Boys will be boys. And even that wouldn’t matter if only we could prevent girls from being girls.
—ANNE FRANK
FIRST-TIME FATHERS need to know that there are key differences between the genders. This chapter will tell you what you need to know about gender differences and how you can be the dad your son or daughter needs.
When Dakota, our oldest, was two, he began having difficulty navigating certain situations. One day when we picked him up from the church nursery, the woman in charge reported, “Dakota is really causing problems here. This morning he hit a child and also bit someone. If he doesn’t behave properly,” she said, “he won’t be able to keep coming to this nursery.” My wife cried.
It hurt to think she had failed as a parent. She was alarmed by the woman’s ultimatum. She wondered how we had raised such a child. How could our son be so ill-tempered and aggressive? We tried to teach him to be kind. We didn’t expose him to violent television shows.
What was wrong?
Dena discussed the “nursery incident” with another young mom at church. Dee and her husband, Scott, had three kids, all boys. She laughed about the matter.
“Oh Dena, you don’t need to worry too much. Marcy only has one little girl, and she has no idea what boys are like. She thinks every child is just like her little princess—all quiet and content. Relax! Boys behave like this all the time.”
You can imagine how comforting those words were. Unbound by unrealistic expectations about how a little boy should behave, Dena found joy in some of the distinctives that make boys … boys. She was unconstrained by Marcy’s view that boys should be like girls.
Boys and girls are different. That might seem obvious, but let’s consider some of the facts. As a first-time father, you’ll benefit from knowing what to expect.
First, a caveat: The findings I’m about to share deal in averages. For example, conventional wisdom suggests that California is warmer than Montana. But there have been summer days when the opposite is true. The same can said about the differences between boys and girls. Boys are generally considered more aggressive, but everybody has come across a tough-as-nails girl. She is neither weird nor a freak of nature.
With that in mind, here are some general traits that you, as a first-time father, should find interesting and helpful.
Matt is a man’s man. A former scholarship athlete in several collegiate sports, he’s now a cabinetmaker here in Colorado Springs. A couple of years into their marriage he and his wife, Jennifer, were blessed with two boys in two years. Matt took to them like a fish to water. Wrestling matches and ball playing framed the beginning and end of each day. The three of them clicked. He felt like a good father and connected quickly with his sons. As they matured, they would regularly tease and joke with one another. All was right with the world.
Enter Jillian. The daughter his wife always wanted arrived with great fanfare. Pink and lace began popping up everywhere. Matt took her birth in stride. Not only was he happy to have a daughter but he was also thrilled that Jennifer would have a girl to help balance the household’s hormonal scale. He wasn’t nearly as anxious about parenting her as he was back when the boys arrived. After all, seven years ago he was a rookie—now he was an experienced veteran.
The young family of five settled into a new routine. According to Matt, he was rarely surprised in the first two years of Jillian’s life. But soon after her second birthday he began to notice things were different than at that same stage with his two boys. She didn’t appreciate roughhousing to the same degree and seemed quicker to tear up and slower to calm down.
The older she grew the more it struck him: parenting a daughter is going to be very different from parenting a son. After a particularly tough day of tantrums and tears he confided to a friend, “I am thoroughly confused. How she can go from laughter to crying so quickly? She is a mystery to me!”
I can relate to Matt’s dilemma. When our oldest girl Allie arrived, I experienced a similar period of transition. I never expected her to be just like Dakota or Seth, and knew boys and girls were different, but I have to admit, I was a bit surprised how distinct the differences were.
Girls have fewer attention-span problems and can make faster transitions between lessons.
Stronger neural connectors create better listening skills, more detailed memory storage, and better discrimination among tones of voice.
A girl’s stronger neural connectors and a larger hippocampus provide greater use of sensory memory details in speaking and writing.
Girls’ prefrontal cortex develops earlier and is larger than boys’.
Girls have more serotonin and make fewer impulsive decisions than boys. Teenagers don’t think of the consequences of their actions. They act on impulse. Serotonin and oxytocin tell a teenager to slow down and think about what could happen if they did something. Our job as adults is to serve as external frontal lobes.
A girl’s brain also experiences approximately 15 percent more blood flow.
With more cortical areas devoted to verbal functioning, girls are better at sensory memory, sitting still, listening, tonality, mental cross talk, and the complexities of reading and writing—the very skills and behaviors often rewarded in schools.7
Nicole never had a brother and in fact, spent very little time with young boys. Whenever she saw her cousins at family reunions they were on their best behavior. Her father was quiet and besides, he worked a lot of hours outside the home. She and her only sister did all the things little girls do—they played house and dress-up and hosted tea parties with their mother in the backyard. They would sit for hours and quietly read. In other words, she wasn’t too familiar with the energetic nature of boys and subconsciously assumed that life with kids would look a lot like she remembered her childhood.
