IT TOOK Ben just under six hours to make the drive from Carmel to L.A. By the time he pulled up in front of Cale and Amanda’s place in Hermosa Beach, the sun had already begun to set on the horizon, casting long shadows on the house. His temper cooled on the long drive, which made way for a nagging conscience branded with the image of Jana’s eyes filling with a deep pain. He’d been a fool. He’d let her believe she was no more important to him than a convenient roll in the hay.
It’d taken three-hundred-plus miles for him to realize nothing could be further from the truth.
Provided she’d even speak to him again, he had some serious apologizing ahead of him. But now that she’d finally been acquainted with the cold-hearted bastard he really could be, he expected her to tell him exactly where to go, and what he could do once he got there.
She might have pushed hard on a hot button he hadn’t realized existed, but he accepted full responsibility for his behavior. Why hadn’t she just let him be? He would’ve come back to L.A., dealt with Drew, and everything would have been fine between them. Instead, she’d pushed him to the limit of his patience. She’d prodded until she’d unearthed things better left buried, then dragged them out and poked some more. She’d not only found the scar of a wound he’d thought healed years ago, she’d sliced it open, then stood back to watch him bleed.
He cut the engine and left his truck parked in the sloped drive behind Drew’s SUV. Amanda’s new convertible was missing, which probably meant that only his brothers were waiting for him.
Waiting for him to what? Tell Drew what a mistake he’d made because he’d blown off something as important as his career? That he wasn’t ready for marriage and an instant family? Or maybe, Ben thought suddenly, Jana was right. The reason he’d really driven back to L.A. in record time was because Drew had made a life-altering decision without consulting him first, meaning he was no longer needed.
He walked toward the rear of the house without any concrete answers. All he did know was that he didn’t have the energy for another emotional battle. He was still recovering from the last one only hours ago.
He pushed through the gate to the backyard. Pearl, Cale’s black Lab mix, greeted him by barreling around the side of the house, barking excitedly until he bent down to pet her. “At least someone’s happy to see me,” he told the dog, then gave her thick side a hearty rub.
Cale waited for him on the covered patio. “You look like hell.”
Made sense, Ben thought, because he sure felt that way. He hadn’t bothered to shave, just packed his gear, stomped all over Jana’s pride, then walked out on her.
“Hello to you, too,” he groused at Cale. For once, Cale kept his mouth shut. Maybe Amanda had taught him some manners.
Pearl trotted into the house ahead of them, found her giant stuffed pillow and made a few circles before finally settling down with a gusty groan. Cale’s fixer-upper had come a long way. The house had always been comfortable, but there was a more welcoming feel to it now, which Ben credited to Amanda’s touch.
Framed movie posters and other film memorabilia decorated the walls of the recently remodeled den. He spied a new addition, a framed page from a movie script, autographed by one of the starring actors. Circling a square coffee table were a pair of matching sofa recliners and a leather chair, arranged for optimum viewing in front of the big-screen television.
He attempted to shoo one of the black-and-white cats from the chair, but the feline meowed at him in protest, refusing to budge. “Stubborn female,” he muttered, then dropped wearily on one of the sofas. “Where’s Drew?” he asked Cale.
“Upstairs.” Cale sat on the other sofa and stretched his arms along the back. “He’ll be down in a minute.”
Several books and a spiral binder filled with notes littered the coffee table. He picked up one of the books and looked at his brother. “Hot Sex and How to Do It Right Every Time?” he read aloud. “Amanda branching out from suspense novels?”
“Research,” Cale said, then grinned. “It’s for her next book. An erotic thriller.”
Amanda had been one of Cale’s strays. She’d been in the wrong place at the wrong time when a paint-and-wallpaper-supply warehouse had caught fire. She’d had amnesia, caused by a head injury, and Cale had taken her in until she recovered her memory, which had returned in the guise of the main character of the novel she’d been researching.
Ben set the how-to manual back on the table and managed a half-hearted chuckle. “Knowing the way she absorbs her research, I don’t think I want to know any more,” he told his brother. “I didn’t see her car.”
A scruffy orange ball of fluff sprang over the arm of the sofa to land in Cale’s lap. “She and Tilly took Emily over to Debbie’s.” Cale winced and eased the cat to the cushion when she tried to use his legs to sharpen her claws. “Something about an indoctrination for Emily’s first girls’ night in.”
Sounded more like Amanda was protecting Emily—from him. He had nothing against Emily. He hardly knew her, something that would be remedied now that she’d married Drew.
Drew came down the stairs and walked into the den. He carried a plastic bottle of soda in one hand and two bottles of beer in the other.
“Tilly ever tell you what they do over there?” Cale asked, taking the beer Drew handed him.
“Not really. Eat chocolate. Paint their toenails. OD on chick flicks all night.” Drew shrugged. “They could dance naked under the moon for all we know.” He handed Ben a chilled amber bottle. “Thought you might like a cold one after such a long drive.”
