Chapter 10

FERNANDO KNOWS BEST

The ride back from Shady Pastures was quiet, silent, and hushed. Did I mention you could hear a pin drop? I refused to speak, I was so mad at my mom. Besides being mad, I was too busy trying to process this latest shock to my system. Like I didn’t have enough problems, I could now add Mrs. Lutzkraut to my ever-expanding list of enemies and rivals out to get me. I shook my head “no” when my mom asked if I wanted to stop for ice cream. It was the closest I came to talking.

Yes, my visit with Mrs. Lutzkraut had left me shaken. For the next day or so I didn’t really think about anything else beyond the word “revenge” and what form it might take. Even my sister noticed that something was up. “You’re making that crying look again,” she said. “I hope your friend from camp doesn’t notice. He just pulled up in the driveway.”

Fernando! I had forgotten he was arriving tonight. Of course, it was Thursday already. He was here to help me with yet another problem—stopping Trevor from killing me. I needed a scorecard. I ran downstairs to meet him.

My mom had invited Fernando and his parents onto the back deck. I bolted outside to greet my best friend from camp.

“Rodney, you didn’t tell me you had such an enchanting mother.” Even at night I could see her blush. Good old Fernando. With a little bow to the adults he added, “And now, if you will pardon us, Rodney and I have much to discuss.”

Once back in the house and up in my room, Fernando got right to business. As he explained his ideas for how we could get Josie to go on a date with Trevor, the unlikelihood of success became very apparent. The way I saw it, the only two things getting acquainted Saturday would be Trevor’s fists and my face.

The rest of the evening I did my best to enjoy Fernando’s visit and avoid thinking about my problems, but when the sun hit my window the next morning, it took all my strength not to stick my head under the covers.

“Good to see you’re ready to go,” Fernando said from the air mattress on the floor. I couldn’t help notice that his hair looked perfectly combed. “Fernando cannot wait for the fun before us.”

“Me neither,” I managed, my hair sticking straight up like a rooster.

“In that case,” Fernando said, smiling, “let the adventure begin!”

As we walked to the bus stop, Fernando remarked, “This Garrettsville seems nice. The fresh smell in the air, the creek running through the town, the big trees . . .”

“Yeah, it’s great,” I said with little enthusiasm. “Big trees.” Each time we passed one I imagined Mrs. Lutzkraut jumping out with a dart in her hand. Or Trevor, or Toby, or Cheese, or The Boss. Pretty soon I might have to make a quick getaway from this lovely town!

Fernando was my only hope, at least as far as Trevor. Unfortunately, his plan seemed far-fetched. “Tell me again,” I asked, “how do you plan to go around in school with me today?”

“Just take Fernando to the office when we arrive.”

I noticed Rishi waiting for us under his big tree at the bus stop. As we approached I wondered how my two friends would get along.

“Fernando, this is Rishi. Rishi, this is—”

You didn’t have to worry about awkward silences with Rishi. “Fernando! Rodney’s told me all about you! Hey, I hear you know a lot about girls.”

“I know a little,” Fernando answered with a grin.

Rishi spoke even quicker than usual, asking, “Hey, should I part my hair down the middle or right here? Should I button my shirt all the way up? I’ve thought about getting a fancy walking stick. Cool idea, right? Should I memorize some French poetry or something? Is that worth the effort?”

The groan of the school bus reached our ears before it rounded the turn in the road. Fernando put his hand on Rishi’s shoulder but looked at me. “Rodney, I like how your friend thinks. Rishi will be with us this weekend?”

“Sure. He’s already handling the restaurant part of the plan.”

“Good, we have a lot of work to do, and we could use a man like him on the team. Rishi, part your hair along here.” He pointed at Rishi’s scalp. “I always leave as many buttons open as possible. And I love the walking stick idea. May I borrow that?”

We climbed aboard the bus and headed to the back to grab some seats. Rishi asked, “What about the French poetry?”

Fernando recited a line or two. Several girls simultaneously grabbed their hearts and let out a collective, “Awwwwww.”

