Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.
—MARTIN LUTHER
YOUR WIFE’S TIME and energy are about to be radically adjusted. Are you ready for the emotional and physical changes coming your way? This chapter offers suggestions for navigating the sometimes confusing days ahead, including what to expect in your sexual relationship.
Several years ago, the editors of the Abilene Reporter-News, a daily paper in Texas, asked its readers to submit the best advice they had received from their fathers. The vignettes were published on Father’s Day.
The newsroom was flooded with responses and could publish only a small portion of what they received. Most respondents shared very practical advice. One was grateful his father warned him about the evils of smoking and chewing tobacco. Another spoke of his father’s example of “honest pay for honest and hard work.” Yet another wrote simply and bluntly, “Dynamite comes in small packages!”
Debbie Stanford of Coleman, Texas, offered a more reflective and deeper contribution:
Daddy, Buster Donham, wrote in my son’s Bible on his first Father’s Day: “What it means to be a father to me: It was a good life to watch my girls grow up. There were lots of good times and some bad that I don’t think about a lot. I want to tell you what I think is first. The first thing is to put God first in your life and read your Bible every day and always pray for His way in your life. Second is your family; always have time for them and love all of them. Third is your job. It takes money to keep things going and that is hard to do sometimes. The best thing I can give you kids is [to] love their mother (and your wife when you marry). Let her know every day that she comes first in your life. It takes a lot of staying on your knees and a lot of whispered prayers and love to raise kids. Because they walk in your footsteps and live what they see.
I never had the pleasure of meeting Buster, but I’m confident we’ll cross paths on the other side. He’s uncovered one of the great secrets to a good life. You’ve heard the expression, “Happy wife, happy life”? Although it’s often spoken in jest, many a truth is packed in humorous asides. We’ll deal with some common misperceptions about love and happiness.
Have you ever made a New Year’s resolution, only to break it by the first week of January? Somebody once said the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The same might be so for tackling your new role as a father. I’m reminded of a Saturday Evening Post article titled, “The Seven Ages of the Married Cold.” The essayists chronicled the typical progression of a husband’s reaction to his wife’s sickness. See if this sounds familiar:
The first year: “Sugar dumpling, I’m really worried about my baby girl. You’ve got a bad sniffle, and there’s no telling about these things with all this strep throat going around. I’m putting you in the hospital this afternoon for a general checkup and a good rest. I know the food’s lousy, but I’ll be bringing your meals in from Rosini’s. I’ve already got it all arranged with the floor superintendent.”
The second year: “Listen, darling, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I called Doc Miller and asked him to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl, please? Just for Papa.”
The third year: “Maybe you’d better lie down, honey: nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I’ll bring you something to eat. Have you got any canned soup?”
The fourth year: “Now look, dear, be sensible. After you’ve fed the kids, washed the dishes, and finished the floor, you’d better lie down.”
The fifth year: “Why don’t you take a couple of aspirin?”
The sixth year: “I wish you’d just gargle or something, instead of sitting around all evening barking like a seal!”
The seventh year: “For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing! Are you trying to give me pneumonia?”
While there is a degree of comedy in this exchange, the underlying theme points to a real problem. As husbands, we would be wise to print or type out the apostle Paul’s famous words to the church at Ephesus:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. (Ephesians 5:25–27)
It’s not a trick question, but the answer is probably more complicated than conventional wisdom would suggest. If you were to ask ten husbands what it means to love their wives, nine out of ten would offer some version of “make them happy.” Although extending kindness to our wives is an essential component of marriage, our faith suggests something more.
In his powerful book The Problem of Pain, C. S. Lewis tackles this matter head-on. He wrote, “By Love … most of us mean kindness—the desire to see others than the self happy; not happy in this way or in that, but just happy.”6
Okay, I know I’m guilty of embracing that philosophy! But Lewis concludes, “God does not govern the universe on such lines. And since God is Love, I conclude that my conception of love needs correction.”
I suddenly don’t feel so bad. If someone like C. S. Lewis admits needing a theological tune-up on love, perhaps I shouldn’t be so surprised that I also need one. Alas, if love is not about making our spouse happy, what is it all about? Lewis provides perspective on Paul’s writings:
Love demands the perfecting of the beloved; that the mere “kindness” which tolerates anything except suffering in its object is, in that respect, at the opposite pole from Love.
In other words, my job as a husband in loving my wife is to simply try to help her become the woman God intended.
