At first, I thought the piercing siren invading my ears (while it was barely what I would define as morning) must have been a mistake. Horrible reality kicked in when I sensed the other girls getting up and I scowled as I threw the covers back, my eyes still narrowed with sleep. Shanna, on the other hand, seemed as animated as ever. She dressed rapidly, her grooming consisting of raking her fingers through her choppy hair. Casting a scornful glance at me still lazing in bed, she exited the room with a disdainful snort.
Lavi was humming to herself, but the tune was peppered with exasperated sighs as she struggled to control her masses of hair. It seemed determined to escape the high knot she was trying to secure on top of her head. Kina brushed her hair with a resigned expression. I could tell that although the early rising irritated her, she would rather poke herself in the eye with her hairbrush than admit it.
Eventually I rolled groaning off the bed and dragged my clothes on. As usual, on inspection in the reflection glass, my hair had performed a feat of extraordinary acrobatics during the night and managed to tangle itself into a thousand knots. I should have plaited it before bed, but I’d been too tired to think of it. After painstakingly de-tangling it, I braided it in a long plait that hung down to my waist.
“Good morning,” I said, trying to muster some sort of cheerfulness to my tone (it came out more pained and tortured in reality.)
“It is so far!” Lavi beamed at me energetically. What was with these morning people? Did they have to be quite so happy?
“Morning,” Kina offered with a much more suitable lack of enthusiasm. It warmed me to her.
“Where did you disappear to last night?” asked Lavi as we all walked to the meal hall.
“Er, I had a headache,” I muttered. Kina and Lavi shot each other a look that assured me I was as bad a liar as I suspected.
“Did you have a fight with your partner?” Lavi asked, her blue eyes wide and sparkling with the anticipation of drama.
“Avin? No, not at all, I was just tired.” I tried to sound more convincing. It made me wonder though. I’d actually fought with Avin, my first partner’s spat and so far no remorse had crept up on me. But had I had a fight with Jonaz? Hardly, but I’d pushed him away and I knew it had hurt him. I felt a strong urge to find him and apologize.
Picking up my pace, I was just about to enter the hall when a hand clamped over my arm, yanking me away from the entrance. I whirred around, prepared to retaliate, and collided against a hard chest. Avin reached out both arms to steady me and for a moment, I was pinned against him, looking up into his swirling gaze. I felt myself soften, relaxing against him for a heartbeat before my instincts kicked in. Pulling violently out of his arms, I buzzed with such furious power it made it hard to think.
“Please don’t do that thing to me—I come in peace.” Avin spoke hurriedly and again I found his archaic expressions quaint. As he had last night, his palms were out as if I might attack at any moment. Once again, good instincts. I glared at him for a long moment, trying to assess his mood. His expression seemed contrite, his full mouth curved down in a serious frown. Regardless, I took a couple of steps back, because I didn’t trust myself not to do something stupid. Then I realized Kina and Lavi were still there, their mouths hanging wide enough to catch an assortment of insects.
“Are you okay, Twell?” Kina’s prim tone translated to ‘Is this young man bothering you?’ It almost made me smile.
“I’m fine. I just need to finish a conversation with my match.” I jerked my head to indicate Avin. “I’ll see you inside.” I’d been reluctant to admit he was my match aloud. Then it would become common knowledge. It would become real. But there seemed to be no way around it.
“Oh okay, see you inside then.” Kina’s expression cleared with the relief. Obviously, in her opinion, Avin was free to manhandle me if he was my match. Honestly, she was Mira’s long lost twin I swear. When they left, I made sure to stand as far away from Avin as I possibly could whilst still being able to hear him. That was pretty far.
“You don’t need to be afraid of me, Twell. I don’t bite.” Avin took a step towards me and I immediately backed away.
“It’s not your bite I’m afraid of, Avin. It’s the sneaky manipulative way you use your powers.” I eyed him mistrustfully. “And don’t think I didn’t notice that extra step you just took there.”
“About that, I’m sorry if you think I meant to manipulate you the first time we met. I know it was wrong. I honestly don’t make a habit of doing it.”
“Ha! I bet you say that to all the girls.” I rolled my eyes, but quickly, as I wasn’t willing to lose sight of his legs. I was pretty sure he’d just taken another step closer.
Avin’s brow furrowed with consternation as he shook his head at me. “Twell, I really don’t. Look, I know I offended you and it was a stupid thing to do, but I was really nervous that day. I guess I was just practicing, you know, making sure I knew what I was doing.”
