CHAPTER 9

Bringing Everyone to the Table

If there isn’t a seat at the table for me, I’m making my own table.

—Nabela Noor, digital content creator

If there’s one thing that I hope has come across so far in this book, it is that you are truly not alone in your process of dreaming big and achieving your dreams. You are part of a community—a community that starts with your close circle of family, friends, confidants, mentors, and other supporters, and then ranges all the way out to include the entirety of humanity. These communities can be incredibly helpful—and often even necessary—in achieving your dreams and goals. Nobody achieves anything alone—we all need others.

But being part of a community doesn’t only mean that you get support, belief, and help from others—it also gives you an obligation to contribute back! In some of this book’s earlier chapters, we explored some of the ways that we, as dreamers and doers, can give back and contribute positively to our communities—we’ve talked about things like being disruptors (remember that from chapter 4?) and being role models and mentors to others (just a few pages back in chapter 8!). In this chapter, we’ll take a look at another important way that we can both benefit from and contribute to our communities: by being aware of our differences, and actively working to bring others (especially those who are different from us) to the table along with us.

This is something that each and every one of us can do, regardless of where we are in the process of achieving our dreams, what our specific dreams are, or any other unique individual factor. This chapter will talk about both why and how you (yes, you!) can bring everyone to the table so that you can get right to being your awesome self, chasing your dream, and giving back to your community.

WHAT IS THE TABLE?

But wait—what’s this “table” I’ve just mentioned? And what does it actually mean to “have a seat at the table” or to “bring others to the table”? You may—or may not—have heard these phrases thrown around before, but even if you have, they might still be a bit confusing. So let’s talk about what they actually mean!

The first thing to know is that when people use these phrases, they usually aren’t talking about a literal table, but rather about a metaphorical table where you and other decision makers and leaders gather to set the future in motion. At its core, saying that someone has a seat or a spot at the table means that that person (you!) has credibility, influence, and decision-making abilities. It implies that you have the power to have your voice be heard and respected—and that can mean your actual, literal voice, or it can mean that your opinions and ideas get taken into consideration. Your seat at the table gives you an active role in effecting change, accomplishing things, and setting the agenda for what comes next.

Since having a seat at the table is all about getting a say in what happens, it seems pretty obvious that you’d want that for your own dream and future. In fact, everything we’ve been talking about up until now in this book should help give you ways to do just that! So, why then are we focusing in on this idea for a whole new chapter? Well, for two main reasons: First, because it’s incredibly helpful for your dream, and your ability to achieve that dream, to have other people at your table offering up a range of different opinions and ideas. And second, because it’s also a great thing to sit at the tables of other people’s dreams, or even to help create those tables in the first place, so that those around you can reach for their own dreams as well!

WHO SITS AT THE TABLE?

Now you know what this magical table is, and what it means to have a seat at it. But at this point you’re probably wondering: Who all gets to sit at the table, how do they get that seat, and why? The answer to these questions, of course, depends on whose table you’re talking about—so to keep it simple, let’s look at who gets a seat at your table. As we just saw, this table is a metaphor for the group of people who have the power to make and implement decisions. Given that, the very first seat at your table should go to . . . you! One of the beautiful things about following your dream is that you don’t have to ask anyone else for a seat—instead, you get to make your own table and sit at the head of it! This means that you steer the ship, make the final decisions, and choose who else sits with you.

So far you’re the only one sitting at the table you’ve made, but I’m sure you’ll agree with me that you want to fill your table up with people who will help you reach your dream. These people might include the mentors and role models from chapter 8; your parents or other family members; your teachers, coaches, advocates, peers, and many more—it’s completely up to you who you invite and involve in advising and guiding you on your path to your dream.

There are lots of options out there, clearly, but here’s one key idea to keep in mind: every single person you share your table with should be someone who will lift you up. And here’s another super important thing to consider: as you’re filling out the seats at your table, one of the most crucial things to do is to create space for people who are different from you, and then value the unique perspective and abilities that these differences give us all. Truly, making space for other people who come from different backgrounds, possess different abilities and resources, and have had different experiences makes us smarter, more capable, and all around better—and in turn is incredibly helpful for you and your ability to reach your dream!

