The greatest thing you can do for your children is to love their mother.
—THEODORE HESBURGH, PRESIDENT EMERITUS, UNIVERSITY OF NOTRE DAME
KIDS NEED TO SEE a loving, stable marriage as they grow up—and they’ll benefit from that modeling for years to come. This chapter will help you support and love your wife in ways that matter.
The ballroom in the InterContinental Hotel in Dallas was filled. At the kick-off event of Focus on the Family’s Celebrate Family, Celebrate Life tour, the audience was fairly conservative and obviously committed to the well-being of their families. As part of the festivities, we were to record a Focus on the Family radio broadcast. Our conversation that night included Focus’s president, Jim Daly; Focus family psychologist Dr. Juli Slattery; the beloved Dr. Gary Smalley; and author, speaker, and pastor Dr. Ted Cunningham.
Ted Cunningham is a friend and a man with impeccable credentials. A gifted communicator, he knows how to grab an audience. Theologically and socially, he’s orthodox. But that night he said something that made the audience gasp. He wasn’t dramatic about it, and at the moment I didn’t think much about his comment. But there it was—and people had some strong reactions.
He told a story about his five-year-old daughter who asked him a difficult question.
“Daddy,” she said, “who do you love more? Mommy or me?”
As innocent as it seems, many parents have been paralyzed by that kind of question. To a man it seems like a no-win proposition. There’s no apparent right answer, and if you reply the wrong way, you could have a tough time explaining what you said. Dismiss the query and you might crush your little girl’s heart.
So how do you answer a question like that?
Ted’s response seemed reasonable to me. But there were audible reactions from many in the auditorium, mostly women.
“Well … you’ve got to know, sweetheart, that while I love you a whole lot, I love your mommy even more.”
Suddenly a rush of thoughts came flying into the minds of hundreds in the audience. I could almost hear them. Wait a minute, Ted. Are you telling me you love your wife more than your child? C’mon, man, that’s not what your girl wanted to hear! You’ve crushed her heart. Or perhaps, Yikes, you mean I can love my wife more than our kids?
How did you react when you read Ted’s candid answer to his little girl? Did his response startle you?
Every family has relational priorities. For many couples, the children become the central point—it’s all about the kids. It seems this is the approach to family life most valued in our culture. But while it is commonly accepted to make the kids the focus of all our efforts, I think it is wrong and shortsighted. I suggest the healthiest thing for your family is to take Ted’s advice:
Love your wife more than your kids.
A popular parenting website recently posed a question to readers. If any of the women responding were in that Dallas audience, they were probably the ones who gasped at Ted’s answer.
The online forum asked this: “Kids or Spouse: Who do you love more?”
The answers—from women—are revealing:
I don’t know. To me this question is a bit silly. I love them both equally. Does this mean my love for my two girls is the same as my love for my husband? Of course not. In fact, my love for my eldest daughter isn’t the same as my love for my youngest. Each is different and special in its own way—that special bond that I only share with that other person.
To actually love one more than the other is silly. What is your child if not half of the person you married?
I love my kids and my spouse equally. That being said, my love for them is different. My children definitely have my unconditional love and my husband has my deep, intimate love. But my daughter could say it best: “Who do you love more, your mom or your dad? That’s silly! I love them both!”
I agree with the other ladies, you can’t answer this question. I love my husband in a way that I will never love another person, the type of love that is only felt between a husband and wife. I love my son in a way that all mothers love their sons, unconditionally and forever.
Many women, consciously or not, give their love fully to their children … leaving their husband feeling on the periphery. Call it the nurturing instinct, the mama bear syndrome, or whatever … most women with babies can’t help but pour their entire being into that child. You’re not the only guy feeling a bit odd about this.
As a husband and dad, you can expect this kind of response from your wife. It’s natural. It doesn’t mean she’s no longer in love with you. It doesn’t mean you’ve messed up. It doesn’t mean you’ll forever be battling this little bundle of joy for your wife’s heart.
Your baby is perfectly helpless and needs everything done for him, and your wife knows she is that child’s primary needmeeter. Of course, you’re part of that equation, but in most families it will be the mother who spends the majority of time with their infant.
While you will be helping with the baby, you’ll find yourself feeling a bit like the odd man out. So you’ll want to implement some new approaches to loving your wife. For the sake of your marriage and your child, you’ll need to cultivate your marriage relationship.
It’s natural for us as parents to pledge our all to this new little one. She is so helpless, so dependent. You want the best for your child, providing the important things for her. You want her to be safe, to know she is loved, to have the things and opportunities that can make for a happy child. You want to see her understand and embrace your values. You’ll want to find her the right school. You look forward to helping her learn to read, ride a bike, catch a ball, and learn to enjoy a sunset. You’ll sacrifice a lot to make life special for her. This is all fine.