I narrowed my eyes, searching his face for the truth while he stared intently back at me. He’d been cocky and self-assured that day. He hadn’t seemed nervous at all. But maybe he was just showing off in front of his friends. Maybe he really had felt as terrified as I’d been.
“That’s not all though,” Avin said. Suddenly he was closing the distance between us and I found myself out of steps, pressed against the wall of the hall.
“Stop,” I commanded. Avin stopped when he was almost toe-to-toe with me and I had to look up at him to keep eye contact. I realized he was a little taller than Jonaz and I just came up to his shoulders, my eyes level with his chest.
“When I saw you, I felt an attraction and I thought you felt it too,” Avin said quietly.
“That wasn’t attraction, that was hyp-no-tism,” I drawled sarcastically. Then I scowled harder for good measure.
“Only at first,” Avin replied even more softly. He was looking at me in the way that made me nervous and I realized I was holding every muscle tense, ready to flee if required.
“You’re wrong,” I snapped. “I felt nothing after you stopped with your stupid power. As soon as you walked away I forgot about you.”
Avin jerked back as though I’d just slapped him. Then his eyes clouded like a storm was approaching. “I don’t believe you. You’re just afraid to tell the truth because you’re angry.”
I trembled as that well-spotted anger bubbled up inside of me. I told myself I was mad because he didn’t know what he was talking about. But deep down I knew it was because he was kind of right and it made me feel hot, squirmy, and uncomfortable. Still, I wanted to blame him for my feelings.
“Hey.”Avin reached out and hesitantly touched my cheek. I froze as his fingers grazed my skin, unable to move or react. “I don’t want to make you cross, Twell.” His lilting tone washed over me, somehow calming the rumble of thunder inside of me while the threatening storm died down in the depths of his own gaze.
“Will you accept my apology and at least give yourself a chance to get to know me?” His hand dropped from my cheek and he suddenly looked so lost I wavered against my will. Was he also suffering? Just like Dallein? Maybe he’d loved someone too and lost her. Was I judging him too quickly as I had the tendency to do? After all, I’d misjudged Jonaz and now I knew him to be someone so much more amazing than I’d first deemed him.
Avin’s hopeful eyes searched mine and I was afraid to know what he was looking for. Despite my hesitation, I found myself grasping for a small part of myself that might be willing to trust him.
“You’re on probation,” I replied grudgingly. His features broke into a sunny beam of relief, his smile so warm and infectious I couldn’t help but smile back, although I was still in a state of confusion as to how we had gotten to this point.
“I shall endeavour not to let you down again.” Avin beamed.
“What’s with the way you talk, Grandpa?” I rolled my eyes. “You sound like an old earthling.”
“My Grandfather was an old earthling.” Avin smiled unperturbed. “I guess some of his lingo rubbed off on me, before he died.”
“You had grandparents?” I gawked at him in jealous awe for a moment. I would have killed to have parents let alone grandparents. Well, not killed, so to speak. “Oh, well..,” Flustered, I turned and darted around the corner, into the hall.
Avin caught up with me at the self-service bar. “So your favourite colour is gold?” he asked as he filled his tray.
“What?” I turned and glared at him suspiciously.
“It’s what your file said.” He gazed at me expectantly. “Do you know mine?”
“What, are you, thirty moons old?” I tried to sound scathing, but it came out sounding more embarrassed. I hadn’t even bothered to read his data. I hadn’t wanted to care. Avin flinched and my chest tightened with guilt. Did I have to be such a moga to him?
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “You can tell me, if you want.”
“Okay,” he said after a pause. “It’s white.”
“White? That’s so boring,” I blurted without thinking. What was wrong with me?
“I don’t think so,” he replied patiently. “It’s the colour of the morning sky. It’s a new day, clean and fresh. It reminds me of new beginnings, or second chances. Maybe even of hope…and right now, that’s really important to me.”
I stared at him in surprise. I’d expected him to say something sappy like ‘aubergine, just like your eyes.’ But nope, he’d had to go and say something sincere that touched part of my soul and threatened to warm me to him. Dammit.
“Can I sit with you?” His tone was hopeful as he held my gaze.
“No,” I replied flatly. Then I stalked off, refusing to look back. Just because I’d accepted his apology, didn’t mean we had to start playing ‘getting to know you’ as far as I was concerned. The idea of spending more time with him made my thoughts skitter in all sorts of confused directions and I was rattled by it.
Pushing the thoughts away, I located Jonaz easily because he was the only one standing up at his table. Standing and glaring. At Avin. He appeared oblivious of my presence as I approached him and put down my tray. Frowning, I tentatively touched his arm and only then did he break his hostile stare at Avin. His eyes, as he looked down at me, were so dark with anger I dropped my hand in surprise.