CREATING A DIVERSE TABLE

Let’s talk for a minute about what having different people at your table means, and what diversity can look like. Diversity, at its core, is merely the state of being made up of different components. Which is really cool because, when you think about it, there’s nothing more human than being different. Truly, no single human is a carbon copy of another. All the way down to the very smallest molecules that make us up, we are all unique individuals. This is even true of identical twins—despite looking identical and having started out as the same zygote (a fertilized egg cell), identical twins do not actually have completely identical DNA! And it’s not just our physical components that make us different and unique—we all have different histories and life experiences, different cultures we grew up in or currently exist in, different ways of thinking, different skills and capabilities, and so much more. These are the things that make us who we are—and who we each are is completely different from anyone else.

We’re all different, and as such, we’re all a part of the diversity of humanity. Need further convincing that each and every one of us adds to our communal or even global diversity? Take a look at this list of just some of the areas that diversity includes, and ask yourself if you see differences between yourself and anyone else you know in one (or more) of these categories: race, gender, sexual orientation, language/language abilities, education, physical ability, neurological ability, religion, age, nationality, socioeconomic status, and culture.

All of these dissimilarities among us result in different viewpoints, different ways of thinking, different ways of approaching problems and coming up with solutions, access to and retention of different kinds of knowledge and resources, and more. Because of that, as we gather at our metaphorical tables, we each bring something different with us—and any one background, set of life experiences, or skill set alone will not be as helpful and powerful as a collection of them combined together could be. We are all better when we recognize, respect, and value the ways that people who are different from us can positively enhance our own skills, abilities, opinions, and more. And we are better off when we invite and welcome a diverse range of voices to the table.

Imagine, for instance, that your dream is to start your own company—maybe a home bakery. As you’re trying to make that happen, think: Who would you want to sit at your table for this endeavor? How successful do you think your bakery business would be if the only people you involved in it were friends of yours who all loved baking desserts just like you do? I’m sure your cupcakes, macarons, and anything else you created would all be to-die-for delicious, but that wouldn’t matter if you had a hard time spreading the word about your business, budgeting your expenses, or doing lots of other non-baking-related things that would all be necessary for your dream to be a success. Now imagine if, instead, you had a table filled with people representing diverse backgrounds and viewpoints—the possibilities for your bakery open up way wider!

Maybe a friend of yours is from Turkey and has an incredible recipe for making baklava that you can add to your menu. Maybe another person you know is a really great artist, or a great writer, and can help come up with ads and flyers to spread the word about the bakery. Maybe someone else in your community doesn’t know a whole lot about baking but has a mind for numbers or organization and can help manage the business. The possibilities are endless! The more diverse experiences, skill sets, and opinions you bring to the table, the better off you’ll be. And this doesn’t just hold true for big, involved, or complex dreams (like starting a business). I guarantee you that, in some way or another, your dream, no matter how big, small, or in-between it is, is just like that hypothetical home bakery business—you will be more successful at chasing after and accomplishing it if you ensure that your table has a wide diversity of people with different skills, life experiences, interests, and abilities.

Here’s one out-there way of thinking about all of this: an intriguing result of having had humans living in space for the past couple of decades is that we’ve learned that what we might think of as “everyday” things are not actually so commonplace when you’re living in space. Some of the things that we take for granted, that we probably do subconsciously and never even give a second thought to, are completely different—and often much more difficult—for someone in space. For example, did you know that the types of socks that astronauts wear are different from those we wear here on Earth? Astronauts in space live in microgravity—basically, they’re floating all the time! This means that if they want to stay in one place (to eat, to type on a computer, or to do any other type of work) they need to be strapped in or holding on to something to avoid floating away. But astronauts can’t always give up a hand to hold themselves in place—can you imagine how difficult it would be to do everything one-handed? Instead, they use their feet to hook onto railings, doorways, or anything else they can reach to help hold themselves in place.

But while using their feet to stay put is a great solution to the problem of constantly floating away in microgravity, it also comes with drawbacks. It can cause pain and even damage after a while, and astronauts can actually end up with calluses on the tops of their feet instead of the bottoms! Pretty wild, right? To counter this, astronauts have special socks that they can wear to help redistribute some of the pressure across their feet to avoid overusing any one spot.

