“IF YOU DON’T KNOW your body intimately,” Ben said, “then how do you expect to know what gives you pleasure?”
With her back against his chest, Ben held Jana’s gaze as they stood facing the full-length mirror of the sliding closet door. Their images were bathed in soft light from the bedside lamp in the other room, reminding him of a shadowed sensual portrait.
A sultry smile lifted her mouth. “Oh, I know what pleases me.”
He smoothed his hands down her arms. “Then tell me. What makes you fall apart?”
Apprehension filled her eyes. “Isn’t it obvious? You know, when I…when you make me…” She shrugged. “You know.”
A slight blush tinged her cheeks. He bit back a smile at her sudden bout of shyness. Less than half an hour ago in the restaurant, she hadn’t shown him an ounce of timidity when she’d announced exactly how close she’d been to orgasm.
His ploy to distract her from the uncomfortable subject of past relationships rated as a success, even if the solution had left him close to the brink himself. A punishment he fully deserved, he supposed, but the situation had called for drastic measures. He just hadn’t realized how much physical pain his act of desperation would cost him.
The red stretchy lace of her panties rode low across her hips and barely covered the delectable curve of her bottom. The swell of her breasts rose and fell above a matching lace bra that left very little to his overactive imagination. He had absolutely no objections.
He covered her dainty, delicate hands with his much larger ones, slowly gliding them over the swell of her hips. His fingertips traced her skin, soft, silky and warm to the touch. “I want you to feel what I do when I touch you.” He dipped his head and nipped gently at her shoulder. “Know what makes your body respond. What brings you close to the edge and what it takes to send you flying over the side.”
“Ben?” Apprehension laced her whispered voice.
He kissed the side of her neck. “Shhh,” he murmured. “Just open your mind to the possibilities.”
A night of sensual self-discovery required her absolute willingness to accompany him on the journey. Whether or not she realized it, she’d been gifting him with her trust from the moment they’d first met. Tonight, they’d test the limits. No reservations. No regrets. No holding back. Tonight, he wanted all of her.
Could he accept, without reservation or regret, the precious commodity he demanded from her? He hadn’t lied when he’d told her he’d never been close to marriage. The mere thought of a lifetime commitment usually gave him hives. While he wasn’t exactly ready to ask Jana to add Perry to her last name, he was highly suspicious of the stark loneliness that had hit him hard when he’d returned home to an empty house early this morning.
He’d gone on several runs after he’d left Jana on Thursday night, and had ended up bunking down at the firehouse to catch an hour or two of sleep before his regular shift on Friday. The squad had been ungodly busy with one call after another, and he’d put in another eighteen hours. When he’d started barking orders like an angry drill sergeant, the captain had had enough of him and threatened a week’s suspension if he showed his face at the firehouse before Monday morning. Ben didn’t believe Rick would actually suspend him, but when he started snapping at the squad from sheer exhaustion, he knew he’d better take a serious break before he completely alienated his men.
At first he’d convinced himself the only reason he’d decided to surprise Jana was to ensure he kept his distance from the firehouse for the next couple of days. This belief had been shattered by the sweet sound of her voice when she hadn’t yet realized he’d gotten into her hotel room. He had longed to be with her, sure, but how easily he’d accepted that knowledge made him think he should start checking for big red bumps on his body.
She tipped her head to the side, exposing more of the slim column of her throat. He nibbled, laved and kissed the delicate skin until she trembled.
With his hands still holding hers captive, he brought their intertwined fingers together up her hips and across her tummy. Slowly moving over her heated flesh to below her belly button, he dipped teasingly beneath the edge of cherry-colored lace. He stilled their hands as her eyes widened and her breath caught.
“I know you’re not ashamed of your body.” He eased their joined hands lower to sift through the blond curls hidden beneath her underwear. “Show me what you like, babe. Tell me how you want to be pleasured.”
She leaned against him, her bottom wedged tightly against his groin. The thoroughly sexy sight of her hands locked with his inching closer to her dewy center had him gritting his teeth. The intense pain and insistent throbbing of his erection made the idea of maintaining his control for much longer laughable.