“Did you just walk in with him?” Jonaz’s voice was full of the tight, quiet sort of anger that really made me prefer yelling.
“It was more like he followed me.” I sipped my energy juice loudly. Jonaz continued to glare. “Like a sticky fart,” I added, trying to break the tension.
“Was he bothering you?” Jonaz’s tone became even stiffer and colder than Kina’s. I took a seat and after a second when I could see that Jonaz was clearly happy to stand and glare all day, I grabbed his shirt, tugging him down beside me.
“No. Apologizing actually.” I focused an unnecessary amount of attention on my juice.
“Oh, good, I might go and apologize to him too then,” Jonaz replied.
“What for?” I eyed him warily.
“For the broken nose he’s about to receive.” Jonaz got to his feet.
“Oi! Stop it!” I grabbed his arm, pulling him back down hard. He looked at me again and the coldness in his expression made me recoil.
“Jonaz!”
He must have registered the horror in my voice, or my shocked expression, because the chilling hardness in his eyes died away instantly, his features twisting with pain instead. “I’m sorry Twell…this is… harder than I thought it would be.”
“That’s no excuse for you to go all earth age Neanderthal on me,” I exclaimed. “And anyways, he knows how I feel about you. I think he’s happy just to be friends.”
“Ha!” Jonaz snorted. “I’ve heard that one before. Oh wait, I’ve used that one before!”
“I don’t need a reminder of how you used to carry on,” I snapped in annoyance. Just the memory of all the girls who used to hurl themselves at Jonaz made me feel like throwing up on an empty stomach. Jonaz looked at me sharply for a moment, before his mouth curved up into its familiar smirk.
“Trust me, it takes one to know one and any half-wit could see he’s attracted to you.”
“Well so what if he is? I want to be with you and nothing is going to change that,” I replied peevishly. Honestly, didn’t he give me any credit? Jonaz was silent for a moment, simply holding my gaze. Avin looking at me like that earlier had made me feel confused and a little afraid. But when Jonaz looked at me, his endlessly deep eyes held such intensity my knees trembled and my mouth went dry.
“You’re right.” A slow smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. Suddenly he leaned towards me and captured my hands in his. “Please tell me you still have faith I’ll find a way.”
I shivered as he searched my face for the answer. Faith was the belief in something that seemed intangible, unreachable. It meant having faith our leaders would allow us to deny our matches and choose each other. I didn’t know if I could believe in that. Nevertheless, I had hope, hope in us. With all my heart, I wanted to believe we would find a way to change things for our generation and not just ourselves.
Jonaz suddenly leaned his face down to mine and my heart began to race. My breath caught in my throat as the room faded around me, the noise of voices a jumbled buzz as Jonaz took my face in his hands. Although I suspected he was touching me largely to make a point to Avin and even though I knew it was totally taboo and not the place for it, I really didn’t care. Anticipation rippled down my spine as Jonaz moved one hand to the small of my back, pressing me closer to him. I felt the sudden whoosh of air as I was yanked to my feet; the racket of whoops and gasps piercing my ears as if I’d just emerged from underwater. Looking dazedly up, I met the familiar hard eyes of Brazin. Then I looked at Jonaz who’d also been pulled away, by Maza. Jonaz stared at her as if he was unfazed by the trouble I knew we were in.
“Hmmmm. I’m not convinced that here was the right time.” I smirked at Jonaz.
“Oh yeah… well…whoops.” Jonaz winked at me.
“Would you two like a trip to solitary confinement?” Brazin’s big bass voice boomed down over me, causing me to flinch.
“I’m sure we would not,” I replied meekly. I figured at least one of us had to look apologetic.
“It’s my fault.” Jonaz’s smile, as he addressed Brazin, was wide and challenging. “I couldn’t resist her.”
“Yes and we all saw the level of resistance she just put up,” Maza snapped. She looked at me with pure dislike and I fought the urge to pull a face at her. Talk about fun patrol. Then I realized what a commotion we were making. Hundreds of eyes gazed eagerly at the scene, the tension crackling through the room while they waited to see what Maza would do. I knew we wouldn’t get away with it. We’d broken the rules, publicly displaying ‘amorous behaviour’ as they called it. Oh, and we were matched to other people. It would make them look totally ridiculous if they didn’t punish us.
“You are forbidden to have any further contact with each other,” Maza sentenced us. I felt my skin, which had been warm with passion a moment ago, turn icy cold. My hands flew up, covering my mouth as I looked over at Jonaz. His expression was no longer teasing, but dark with grim determination.
