tbsp.) crème de violette, violet syrup or cordial (or a few drops of flavored essence)

1–3 drops of purple food coloring

For the Icing Rockets

White fat or shortening

55g (2 oz.) royal icing mix (this is a special blend of icing sugar that sets very hard)

Approximately 30ml (2 tbsp.) water

Red and yellow food coloring

Iridescent gold powder

5ml (1 tsp.) clear alcohol such as gin or vodka

For Decoration

Edible gold stars, sprinkles, bullets. etc.

SPECIAL SUPPLIES

Decorative cupcake cases or paper liners

A4 drawing paper

Deli paper or grease-proof paper

Cling film (plastic wrap)

Piping bag with a large star nozzle and medium writing nozzle

*Makes 12 cupcakes

TO MAKE THE CUPCAKES

  1. Preheat the oven to gas mark 5 (375° F/190° C). Place 12 cupcake cases (paper liners) in a muffin or tart tin.
  2. In a large bowl, cream the butter and sugar together until pale in color, light and fluffy.
  3. Add the flour, eggs, milk and violette flavoring and mix thoroughly, being careful not to overmix.
  4. Place about 10ml (2 tsp.) of the mixture into each cupcake case, distributing the batter evenly among all the cases.
  5. Bake for 10–15 minutes until the cupcakes have risen and they spring back when pressed in the middle.

FOR THE ICING

  1. Beat the butter until light and fluffy.
  2. Add the sifted icing sugar and violet flavoring, slowly stirring at first to mix well. Then, add the coloring a drop at a time until you reach the desired shade of purple.
  3. Place the icing in a piping bag with a large star nozzle. Swirl rosettes on top of the cakes.

Pantry Perfections

Why not experiment with alternate colors and flavorings inspired by different planets? For example, you could make a delightful orange-tasting sponge for Saturn. Just substitute the crème de violette in the recipe for orange juice or cointreau and decorate with orange icing and, perhaps, a royal icing shape of Saturn, complete with rings. How about peppermint for Venus? Substitute peppermint cordial this time and color the icing a pretty green. Instead of an icing rocket, create a silvery moon, or a star or even an air kraken for decoration! A very sophisticated cupcake could be created for Pluto, using Kahlua or liquid coffee essence, with black colored butter icing and a white icing rocket with silver stars!

TO CREATE THE ICING ROCKETS

  1. Draw some rockets on a piece of A4 paper. Make heavy marks so you will be able to see through a piece of deli paper or grease-proof paper placed on top. Rub the deli paper or grease-proof paper with a thin layer of white fat (like Trex) so the icing won’t stick to the paper when it’s time to peel it away.
  2. Mix up a fairly stiff blend of royal icing, adding water just a drop at a time to the royal icing mix. Divide it in half and add red coloring to one half and yellow to the other. Place cling film over the containers (letting it touch the icing) so it doesn’t dry out.
  3. Put a few spoonfuls of the thick red icing in a piping bag with a medium writing nozzle. Pipe the outlines by tracing the images visible beneath the paper. Don’t forget details like portholes. Leave to set. Meanwhile, add enough water to the remaining red icing to make a runnier mix.
  4. When the outlines are dry, flood the main areas with the runnier icing. I usually use a grease-proof bag with the tip cut off for this (see YouTube video). Leave to dry overnight, then add any tiny rivet details with the thicker icing.
  5. Paint the yellow areas with gold powder mixed with a tiny bit of alcohol. Allow to dry, then gently peel away from the backing paper.
  6. Insert rockets into the cupcake icing. Add edible gold stars for extra flare!

Harlech Cakes

The rousing sound of the 45th Cavors male voice choir often lifts spirits among the First Lunar Regiment. Mainly known as a dirigible corp, sometimes during moments of low cloud cover, their singing has been mistaken for that of a heavenly choir. And, on that fateful afternoon when the shout rang out, “Martians, Sir, thousands of them!” the voices of the 45th rose as one, restoring hope to the officers and inspiring many acts of bravery.

