I pace inside my condo, my heart so heavy and empty, I have no idea what to do with myself. My throat hurts from fighting off an ugly cry as I open my curtains and glance out at Cole’s car still in front of my place. I needed a fast getaway, so when he told me to take it, I didn’t hesitate.
I never meant to hurt Cole or Tabby. When I went to his father’s house and brought him over to Cole’s for dinner, my intentions had been the exact opposite. His father never let on anything was wrong between them all, and in his head, I don’t think he can understand why Cole and Tabby have nothing to do with him. But Cole was right. I did overstep boundaries. I thought we had more between us, but the reminder that we were simply fuck buddies was a good one.
When it comes right down to it, I guess I never knew Cole at all.
I stare at the phone in my hand, wanting to call Jess, but I can’t. Those things Cole said to me were private, and even though he probably hates me for what I did, I’d never want to betray him by sharing his deepest, darkest secrets, ones that obviously still haunt him.
Tears prick my eyes and I press my palms to my face, but there’s nothing I can do to dispel the image of him standing like a cornered animal, his body tense, in fight-or-flight mode. Water pours from my eyes. Damn. Damn. Damn.
My phone pings, and I nearly drop it as I fumble to check to see if it’s Cole. Disappointment settles heavy in my chest as I read the text from Jess, wanting to know how dinner went.
I toss my phone onto my sofa and head to the kitchen. I grab a tub of ice cream from the freezer, a spoon from the drawer, and plunk back down on my sofa, my unpacked bag still sitting near my door. My phone continues to buzz, and I continue to ignore it as I flick the TV on to watch a rerun of Friends.
As Joey cracks a joke, my doorbell chimes. Great. I should have answered Jess. Now she’s at my door, and I’m a hot mess. I don’t want to explain this to her. I don’t want to explain it to anyone. I just want to eat ice cream and curl into a ball.
I might be hurting right now, but my heart hurts more for Cole, for the years of abuse he endured and hid from the world—still does. I wasn’t sure what his sister meant when she’d said, if it wasn’t for your family. But I do now. Our house was his escape, the one place he felt safe, and I brought all his painful memories back tonight.
Christ, I could be the poster girl for fucked-up good intentions.
When the chiming continues—apparently, Jess isn’t planning on leaving anytime soon—I jab my spoon into my ice cream and wipe my hand across my tear-stained cheek.
I unlock my door, pull it open, and I’m about to ask her for a rain check on a gab session—when I find a very solemn Cole standing there, looking so lost and alone, my already broken heart shatters a little more.
“I…” I try to talk, to find my words, but they stick in my ever-tightening throat.
“Hey,” he says, looking like he’d just been through the rinse cycle then hung out to dry.
My lungs constrict, and I can barely breathe. I work to pull myself together and say, “Cole, I…I…didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
“I know. I’m sorry, too.” He shrugs like he’s making light of getting hurt, but there is so much pain in his eyes. “I’m an expert asshole, remember?”
I’m about to tell him he’s the nicest, kindest guy I know, and that I’m so freaking sorry, when he holds a hand out.
“Come with me.”
“Where?”
He gives me a small smile, but it’s tight, like every muscle in his body. He’s so damaged it’s a wonder he can actually function in society. “It’s a surprise.”
“I don’t—”
“Like surprises, I know.”
I stand there for a second longer, take in the deep sadness on his face. It guts me, and all I want to do is pull him to me, hug him, tell him how sorry I am, that everything will be okay. But I don’t think he wants that from me, and I’m not so sure he’ll ever be okay. He exposed a side of himself he never wanted me, or anyone, to see, and that couldn’t have been easy for him.
He glances over his shoulder and rakes a hand though his hair. “I understand if you don’t want—”
“I do,” I say quickly. He’d lashed out at me in anger, because he was hurt, and he’s here trying to apologize. I get that. “Where are we going?”
His shoulders relax slightly. “Can you just trust me on this?”
I nod, and he reaches out and brushes his thumb over my damp cheek. His mouth turns down, and he swallows. “Grab a sweater, and wear your sneakers.”