“What gives you the right to separate us?” Jonaz demanded. “We chose each other, by ourselves. We don’t need your system, because we made a choice. Why is it so wrong that we deserve to be punished?”
“You have blatantly disregarded our laws.” Maza’s voice was low, but it travelled firmly and resolutely through the room. “You’ve been warned and now you will stay away from each other. If you don’t obey, you will both be put into solitary confinement.” Her eyes, as she glared at me, shone with a mixture of meanness and triumph. No one would disobey the law under her watch, or challenge her authority. Her empty heart and loyal mind were chillingly clear. I lost my temper.
“Why should we submit our hearts, when we do everything else the Governing Body asks us to do?” I was barely aware of Brazin releasing his grip on my arm as I ranted. “We’ve given you our lives to protect Como, our bodies, our powers, and our obedience. Yet you still dictate when, how, and who we can be with? What more do you want from us? Where will it end?” My voice rang out sharp and defiant, echoing with bitterness throughout the space of the hall. For a moment, there was nothing but shocked silence. Then a low murmuring, a small buzz of resentment, began to swell and move. It rose up, a growing restless wave gathering momentum and volume as a sea of heads nodded or shook respectively.
“She’s right!”
“She’s a rebel, she should be thrown out!”
“But it’s true… we do everything they say.” The voices heaved up, cresting in a roar of unison, while I stood frozen in shock at what I’d started. I looked at Maza and saw her outrage, but much more importantly, I glimpsed a tiny flicker of fear. I understood exactly what she feared. Control. Or losing control. Whirling around she fixed her icy stare on Brazin, as if urging him to do something.
A few tables away, Shanna grinned at me with new respect in her rebellious eyes. Then she pursed her lips together and whistled, a long lone tune that cut a new path through the tension, the Comian sign of support. It quickly caught on. The back of my neck prickled, my pulse quickening as an eerie chorus of whistling filled the space where silence had been. The sound reverberated throughout the hall and through my bones, into my chest, touching my heart.
“Enough!” Brazin’s booming order rose over it all and then, as if on cue, officers appeared at every entrance to the hall, filing in out of nowhere. They seemed to press in from all sides and I experienced the foreboding sensation of being trapped, even though we were supposed to be here of our own free will.
The noise abruptly died down and was hushed. Nervous anticipation shone in the eyes of my fellow cadets as we waited to see what they would do next.
“This is not the time or the place for such protests,” Maza commanded with new authority. Her beady eyes roved the room like a searchlight, looking for any protesting gesture she could swoop in on. “You’re here to train for a war, not to indulge in selfish desires!” Darting towards me, she grabbed my arm and yanked me around to face her. From the corner of my eye I saw Jonaz start forward to intervene, but two more officers appeared in front of him, blocking his way.
“A soldier cannot be distracted by emotions. You are here for one reason only, to protect Como. Have you forgotten that already?” she demanded.
“No!” I cried, furious she would question it. I was even angrier that Brazin just stood by, saying nothing to defend me. Of all people, he understood what I’d gone through in order to be here. The memory itself subdued me, the fight beginning to seep out of me.
“Do you want to be here?” Maza’s voice was calmer, but still unarguable.
“Yes,” I answered quietly. “I want to be here.”
“Then I ask that you behave like it.” Maza let go of me and turned to the room of watchful eyes. “If you want to be here, follow the rules. Otherwise, you will be dealt with.” She pinned her icy gaze on Jonaz. “She is not your match. Your behaviour is therefore, unacceptable. Stay away from her, or she will reap the consequences. That is final.”
My heart sank in dismay as Jonaz glared at her in silence, his expression so frozen I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. She was clever. Clever enough to know he would toe the line to protect me. He didn’t answer her, but thankfully, she didn’t seem to require an actual response.
“Now, all of you get to training,” Maza said finally.
I watched numbly as everyone got up and walked without further protest from the hall, silent under the observation of the officers. But as they went, I couldn’t mistake the change in many of their faces. Confusion flickered, resentment shone, anything but mere acceptance. That could not be controlled. As they filed out I saw Avin and Shanna turned back to look at me. Avin’s expression was a mixture of hurt and something else… like maybe he thought he might have bitten off more than he could chew with me. But Shanna’s face shone with unbridled exhilaration, and I knew I’d just kindled the fire she’d been carefully building. More to the point, I had well and truly fanned the flames of her cause. I didn’t see how I could turn back now, or back down, because Shanna was right.