The reason I’m telling you this weird story about space feet isn’t just because I think it’s really cool and interesting (though it totally is), but because I think that it highlights how differently two people can experience what might seem at first glance like the same event or action—and how those differing experiences can be based on specific circumstances or environments. Putting on socks is probably one of the things that many of us do every day without even thinking about it. We take our socks for granted because we’ve never had to think or worry about how important they might be. If you’re out of fresh socks, or can’t find any, or for any other reason decide not to put on your socks on any given day, it’s generally no big deal. But this isn’t true for astronauts in space—space socks are absolutely vital to their comfort and long-term health! Our experiences living on Earth are completely different from the experiences of people living in space.

But while the comparison between living on Earth and living in space makes it relatively easy to see just how different people can experience the same basic thing in wildly different manners, this phenomenon is definitely not reserved just for drastic differences in living locations—it occurs in every single part of our lives. Just like how you might not have realized how important socks can be to one particular group of people, other people might not even know to think about particular things that concern you or become a factor in your everyday life. There are people who might struggle with things that you’ve never thought to struggle with, or that are easy, accessible, or second nature to you but may not be to everyone else.

And this all comes back to creating a diverse table for yourself and for others. The idea of bringing everyone to the table is centered around understanding that each of us is a unique individual and that we all have different histories, different perspectives, and different experiences in the world. It means being open to thinking about and learning about these differences, and then using that knowledge both to help our own dreams grow in a way that takes others’ ideas into account, and to do what we can to alleviate some of the struggles or barriers that we don’t personally face but that others do. Bringing everyone to the table means trying to bridge the gaps we face in order to give each and every one of us equal footing and an equal shot at achieving our dreams.

Recognize Diversity in Your Life!

Think of someone in your life who is different from you—maybe they are a different race, have a different religion, or live in a different environment, or maybe they just have a different set of skills, passions, and interests. Write down the ways that they have improved or impacted your life—big or small—and how the thing that makes them different from you brought something new to the table that you would not have been able to bring on your own, with your own unique experiences and passions.

 

HOW TO BRING EVERYONE TO THE TABLE

We’ve established what the table is, who gets to sit at it, and why different voices are important to include. So now the big question becomes: How can I implement this? As with many of the other skills we’ve talked about in this book, the thought might seem daunting—but luckily, there are lots of different ways to go about doing this! Let’s dive in and take a look at few ideas here, and then you can pick the one (or more!) that sounds like the best fit for your own life and dream.

Use Your Voice!

Having a seat at the table (whether your own or someone else’s) means that you are in a position to have your voice be heard. This is an exciting opportunity, and not one that everyone gets, so it’s up to you to advocate both for yourself and for those who might otherwise feel voiceless. Speaking up for those who may not yet have found their voice can help to bring others to the table, because it gives them the space to find their bearings at whatever table they’re joining. Don’t waste the opportunity to use your voice to make change for yourself and others in your community!

You can do this in a number of ways, but there’s one that I’ve found to be extremely effective and also pretty simple: ask questions, frequently. Some questions might feel silly to ask, or seem daunting for some particular reason, but I promise you that there is basically no question not worth asking. And in addition to the questions having value to you personally, asking questions helps the people around you too! Here’s something to think about: that question that you were hemming and hawing over, trying to decide whether it was important or worthwhile enough to ask? I guarantee that you’re not the only one who had that question, or the only one who learned from the answer. Think about it this way—can you remember a time in your life when you had a question that you were wondering about but weren’t confident enough to ask, but then someone else asked that same question and you felt grateful to hear the answer? Well, that happens more often than you might think, to many people and for many reasons. All of which is to say, when you use your voice to ask questions, everyone benefits!

Asking questions isn’t the only way to use your voice (not by far!). One other method that I’d like to highlight here, because it’s just so important, is: voice your opinions. Your thoughts and opinions matter! Truly, they do—you absolutely have a right to your own unique and individual ideas, preferences, suggestions, and more. And while this is always true, it’s even more important in regard to your own dream. When you speak up, you contribute your own element into the diverse mix of the table that you’re sitting at, which benefits everyone sitting around it, and can have an impact on your own dream or on someone else’s. Sharing your thoughts and opinions with others (which is to say, voicing your opinions!) will both positively help you and help to bring others to the table!

