What the hell is Nina doing here?
It’s the first game of the playoffs, and she’s the last person I expected to be watching, especially after the way I walked out on her, refused to return her texts. Then again, maybe she’s glad it’s over, that she doesn’t have to hang out with the likes of me any longer.
As the announcer speaks, and we all hit the ice, Cason flies past me on his skates. My thoughts shift to my best friend, who’s been acting weird around me all day. He can’t know about Nina and me, and maybe her being here is about Cason. Nina and her best friend are seated behind our bench, so he must have secured those spots for them. Still, he’s not usually so quiet around me. He had lunch with Nina yesterday. Maybe they had an argument or something.
And maybe I need to stop thinking the whole damn world revolves around me.
Either way, it’s my first day back in the game, and I need to keep my focus. From the corner of my eye, I catch sight of Burns. The fucker is eyeing me and grinning, like he’s going to take me out again. Fuck that. Jonah, the team’s enforcer, is going to be all over his ass tonight.
The ref blows his whistle and I skate to center ice for the face off. My stomach is coiled tight, my nerves on fire, read to play, ready to defeat. I position up, face my opponent and wait for the whistle.
A second later, the puck is poised on the end of my stick, and as I take it down center ice and pass if off to Sundin, I can’t help but glance into the crowd. Is Nina taking notes? Watching Sundin, The Wingman, do his thing. I follow him down the ice but feel Burns on my heels. I skate around the net and he comes at me. I shift, and he hits the boards, and coming from behind me, Jonah hits him hard.
Burns goes down.
“Stay down, fucker,” I say, and skate off and pat Jonah on the back. I love my fucking team. Unable to help myself, I glance at Nina again, take in her big eyes. She gives me two thumbs-up, and I laugh as my heart crashes against my chest. I wish I could talk to her, tease her about wanting to take Burns out in an alleyway.
What the fuck am I doing?
It’s over between us, and I need to get my head in the game. Hockey is the most important thing in the world to me. It’s my life.
With that thought in mind, I strive to keep my focus. The game continues, and the next thing I know, we’re in the third period and the fucking clock is ticking down.
I glance at Cason, and he nods. We need this win. I need this win, to show my team I’m back in top shape and can get the job done.
Conscious of how little time we have left, I keep my eye on the Illinois Icemen’s captain as he heads toward our zone. He makes a pass, I intercept, throw off his play, and then change direction. The hometown crowd goes wild, and all I can think of is Nina, and if she’s enjoying the game. I pass to Cason, who passes to Sundin, and we all race down the ice until I’m in the house. I eye the goalie, read him, and take up position. Sundin passes to me, I pass back. The odd-man rush throws the goalie out of position and Sundin takes the shot and scores.
As the end-of-the-game horn sounds, I race to my teammate and give him a big hug, and all our teammates join in. As I hug Cason, I steal a glance at Nina, to see her jumping up and down.
When I look back at Cason, he has murder in his eyes.
What the fuck?
I push away, skate around the rink, in total Playmaker mode. Girls are shouting, holding signs up that say they want to have my baby, but the truth is, I’m played out, so fucking tired of the act. I’m completely and utterly exhausted by it, but it’s the only thing that gets me through the day, until I can go home to the sanctuary of my own place.
A string of bunnies are waiting for us as we file off the ice. Once girl pushes against me, and in an instinctive move that I’ve done a hundred times, I wrap my arm around her. She whispers in my ear, telling me all the ways she wants to play with The Playmaker, and I laugh.
I angle my head—and when I see Nina a few feet away, watching the exchange, a world of hurt on her face, my heart falls into my stomach. Over her shoulder, I see Jess, who looks like she wants to castrate me.
How many times am I going to gut her before she realizes she’s better off without me?
The bunny gives me a wet kiss on the mouth and says, “Don’t keep me waiting.”
Inside the locker room, the guys are laughing and fucking around. Cason is ignoring me, and I want to ask what’s going on when he walks past me.
