After telling Graham about her past, Mat was plagued by strange dreams. They left her with an inexplicable combination of unease and certainty. Graham didn’t press her to talk further the next morning, and she was grateful. She was also grateful that Graham had plans with her roommate for some kind of girls’ night. She needed some space.
But as much as she wanted the time alone, Mat found herself restless and irritated by eight p.m.
She decided to go out. She hadn’t been out since the night she and Graham first hooked up. Not cruising, necessarily, but she desperately needed a change of scenery. Something—anything—to distract her.
An hour later, Mat stood at the bar, trying to decide if she wanted to see a familiar face or hoped she didn’t. She offered the bartender a distracted nod. “Can I get a vodka soda?”
“On the house if you tell me where you’ve been hiding the last couple of months.”
Mat blinked a few times as the comment registered. She gave the woman her full attention. “Brooke. Christ. My brain was a million miles away. How the hell are you?”
Brooke gave her a sly smile. “I’m good, better now that you’re here. I’d started to worry about you.”
Mat grazed her hand over the back of her neck. “It hasn’t been that long.”
“I think it has.” Brooke finished pouring her drink, then added two wedges of lime the way Mat liked it. She waved off the money Mat pulled from her wallet. “I meant it. It’s good to see you.”
Mat had hooked up with Brooke once a few summers prior. The sex had been good, but they’d come to a mutual understanding they were better suited as friends. They didn’t hang out often, but Mat spent more than one slow night nursing a drink and chatting with her about anything and everything under the sun. “It’s good to see you, too.”
“So,” Brooke said in lieu of a question. But before Mat could respond, a couple of women came up to the bar.
Mat used the interruption to formulate her thoughts. She didn’t want to lie about the time she’d been spending with Graham, but she also didn’t want it to seem like she’d been put out to pasture. Mat cringed at the phrase, and all the implications that came along with it. Brooke returned and looked at her expectantly.
“I’ve kind of been seeing this girl.” God. Could she sound more ridiculous? Even with the way things were, Mat was glad Graham wasn’t there to hear her pathetic explanation.
Brooke’s sculpted eyebrow arched. “Really? Do tell.”
“We met here, actually.” Given the time she and Graham had spent together—in bed as well as out—it felt strange to think they’d met in a bar. Like so many of her past hookups, and yet so very different.
Brooke’s eyes got huge. “Here? Is she a regular? A seasonal?”
“Resident, but only the last year or so. Pretty sure she’s not a regular here.” Although, with the exception of having not seen her before, Mat had no real basis to make such a claim.
Another couple came up to the bar. Brooke huffed audibly before moving away to take their orders. Mat chuckled. She couldn’t remember the last time she was the subject of any kind of juicy gossip. On second thought, she could. It had been a long time ago, and not a time she hoped to repeat. Brooke returned as quickly as she left. She gestured at Mat. “And?”
“And what?” She’d come out specifically to avoid thinking or talking about Graham. She wasn’t going to volunteer more information than she had to.
“And is it over? Is that why you’re here, cruising?”
Mat bristled, although she couldn’t put her finger on what exactly irritated her the most. She decided to go with the most obvious. “I’m not cruising.”
It came out more belligerently that she’d intended. Brooke lifted both hands defensively. “Hey, now. I didn’t mean it as an insult.”
Mat shook her head. It wasn’t Brooke’s fault she was in such a pissy mood. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to bite your head off.”
More people came in. Brooke groaned this time. “Hold that thought. I’ll be right back.”
Mat used the second reprieve to get a grip. When Brooke returned, Mat was smiling. “Like I said, sorry for being an ass. It’s a weird situation. I’m not entirely sure what it is or what I’m doing. Which is why I’m here. Looking for a night of not thinking about it.”
“Okay.” Brooke nodded in a way that said she had a million and a half questions, but knew better than to ask them.
“Thanks. What’s new with you?”
Brooke’s smile went all the way to her hazel eyes. “I’ve been seeing someone, too.”
“Yeah?” Mat braced herself for the inevitable gushing. She didn’t begrudge Brooke being happy, or having a girlfriend for that matter, but did everyone in her life have to pair up and settle down at the same time?
“Her name is Audrey. She’s a chef.”
Mat shook her head. Unbelievable. “At Osteria 160?”
Brooke narrowed her eyes. “You know her?”
Mat nodded and let out a sigh. “I recently got her to sign with us as an exclusive supplier.”
Brooke’s face took on a look of horror. “She’s not who you’ve been seeing, is she?”
“No, no,” Mat said quickly.
She remained skeptical. “Have you slept with her, like before?”
Mat had never been so glad not to have slept with someone. “Just friends, I swear.”
Brooke laughed, but Mat thought there might be an edge to it. That was one of the problems with living in such a small town, even one as gay as Provincetown. Everyone knew everyone else and, when it came to sex and dating, cross-pollination was inevitable. After a moment, Brooke rolled her shoulders and tipped her head from side to side, as though shaking off unpleasant thoughts. “My turn to be sorry. I know it’s technically none of my business.”
