I glance at my phone, my messages to Cole having gone unanswered for three days.
Three freaking days!
When we flew over Mt. Rainier, I had a horrible feeling it was the last for us, but then he came to my bed and made love to me, which led me to believe we were going to continue this affair until the end of playoffs. But then he snuck out under the cover of darkness. He left without so much as a note, a goodbye, or even a, ‘it’s been fun hate-fucking you but now we’re done.’
“You okay?” Jess asks from my sofa. She’s barely left my side for days, and while I love her for it, I need space to figure this out, figure out where I go from here. I’ve learned so much about Cole, so much about my brother Cason…and myself. It’s hard to take it all in, make sense out of things.
“Yeah,” I say, and look at my phone when it pings. My heart leaps.
Jess jumps from her seat. “Is it Cole?” she asks, a scowl on her face. It’s pretty much taken everything in me to stop her from hunting him down and removing one of his testicles. But I had to remind her that I knew what I was getting into when I seduced him that night.
But did I really know? Did I know I’d fall head over heels in love with him? Maybe there was a small part of me that did, considering I’ve loved him since I was a young girl.
“It’s Cason.” She relaxes a bit, and I text him back. “He wants to see me,” I say, and I’m thrilled that he’s reaching out to me.
“Want me to drive you?”
“Yeah, okay,” I say. Cole’s car is still out front but I don’t want to drive it. Then again, maybe I should drop it off at his place, let him know I got the message loud and clear. We. Are. Done.
I grab my purse from the counter and follow Jess out the door. Twenty minutes later, she drops me off at Mom and Dad’s place and tells me to text her when I’m ready to go home.
Home.
God, I suddenly hate that word.
I head up the driveway to my childhood home, and my throat tightens a little for all the things I want, but never thought I could have. A home, a family…Cole.
Cason opens the door before I get there, and my mind travels back to Cole again, and the way he used to wait for me. I love that feeling. Love someone looking forward to seeing me. Being with me.
“Cason,” I say when I see him. I take in his messed-up hair, longer now than when he went on the road. He’s dressed in a pair of jean and a long-sleeve T-shirt. Always causal, always laid back, but I know him well enough to know he’s deeper than that. Growing up without Mom and Dad present in our lives had been as hard on him as it had been on me.
“Get over here,” he says, and wraps his arms around me. I breathe in his familiar smell of soap and fabric softener.
I hug him—hard, tight, never wanting to let go. “I’m so proud of you, Cason. I’ve been watching your games.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me?”
“Nope.”
“Little Neaner Neaner, who hates hockey, suddenly has an interest in it. What’s up with that?”
“Maybe hockey isn’t so stupid. And you know I hate when you call me that,” I say against his shoulder as his warmth curls around me, cocoons me.
“Hey, come on. It’s a term of endearment. Only special girls get special names.”
Pretty BallerNina.
Emotions well up inside me and unable to stop them, tears fall, and when I give a big hiccupping sound, Cason stiffens.
I don’t cry around my brother. I never have. But I’m so raw inside, so cut up and confused and hurt, there is nothing I can do to keep the tears from spilling. God, I hate myself right now. Hate that I let myself get in deep with Cole.
Cason gently pulls me into the house and shuts the door. It softly clicks in place behind me. The house is quiet this time of day, with Mom and Dad both at work. Cason holds my shoulders and inches back. His blue eyes take me in and there’s real concern on his face.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“I…I missed you,” I say, and while that’s true, I missed him like crazy, there is more going on inside of me.
“Hey, I’m here now.” He glances past my shoulder, uncomfortable with my display of affection and not knowing how to handle it. “Want to grab a bite to eat?”
I note the way he’s changing the subject, unable to deal with my emotions. Then again, maybe that’s just his way, and maybe that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.
I nod, and he grabs a tissue to wipe my face. “I’ll make something here,” I say.
“No, we’ll go out.” He makes a fist and nudges my chin, and it brings a smile to my face. “The least I can do is treat my sister to a meal, right?”
I nod and I sniff back the tears and wipe my cheeks as we step outside. We climb into his car and a few minutes later, he pulls up in front of one of my favorite restaurants. Not that I eat here often. I can’t afford it.
The hostess seats us, places our menus on the table and, as she tells us the specials, I look at my tough-as-nails brother, take in his scars, ones that were made on the ice, not from a skipping rope.
My stomach tightens, the noise inside the cafe fading to a dull roar as I think of the pain Cole endured. I wish I hadn’t been so mean to him back in the day. Then again, he did tease me all the time. But still, I’m so glad our house was a sanctuary for him.
The hostess leaves and Cason stretches. “It’s good to be home.”
“Did you beat up guys who looked at me?” I ask, and his head rears back with the question.
“Ah, what?”