“Hey, meet you at Shades later,” I shout to him. Shades is our usual drinking spot after a game.
“Yeah,” he says, and keeps going, like he has a shit ton on his mind. What the fuck? We should be celebrating our win.
“Cason,” I call after him, and he glances at me over his shoulder. “You okay?”
He stares at his bare feet, then frowns as he returns my gaze. “Yeah, see you at Shades.”
I grab my gear from my locker and make my way to the showers behind him. They guys are all carrying on, and lots of pats on the back are given out.
“Hey, Cannon,” says our goalie, Matthews. “You hooking up with Claire tonight?”
“Looks that way,” I say, and from the corner of my eye, I catch the way Cason stiffens.
He can’t fucking know about Nina and me, right? Surely to fuck Nina never would have told her brother about our arrangement. She has to know he’d kick my ass, and I’d have to stand there and take it, because I crossed a line. Cason is my best friend in the whole world, my savior. I’d be lost without him, and I never should have jeopardized our friendship.
But fuck, this is Nina we’re talking about. I get that she’s hands off, but I’ve fucking loved her since I was a kid.
Christ, this situation is so fucked up.
Cason leaves the shower first, and by the time I make it back to the locker room, he’s long gone. I dress, stuff my gear into my bag, and make my way to the hall. Claire and a dozen or so other girls, all looking for hook ups, are there waiting. She rushes up to me, throws her body against mine.
Any other time, I would have enjoyed the warm body pressed to me, but tonight, well, I just want to go home…to Nina.
Fuck, man, maybe I should take Claire up on her offer, fuck her all night in some stupid effort to expel Nina from my brain. But forgetting her, the fun we had, isn’t about to happen now, or anytime soon.
“Hey, rain check,” I say to Claire, even though I have no intention of ever cashing it in. She pouts and is about to say something, when Harding comes out the door behind me. She looks past my shoulder and the next thing I know, she’s in my teammate’s arms.
I shake my head and walk out of the stadium. The cool night air falls over me, and I glance around looking for Cason, for Nina.
Cut it out, dude. She’s better off without you.
I find my Jeep, toss my hockey bag into the back, and peel out of the parking lot. I think about going home, but the place feels empty. Tabby and Jack were long gone and Cason only stayed two nights. As I think about my sister, a smile touches my mouth. I’m thrilled that things worked out between her and Jack, and she came clean about our childhood. He accepted all sides of Tabby, and for that, I’m grateful.
Would Nina accept all sides of me?
Shit, I can’t think about that. I’m a fucked-up mess, and she deserves better.
I round the corner and as I head toward home, my mind revisits the way Jack went down on one knee to propose. He did it in front of me, Tabby’s only family—at least the only one who cares—and I’m grateful that I got to be a part of the moment. He put it all out there on the line, wore his heart on his sleeves, and that really showed both Tabby and me just how much he loves her.
I drive by my house and the lights are all off. Fuck, man, I don’t want to go in there alone, everything reminding me of Nina. Christ, I broke all the rules with her. I let her into my house, my head, and my heart.
I spin the Jeep around and head toward Shades. Not only do I need a drink, I need to figure out what’s going on with Cason. I can’t lose him from my life.
I squeeze my car between two trucks and power it down. Music filters into the street as I make my way inside. The place is packed, bodies swaying together on the dance floor, and I search the crowd for my best friend. I cut around the dance floor but get stopped by a few girls looking to play with The Playmaker. I politely decline, my only focus on finding my best friend.
I catch a glimpse of him at the bar, and plunk down on the stool next to him. “Great game.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Told you I’d meet you for a drink.”
He checks his watch. “You done with Claire already?”
I exhale and brush my hair back. “Yeah, well, that didn’t work out.”
He eyes me, and I nudge him with my shoulder. “What the fuck is going on with you, anyway?”
He goes stiff, his gaze going from curious to murderous, and my heart nearly seizes.
“I think I should be the one asking you that question.”
“Nothing’s going on with me.”
“Why you fucking lying to me?”