Nicole married, and when little Sammie was born, she cried tears of joy. A son! How wonderful! As time progressed, though, she would shed tears of frustration. It wasn’t that he was ill or troubled. She was simply shocked by just how physical he was, even at a very young age. She would sit with him in his room and build large towers with bright-colored blocks. Even before the last block was in place, little Sammie would lunge forward and topple the masterpiece, laughing and giggling all the way. Forget Bob the Builder—her son was Sam the Destroyer!
As my wife, Dena, had discovered with our oldest son, Dakota, little boys like to make big messes and are often energized by dismantling pretty things. There’s a very good chance that your wife “gets this” on an intellectual level—but how does it look on a day-to-day basis? Here is a brief summary of what you and she can expect:
Boys have more cortical area devoted to spatial-mechanical functioning and half as many to verbal-emotive functioning.
Spatial-mechanical functioning makes boys want to move objects through the air, such as balls, airplanes, their little sisters, or just their arms and legs.
“Boys are significantly more likely to do something dangerous,” writes Leonard Sax in his book Why Gender Matters. “Risky and dangerous activities trigger a ‘fight or flight’ response that gives a tingle, a charge, an excitement that many boys find irresistible. Boys systematically overestimate their own ability, while girls are more likely to underestimate their abilities.”8
Boys have less serotonin and less oxytocin, which makes them more impulsive and less likely to sit still to talk to someone.
Boys have less blood flow to the brain and tend to structure or compartmentalize learning.
The male brain is designed to go into rest states in which it renews, recharges, and reorients itself. (Girls can do this without going to sleep.)
The more words a teacher uses, the more likely a boy will quit listening.
Boys’ brains are better suited to symbols, abstractions, and pictures. So boys generally learn higher math and physics better than girls. Boys prefer video games for the physical movement and destruction. And boys get into more trouble for not listening, moving around, sleeping in class, and incomplete assignments.9
There have now been several decades of rhetoric suggesting the only difference between the sexes is the ability to bear children. Do you think conventional wisdom might bear some revision?
Since men tend to thrive with lists and charts, on the following page there is an easy-to-use reference guide that details some of the strong neurological differences between boys and girls.
Let me share some of the challenges Dena and I faced in keeping up with one of our boys. (I’ll not identify which of our three sons was the guilty party.) One August day this three-year-old boy:
Climbed six feet to the top shelf of his closet to grab a book.
Turned on the video player to watch movies—without approval. Twice.
Hacked into the kids’ account on the computer so he could play a favorite game.
Interfered with dinner by pouring a big glass of water into a pot of rice.
Dumped out the dog’s water.
Stood by Mom as she tried to light the grill … and blew out the match. Twice!
Wandered down the block until a neighbor intervened.
Climbed into the kitchen cupboards and grabbed marshmallows and cookies … hiding the unauthorized snacks in his room. With a glass of milk.
Quite the list, don’t you agree? And that was really a fairly routine week for this boy. All in a parent’s day’s work!
Compiled from Michael Gurian and Kathy Stevens, “With Boys and Girls in Mind,” Educational Leadership, Nov. 2004; Leonard Sax, Why Gender Matters [New York: Broadway Books, 2005).
The other day while I was at the computer, a sharp object poked into my back.
A little voice challenged me to a duel. “Choose your weapon!”
Turning around, I found my youngest son with his Tinker Toy swords. I grabbed one of the weapons and halfheartedly “fought” him. Then I went back to the computer.
Unsatisfied, the boy persisted. Finally, I bounced out of my chair and chased him toward the kitchen. Once he entered that room, I stopped and ran back through the living room to the other entrance. Cutting him off at that doorway, I hollered, “Charge!”
With a delighted shriek, he spun around to get away.
We played this game for twenty minutes—and I believe Zane could have kept it up for another hour or two. He drank it all in, the running, the yelling, the battles.
A bit later, I was pushing him on the tire swing. After twenty minutes, I started to go inside. But Zane would have none of that. To the trampoline!
He bounced on the big black canvas, and I grabbed for his ankles. Once I successfully held on to an ankle, and I lifted up so he went falling backwards on to the tramp. A big bounce on his back, and he rolled. I grabbed an arm. He squirmed, I twisted, and he bounced again.
Dad, if you want to convey your love to your little guy, take the time to engage in some age-appropriate, physical play.