I note that he’s in jeans, sneakers and a hoodie, so I run to my room and dress the same. Night will soon be here, and despite the heat wave, our nights are still cool.
He guides me to his other vehicle, a Jeep, and we mainly sit in silence as he drives out of town. I glance around, but have no idea what he’s up to or where he’s taking me.
My eyes widen and my heart speeds up when he takes the exit to Auburn Municipal Airport.
“What’s going on?” I ask, my gaze going from his smirking face to all the hangars as we pass.
“What part of ‘surprise’ don’t you understand?”
“Are we going on a plane?”
“Not a plane.”
“Then what are we doing at the airport?”
“You’ll see.”
He parks, grabs a backpack from the back, and captures my hand. When I hesitate, he gives a little tug to set me in motion, and I follow him. A few minutes later we’re standing behind the counter of Helicopter Rentals and Charters.
“No way,” I say, then worry trickles through me. “Wait, you’re not going to make me jump out of a plane, are you?”
He laughs. “No.”
“Ah, push me out?”
“Jesus, Nina. Of course not.”
“Whew,” I say. “I know you’re mad at me—”
“Mad at myself.”
I go quiet at that, and he turns back to the man at the counter. “I called earlier.”
I stand back as they exchange information, and as Cole drops a credit card on the counter, I walk to the window to see the helicopter and pilot outside.
“All set,” Cole says, coming up behind me.
His hands slide around my body, hook over my stomach, and he puts his mouth close to my ear. His breath is warm against my skin as we just stand there, no talking, just being together like this.
I close my hands over his, and we stand there a moment longer, holding on to one another like it might be the last time we do. An uneasy feeling moves through me, giving me the sense that this is it between us.
But I don’t want this to be the end of us. I made a mistake, though had I known, had Cole opened up to me, told me the truth, it never would have happened. But he doesn’t really open up. I’ve only caught glimpses of the real Cole when his guard was down, and he tries very hard to never let that happen, and never in public.
“It’s getting late, we’d better hurry,” he finally says, breaking the moment.
“Is there is someplace we have to be?” I ask, assuming we’re just going on a tour.
“Yeah.”
His hand closes around mine—big, warm and strong—and I glance up at him, take in the tightness of his jaw. I follow him out, meet the pilot, Greg, and climb into the seat behind him. Cole sits next to me and, after we buckle up, we’re equipped with headphones and a mouthpiece so we can all speak to each other. Cole’s hand captures mine again, and he gives a little squeeze.
“Nervous?”
“I’ve never been on a helicopter before.”
“Me neither, actually.”
I nod. Too bad, considering he’d always wanted to be a helicopter pilot, but I keep that to myself. I’m sure it was hard for him to dredge up old, painful memories. No need to remind him of it again.
The chopper takes to the air and Cole pulls a blanket, bottle of wine and two glasses from his pack. He wraps us up, and pours us each a glass. I glance out the window as we sip, and a bubble of excitement wells up inside me when Mt. Rainier comes into view.
Cole leans into me. “It’s not ideal, but I know you can’t hike it anymore, so I thought this was the next best thing.”
On the horizon, streaks of blue and purple bruise the sky as the sun begins to set, and my heart swells. I can’t believe Cole set this up. Tears prick my eyes, and I try to turn my head so he doesn’t see them.
“Hey,” he whispers, and touches my chin. He turns me to face him and brushes the tears away. “I thought you’d like this.”
“I love it.”
His brow furrows as his gaze roams my face. “Then why the tears?”
“I can’t believe you remember me telling you this.”
“I remember everything.” He puts his arm around me, and I settle against him as the helicopter hovers over the mountain, letting us soak in the sunset. “I wanted to land right there and have my way with you” Cole says teasingly. “But we can’t. This bird has to be back before it’s pitch black.”
“When you drive me home, maybe you can have your way with me then,” I say, so touched by this gesture, I’m a little raw inside.
His grin widens. “Yeah?”
I take a sip of my wine and pretend I’m mulling it over, but there is nothing in the world I want more than Cole in my bed tonight.
