Two weeks later the day dawned that Alicia had been dreading for a year. On autopilot, she rose and dressed for work. The kitchen clock read six-thirty am when she poured two thermos mugs of coffee. She was outside five minutes later and Lachlan was waiting for her. He took both mugs and placed them in the holders, while she stowed her gear in the back.
They drove to Orange in the quiet of the early morning. Aside from a few sentences, neither of them spoke until they pulled up in the car park just as the gates opened.
‘I’ll wait for you but take your time.’ Lachlan squeezed her shoulder.
She looked at him. ‘Would you come with me, please?’ She’d thought about this for a long time. Visiting should be done alone but she wanted Lachlan there but not just to be there for her. It was difficult to explain, so she hoped he’d say yes and not ask why.
His eyes flared briefly before he nodded. ‘Of course.’
Alicia gathered the flowers and photo from the back, and hand-in-hand they walked through the foggy morning. The sun had not long risen but the fog kept everything in semi-darkness, creating an ethereal atmosphere. She snuggled deeper into her jacket and pulled her beanie down further. An August morning at the Orange Cemetery was not for the faint-hearted.
When they reached Paul’s grave, she stopped. Alicia looked at the colourful array of flowers already there and was glad she’d picked a bunch from the farm. She let go of Lachlan’s hand to lay the bunch down and then took his hand again.
‘Paul, this is Lachlan. Lach, meet Paul. I know it’s crazy to introduce you like this …’ She gave Lach a watery smile. ‘… but you’re two of the most important people in my life and I want you to know each other.’
Again, she let go of Lachlan’s hand, this time to place the photo she’d had printed next to the headstone. ‘I want you to know how much your photos mean, and how much they’ve helped me this year. Not just me but Dulili too.’ She laid her hand on the cold stone and held it tightly. ‘We’re opening up a new shop, right across from the Ag Store, to exhibit your photos. They sell so well. Everyone loves them. You’d be stoked. I wish you could see how popular they are and hear what people say.’
She swallowed, emotion choking her. Lachlan gave her a stoic look, so she kept going, drawing strength from him. ‘For me, it’s your last photos that have helped the most. The ones of the kids. I wasn’t going to exhibit those, I wanted to keep them all to myself. But Lach and I’ve been talking, and we’ve talked with your folks too, and we think we should show them. The money from any sales, we’re going to send to Syrian orphanages and refugee camps. Dulili’s getting behind it too. You would have done something like that, so that’s my plan. I hope you’d agree.’
She squatted down so she could see the photo she’d placed on the ground. ‘This photo is of a bunch of kids playing in the ruined street. I’m leaving it here for you. Your work has made such a difference. Your life made a difference. I wanted to show you that.’
She sniffled as the emotion took hold. Leaning her forehead on the cold stone, she whispered, ‘I miss you so very much but I’m going to honour your memory and help people too. Thank you for leaving so much of yourself behind. I’ve needed it so much.’ The tears dripped down her face but after a few moments, she wiped them and stood. She gripped the headstone hard and nodded her head towards the memorial.
There was a faint sense of the ridiculous running through Alicia, after she’d issued such a long speech to a patch of ground but there was also a sense of right. A feeling that she’d made things right with Paul, with Lachlan, and with herself.
She walked back to Lachlan and laid her hand on his arm. ‘Thank you. Sorry. I had to say all that.’
He gave a sort of sheepish smile. ‘Do you mind if I talk to him now?’ He seemed serious. She had been half expecting him to laugh at her. She felt a little odd within herself. Not exactly nauseous but unsettled. She gulped and waved her hand to indicate he could go ahead.
‘Nice to meet you, Paul. I wish we could have met differently, although that would never have worked. I want you to know that I’ll take care of your girl for as long as she’ll let me. I know I’m in your house too, so I’ll look after that, I promise. And although I’ve never really met you, your photos have given me so much insight into you and Dulili. Thanks for showing me your love of the town, for helping me to understand it and to fit in. I love being part of your art gallery. Like Alicia, I hope to honour your memory, always.’
More tears streamed down Alicia’s cheeks. The torrents burned hot against her eyelids but cold as they froze on her cheeks. She hadn’t realised how much Lach had learned from Paul. How natural he sounded talking to a memory. It was like he knew Paul, was friends with him. She was glad she’d asked him to come with her today, not only for his support but also so she heard that. Knew that.
Alicia wiped her face with a huge men’s hanky. Then tucked it deep into her pockets again. Lachlan threaded their fingers together and they stood close, Alicia in front of him, warmed by his body. For long moments they were surrounded only by the early morning silence. It was too foggy and cold even for birdsong.
After silently saying a final goodbye to Paul’s public memorial, Alicia squeezed her fingers against Lachlan’s. ‘I’m ready.’ Paul would be with her always. Leaving wasn’t too difficult.
Walking side by side, they left the graveside. ‘Thank you for coming with me,’ she said before they reached the car park.
‘It meant a lot that you asked me to come.’
‘I didn’t know … you know … it’s uncomfortable sometimes … you … and Paul …’ Her stammering made little sense but she had no idea how to express herself.
‘You accepted my past. I accept yours in the same way.’
‘Oh.’ That was too simple. But no matter how she examined it, there were no arguments. He had accepted everything about her. ‘Thank you.’
‘Ready to head to work?’
She nodded. She was ready for work. Ready for Dulili. Ready for the future.
Once again, she had dreams. Dreams that still involved Paul but that had been created with Lachlan.
She had visions of a future. A future to honour Paul’s memory. A future that included Lachlan. A future that beckoned with promise. They were walking into that future together.