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His father was dead.
Valerian was still sitting on his bed, three hours later, staring down at his phone for some reason, still dressed in his wrinkled clothes, his jaw scruffy, and his books scattered about the room from studying the previous day, before he’d headed to the Lotus academy event and ended up in Zach’s room.
It felt like years had passed since he’d left Zach and driven back to Howl academy.
Dead. His alpha father was dead.
As in, a permanent state. There was no reversing it, doing something different, telling his father anything he hadn’t managed to say—like I cared for you, you bastard, I hated you and loved you, and you were all I had—or begging for forgiveness one more time and trying to convince the old-fashioned, strict alpha that he’d regretted his actions and deserved a second chance.
That second chance with Zach.
It was over.
Wasn’t it?
The phone fell from his cramped fingers, thumping to the carpet. He’d played his cards and lost. He’d counted on his father waking up and hearing him out, understanding the urgency, the importance of his deeds.
On his father giving him the money he needed for the auction.
On not making Val do something he didn’t wanna do.
He was a goddamn idiot, falling from one trap to the next, hurting one person after another, trying to fix mistakes, and move forward only to take three steps back and sink again.
That fucking will.
If not for Zach, he could have ignored it. He didn’t want his father’s money. He’d decided long ago that he didn’t give a shit about it, about the terms.
But he hadn’t counted on the Dean putting Zach on auction, damn it.
Hadn’t counted with his father dying.
Now he was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and if he didn’t come through, if he didn’t put his game face on, the one who’d suffer was Zach.
Though he could bet that the Dean of Lotus academy would gladly throw Val into jail if he failed to pay.
Yeah, there was that, too. And from jail he certainly wouldn’t be able to do anything for Zach. If anyone deserved happiness... that was his omega.
That bright smile.
Those eyes lit up with hope and pleasure.
That passion and giving and acceptance.
Valerian barely knew him and yet he knew that Zach was the better person from the two of them. He wouldn’t have hurt others like Val had. He was good and kind and innocent.
And if he belonged to Val, like Val felt despite the evidence to the contrary, then Val would take care of him. An alpha always protected his own.
His father’s death had changed nothing in that respect.
Val would do what he had to do. He’d do anything to ensure Zach’s happiness. It was the only and last thing he could give Zach.
It would be worth it.
***
A loud knock on his door shook him out of a dark knot of thoughts, a thorny bramble that had encased him as he sat there on the bed, sharp edges cutting into his mind.
He got up and padded over to open the door, the muscles in his legs protesting, cramped from sitting still for so long. Hell. How long had he been sitting there, lost in the dark?
It was Luke.
He gave Val a wide-eyed look. “Hey, bud. There you are. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss.” Luke punched him lightly on the shoulder. “You okay?”
“Yeah... sure.” He rubbed a hand over his face, trying to lift the wool from his mind. “Who told you?”
“You called Alex and told him, remember? He told me.”
He’d called Alex? Val honestly couldn’t remember much from the moment the Dean had told him the news over the phone. One moment he was in Zach’s arms, lost in pleasure and relief at finally finding his mate, finding what he’d been missing all his life, what he needed.
And the next everything had changed.
Changed for the worse.
“Val. Are you listening, man?”
“What?”
“Alex said to meet with him. He wants to talk to you.”
“What the hell about?”
“Give his condolences, that sort of thing. You know.”
“Right.”
“He’s worried about you, dimwit. You locked yourself up in your room and wouldn’t open the door or take our calls.”
Val frowned. Did that happen? Damn his brain for shutting out the world. “I’ll call him.” Stepping outside, he let the door close.
“You do that.” Luke turned to follow him as he hurried down the corridor toward the stairs. “Hey. Where are you going?”
“I need to shift.”
Luke reached him and walked backward, keeping up. “Now? I mean, today? After this news? Sit tight, man, let’s drink something.”
“I don’t wanna cry on your fucking shoulder, Luke, so shove it. And get out of my way. I need to shift and forget the world for a while.”
“Then I’m coming with you.”
“Suit yourself. Keep up if you can.” Val set off down the stairs, accelerating when he hit the first floor, heading out the door of the dormitories, fur already flowing over his skin, his ears prickling as they elongated, his nails turning into claws.
“Wait, Val!”
But he couldn’t. He was running as if he could escape from himself, from the circumstances, from the bleak future he could see stretching ahead of him.
One without Zach.