This particular delicacy is a favorite amongst the men. Often baked by wives and sweethearts for eating while on maneuvers, its popularity has now spread to other regiments where it is humorously known after The Cavor’s favorite song.

INGREDIENTS

For the Marmalade

*It is not necessary to make your own marmalade. Feel free to use a ready-made jar of your favorite jam or marmalde if you prefer.

2.4L (4 pt.) water

900g (2 lb.) lemons

1.8kg (4 lb.) granulated sugar

For the Cakes

85g (3 oz.) butter or margarine

225g (8 oz.) plain flour

85g (3 oz.) caster sugar

A pinch of salt

85g (3 oz.) sultanas

30g (2 tbsp.) lemon marmalade

1 egg

15ml (1 tbsp.) milk

SPECIAL SUPPLIES

Muslin and string

6 medium jam jars with lids

3" (7.5cm) cutter

1" (2.5cm) cutter (for center holes)

*Makes 6 jars

TO MAKE LADY B’S MARMALADE

Note: If using a jar of ready-made marmalade, please skip ahead to Make the Cakes.

  1. Measure the water into a pan. Cut the lemons in half and squeeze out the juice in a bowl.
  2. In another bowl, scrape out any pips and pith and put them into a muslin bag secured with string. Add the juice to the water.
  3. Cut the peel into strips. I prefer thin strips, but you can use chunky strips if you like. Strip any pith you can off the peel and add it to the muslin bag. Don’t worry if some pith gets left behind; it will dissolve in the boiling process.
  4. Add the peel and the muslin bag to the water and juice mixture, tying the muslin bag to the handle of the pan so it stays in place. Bring up to boiling and simmer gently for about an hour until the peel is soft. Remove the muslin bag of pips and place it to the side in a bowl.
  5. Add the sugar and stir until all the crystals have disappeared. Increase the heat to high. Squeeze the cooled muslin bag over the pan. It should ooze its pectin out; if not, don’t worry, as it’s probably in the mix already.
  6. Stir everything together. Bring the mixture to a boil and allow the liquid to rapidly boil for approximately 15 minutes (occasional stirring is acceptable). Test for set using the instructions in the tip bar below. If your mixture has not reached the setting point, boil for another 5–10 minutes and test again.
  7. Once it’s reached the setting point, take the marmalade off the heat. Allow to settle for 20 minutes before putting into sterilized, warmed jars and sealing. Wait at least one full day before using the marmalade to make the harlech cakes.

Pantry Perfections

To test for set of jams and marmalades, use this handy trick:

TO MAKE THE CAKES

  1. Rub the butter into the flour until the mixture resembles fine bread crumbs. Add in sugar, salt, sultanas and marmalade and stir thoroughly.
  2. Add the egg and the milk to the mixture, making a very stiff dough.
  3. Pat out or roll the dough on a lightly floured board to about 1⁄2" (1.3cm) thickness. Cut out rounds with a 3" (7.5cm)cutter. To make rings, use a 1" (2.5cm) cutter to remove the centers.
          After removing rings, either re-roll offcuts to make more cakes, or bake the little circles to serve as tiny petit fours.
  4. Cook the rings on a griddle over low heat for 1–2 minutes or until golden brown on one side. Flip over with a palette knife. They aren’t ruined if they catch a little, but do keep an eye on them. They should be a little soft in the center, but not completely raw. Adjust your griddle temperature as necessary.
  5. While these are delicious cold, they are definitely best eaten after cooling on a wire rack for only a couple of minutes, while still warm and gooey in the middle.

Pith Helmet Fancies

Upon the rocky outpost overlooking the plains, one figure is silhouetted against the sky; cup in hand, the hero of the battle of Amazonis Platinia keeps watch. In the arid heat of Mars, the soldier’s brass-lined pith helmet is the only thing that can stand between him and the controlling thought waves of the original inhabitants. It was Lieutenant Colonel Lawless Latham who first discovered the creatures’ antipathy of lemons.