The desire simmering in his veins turned hot and molten as together they explored her slick, moist folds. A deep groan of pure pleasure filled the air around them and he had no idea which of them had uttered the sound.
Her soft gaze filled with passion and remained transfixed on their reflection. Her lips parted and the breath eased out of her with a sensual rush of sound. Control slipped from his grasp. Need clawed him sharply. If he didn’t make her his soon, he’d go insane.
He pushed her further, reaching deeper to open her and accompany her on an exploration of a different level. “What do you feel, Jana?” He felt ready to come out of his skin and wasn’t sure how much longer he could last.
“Wet,” she whispered. She arched her back. “Swollen and wet.”
The combination of the warm flesh of her behind and delicate lace rasped against his erection. “So wet,” he murmured against her ear. Together they exposed the center of her, then pushed her even higher. “So hot.”
She whimpered as her body instantly contracted around the erotic invasion. “More?” he whispered in her ear.
“More.” She cried out as he answered her sensual demand. Her desperate plea tested his limits.
Using the pad of his thumb, he sought her most sensitive place and teased her closer to ultimate fulfillment. Her hips pressed downward, seeking more, needing more. Her breath came in short, hard pants as the tension in her body drew tighter.
“Don’t close your eyes,” he gently ordered her. “Watch yourself.”
“Don’t…don’t stop,” she demanded, her voice strained. A deep cry followed as she tensed, then flew apart. The pants of breath coalesced into high-pitched moans of total ecstasy. His control took a swan dive off the side of a cliff as her body exploded around their interlaced fingers, and she witnessed the awe and wonder in her own reflection.
He didn’t allow her body to cool, but turned her around and stripped off her panties before he lifted her so she could wrap her legs around his hips. Cupping her bottom in his hands, he pushed her back up against the wall, then guided her hot, moist heat down his rock-hard shaft until he was buried deep inside her.
She called out his name in a way that was purely primal and so filled with lust the sound shattered the wall surrounding his heart like a battering ram. She was totally and completely his, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.
Her fingers were like tiny knives digging relentlessly into his shoulders, but he never registered pain. Only pleasure. She could have ripped him to shreds and it wouldn’t have stopped him from guiding her hips harder, deeper down the length of his erection.
The last shred of his restraint crumbled. All that mattered was Jana and the beautiful intensity of the fierce giving and taking of their bodies and their hearts.
“Yes,” she hissed, then yelled his name so loud and free of inhibition he felt it reverberate through him. She shuddered around him, her feminine sheath clenching so tight, each contraction touched his soul. A fierce groan ripped from his chest and he thrust into her one last time, coming in a hot rush.
He rested his forehead against hers as the world slowly righted itself. Slowly, his senses resumed a semblance of normal function. The ringing in his ears stilled. The sound of her labored breathing penetrated the remnants of lust-induced fog. Or were those haggard breaths coming from him? He didn’t know and he didn’t care.
“Please tell me you’re on the Pill,” he managed once he caught his breath. He’d totally lost control, and although safety wasn’t an issue between them, he’d have only himself to blame for making love to her without the benefit of birth control.
“Yes,” she whispered.
The scent of their lovemaking registered, filling him with contentment now that she’d set his mind at ease. With their sated bodies still linked intimately together, he lifted his head and opened his eyes. His body instantly flexed the second he caught sight of their reflection in the mirror.
Her gaze met his and a weak smile turned up her mouth. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Humor laced her voice that had gone slightly hoarse. “I can barely breathe and you’re ready to go again.”
“Dammit, I love you,” he said without thinking.
A slight frown creased her brow suddenly. Wariness filled her eyes as she regarded him carefully.
Alarm coursed through him. What the hell did I just say? His heart thumped heavily in his chest. He had not used the L word. He hadn’t.
“Like this,” he added hastily.
She gave him a slow, gentle smile, chasing the caution from her gaze. “Like this how?”