“Did you beat up guys who looked at me?” I pick up my napkin and wrap it around my fingers.
He glances around, like he’s being punked or something. “Where is this coming from, Nina?”
“I just want to know.” The waitress comes with our water, and we both glance over the menus quickly. We put in our order and when she leaves, I ask, “Did you?”
His nostrils flare and his fingers curl. “You’re my little sister, of course I did.”
People show love in different ways.
As Cole’s words ping around inside my brain, a laugh wells up inside me. Inappropriate considering the circumstances? For sure.
“You know, all these years I never thought guys liked me, only to find out you were scaring them off.”
His jaw clenches. “How did you find out?”
Damn, he’s really pissed that I know he was protecting me from the shadows. Cole protected me, too. He was the one I called when Kenny drove me to the middle of nowhere and demanded I put out. He’s the one who wanted to go after the bartender who abused me and made me feel like a whore.
I shake my head. “Doesn’t matter.” I reach across the table and put my hand over his. “How come you didn’t tell me the trust fund was from you?”
Angry fire lights his eyes. “Jesus, Nina, who have you been talking to?”
“I always thought Mom and Dad set it up after my concussion. They never alluded to the fact that it was you. How come you never told me?”
“Doesn’t matter,” he says, throwing my words back at me. “But it’s yours, and I want you to use it for anything you need.”
Okay, I’ll give him that. He has his own reasons, and he’s not about to share. “You’ve always been watching out for me, haven’t you?”
“Where is this all coming from?” he asks, instead of answering my question, and in that instant, I realize my brother and I have very different ways of showing love.
“I miss you so much, Cason. When you’re away…I just really miss being close. You’re my family. I think that’s why I hate hockey so much.” Cole was right about that. In fact, he seemed to know a lot about me, more than I ever realized.
I hear his throat work as he swallows. “Nina, I miss you too. I hate being on the road all the time, but it’s my job. I wish you could come. Wish we could hang out more.”
“Really? You mean that?” My mind races with all the hockey stories I could tell if I actually went on the road and shadowed Cason. I mean, what’s really keeping me here in Seattle? I love Jess, but we’d never lose touch, and I’d be home at the end of every season.
Then again, seeing Cole on a daily basis just might kill me.
“Of course I do.”
My throat tightens. I had no idea how much Cason really cared about me. He’s just unable to display affection the way I’d like to receive it—Mom and Dad couldn’t either, but I knew deep down they cared.
“One more question. When we were kids, did you like me tagging along on your hikes, your concerts, and everything else?”
He goes quiet for a long time, his brow furrowed like he’s fighting an internal battle. “Yeah, Nina. I did. I’m your brother, and growing up, we only had each other, right? Still do.”
So Cole was right about everything.
“You have Cole, and he has you.” I nod, and tears burn behind my eyes. “I want us to be closer, like he is with his sister.”
He slowly eases back into his seat. “What does Cole have to do with all this?”
“He’s been helping me. My editor asked me to write a hockey series, and since he was home with a concussion, he’s been giving me lessons.” I decided not to tell him about the sex lessons. There are some things a brother never needs to know.
The muscle along his jaw ripples. “He never mentioned it.”
“Oh, I thought he texted you about it.”
“No,” he says, looking like he’s about to hunt Cole down and kill him. Surely, he wouldn’t punch his best friend?
You’re worth the fight.
“Is there something you want to tell me, Nina?”
“No. Well, maybe just that I can take care of myself, you don’t need to go around intimidating people. I’m a grown woman, in case you didn’t know.”
“Doesn’t matter. Any guy who wants to date you has to go through me first.”
“Cason…” I begin, but then Cole’s words once again ping around inside my brain.
People show love in different ways.
I blink once, twice, as understanding dawns in small increments. I gasp and stiffen in my seat. Oh. My. God. Tabby asked me if I really knew Cole, and at the time, my answer was no. But is that true? When Cole wasn’t in The Playmaker mode, I saw many sides to him—kindness, compassion, a man who paid his father’s medical bills even after all the abuse. He didn’t want me to see that side of him. Didn’t want anyone to.
Why?
He’s not who the world thinks he is.
My mind races, sorts things through as I go over everything, from our very first trip to the grocery store to the last night we’d made love. Did he leave because he doesn’t think I’d like the guy kept hidden by The Playmaker?
“Oh, my God,” I whisper under my breath, thinking about all the things Cole has done for me, the way he’s been showing me he cares.
“What?” Cason asks.
I glance at my brother. Cole is far more damaged than I ever realized. I never asked for more, told him I didn’t believe in happily ever after, and that no man was as good as the ones I wrote in my books. But he needs to understand that I know who he really is deep inside, and it’s that sweet, kind boy beneath the mask that I lost my heart to…many years ago.
“I need you to do something for me.”