“This guy is brilliant,” Rishi muttered in amazement.

Fernando noticed someone sitting in the back of the bus. “Josh!” he called out.

Josh ran down the aisle and put Fernando in a big bear hug. I was beginning to wonder if Fernando had uttered his last stanza when Josh let him go. After gasping for a second, Fernando smiled and said, “Long time no see.”

“Huh? You blind?” Josh asked.

“I missed this guy,” Fernando whispered to me.

We took our seats and the bus ride was a lot of fun, but I still didn’t expect Fernando to be sticking around long in school. When we got there we headed into the office and Fernando asked to speak to the principal. The secretary, without even bothering to look at us, snapped, “Dr. Stone is too busy.”

“Excuse me,” Fernando asked, picking up a framed photograph from her desk, “surely this can’t be your wedding picture?”

“Yes, it is,” the secretary answered. “Taken twenty years ago this December.”

“But you look even younger now!” Fernando exclaimed.

The secretary smiled. “Let me see if Dr. Stone can squeeze you in.”

A minute later she emerged and told us we could head into the office.

Dr. Stone’s hair bun was pulled very tight. Her pale, expressionless face told me immediately that she didn’t appreciate our visit. She said, “Rodney Rathbone, twice in one week.”

“Um, yes, lucky me. So, Mrs. Stone . . .”

“Dr. Stone.”

“Uh, yes. Sorry. Dr. Stone, sorry to interrupt you.”

“You wouldn’t need to apologize if you didn’t interrupt.”

“Uh, that’s true, but . . .”

“Mr. Rathbone, did you know that I was a teacher for seven years?”

“No, I wasn’t aware of that,” I said.

“Do you know why I left teaching and became a principal?”

I thought for a second. “Because you could help more children if you ran an entire school instead of a single classroom.”

“No. I became a principal because there’s far less interaction with students. Now, this has been a nice little talk. Good day, boys.”

She glanced down at her paperwork. Dr. Stone had about as much personality as the paperweight sitting before her on the desk. I had tried to explain this to Fernando last night. I expected he’d soon be calling my dad to come pick him up, although he seemed as cool and collected as usual.

“Señorita Rosalita,” he suddenly spoke. I almost died.

Dr. Stone’s eyes glared up from her paper. “I thought our meeting was over, and I believe I’ve already made it clear how I am to be addressed.”

“I was referring to your nail color,” Fernando said.

Dr. Stone opened her mouth to say something but instead looked down at her nails.

“A vibrant, exciting color,” Fernando continued.

“No one’s ever noticed my nails before.” Her stern look softened and I thought I saw a hint of something other than her usual frown. “Who are you again?” she asked.

“I am Fernando. Did you get the orchids?”

Dr. Stone pointed slowly over Fernando’s shoulder.

“Dr. Stone, I’m here because I’d like to visit your school for the day.”

“Well, Fernando, orchids or no, we can’t just let random people—”

“I don’t want to be a random person. Rodney here told me all about your school. I read about you on the district website. I knew I had to come meet you. I had to.” He paused and grabbed his chest. “You are an inspiration. The ultimate administrator! Surely you should be superintendant of the entire district . . .”

“Oh, go on!” Dr. Stone blushed. She patted her hair bun. “Well, Fernando, I have to admit I’d love to have you in my school, but I don’t think your school would appreciate—”

“Here is my principal’s phone number at Crenshaw Middle School. She’s expecting your call.”

Dr. Stone looked confused for a second, took another look at Fernando’s smiling face, and dialed the number. “Yes, hello. My name’s Elizabeth Stone and I’m the principal of Garrettsville Middle School . . . Hi . . . Yes, the reason I’m calling is I have one of your students sitting in my office. . . . Yes, his name is Fern . . . Yes, he certainly is . . . I can see that . . . He did? Hahahaha . . .” Dr. Stone was smiling and giggling and occasionally looking at Fernando. “That’s right, he wants to visit for the day. So you’re fine with . . . well we’ll take good care of him . . . Okay, my pleasure . . . bye bye.”