Nabela Noor is an international sensation as a beauty blogger, digital content creator, and activist for inclusivity, diversity, and equality. She has millions of followers on social media, has worked with major beauty brands, and even founded a nonprofit to provide housing, education, and other necessary resources to people living in poverty in her family’s home country, Bangladesh. Looking at her now (and seeing her success), it’s hard to imagine that there was ever a time when Nabela felt like she didn’t have a seat at the table—but that’s actually the reason she started off on social media in the first place, and used it to build the base of her platform! Growing up, Nabela had a passion for beauty and fashion, but she felt that society’s standards for beauty were too narrow and didn’t include her, even though she knew she was beautiful. A big part of this was that she didn’t see a whole lot of people who looked like her represented in traditional media. As a first-generation South Asian immigrant in the US and a plus-size woman, Nabela decided that if she wanted to see media and content that truly fit, resonated, and represented her and others like her, she would just have to make that content herself. And that’s exactly what she did! Rather than allow anyone or anything else to dictate where she belonged, Nabela created her own table to make sure that her unique voice was heard and valued. Not only that, Nabela ensured that her table was filled with a diverse and inclusive group of people so that others wouldn’t have to struggle to find representation and belonging the way she had—and she’s been crushing it ever since! Just like Nabela, you can use your voice and your own unique and individual skills and abilities to create a table that fits you—and others.

Celebrate Your Differences!

Another way that you can help to bring more people to the table, no matter whose table it is, is by showing appreciation for the people around you who are different from you. While it may seem like the best course of action is always to find what we have in common and look past the things that make us different, that couldn’t be further from the truth! Research has shown that ignoring our differences in an effort to not discriminate based on those differences actually has the opposite effect—instead, doing so can decrease the opportunities available and accessible and even cause unique and special voices and experiences to be hidden or lost! Instead, try to actively think about both your similarities with people and your differences! Looking at the differences in the people around us can be a great way to learn more about other people’s lives, experiences, and dreams, and can help you both make space available at the table for lots of people and also value your own uniqueness!

Celebrate Your Differences by Comparing and Contrasting

Make a list of your particular skills, talents, and abilities, and then make another list of all your resources. Then think about the people in your life and pick someone who is different from you in some way (maybe a friend, classmate, or someone else!). Ask this person to make the same lists that you made, and then compare your list with theirs. Is there anything that really surprises you? Are there things on the other person’s list that you hadn’t anticipated? How do the lists make you feel? Are there things that the other person brings to the table that you’re thankful for? Think about how your dream would be affected by the differences you notice in this person!

 

Share Your Skills!

My favorite way of bringing other people to the table? That would be teaching them skills that I have that they might find useful as well—and asking them to do the same for me! I like to call this skill swapping. It can be especially helpful if you’re sharing a skill that seems easy or second nature to you but could feel difficult or inaccessible to someone else, or the other way around, and it’s even better if you can share skills that help forward each of your dreams. One of the really exciting things about sharing your skills with other people is that doing so can take a variety of forms. Sometimes skill swapping might be a straight trade—you teach someone else how to do something, and in exchange, they teach you something else. Other times it might be more of a skill share than a swap—an opportunity for you to give someone something (such as a skill, ability, or resource that you have and want to share) without the expectation of anything in return! And likewise, you may at some point find yourself the beneficiary of a one-sided skill share.

Of course, the way you go about swapping or sharing your skills and abilities with others will depend on your (and their) unique circumstances, as well as what type of swap you’re engaging in, but there are a few general tips that apply to many instances.

☑Decide why you want to share your skills with someone. Is it because you’re looking for something and want to trade? Is it because you want to help someone else by sharing your unique skills? Is it because someone else has asked you to teach or share something with them? Knowing your motives will help guide the rest of your skill-sharing experience.

☑Determine what skills you have that you could share with somebody else. You can start to figure this out by asking some basic questions, like: What am I good at? Does someone else need or want this? Is there a way I can increase access to my table—or join someone else’s table—by sharing this skill?