What else could he do except do his father’s bidding? How else could he pay for the auction and set Zach free? He could gamble and hope to win. Steal. Borrow from a loan shark. Take Zach and run to places unknown with nothing to offer him but a life where he’d be looking over his shoulder until one day Lotus academy and the police caught up with them and threw them into jail.
That wasn’t how one took care of one’s omega.
Damn. He was only nineteen but he felt as if the weight of the whole world rested on his shoulders. Maybe he shouldn’t have gone to the auction.
But Zach was his. How could he have let some other alpha be his first? Damn it.
Shifting was a bone-deep relief, chasing his thoughts away, and he loped out of the Howl Academy gates, lifting his nose to find the scent of trees and water. He wasn’t supposed to leave the academy without notifying the administration, but fuck that shit. Couldn’t be bothered with it now.
A familiar alpha scent from behind him told him that Luke had shifted and was following him, running along sidewalks and empty plots, veering away from the academy and the town toward the open countryside.
His father was dead.
Zach was lost to him.
Two facts that hung like stones around his neck, so he ran faster and faster, growling deep in his throat, letting the change overtake him fully, altering his vision and hearing, narrowing the scope of his thinking to the run, the escape, the hunt.
And if Zach remained at the back of his mind, at the back of every thought, no matter how simple or vital, so be it. He’d given up trying to forget about him, to ignore what he felt.
Zach was his, and he belonged to Zach, with every molecule of his being and soul. And because of that, he’d have to give Zach up.
No, not thinking was the best strategy of all if he wanted to keep the last threads of his sanity to pull through and find the willpower to do what he had to set Zach free.
***
He got lost in the run. The light faded, and the moon rose in the sky, casting the world in monochromatic shapes and shadows, and he still ran. He ran through the night, Zach’s name echoing in his mind like a distant bell.
Then the shape of the name faded, too, only that pretty face remaining, blurry around the edges, green eyes looking at him through his empty thoughts, calling him home.
But where was home anyway?
Someone was yelling something. A word, repeatedly, over and over.
Valerian.
Was that his name?
Dawn was breaking. The moon had set long ago. A new day was beginning. The voice was coming closer, and closer.
Hadn’t there been another wolf with him? Where was he now?
“Valerian! Answer me! Where are you, man?”
The words took a long moment to make sense. He sat back on his haunches, tongue hanging out, panting softly, watching the trees and the rustling foliage, the shivering bushes and the flight of small birds.
Valerian. He was Valerian.
When his name was called again, he yowled in reply. He felt he should be hunting—he hadn’t managed to catch anything to eat, and had he even tried?—but instead, he waited for the human calling out his name to see what he wanted.
Maybe he had food. Meat, bloody and fresh, or maybe...
Maybe he had Zach with him?
Valerian got up and padded toward the voice. There was a second voice calling his name from another direction, and he hesitated. Then he continued toward the first voice.
“Valerian!” The human was familiar. He crouched down and nodded at him. “Why did you stay out? Luke came back, said he’d lost you in the woods. Come on, time to shift.”
Shift.
His skin rippled in reaction to the word. It meant to change, turn into a human.
He wasn’t ready.
“Come on, Val, shift back. You shouldn’t stay in wolf form too long, you know that. Can you even understand what I’m saying?”
Val tried to reply and a growl left his throat.
The human seemed to accept that as an answer. “Good. Do it now. Shift, Val. Haven’t got all day. Kai is waiting back home with the babies, and he’s got a cold, and I hate to leave them alone for too long.”
Home.
That word again.
And shift.
He felt it, the human under his skin, inside his mind, wanting out. His thoughts were changing, shifting before his body did, words coming to him, names and images.
This was Alexander. His friend.
Kai was Alex’s mate. They had babies.
Val was in the woods. He was a wolf.
It was time to change back. Change and face the music.
The shift started small, deep inside his bones, and he fell to the hard earth as he cracked and broke and was made again—joins bowing the other way, paws spreading into hands and feet, claws shortening into nails, his jaw pushing back in, his canines diminishing. His fur rolled back into his skin, his ears diminished, and his eyes changed, the colors returning to the world.
And with it, memories.
The memory of Zach underneath him, around him, heat and pressure and acceptance and that fluttery feeling in his chest...
Zach moaning his name as he rocked with him, his arms around Val, his eyes closed and that bright smile...
Zach reaching for him as he left, asking him not to go.
And then the memory of hearing that his father had passed away, leaving behind a mess that Val had caused and that would haunt him now forever.