Carefully, he untangled their limbs and eased her to the floor. “Pleasured,” he finally answered. “Very pleasured.” But that wasn’t completely true. Yes, he loved to see her sated, but…
She unhooked her bra, folded it neatly and set it on the luggage rack. “I’m going to take a shower.” She scooped up her panties and folded them, then walked into the bathroom. “Join me?” she asked, glancing over her shoulder.
“No,” he said. He wasn’t referring to her invitation, but the realization that his feelings for her obliterated a lifelong belief. He did possess a heart after all, and it’d taken Jana to go and steal it for him to realize he wasn’t emotionally bankrupt.
She shrugged, closed the door and the next thing he heard was the sound of running water. He couldn’t breathe. Hell, he couldn’t move. Shock did that to a guy.
Why? When? How?
Easy, he thought, as his heart rate calmed a fraction. Because she made it so simple to love her. The way her eyes danced with laughter, her easy smiles. How his heart always took an extra beat when her entire face lit up whenever she looked at him, even after he’d done something to tick her off. The way she refused to be bullied or let him have his way if it conflicted with her own wants, needs and desires. How she never hesitated to tell him when she thought he was wrong. He’d be a gray-haired old man before he could name each and every reason loving Jana was so damned easy.
So what was he supposed to do now? Deal with it and move on had been his method of coping for too many years for him to ignore. He couldn’t come up with a single reason why his m.o. should alter just because he’d let Jana into his heart. He had to deal with his feelings for her, and together they would move on to whatever came next.
He walked into the bathroom and yanked the shower curtain aside. “No,” he said to her again, determined she understand exactly what he’d meant.
She pulled her head out from under the spray of water. “I heard you the first time.” A frown creased her forehead when he refused to relinquish the shower curtain. “Do you mind? That air is cold.”
He stepped over the side of the tub and slid the curtain back. “I don’t love you like this.” His heart started thumping again and his hand actually trembled when he reached up to cup her cheek. God, he’d never been more nervous in his life. “I love you, Jana.”
No frown. No wariness. Just a heart-stopping smile as she leaned forward to brush her mouth over his in a feathery kiss.
“I love you, too.” She scooped the bar of soap from the holder and handed it to him. “But you’re still not off the hook for scaring me half to death this afternoon.”
The woman certainly knew how to extract mileage out of a grudge. “Okay,” he said and crossed his arms. “What is it going to take?”
Her eyes danced with laughter. “There is that back rub you’ve been promising me.”
“That could lead to other things, you know.”
She narrowed the distance between them and slid her arms around him, her fingers pressing into his backside to urge him closer. “I adore a man who plans ahead.”
“HE DID WHAT?”
Ben’s thunderous voice startled Jana out of a deep sleep. She bolted upright, wondering what had caused him to bellow like a ferocious bear.
“You can’t be serious.” A string of ripe curses followed. “I am not yelling,” he shouted into the receiver.
Yeah. Sounded like a whisper to her.
He sat on the edge of the bed with his feet planted on the floor and his back facing her. She didn’t need to see his face to understand he was furious about something. The extreme tenor of his voice and the tension radiating from him were pretty solid clues.
“Why are you calling me instead of Drew?” he asked whoever was on the other end. “Don’t be a smart-ass, Cale, just answer me.”
More ripe curses. Inventive ones, too.
“Yeah, whatever,” he snapped harshly.
Jana scooted off the bed and quietly crept into the bathroom. They only had a few hours left alone before they drove to L.A. together. They’d planned to visit the aquarium and Cannery Row in Monterey this afternoon. Since he obviously needed at least the illusion of privacy, she decided to shower and dress.
“And I’m supposed to be happy about it?” she heard him shout before she turned on the shower.
She stepped beneath the spray once the water heated to her satisfaction. She could still hear his voice, but the words were indecipherable now. Having been up close and personal with his temper herself, she couldn’t help but feel a stab of pity for whoever had disappointed him. And that, she realized suddenly, was his biggest flaw. Ben had dozens of exemplary qualities, with the exception of a shortage of coping skills when other people failed to live up to the expectations he had for them. Something she understood all too well having been there herself.