Dr. Stone hung up and gave Fernando a big smile. “I’ll have one of the secretaries write up the visitor paperwork. I guess you can follow Rodney’s schedule.”

“May I take my lunch in here?”

She gave Fernando a knowing eye. “Don’t push it.”

Fernando gave her a quick bow, grabbed my arm, and led me out of the office. As soon as we were back in the crowded hall I spotted Rishi. Fernando, however, had spotted someone else. “Jessica!” he called.

I watched her blond hair spin in our direction. What was he up to now? He must have remembered what she looked like from that one time at camp. Samantha and Kayla were beside her. Samantha saw Fernando and smiled. Kayla saw me and frowned. They waited for us to approach.

“Have we met?” Jessica asked him.

“I have discussed your beauty under the stars. I have seen your eyes looking out the cabin windows over the lake at sunset . . .”

“Don’t talk to him, Jessica. He’s obviously nuts,” Kayla said.

“Who cares?” Samantha pointed out. “I like listening to him.”

I spoke up. “Jessica, Samantha, Kayla, this is Fernando. He’s my friend from camp.”

“Well, I should have known,” snapped Kayla. She poked Fernando in the chest. “I bet you’re trouble too.”

Rishi slid in and said to Fernando, “Ain’t she something?”

Fernando smiled. “She has a sharp, quick tongue. Her eyes are fierce and dark, like a raven.” Kayla narrowed her fierce eyes and her cheeks took on an angry red.

“I like the way she blushes,” Rishi said to Fernando.

“Yes, I can see that,” Fernando replied.

Kayla looked more annoyed than usual. “Hey, you two brainless buddies. I’m standing right here. I can hear you. Hell-ooooo. You don’t talk about people in front of them. It’s considered rude in most cultures.”

“Being rude to you is the last thing I want to be,” Rishi replied, trying to sound like Fernando. “Let me redeem myself. I wrote this just for you . . .” He put one hand on his chest and the other in the air. He began, “J’ai besoin d’utiliser la salle de bains—”

Kayla interrupted. “Am I living in bizzaro world? Is every boy in this school completely wacko? Rishi, go recite your gibberish to someone else. I’m going to class.”

Rishi’s performance may not have captivated Kayla, but a few other people stood in the hall looking at him. Among them were Josh and Wendy, who were spending more and more time together. “How’d I sound?” Rishi asked.

Wendy said, “The pronunciation wasn’t bad but you just told her you need to use the bathroom. How charming.”

Josh stood listening. I could tell by the drool buildup that he was thinking hard. Slowly he grabbed his chest like Rishi and said to Wendy, “I need to go doodie.”

Wendy laughed. “I love your wit, Joshy, and you’re charming, too.” She took his arm and the two walked off. Josh had a happy grin stretched across his face.

Fernando was watching them too, looking like a proud father. “This is a very romantic hallway.” Shifting his eyes to me he added, “Now it’s your turn.”

Jessica was still standing there, her blue eyes looking at me as well. My throat dried up and my back began to sweat. The only French word I knew was “escargot” and I doubted Jessica would appreciate me comparing her to a slimy snail!

She broke the silence. “You two talked about me at camp?”

Fernando replied, “He talked about you all the time. I’m going to have to try out this Tunnel of Love at Super Adventure.”

“You talked about that?” Jessica asked. Her face flashed red. I couldn’t tell if she was mad, embarrassed, or both.

“He also said that you were the nicest, coolest, prettiest girl he’d ever known.”

“Well then why did those other girls—”

“Alas, that is my fault,” Fernando continued. “He spent so much of his time looking sad and missing you, I tried to get those other girls interested in him, to cheer him up. I can see my actions have had the opposite effect. Look at him now. Notice the pale color in his face, the dark circles under his eyes, the sagging shoulders, that, ‘I’ve given up on life’ haircut, the—”

“I think she gets the point,” I interrupted.