Ben nodded his thanks. He set the unopened bottle on the table and stood, extending his hand to his brother. “Congratulations, Drew.”
Drew shook his brother’s hand, although caution filled his eyes. “Thanks.”
Ben couldn’t help but notice that, whether consciously or not, Drew had chosen to sit near Cale. A united front, he thought. Against him.
“You should have told me you were getting married,” he said to Drew. He tried not to sound as if he was lecturing, but he couldn’t completely mask the censure in his tone.
Cale twisted the cap off his beer. “What’s the point of eloping if you announce it to everyone?”
“Not everyone,” Ben said. He glanced at Cale, then shifted his attention back to Drew. “Your family.”
A family that had grown in the past year, and would continue to grow as Cale and Amanda, and now Drew and Emily, started families of their own. A sharp pang pierced his heart. So where did that leave him?
Drew propped his foot over his knee and gave him a level stare. “Emily and I decided to elope because she’s already starting to show. With the opening of her new ad agency scheduled for the first of the year, and the baby due late March, when were we supposed to plan a wedding?”
Ben looked hard at his youngest brother. “Couldn’t you have waited a week?” he asked him. “At least then you wouldn’t have blown off the exam.”
“So I’ll take it in six months when it’s offered again.” Drew shrugged. “Even if I pass, I still have to wait for an opening and go through the interview process.”
“But you’ll have priority,” Ben reminded him. “It could be a year or more before you make detective now.” Drew had a rare talent for reading a burn, and Ben hated to see him waste it. “You’re really willing to wait that long?”
“If it takes a year, it takes a year,” Drew said impatiently. “I don’t care if it takes two years. Emily is what matters. She’s more important to me than leaving arson for the fire detective’s squad.”
Ben wanted to understand his brother’s reasoning, but he couldn’t grasp why Drew was so willing to put his career on hold. The elopement made sense, although Ben still would’ve preferred to have been informed beforehand. So he could’ve tried to change Drew’s mind? Or had he gone off the deep end today because he didn’t want to face the truth—that his brothers no longer needed him?
Ben looked over at Cale. “You haven’t said much.”
“If he wants to wait a year to defect to the other side and become a blue canary, that’s his business. Drew and Emily have to make that decision,” Cale said, his gaze intent. “I know I’d never make a career move like that without first talking it over with Amanda.”
“It’s going to be hard enough on Em with a new baby and starting her own ad agency,” Drew added. “Changing jobs now would make it a lot harder on her. I’d be looking at long hours and I can’t do that to her when she’s going to need me to be there for her.”
“What about your responsibility to yourself?” Ben asked him. “What about what you want?”
“Emily and the baby are my responsibility. I want what’s best for them.”
Ben let out a sigh and leaned back against the cushion. He scrubbed his hand down his face and didn’t bother to remind Drew that he’d sacrificed his chance to become a fire detective for a kid that wasn’t even his. Apparently the baby’s paternity made little difference to his brother.
Emily had been pregnant when she and Drew had met. The father, Emily’s ex-boyfriend, lived in New York. Drew had told Ben recently that Emily and the father still hadn’t made any firm decisions regarding visitation and custody. Surely his brother had to realize the problems they could be facing.
“What about what’s best for you?” he asked Drew.
Drew’s bright-green eyes hardened with determination. “You’re my brother, and I love and respect you. God only knows what would’ve happened if you hadn’t been there for us. But Emily is my wife, Ben. If you can’t accept that…”
“I don’t object to your marriage,” he told Drew wearily, and he meant it. He’d already alienated one person he loved today, and that was one too many. “I’m only worried you’ve taken on more than you realize, and given up a whole lot more.”
Drew set his bottle of soda on the table with a sharp click. “That’s not your job anymore.” He shot off the sofa, his eyes glittering with frustration. “In case you haven’t looked around lately, Cale and I have been taking care of ourselves for a while now.”
Drew walked to the sliding-glass door. For a minute, Ben thought he’d leave, but he braced his arm above his head on the doorjamb and stared into the backyard.
The world won’t stop spinning if you let go of it for once.
Drew’s argument and Jana’s words slammed into him like a freight train. They were both right, he realized reluctantly. He was trying to hold on—desperately. Not because looking out for his brothers was all he knew, but if he held on a little tighter this time, if he kept them even closer, then just maybe he’d be able to keep them safe. But, as Jana had bluntly pointed out, life simply didn’t work that way. He really didn’t have that kind of power. Maybe the time had come for him to let go and stop assuming responsibility for things he had no control over.
Just because Drew had run off to get married without consulting him first didn’t have to mean he was losing his brother, either. His relationship with Cale hadn’t changed when he’d married Amanda a few weeks ago. Losing his brothers wasn’t what had him running scared; it was the fear of no longer having a purpose in their lives.
Cale set his beer on the table and looked over his shoulder at Drew. “Let me see if I can put this in terms even he might understand.”
Drew glanced in their direction, his expression skeptical. “Good luck.”