How can we, as husbands (as the US Army used to ask of their recruits), help our wives become “all that they can be”? Scripture provides advice. In the first book of Peter, we’re told to “be considerate as you live with your wives” (1 Peter 3:7). We’re called to know them, their likes and dislikes, their pet peeves, and the things they love and love doing.
The other day when I came home from work, I greeted my wife, and after our kiss and the usual “How was your day?” I asked, “Do you have a headache?”
“Yes,” she answered, with a smirk.
How did I know? I’ve lived with Dena for twenty-six years, and I’ve learned to read her facial expressions. And her face told me her head was hurting. It’s a simple example, but we men would do well to apply some of our brain power to knowing and understanding our spouse. She’ll appreciate it, and when we perform that simple act of observing, remembering, and caring, we’ll show her love.
You might be thinking, Okay, I get it. God’s not calling me to help keep my wife entertained and happy, like I’m some sort of clown at a kid’s birthday party. But what can I do to help accomplish my goal of really loving my wife? Let’s end with a dose of practicality, a few suggestions drawn from a variety of people and sources. As I tell people when they ask about me recommending the perfect running shoe, there is no perfect suggestion—only the suggestion that’s perfect for you.
Start or end each day by holding hands and praying together with your wife.
Talk to her respectfully without demeaning her or hurting her feelings.
Show interest in her friends—and give her time to be with them.
Express to her that you need and value her.
Show enthusiasm for the things that she’s excited about—let your actions show it.
Find something that makes you laugh together.
Put your arms around her when she needs comfort, holding her silently.
Surprise her by doing, before she asks, something you think she would want done.
Try not to make sudden changes without discussing them with her first.
Show interest in that which she values.
Allow your wife to teach you things without becoming defensive.
Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that differ from our spouse’s.
Go shopping with her and don’t sigh or check the time even once.
Make the time with her to set specific goals to achieve together for each year.
Be polite, courteous, and mannerly with her—not taking her for granted.
Exhibit humility, admit your mistakes, and ask for forgiveness. She’ll appreciate that!
Don’t belittle her intelligence.
Scratch her back, rub her feet, or her rub her neck—whatever she prefers.
Get up in the middle of the night (letting her stay in bed) to take care of your upset child.
Be especially helpful when she doesn’t feel well.
When you’ve been apart for a time and she asks how your day went, don’t just say “fine”; give her details.
Thank God for her by name when the two of you pray together.
Try not to argue over money. Instead, peacefully discuss future expenditures.
Don’t embarrass her by arguing with her in front of others.
Lead your family in their spiritual relationship with God. This is important to her.
Stay away from websites, online content, or anything that gives you sexual gratification from anyone other than your wife.
Be helpful and cooperative before and during the time you have other people over to your home. (If you’re not sure what to do, ask your wife, “What can I do that would help the most?”)
Brag about her to others—both in front of her and when she is not with you.
Surprise her from time to time with a card and flowers or a little gift.
Tell her or call her as soon as you know you are going to be late.
Give her your undivided attention when she wants to talk.
Maintain good grooming habits so you look and smell good. It shows you care.
Help her to finish her education and accomplish goals that are important to her.
View and treat her as if God put a sign over her that says, “Make me feel special.”
Run errands without complaining.
Give her the love gift of being thoughtful and considerate to her relatives.
Show her you are her marital partner by not making plans without her (unless it’s a surprise for her).
Keep her trust at all costs. Leave no gray area when it comes to other female relationships, money, and your word.
Surprise her by asking her to give you a list of three things she’d like done around the house in the next month. Make it your goal to do them.
Ask her—and then listen without judging—what makes her fearful and insecure.
Find out her sexual needs—and then try to fulfill them.
Surprise her with a fifteen-second kiss (with no expectations to go any further).
Keep yourself in as good a shape as reasonable so she’s proud to be with you.
Write a mission statement together for your marriage and family.
Show affection for her in front of friends.
Make a point to honor anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions.
Don’t tease and belittle her, saying, “I was just joking” when she doesn’t find it funny.
Hold her hand in public as you did when you dated her.
Call, email, or text her during the day when you are apart so she knows you are thinking of her.
Surprise her by suggesting you go to a marriage seminar or weekend retreat together to draw even closer in your marriage.
For Married Men Only: Three Principles for Loving Your Wife, by Tony Evans (Moody Publishers).
The Marriage Turnaround: How Thinking Differently about Your Relationship Can Change Everything, by Mitch Temple (Moody Publishers).
For Married Men Only, by Shaunt Feldhahn, Jeff Feldhahn (Multnomah Publishers).
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs, by Dr. EmersonEggerich (Thomas Nelson).