Jesus fuck, he knows. He has to know.
As the room grows hot, I straighten on my stool. “I’m…you’re my best friend, Cason. I’d never want to do anything to hurt you.”
“Why did Nina ask me to give you this?” He reaches into his pocket. “I’ve been thinking about it all day. Trying to figure it out.”
I tug at the collar on my T-shirt. “Give me what?”
He pulls something from his pocket, slams it on the counter—and my seized heart nearly jumps out of my goddamn chest.
“What’s this all about?” Cason asks.
I pick up the little toy helicopter, my big fingers shaking as I fumble with the plastic model. I examine it, think back to the day dear old Dad destroyed my toy, my childhood…my dreams. I grab the small crushed envelope taped to it, open it up and see she also bought me flying lessons.
I suck in a fast breath and hold it. Never in a million years could Nina know what this means to me. My throat tightens to the point of pain, and I nearly fucking sob.
Jesus, fuck.
I shift on my seat, almost fall the fuck off as the world around me spins. But why would she do this? She has no money to pay her bills, and yet she went and did this for me? Ever since I hit it big in the NHL, women have wanted something from me, and while Nina came to me wanting lessons, the truth is, she gave me more than she ever took.
I turn the toy over in my hand, and then squeeze it in my fist as my pulse jackhammers. Tears pound against the back of my eyes, drum in my ears, and my throat feels like someone had just taken a cheese grater to it.
“Something you want to tell me, Cole?”
“I…” I try to speak, get the words out, but what am I supposed to say? This is my best friend, and I went behind his back and slept with his sister. What kind of a guy does that? Not a very good one. Which again, reminds me Nina deserves so much better than the likes of me
“What?” Cason asks, his voice hard, demanding.
“I love her, Cason,” I say fast, breathless.
What the hell am I doing?
I have no idea, but now that the truth is out, I can’t help but say it again. “I fucking love her.”
He goes quiet, too quiet, and I sit there, uncomfortable as he glares at me.
“She came to me asking for hockey lessons, and, well…”
“Well what?” he asks through clenched teeth.
“Things happened. We happened.”
He takes a long pull from his beer bottle and when it hits the counter with a thud, my heart jumps.
“So there are a million bunnies after your dick and you go and sleep with my sister.”
“Yeah.” I tense, every muscle in my body tight as I admit, “But she’s the only girl I’ve ever loved, and I don’t fucking want to be with anyone but her.”
He glares at me for a long time, and then his hard features soften. “I know.”
My head rears back. “You do?”
“Yeah. I do.”
“How long have you known?”
A laugh catches in his throat. “Oh, since we were teens, and you used to take refuge at our house.” He glances at me, sorrow ghosting his blue eyes before he tears his gaze away, like he can’t bear to look at me. Like he’s responsible for the years of abuse.
“I should have said something, Cole. I should have told my parents.”
I give a hard shake of my head. “No. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want anyone to know. He wasn’t hurting Tabby, and I couldn’t risk being taken away, put in a foster home, away from you and Nina. I needed you guys. You were my family, my life. Still are.”
“I know, but still—”
“No, Cason. You did what I wanted you to do. I’d take a beating every day from that asshole if it meant being with you and Nina.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “Don’t do this.”
He nods, because he knows that’s not what I need from him. “So, my sister…”
“Don’t worry. I’ve backed off. I know I’m not the guy for her.” I scoff. “Not that she knows who I really am, anyway.”
He finishes the beer in his bottle and gestures the bartender for two more. “I think she knows more than you realize, and instead of running the other way, she bought you this. Kinda says a lot, don’t you think?”
I open my palm, stare at the helicopter. I might be an expert asshole, but I’m smart enough to understand what it represents. Nina knows the real me, and she likes that guy.
My heart races with the love I feel for her. How could I have been such an asshole? Here I thought she wouldn’t like the guy beneath the jersey—the guy who wasn’t even good enough for his own mother.
“It wasn’t your fault, Cole,” Cason says quietly, like he’s privy to my innermost thoughts.