I can’t emphasize this enough. The one other thing you’ll want to do, to help your child succeed in life, is to really and truly love her mom.
Over the years, research has confirmed a direct correlation between children’s emotional well-being and their parents’ relationship. When Dad loves Mom, kids are more secure and are healthier emotionally. In study after study, children are found to do best when raised in an intact, two-parent home. This doesn’t mean that children in single-parent families are destined for disaster. But it does mean children are more likely to thrive when they don’t have to try to navigate parental dysfunction.
The research reveals something else of interest. In a study that examined millionaires in America, the social scientists found the “typical millionaire” has these traits in common: They worked between eight and ten hours per day for thirty years—and remained married to the same person. In a similar study, a New York executive search firm found that of 1,365 corporate vice presidents, 87 percent were still married to their first wife—and 92 percent were raised in two-parent families.
The parenting journey demands total commitment. You’ve got to be determined to do the right thing, for your child, at the right time, for the right reasons. But that doesn’t mean you give your child 100 percent of your time, energy, and love. If Mom is in the picture, and your marriage is to survive, you’ve got to make her your priority.
What your son or daughter needs, besides your unconditional love, is the safety and security offered by your loving, stable marriage.
Even before we had our first child, I saw this dynamic at work in our relationship. Early in our marriage my wife stayed at home and, while her sister finished college, Dena cared for our niece several times a week. We loved having that precious little girl visit our home, and it was a joy to love her.
But after several weeks I began to notice that Dena would make Mariah a priority, attending to her needs at the expense of our time together. I watched my wife become motherly toward our niece, pouring emotional energy into her. She lovingly nurtured the child. They read books, walked to the park, and even napped together. We structured our lives around a two-year-old’s schedule and needs. And in some ways, Dena had a little less time and energy for me.
I had to adjust to that change. Where once I was the sole recipient of my wife’s affections, I had to share her heart with Mariah. It wasn’t that I was being neglected, but someone else in our home had more pressing needs. I had to willingly step aside and allow Dena to become our niece’s caregiver.
During this season of adjustment, you’ll need to step up your efforts to engage with your wife—for a number of reasons. One of the most important is to avoid temptation. If you don’t handle these early days of being a parent well, especially with your wife’s energies directed at the baby, you might seek out inappropriate—and ultimately damaging—attention from another woman.
That’s a difficult headline we’ve seen time and again. We’ve read of too many prominent people—politicians, celebrities, sports figures—who have been more concerned with an often short-lived quest for personal “fulfillment” than for keeping their commitments to their family. Few of us will ever live in the spotlight. But even those who are not high profile need to avoid a mistake that will cause irreparable damage to your marriage—and your relationship with your child.
Here’s some perspective on why you’ll want to love your wife even more than your kids. It won’t always be “us,” as in “the three (or four) of us.” It will take twenty years or more, but eventually this baby will grow up. Hard to believe, but one day you’ll find yourself looking into his eyes and wondering who this kid is—he’s got facial hair, he isn’t interested in listening to you, he thinks he’s a man now. Despite a good relationship, you might actually contemplate kicking him out of the house.
When he does eventually move out, you’ll still have your wife at your side. She will be your companion into your golden years. She will be the one with whom you share your daily joys in the coming seasons of life. While you’ll likely stay in touch with your children, your life will revert to the “you and me.” You’ll reap great dividends then if you make sure now that you invest time and energy in your marriage.
As we’ve said good-bye to our two oldest boys, we’ve come to realize the value of long-term perspective. They’ve finished high school and are establishing their adult identities. While we’re no longer their primary influencers, we’re still in touch and are glad to see them when we can. But they’ve moved out and on—and no longer depend on us. We’ve learned to let go and have seen that the parenting process is ultimately about helping our kids learn to make it in life without us. And when they are gone, we have each other as primary companions, partners, and soul mates.
While we still have four children at home, the process of watching our two oldest leave helps me see the importance of keeping our marriage strong. My wife is the one person who will be the constant in my life. My kids may live nearby—or on another continent. My time with them will be limited. When our other four kids leave home, my relationship with Dena will mean everything to me.
Do Your Kids a Favor … Love Your Spouse, by Kendra Smiley with John Smiley (Moody Publishers).
Great Parents, Lousy Lovers: Why Your Kids Deserve to Experience Your Great Marriage, by Gary Smalley, Ted Cunningham (Tyndale House).