☑Be brave! Skill swapping might require you to step outside your comfort zone, whether by learning a new skill, asking for help, or offering help to someone else. It’s perfectly okay and normal to feel a little bit uncomfortable in these instances, but knowing that what you’re doing will broaden your and others’ tables will hopefully give you the courage to face that discomfort and engage anyway!

Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

Are you a STEM lover, maybe someone who is comfortable doing science projects or math equations? Do you have a friend who likes entirely different things, one who might rather play the piano or write a story? Or is it the opposite, and you’re the creative writer with a friend who loves trying out new experiments and projects? Think about the things you love, the components of you that make you strive for your dream, and then challenge yourself to find someone with different interests or hobbies. Step out of your comfort zone by joining them in one of their favorite activities! Put down your telescope (or whatever it is that you spend a lot of your time using) and go make up a dance with your friend who is a dancer. Then turn the tables! When you’re done, invite your friend to put aside their dancing shoes and help you with a science experiment. Take note of the ways you can help each other, even in doing things that aren’t your usual passions, and write them below.

 

 

 

KINDNESS MATTERS

Kindness makes the world go round. Well, not literally of course (the world goes round because of conserved rotational energy from the protoplanetary disk that our solar system was formed out of), but figuratively, kindness is what it’s all about. What I’ve learned, and what you’ve probably experienced in life as well, is that relationships are built and maintained through kindness and reciprocity. Essentially what this means is that a relationship—such as your relationship with your community—can’t be a one-way street. You have to be willing to act with kindness and compassion toward others if you hope to receive the same. If you want your community to support your dream, believe in you, and help you reach your dream, then you have to do the same for others.

You can think of your relationship with your community like a “take a penny, leave a penny” dish. It’s okay and expected and normal to take a penny (or in this case, to take support, help, etc.) from the dish (or in this case, from your community). That’s the whole point of the “take a penny, leave a penny” dish existing! But what happens if people only take from the dish, even in moderation, and nobody ever actually leaves a penny in the dish? Pretty soon the dish will be empty, and the next person who needs a penny won’t be able to take one (and that next person might even be you!). This same idea holds true for the resources of our communities, such as help, support, connections, opportunities, materials, and more. Our communities support us—but if we want to see them be able to continue to support us in reaching for our dreams, and for them to also be able to support others in reaching for their dreams in the future, it’s important that we not only take from the community, but also give back to it.

Giving back to your community isn’t just important as a means of helping others. In fact, doing good is just plain good for you! Doing good things—such as supporting someone and helping them to achieve their dream, believing in them, or helping to make space at the table for them—feels good. Being generous, kind, and helpful has been shown to decrease stress, produce endorphins (which are basically happy chemicals in your brain), promote good mental health, and cause a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. The Longevity Project, which is the most comprehensive study on living a long life ever conducted, even found that helping others was the single most important factor within human control that could help increase life expectancy!

Put plainly: decades of research have shown that doing good is good for us. And paying it forward—which is when you do something good for someone else without the expectation of receiving anything in return—now or in the future, is a huge part of that! Paying it forward means doing something good because it feels good, and because you remember how you (and your dream!) have been positively impacted by the actions of others, and now you want to make that same positive impact on someone else and their dream.

Doing Good Begets Good

Another thing about doing good deeds is that the simple act of reflecting on times when you’ve done something good for someone else in the past can make you feel good and want to do more good things in the future! Think back on a time when you did something to help someone else and then write it down in the space below. How do you think that your good deed made the person you were helping feel? How did you feel when you helped them, and how do you feel now when you think about it? Based on your answers to these questions, do you think that you would want to try to help someone again in the future?

At the end of the day, dreams (no matter how big or small, and no matter how long they take to accomplish) require a lot of work—and it takes a community of people, with their diverse backgrounds and unique skills, access to resources, and ways of thinking to help make a dream come true. Bringing others to the table can help you in so many ways, both in terms of reaching for your dream and in helping you feel good about yourself, and it’s also an incredibly powerful thing to support and encourage others to follow their dreams and to have agency and power over their own lives and paths. Now it’s up to you to use your voice, share your skills, and celebrate everyone’s uniqueness—and in doing so, you can bring everyone to the table and share in the successes of your dreams together!