Spending time alone with Ben had been absolutely wonderful, and ranked high on her list of most incredible and memorable experiences. He loved her. Not just physically, but with his heart. She’d known how much it had cost him to tell her, too. The sheer terror on his face when those three little words had slipped out had been a dead giveaway.
She’d played it cool and hadn’t let on that he hadn’t fooled her with that panicked like this addendum. Although she had wondered if the words he’d blurted had been one of those caught-up-in-the-moment declarations he’d regret later. As her mother had constantly drilled into her and her sisters, a man would say just about anything if it involved sex, so the possibility existed.
She had no idea what the future held. Sure, they loved each other, but what came next, if anything? This morning had been the first time she’d ever woken up with him. Although she could definitely grow accustomed to having him in bed beside her, they were nowhere near ready to start shopping for china patterns. They weren’t even close to considering cohabitation as the next logical step in their relationship.
By the time she stepped from the shower, the angry outbursts had stopped. She wrapped a towel around her wet hair, then another around her body and left the bathroom. Her heart sank to the pit of her stomach. The closet door stood open, with four empty hangers rocking back and forth on the bar.
She walked as far as the edge of the wall, then propped her shoulder against the cool plaster. In the time it’d taken her to clean up, he’d finished his phone call, dressed and had started packing.
“Change of plans?” she asked, unable to keep the disappointment from her voice.
He stuffed the shirts inside the canvas bag without bothering to fold them. The jeans and khakis suffered the same fate. “I’m sorry I woke you,” he said shortly.
She was more sorry to see him packing. And walking out on her—again. “Something happen at work?” Her disappointment segued into a perfect rendition of resentment.
Which he caught. “Does it make a difference?” He chucked his shaving kit into the bag and looked up at her. His pale-blue eyes were as icy cold as his voice.
She pushed off the wall and shrugged. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly. The call had been from his brother, but considering they worked together, it was entirely possible Ben was leaving because of his job. “Maybe.”
He regarded her dispassionately for a few more seconds. Was it her imagination, or did she really feel him starting to slip away from her? She had no idea how to stop him, or if she should even try.
“It’s my brother,” he finally said. He yanked the zipper of his bag closed.
“Drew?” she asked, instantly concerned. “Is he all right?”
“No,” he snapped at her. “He’s out of his friggin’ mind.”
Thoroughly confused, she dropped to the edge of the bed near the canvas bag. “Ben, what’s going on?”
He let out a harsh breath and rammed his fingers through his hair. “He’s married,” he said without an ounce of warmth. “I knew he’d picked out a ring. I expected to hear he was engaged, not married. And not like this.”
It seemed to her he should be celebrating, not storming around like a petulant child who didn’t get his way. “I don’t mean to be obtuse, but I don’t understand why you’re so upset. I would think you’d be happy for him.”
He narrowed his gaze. “You sound like Cale.” From the rough tone of his voice, she didn’t think he’d just paid her a compliment. “Why should I be happy that Drew blew off his responsibilities? He was supposed to take the fire detectives exam yesterday.”
Men were too thick-headed for their own good. “Ben, your brother eloped. That’s something to celebrate.”
He gave her a look that clearly questioned her mental state. “Celebrate?”
“He can always take the exam later. Besides,” she added, “if you knew he was planning to ask this woman to marry him, what’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is he ran off like he had something to hide.”
Thick and dense. “Eloping isn’t about hiding anything.” She smiled as she rose from the bed. “Eloping is all about being so in love that you can’t wait to start your life together.”
His frown deepened. Obviously he didn’t share her romantic views on the subject. “He has responsibilities.”
She crossed the room to the dresser and pulled open the drawer. “To who?” she asked, dropping the towel and slipping into a pair of navy-blue cotton panties. “You?”
She ignored him as she fastened the matching bra, then dug a thick navy sweater from the next drawer and pulled it over her head. “Oh, my God,” she said, disentangling the towel she’d forgotten was still wrapped around her hair. “That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? You’re ticked because Drew didn’t tell you he was eloping.”
He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at her, his expression thunderous. Uh-oh. She’d hit a nerve. With precise accuracy, too.