“Yes, I’m sure she does. In short, he’s a miserable wretch. And for that I owe an apology to you both.” He bowed slightly. “Please accept Fernando’s deepest regrets. Oh, and Rodney has a question for you.”

“I do?”

Fernando ignored me. “Jessica, Rodney has been hoping that you’d allow him to accompany you on a stroll from this fine institution to your lovely abode.”

“Are you talking French again?” she asked.

Fernando smiled. “Let me translate. Can he walk you home one of these days?”

Jessica glanced down the hall, then at her shoe, and finally at me. “Okay.” With that she turned swiftly and headed off to class.

“You’re amazing,” I told Fernando. “Thanks.”

“I owed you that one, my friend. You’ve always liked her, and I did just what I said, pushed you toward adventure. But maybe, Rodney, it is I, Fernando, who should learn things from you.”

I thought once again about my troubles. “Trust me, Fernando, you don’t want what I got.”

He didn’t say anything to that but his face looked unusually solemn. After a pause he said, “All right, Rodney. It’s time that you took me to our most difficult challenge this morning. It’s time for Fernando to meet Josie.”

Finding her took a couple of periods, but after wandering through the eighth grade hall we eventually spotted Josie surrounded by her cheerleader friends. Fernando smiled. “Look at them. As beautiful as a Santorini sunset.”

“Uhh, yeah, whatever.”

We approached the girls. None of them seemed to mind Fernando stepping confidently up toward them. I marveled at him. Walking up to a crowd of girls filled me with fear. I whispered, “Remember, she thinks Trevor is gross.”

“I have it under control,” he replied. He eyed each girl carefully. “Josie, I presume?” he asked, picking her out. The kid had a sixth sense when it came to girls.

Josie smiled. “Yeah, I’m Josie. Who are you?”

“I am Fernando. I made a special trip to this school to ask you a favor for a dear friend who is too nervous to ask himself. Are you free tomorrow night?”

“That depends. Who is your friend and what is the favor?”

“The favor is to have dinner with him.”

Josie shifted her glance to me. She gave me a nice smile and I shuddered slightly. This had to work. I had so much riding on it.

“Sure, I’ll go out to dinner. You said this friend was real nervous.”

“That is correct,” Fernando added.

“Rodney, you look pretty nervous,” Josie said with a wink.

Did she think Fernando was talking about me? I immediately tried to act less nervous, and to clarify the situation I said, “I uh, well, um, me? You see, it’s not like . . .”

“You’re kinda cute when you’re mumbling like that.”

I didn’t know what to say. Fernando continued, “I think you’re going to find that your date is quite adorable. So dinner works then?”

Josie smiled at me again. “Sure.”

“Great, can you get to Mama’s in town tomorrow at seven p.m.?”

“I believe I can manage that.”

“Wonderful! You’ve just made someone very happy.” Fernando gripped my shoulder. “Come on, we’d better go.”

I stumbled along beside Fernando, feeling numb. The conversation with Josie had gone by quickly and my brain took seconds to catch up. We were around the corner before it all hit me. “Wait!”

Fernando paused.

“She thinks she’s going on the date with me!”

Fernando smiled and nodded.

“That’s no good!”

“Well, it’s certainly better than the truth. There was no way, from your description, that she was going on the date if she knew it was Trevor. Right?”

“Yeah, but, what if she tells anyone? What if Jessica finds out? What if Trevor finds out?”

“Rodney, some people spend their entire existence worrying ‘What if this?’ and ‘What if that?’ I have one more quote this morning. Shakespeare said, ‘If it be now, ’tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be now, yet it will come—the readiness is all.’”

“What does that mean?”

“I have no idea but it’s Shakespeare, so it must mean something important! Now, my friend, go think about those words of wisdom as you attend the rest of the day’s classes.”

The only thing I thought about the rest of the day was the catastrophe looming on the horizon. At seven tomorrow night, all my worst fears were coming together for dinner at Mama’s!