Supplies were instantly shipped in from the Amalfi Groves, and disrupter rays were re-fitted to mist a fine spray of lemon juice, which kept the blighters at bay. However, the entire camp was soaked and the taste of lemon pervaded everything, even the Colonel’s favorite ginger cakes!

INGREDIENTS

For the Cupcakes

100ml (31⁄2 fl. oz.) boiling water

15g (1 tbsp.) loose leaf Earl Grey tea

85g (3 oz.) butter

115g (4 oz.) sugar

115g (4 oz.) self-rising flour

2 eggs

Heaped dessert spoon of finely chopped crystallized ginger

For the Icing

50g (13⁄4 oz.) unsalted butter

80g (23⁄4 oz.) icing sugar

5g (1 tsp.) finely grated lemon zest

5ml (1 tsp.) lemon juice [or 2.5ml (1⁄2 tsp.) lemon essence]

To Finish

Small pack of white or cream ready-to-roll icing or rolled fondant

Sugar flower petal paste

*Makes 12 cupcakes

Pantry Perfections

Lemon and ginger is a classic combination, but oranges or limes also work in this recipe. Simply substitute the lemon zest and juice in the butter icing for either orange or lime zest and juice.

TO MAKE THE CUPCAKES

  1. Preheat the oven to gas mark 5 (375° F/190° C). Place 12 cupcake cases in a muffin or tart tin.
  2. Pour the boiling water over the tea in a mug or cup and let steep for 5 minutes.
  3. In a large bowl, cream the butter and the sugar together until pale in color, light and fluffy. I use a wooden spoon, but an electric mixer is fine, too.
  4. Add the flour, the egg and the strained tea, mixing slowly but thoroughly. Stir in the chopped crystallized ginger until it is evenly distributed throughout the mixture.
  5. Place about 10ml (2 tsp.) of mixture into each cupcake case. Bake for 10–15 minutes until the cupcakes have risen and spring back when pressed in the middle.

FOR THE ICING

  1. Beat the butter until light and fluffy with a wooden spoon or an electric mixer.
  2. Add the sifted icing sugar, lemon zest and juice. Mix by hand at first to prevent icing sugar from spraying everywhere!

TO ADD THE FONDANT

  1. Remove the paper cases and slice the tops off the cupcakes so they lay flat.
  2. Turn the cupcakes upside down and slice a little off each side to create oval shapes.
  3. Add a spoonful of butter icing to each top, smoothing it into the classic pith helmet domed shape. Scrape a little icing over the cake, too, as this will seal in the moistness and provide a good grip for the fondant. When you have a good shape, put them somewhere cool to set firm for a couple of hours.

  4. Color the ready-to-roll icing with a little yellow and black to get a good sandy color for the pith helmets. Add tiny bits of color to the fondant using a cocktail stick. Knead in thoroughly before adding additional color.
  5. Roll out the icing to about 1⁄16" (2mm) thickness and cut circles large enough to cover the cakes. Be sure to leave a little extra for the hat brim.
  6. Gently lift and place the icing on the cupcake, smoothing over with your hand until it forms a good cover. Trim round the edges, leaving a brim of about 1⁄2" (1.3cm).
  7. Add details modeled from a mixture of equal amounts of ready-to-roll icing and sugar flower paste blended together.

Housekeeper’s Perks

For a quicker teatime treat, you can also make simple cupcakes. Make the cake mix and bake as directed. Leave the cakes in their cases and decorate with a swirl of the lemon butter icing and a scattering of crystallized ginger. Fine grating of lemon zest or a little white chocolate molded cog would also look lovely.

Pantry Perfections

Modeling tools can be created from all sorts of handy kitchen implements. I use a cocktail stick to impress lines in icing and also to texture with small dots. A flat, unserrated blade is best for cutting strips of icing, while button shapes can be formed by breaking off tiny pieces of icing and rolling them gently between the fingers. If you find the icing is sticking as you roll it out, try rubbing a tiny bit of white vegetable fat or shortening on your work surface, fingers or tools. Use a tiny paintbrush dipped in water to glue icing decorations to the main covering.