In addition to my three sons, I’ve also been blessed with three daughters. Girls are so much different! None of my girls had even a week full of destroying things, making messes, and challenging me to a duel with Tinker Toys.
Where the boys like to literally tackle me, the girls like to figuratively tackle me and pin me down for one-on-one daughter/dad time. Now, recall what I said about generalizations? Let me address exceptions and offer a caveat. Each one of my three daughters is unique. Our middle girl, Saige, is most certainly feminine, but she also has a powerful, competitive personality that rivals any boy’s aggressiveness. She lives life with gusto and verve. She thinks fast, she moves fast. She doesn’t do anything halfway.
I used to describe Saige as “a red Italian sports car, zooming down the road with the throttle stuck wide open!” Typically this is the kind of behavior and attitude a dad expects from a son, not a daughter. That said, I love this girl’s style! Saige is a delightful young lady, now in her teens, and her spontaneity, exuberance, and energy are wonderful traits. Her full-on approach to life was apparent early on.
Some years ago I was wrestling with a few of the kids when Saige, then six, was wildly attempting to escape my tickling fingers. In the process of getting away this tiny little blonde-haired girl wriggled wildly—and promptly put her foot right to my face! It was quite a whack. I recoiled in pain, and became the proud owner of a beautiful black eye (my first since grade school). My dear daughter was sincerely sorry. Of course, the injury wasn’t intentionally inflicted, but still, it was reminiscent of the type of physical pain her older brothers used to inflict on me. They used to hurt us all the time. In contrast, my other daughters don’t have a dubious distinction like this: giving Dad a shiner. What happened?
Aren’t all little girls supposed to be all sweet and dainty? In a word, no! Lest you misunderstand, in addition to her obvious zest for life, Saige is also full of the qualities that we usually associate with the feminine gender. There’s a softer side to her. She likes emotional movies, loves to talk on the phone (seemingly for hours), and spends lots of time in front of the mirror—just like her sisters. And she still leans into me for hugs at night and leaves me little love notes—things my teen boys refused to do after they turned eleven or twelve (no surprise there).
So, here’s a complex girl who defies stereotypes. If you have a daughter, you might be fortunate to have a Saige. Conversely, you might be blessed with a quiet, reserved, and delicate girl. Likely you have someone who is in between. Regardless, you are going to want to embrace God’s design for your child and enjoy her fully!
When younger, one of my girls’ favorite things to do with me was to play “pretend.” “Pretend” for a little girl is often something rather sedate, and for many men, somewhat tedious. It usually involves a lot of preparation—get the table and teacups ready, build the “house” just right, be sure that the stuffed animals are all gathered.
After that, there’s a lot of time together. Sitting. Conversing about small, mundane things. Role-playing. Being polite to each other. “Nurturing” the animals or dolls.
This is not exciting. You won’t want to do this kind of pretend play. You’ll want to interject some action, speed the pace up, make things more … interesting. Don’t do that, though. Instead, adjust your expectations and style to meet your precious little girl right where she is. Go to her interests, her play interests, her way of relating.
You can do this! You did it with her mom. Surely in the courting process, and since you married, you’ve realized that your woman needs relational time, time to be together, time to talk. She wants you—not your noises, not your ability to arm wrestle or to destroy things. It is the same dynamic at work in your daughter’s life. She relates to you differently than the guys, and you’ve got to work a little harder (okay, sometimes a whole lot harder!) to do that. Trust me, it is worth the effort.
I’ll assure you that as she matures, you’ll find loving your girl gets easier. As they’ve gotten older, my daughters have each loved going out for breakfast with Dad, usually at a local bagel joint, where we simply sit and talk. Our conversations—over time—have become deeper and more meaningful. I can see my girl lean forward and soak in whatever affirmation and affection I’m able to relay. This is the payoff for investing in their lives, in meaningful ways, from early on. It is the dividend for demonstrating my love in a way that they can relate to and appreciate.
So the bottom-line: Adjust your fathering according to your child. Meet him where he is. Pour into her life in a way that is meaningful to her. Recognize that each child is unique, that boys and girls tend to be quite different, and that you’ll have to rise to the challenge and give this kid your best effort. I want you to understand that each child—yours included—has his or her own gifts, abilities, interests, and needs. He or she is special! It is imperative that you study and appreciate those distinctive traits.
And trust me, the time will pass quickly. If you do this well, you’ll likely find some relational gold when that son or daughter is older!
My colleague Pete is a happy father of two young boys. He and his wife enjoy a strong marriage and complement the other in parenting. There is love in the home and each tries to lift the other up in the eye of their sons.