She let out a sigh and moved toward him. “Ben, your brother is a grown man.”
“I know that,” he said. “I helped get him there.”
She laid her hand over his arm, but he didn’t respond to her touch. He just continued to glare at her, the expression in his eyes so glacial she fought off a shiver.
“He doesn’t need your permission to get married.” She dropped her hand to her side. “Whether or not he takes some test is his business now. It’s not your job to control his life any longer.”
“I never said I wanted to control his life.”
“Not in so many words. Look, I do get it. You were forced into a position where you had to look out for your brothers, and I respect that. You were just a kid, yet you held their lives together by assuming responsibility for them. You didn’t have a choice then. But you do now. It’s time for you to let go and allow them to grow.”
He spun away from her and stormed across the room to the window. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Just because he kept his back to her didn’t alleviate the deep chill in his words. Or the warning that she’d ventured into treacherous terrain.
She’d never backed down from his blustering before, and she wasn’t about to start now. “Oh, I think I do,” she told him. “If you keep everything under control, then nothing can fall apart. Well guess what? The world won’t stop spinning if you let go of it for once.”
He looked over his shoulder at her, then turned to face her completely. “There’s only one control freak in this room. I’m not the one who keeps the contents of my fridge alphabetized.”
She folded her arms and tilted her hip to the side. Then she threw in a narrow-eyed glare for good measure. “Oh, now there’s an intelligent response. Don’t you dare bite my head off because I’ve brought up something you’re unwilling to face.”
“You weren’t there, Jana. You don’t know what it was like.”
“Maybe I don’t, but I know that your big speech of dealing with it and moving on is a load of bull. And I thought I had baggage. You’ve got a steamer trunk full of it.” She let him stew on that for a minute while she went to the closet for her jeans.
After she shrugged into the heavy denim, she walked toward him. “You know, Ben, this goes way beyond older-sibling syndrome. You think if you’re in control then things can’t fall apart? Well, life just doesn’t work that way. We don’t have that kind of power.”
“You’re wrong,” he said.
“I don’t think so,” she argued. “Your dad still died, Ben. You were in control, but you couldn’t save him, even from himself. When are you going to forgive yourself for something that wasn’t even your fault?”
Fury burned in his gaze. “Don’t push me, Jana,” he warned coldly.
She was ready to push his stubborn hide out the window. At least he was fighting with her and not shutting her out where she couldn’t attempt to make him see more clearly. “You wanted me off the investigation because you were afraid I’d tell you that you hadn’t been in control of the situation. You were in control, and Fitz still died. How long are you going to carry that one around?”
A muscle ticked in his jaw. He looked as if he wanted to stuff a sock in her mouth just to shut her up—or maybe throw her out the window.
He stormed to the bed and grabbed the canvas bag. “I have to go.”
She followed him to the door. “And do what?” she sniped at him. “Punish Drew by taking away his TV privileges for a week because he was a naughty boy?”
He slowly turned toward her. “Be careful, Jana,” he said, his tone low and filled with a warning she couldn’t possibly mistake. “You won’t like it if I push back.”
Her patience with him reached the limit, then snapped like a dry twig. “Why did you even bother to come here if all you’re going to do is run out the first chance you get?”
He dropped the canvas bag with a dull thud. “Because,” he said, leaning toward her until they were practically nose to nose, “I was ordered to take time off.”
She held her ground. “Oh? So what are you saying? I was a convenient substitute? A diversion?”
He stared at her, his eyes so cold and hard, she almost wished he’d start blustering again. Anything to let her know he felt something.
His silence ripped her heart to shreds.
“You bastard,” she fired at him. “I will not be a convenience for you or any man.” God, she almost wished he hadn’t told her he’d loved her. Maybe then she could breathe.
He shrugged, then stooped to pick up his bag before turning and tugging open the door.
“Dammit, Ben. Stay here and finish this.”
Nothing in his eyes as he looked over his shoulder at her on the way out the door resembled the warm, caring man she’d fallen so helplessly in love with.
“We are finished,” he said, before he walked out of her life.