“Yeah, but I appreciate the weirdness factor.”
Brooke laughed again, and this time seemed to relax. “I’m sure it happens to you all the time.”
Mat couldn’t argue the truth of Brooke’s assessment, but it didn’t sit well. Despite keeping her sexual activities a secret from her parents, she’d always thumbed her nose at the value judgments people placed on promiscuity. Commentary about her own behavior never bothered her before, so why should it now? But since she’d already been snippy once that evening, Mat kept her thoughts to herself. “Eh, not all that often.”
“Not like I would judge, seeing as how you and I had one of the hookups in question.” She rolled her eyes, but smiled.
Mat wanted nothing more in that moment than to get out of there, away from talk about relationships and sexual pasts. But since Brooke had comped her drink, it would be rude to just take off. She decided to steer the conversation as far away from herself as possible. “Tell me about you and Audrey.”
It was the right tactic. Brooke’s face softened and she talked about the blissful state of her life until more customers walked up in search of libation. Mat finished her drink and tried to think of a graceful exit strategy. She glanced at her watch. It was barely ten. She angled away from the bar for a moment and watched the crowd.
She made eye contact with a few people she recognized, a few she didn’t. A woman with long dark hair and deep brown eyes held her gaze. Mat nodded a casual hello. The woman returned the greeting with a slow, seductive smile. Under normal circumstances, Mat would take that as all the invitation she needed. She’d cross the room, buy a drink. Friendly conversation might lead to more.
Tonight her feet remained planted. Whether it was her comment to Graham about seeing only her or something else, she just wasn’t feeling it. She looked away before accidentally giving the woman the wrong impression and sighed.
“Is it really as bad as all that?” Brooke’s voice behind Mat made her chuckle.
“Apparently.” Mat turned and found another drink waiting for her. She didn’t have the heart to tell Brooke she didn’t even want it.
“That one over there seems interested.” Brooke angled her head just a fraction. Mat didn’t need to look over to know who she was talking about.
“Yeah. She’s hot, too. I just, I don’t know.”
“Sounds to me like you’ve got one of two problems.”
Mat leaned on the bar and gave Brooke her full attention. “What’s that?”
“Either you’re coming down with something and you’re off your game, or,” she paused for effect, “you’re in love.”
Adamant refusal was probably just as damning as agreement, so she did neither. She took a long drink from her glass. It held more vodka than soda. “Not thrilled with either of those options.”
“I don’t know.” Brooke shrugged playfully. “Being in love isn’t so bad.”
Mat put her glass on the counter. “If you say so. Are you sure I can’t pay you for these?”
“I insist.”
Mat nodded. “Thanks. I’m going to get out of here.”
“I hope you feel better soon, either way.”
“Thanks.” Mat slipped on her coat, offered a parting wave, and wound her way through the crowd. She could feel the dark haired woman’s eyes on her, but she kept her gaze in front of her. The only thing she hated more than being turned down was having to do the turning down herself.
Out on the street, the night had a definite chill. Mat paused and zipped her coat, not quite ready to head home. Brooke’s words remained stuck in her mind.
It wasn’t like she hadn’t considered the idea she might be in love. She’d spent far too much time with Graham—quiet, intimate time as much as sex or going out and having fun—for it not to cross her mind. On some levels, it didn’t even bother her. She’d expected to be overwhelmed by it, that all-consuming manic feeling she remembered from her youth. It was different with Graham, though, more reassuring. It was being able to imagine a future with her, and liking what she saw.
Not that it was all wine and roses. Mat had plenty of anxiety, too. She didn’t like feeling she wasn’t in full control of her destiny. Nor did she relish the idea of trying to integrate Graham into her family. Even if the anniversary party hadn’t been a complete disaster.
“Decided I could use a little fresh air myself.” They’d never spoken, but Mat knew who was behind her. The voice was low and silky, casual but confident.
Mat turned and, sure enough, found herself face to face with the woman from the bar. She was even more beautiful close up. “I was actually going to call it a night.”
The woman’s eyes danced. “Is that an invitation?”
On a thousand other nights, Mat wouldn’t have hesitated. She loved women who weren’t afraid to take charge, who knew what they wanted. Mat could imagine going home with her, or taking the woman back to her place. It would be easy and uncomplicated and everything she’d always believed she wanted. Now, it felt, not bad exactly, but flat. Underwhelming. “I’m not feeling great, I’m afraid. I think I’d make for pretty lousy company.”
“That’s too bad.” The woman looked disappointed, but only mildly so. “I hope you find a cure for what ails you.”
“Thanks. I hope you find what you’re looking for.” God, that sounded cheesy. She was losing her touch, or maybe she really was under the weather.
The woman offered her a bland smile. “I’ll be just fine.”
She went back to the bar and Mat stood on the street. She looked up at the sky. Thin clouds moved quickly, veiling the moon without blocking its light. She’d gotten herself into a fine mess all right, with no idea how to navigate it. Mat sighed and started walking, not in the direction of home yet, just walking.