“Being married is like being on a team.” Cale propped his bare feet on the edge of the coffee table. “But instead of eleven guys on a football field, or a squad of firefighters, there’s only two of you on this team. When a save is made on the job, the whole team gets the credit. When there’s a problem, the team pulls together to find a solution. Marriage is that way, too. You work together.”
Drew came back to the sofa and sat. “That was good,” he said to Cale.
“Thanks.” Cale grinned. “I do have my moments.”
Ben didn’t know whether to strangle the two of them or laugh. “Okay,” he said in defeat. “I get it. I’m only concerned about your future, Drew. I know how much you wanted to make the move.”
“The job will be there when the time is right for me,” Drew answered.
Cale laced his fingers behind his head. “There’s more to life than work, Ben. I heard Rick had to threaten you with a suspension to get you to take some time off.”
Both of his brothers looked at him with concern. “If you burn out, then what do you have?” Drew asked him.
“You know, you’re not the only one in this family who worries,” Cale added.
This wasn’t supposed to be about him. And he certainly didn’t like that his brothers were worried about him, either.
“Keep it up, and you’ll end up with a forced retirement,” Cale warned him. “Then what are you going to do? Hang out with the tribal elders and guzzle coffee all day?”
“At his age?” Drew winced. “Now that would be pathetic.”
“Okay, I get the point,” Ben said. The tribal elders were retired firefighters who spent much of their time hanging around the firehouse. Most spewed words of wisdom and offered sage advice. They were respected and revered by the actives for their experience and years of service. Ben was far too young to join the tribe, and he didn’t want to waste his life reliving glory days over bad cups of coffee because that was all he had. “I’ll work on getting a life. Happy?”
“Why don’t you get yourself a wife,” Drew suggested. “Let someone take care of you for a change.”
“That OSHA babe’s a hottie,” Cale said, then exchanged a blatant, conspiratorial look with Drew.
“Who will probably never speak to me again,” Ben admitted. Which was more than he deserved after the way he’d treated her.
Cale chuckled. “Showed her your winning personality, didn’t you?”
“Something like that,” Ben muttered. He straightened and snagged the beer from the table. Twisting off the cap, he took a long drink.
“Well?” Drew prompted impatiently.
“We had an argument.” Because she was stubborn, infuriating, and she insisted on dragging the demons out of the closet to prove they were still there after all. She wanted him to resurrect a past he’d already buried, because she’d known he’d never fully laid it to rest. Although he’d only been a kid, he’d dealt with the loss of his parents and the aftermath in an adult manner. There was a world of difference, he realized, and that was something he planned to correct immediately.
Cale shook his head. “Uh-uh,” he said. “No way. You don’t argue. You try to bully me and Drew around, but when it comes to women, you’re tighter than a virgin.”
“He argues with her,” Drew told Cale.
Cale let out a low whistle. “Wow,” he said, his blue eyes widening in surprise. “This really is serious.”
Ben did not appreciate his brothers speculating about his relationship with Jana as if he weren’t even in the room. “Butt out,” he warned them. They didn’t even glance his way.
“You missed them in action at the firehouse,” Drew continued. “We could hear them shouting all the way upstairs. You know, she might even have a temper quicker to fire than Amanda’s.”
Because she’s so passionate, Ben thought. About everything. When Jana believed in something, or someone, she allowed her passionate nature to rule her. She relied on her instincts, and she didn’t believe in holding back, either. All of which translated to a never-ending roller-coaster ride, filled with ups, downs and every possible emotion in between. Life with her would never be boring.
Life without her would be damned lonely.
“You aren’t looking so good.” The concern in Cale’s voice dragged Ben away from his miserable thoughts. “Is it that bad?”
Ben drained the last of his beer and set the empty bottle on the table. If Jana was there, she’d flip because he hadn’t used a coaster. “She thinks she’s a convenience,” he said. “I didn’t say anything to change her mind.”
At least Drew had the decency to show a modicum of sympathy. Until he started laughing. “You are so screwed.”
Cale didn’t bother with compassion. “He won’t be anytime soon,” he said with a hearty laugh.
“Groveling helps,” Drew offered, looking a little too sheepish. Memories of his own mistakes he’d made with Emily, no doubt.
“Flowers are good,” Cale added, “but I think this calls for jewelry, old man.”
Drew dug into his hip pocket and pulled out his wallet. He extracted a business card and slid it across the table. “You’re going to need this.”
Ben picked up the card. “A jeweler?”
“No lingerie,” Cale’s voice held a distinct warning. “Whatever you do, don’t give a woman anything that makes her think you want sex when she’s ticked off at you.”
“Big mistake,” Drew agreed.
Ben wasn’t accustomed to admitting he’d been wrong, nor was he used to receiving advice from his brothers. That’d always been his role. Today, he was grateful for their expertise.
“You think it might work?” He’d try anything if it meant having Jana back in his life.
Cale and Drew shared a smile, as if they were privy to a private joke—and he was the punch line.
“What do you have to lose?” Drew’s grin widened. “Other than your pride.”