When little Max turned two, Pete began a tradition of doing something special with him on the nights when Lori, his wife and Max’s mom, was at choir practice. One night they might build a fire in the backyard and roast marshmallows. Another evening found them at the city pool, swimming under the stars.
What could possibly be wrong with this tradition? Nothing—except that once Max started talking in sentences he would occasionally say things like, “Mommy, is tonight choir? Are you leaving?” Or, on a day when a blizzard closed roads, little Max bellowed in frustration, “But I like it when you leave, Mommy!”
As a father, it’s important to remember that it’s perfectly normal to have a male son begin to bond with his daddy. In other words, a healthy boy will begin to pull away from his mother at around two or three and begin to resonate with his father. This should happen! However, don’t forget that in the process, it’s easy for Mommy’s feelings to get hurt. At first, Pete thought it was neat that his son wanted to spend time with him, which it was, but he didn’t take his wife’s hurt feelings into consideration. Big mistake. Whatever you do as a father, make sure you regularly affirm and applaud your child’s mother. Failure to do so will cause grief and tears on every level.
Dad, if you take nothing else away from this book, I hope you’ll remember this: Despite the differences between genders and the need to personalize your parenting to effectively reach them, there is a common denominator. Your child is desperate for your time and attention. Whether it’s chasing your son around the house or sitting on a tiny chair with your daughter at her tea table, more than half the challenge is simply being there and investing in him or her.
Give your children the time and they will respond and be on their way to becoming the persons God intended.
Enhancing Teaching and Parenting for Girls
Use puzzles to foster perceptual and symbolic learning.
Verbally encourage girls who exhibit low self-esteem or who underestimate their abilities.
Promote physical activities that foster gross motor skills.
Use manipulatives, especially in science and math.
Provide role models of girls succeeding at activities or school subjects normally associated with boys.
Provide opportunities for girls to study together.
Expect girls to ask for help and want to affiliate with a teacher.
Encourage girls to actively explore their world, even at the risk of failure or minor injury.
Let girls create their own challenges in which they can take safe risks.
Realize loud or repetitive noises may distract girls, since their hearing is more acute than most boys.
Provide role-playing activities.
Be aware of how much stress a girl is feeling, as it may degrade her performance.
Use a supportive, nonconfrontational approach to change a girl’s behavior. Smile and look a girl in the eye.
Provide alternative ways for girls to relax, such as hiking, sports, meditation, and concerts.
Don’t transfer your authority to a child. Establish the prohibitive rule. Stick to it. Then offer an alternative activity.10
Enhancing Teaching and Parenting for Boys
Use manipulatives that require boys to use fine motor skills.
When possible, provide a larger learning space.
Make lessons kinesthetic and experiential. Structure activities for movement.
Keep verbal instructions short. Don’t layer instructions. Write layered instructions as numbered steps on a board or worksheet.
Many boys may not hear as well as girls and need to be moved closer to the front of a room.
Boys in groups do stupid things. Begin any new physical activity with directions from a trained teacher.
Boys learn the “rules of the game” through aggressive play. Competition builds camaraderie and organizes their peer relationships. Don’t eliminate PE and other physical activities from the school day or boys’ aggressive drive will show up elsewhere—inappropriately.
When a boy wants to be alone, ask him about his life. Stress tends to cause boys to choose isolation.
Avoid small-group activities unless each boy has a different but equal goal, yet all members are held responsible for a team score.
Provide a moderate level of stress through timing or some sort of challenge to engage a boy’s interest.
Give clear and consistent discipline.
Don’t transfer your authority to a boy. Establish the prohibitive rule. Stick to it. Look him in the eye and tell him so. Then offer an alternative activity.11
What a Daughter Needs from Her Dad: How a Man Prepares His Daughter for Life, by Michael Farris (Bethany House).
What a Difference a Daddy Makes: The Indelible Imprint a Dad Leaves on His Daughter’s Life, by Dr. Kevin Leman (Thomas Nelson).
King Me: What Every Son Wants and Needs from His Father, by Steve Farrar (Moody Publishers).
Raising a Modern-day Knight: A Father’s Role in Guiding His Son to Authentic Manhood, by Robert Lewis (Tyndale House).
Bringing Up Girls: Practical Advice and Encouragement for Those Shaping the Next Generation of Women, by Dr. James Dobson (Tyndale House).
Bringing Up Boys: Practical Advice and Encouragement for Those Shaping the Next Generation of Men, by Dr. James Dobson (Tyndale House).