My gaze jerks to his. “What?”
“Your mother. It wasn’t your fault. You were an innocent child, and she left for her own reasons. I know you’re the oldest by a few minutes, and that you feel responsible for everything that happened because of it, but this had nothing to do with you.”
“I was Tabby’s big brother. I should have been able to make Mom stay, at least for her.”
“No, Cole. This isn’t yours to own, and more likely than not, her leaving had everything to do with your father.”
“How does a mother just walk away like that, like we meant nothing to her?”
“I don’t know, but believe me, this is on her, not you. You’re worth loving Cole.” Cason puts his hand on my shoulder, and my heart pinches. “I fucking love you, bro.”
“I love you, too,” I say around a tight throat. I’d be lost without him, without Nina. I’d never do anything to hurt either one of them.
You hurt Nina.
“Jesus, what have I done?” I look at my best friend. “I totally fucked up.”
“Yeah, you did.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose and realize what’s going through his head. I fucked up when it came to our friendship.
Christ, not only did I make a mess of things with Nina and me. I fucked up my relationship with Cason. I can’t lose him. I just can’t. “I’m sorry, Cason. I tried not to touch her. I really did. I never wanted to do anything to jeopardize our friendship.”
Cason stands, and I slide from my stood. We stand eye to eye, and he puts his hands around my head and brings my forehead to his. “You fucked up, Cole, but not with me.”
“What?” Jesus, that’s the last thing I expected Cason to say.
“You shouldn’t have pushed Nina away. You fucking hurt her.”
“I’m such an asshole.”
“Yeah, you are.” He gives a long, slow exhale. “I’ve been beating guys off her for years. Do you have any idea why?”
“Because you’re her big brother, and that’s what big brothers do.”
“Yeah, that…and I was waiting for you to grow the fuck up and be the man she needs you to be.”
“Cason, I’m…I’m not sure I’m good enough for her.” But I want to be. She makes me a better man, which makes me want to realign my priorities and be everything she needs.
“I know you had it hard, Cole. Believe me, I fucking know everything, and I’m telling you this—you are the only guy I’d ever want my sister with. You’re the only guy I’d ever allow her to be with.” He pokes me in the chest, and his love for me, his belief in me, helps me let go of past hurts, old insecurities—everything that had me hiding behind The Playmaker. “Underneath this ‘asshole’ shit, you are the best man I know. That’s the man she fell in love with. Guaran—fucking—teed.”
I breathe deep, and let it out slowly, expelling the pain of my past. I look at my friend, ready to face the future as a new man. “You…you think she loves me?” Could I be so goddamn lucky?
“Jesus Christ, how fucking dense are you? Of course she loves you. You.” He pokes me again. “Not the fucking Playmaker.” He gestures to the helicopter. “That says it all.”
After I left her bed, she still didn’t leave me. She believed in me, showed up to my game, bought me a gift that speaks volumes, even after I was such a cruel bastard. The fact that she came to the game, sat in the stands and rooted me on, is proof that she cares about me, the real me. The guy I never let anyone see…but her and Cason.
“I can’t believe this.” I swallow hard. “You really think she loves me, the real me?”
“Yeah, I do…but still, you went behind my back and slept with my sister, and well, I’m going to have to punch you in the face for that.”
I laugh, thinking he’s joking, but then his fist connects with my eye.
“Fuck,” I say, and stumble onto my stool. “What the hell, Cason?”
A hush comes over the crowd, and he hovers over me as people gather. “You going to go for it?”
I stand and square my shoulders. “Yeah, I’m fucking going for it.”
“You’re not going to back down like a pussy because I hit you?”
“Fuck no.” I might not deserve her after the stunt I pulled at the rink. But my fuck, from here on out, I’m going to do everything in my power to be the man she needs me to be.
“So she’s worth fighting for?”
“Yeah. I’d do anything for her. I need her so much, it hurts.”
“Then what are you fucking doing standing here with me?”