We spend the next fifteen minutes watching the sunset, and it takes me back to my childhood when I hiked the mountain with my brother and the guy I hated—but secretly crushed on. But that crush has grown into so much more, and deep in my gut, I fear that our time together has come to an end, even though we decided to continue this affair until the playoffs were over.
Cole holds me tighter as the helicopter takes us back to the airport, and we’re both a little quiet as we make our way to his car.
“How is Tabby?” I ask as he drives me back to my place.
“She’s okay. She came back to the house after you left. We had a long talk.”
“Did Jack propose yet?”
“Not yet, I guess he’s waiting for the right moment. You know, sort of the same way you do it in your books.”
I grin. “I don’t think Tabby tortures him the way I tortured my heroes, though. Thank God.”
Cole laughs. “Do you like him? Do you think they’ll be good together?”
“I do.”
“You once said no man is that good. You know, like in your books.”
“I know,” I say, my heart heavy for all the things I want with Cole. “Maybe I was wrong about that.”
“Yeah?”
He takes a turn and we exit the highway. I lean into him, missing his touch. Five minutes later, he pulls up in front of my place and without so much as a word, we both slide from the vehicle and meet on the walkway. I fish my key from my purse and he puts his hand on the small of my back as he leads me inside. The door clicks shut behind us and a shiver skips down my spine when he sets the lock.
He turns me, presses me against the door and his mouth finds mine. His kisses are warm, hard, like he’s been dying to taste me all night, and a thrill races through me. I kiss him back with all the love inside me, and once again, tears prick my eyes.
“I need to be inside you,” he says, and picks me up. “Where is your bedroom?”
“Second door on the right,” I say, and wrap my arms around his shoulders as he moves down my hall.
Once inside my room, he gives a quick glance around and sets me on the end of the bed. He goes down on his knees and I widen my legs so he can crawl in between them. I rake my hands through his hair, and he presses kisses to my eyes, cheeks, and lips. He tastes like sweet wine as he slides his tongue into my mouth for a deeper exploration.
I tug at his shirt and he goes still for a second. “I want to see you,” I say.
He hesitates, like he’s unsure. Now that I know what the scars are from, does he think I’m going to look at him differently?
How can I not?
“Naked, now,” I demand playfully, not wanting him to get caught up in the tension.
He goes back on his heels, grips his shirt and tugs it off. I touch his body, then cup his face and bring his mouth back to mine. He grips the hem of my sweater and I break the kiss and lift my arms so he can remove it.
He tosses it away, and my bra follows. “You are so gorgeous,” he says as he gently, lightly strokes the underside of my breasts. His poignant touch goes right through me, curls around my heart and holds tight.
I bring his mouth to mine. “Mmm,” I whisper as we kiss, and the sound seems to do something to him. He nudges me until I fall back onto the bed. His smile is slow as his gaze moves over my body.
He unbuttons his pants, but before he kicks them off, he pulls out a condom. “We probably shouldn’t take any more chances,” he says, a reminder that he doesn’t want a family.
Striving to push down all the things I feel for him, I watch as he tosses the condom onto the bed beside me and kicks off his pants. I stare at his gorgeous, battered body as he reaches for the button on my jean. The hiss of my zippers fills the quiet of the room as he releases it, and I lift my hips to make the removal of my pants a little easier for him.
Once we’re both naked, I slip under the sheets and position myself in the middle. He climbs over me, kisses a path down my body, then centers his mouth between my legs to prepare me for him. But honest to God, while this might have started as hate fucking, nothing and no one could have prepared me for Cole.
I move against his tongue then he sheathes himself, and slides into me. I hug him to me as he powers home, taking us both to the precipice, where we struggle to hang on.
I don’t care what anyone says…what we’re doing is lovemaking, and one way or another, Cole needs to understand that. He says he doesn’t want a wife, or a family, but everything in the way he touches me, cares for me, tells an entirely different story.
Tomorrow, when we wake up, I’m going to lay it all on the line, tell him how I feel.
I might be setting myself up for heartache, but how can I just walk away from this, from him?