‘So, we need to talk up my glamazingness,’ Dixie tells us. ‘I’m thinking we should word the lonely hearts something like, “Stunning teen, GSOH,* seeks slightly older, handsome man for friendship and laughter.” What do you think?’
I’m not loving the use of ‘we’ here. At all. I shrug and make an unimpressed face. I am trying to have as little to do with this as possible. If I engage with Dixie on this scheme, I might end up going on a date as her guinea pig, if she just doesn’t like the look of whatever Lonely Heart turns up. Nothing is beyond the Dix and there are no lows to which she will not let me stoop on her behalf.†
‘As for Facebook, I’ll change my status from “It’s complicated” to “Single” and accept lots of new friend requests. That should get the ball rolling.’
‘It’s still complicated,’ Uggs mutters and he’s not wrong.
‘I may also need a make-over – discuss.’
‘It’s v v important to look stunning in case you chance upon the Tongue in your travels,’ I say, bearing in mind she may also be deliberately putting herself in the way of said person!
‘Am I hearing highlights?’ she asks.
‘The school aren’t keen on anything wild or too colourful,’ Uggs points out.‡
‘Subtlety is my middle name,’ Dixie says, without even a trace of irony.б
Uggs clears his throat and I think it’s to disguise a laugh.
‘New perfume is a must,’ I say. ‘The sort that wafts in before you and lingers after you’ve gone, leaving a tantalizing breath of Dixie behind.’
‘You know, Jen, that is almost genius,’ she says. ‘I’ll be unmissably snifftastic.’
‘Have you unfriended Jason Fielding?’ I ask.
‘Don’t be ridic, Jen, I have to be aware of his every move. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer and all that. Besides, he’s unaware of my vast wrath, so when the time comes I’ll slay him with fabulosity and disdain and he won’t see it coming – it’s a foolproof plan.’
I almost feel sorry for the Tongue, because he has no idea what he has unleashed upon himself, the poor gormless eejit.
Uggs makes an attempt to talk sense into Dixie. He can get all grown-up sometimes and even though that can seem a bit stuffy and old, I’m glad of it right now. He’s a bit of a swot too, and that’s useful during school time.
‘I saw a really interesting article that might help you get through this,’ he says.
Dixie narrows her eyes and goes, ‘Oh yeah?’ Not in a great way.
‘Deffo, yeah.’
Poor Uggs, I’d say he’s sweating now with nerves at how this might go! Still, he’s in the eye of the storm and has to continue.
‘It was a list of the fifteen things you should give up on to live a happy life.’
Dixie snorts. ‘Fifteen? I’m not sure I have those hours of my life left, Uggs, to give up so many things. Bet they’re all good things too. Is chocolate on the list?’
Uggs is scarlet now. ‘It’s not that kind of list, not material things, it’s more attitudes and, erm, habits.’
‘Par example, s’il vous plaît?’
‘Well, it says you should give up on the past, for instance, because the present and the future are more important and obsessing about the past just holds you back. And give up on blame too, because that’s such a negative.’
Dixie holds up a hand to stop him. ‘Uggs, that would just lead to people getting away with bad shizz.’
‘It might not,’ he counters, trying to stick to his point.
I can see he’s wavering, though. Dixie is hard to argue with.
‘You’re just giving people permission to do bad things and then wipe the slate with the excuse that it’s all in the past,’ she says.
‘Food for thought,’ I say, trying to help, though I’m not sure who. It’s a fairly pathetic try one way or another and they both ignore me.
‘Tell you what, I’ll consider the fifteen things when I’m fifteen, how about that? Until then, it’s “stick up for Dixie” time.’
