Kerry and Jim are moving next weekend and I went over to entertain Olivia whilst they were packing and they found their wedding DVD. Man alive I still can’t believe she made me wear that monstrosity of a dress, it was even more hideous than I remembered. You seemed to do well dodging most of the video footage, but there is one bit that caught you dancing to Single Ladies. Oh, Danny Whittaker, you’ve got moves I never knew you had!
Email; Lydia to Danny, June 2016
What was supposed to be me grabbing a quiet takeaway with Kerry and Jim has now turned into an impromptu celebration. Here we are sitting in the lounge with not only Kerry and Jim, but also my mum, and the lesser spotted Keith – ‘well, it’s not every day my daughter gets engaged, darling’.
The doorbell goes, ‘Oh God, don’t tell me you invited Hazel too,’ I say to Kerry, wondering if she would have had enough time to get down from the Lakes.
‘That’ll be the delivery driver,’ says Jim, jumping up.
I breathe a sigh of relief.
Olivia’s treating us to her Spanish concert, which is an assault on the ears, and I think everyone wishes they’d offered to get the door instead.
‘Right, Olivia, darling,’ says Mum, ‘we’ll have to finish the show off later.’
‘Or, actually, it might be bed time after the meal,’ says Kerry, looking at the clock. ‘It’s swimming tomorrow morning.’
Olivia rolls her eyes like a pro. Heaven help Kerry and Jim when she’s a teenager.
‘Grub’s up,’ shouts Jim as he passes the doorway en route to the kitchen.
‘I’m starving,’ I say getting to my feet. Danny grabs my hand and I do a little swoon.
The doorbell rings again.
‘Lydia, why don’t you get that?’ says Kerry.
Perhaps I wasn’t wrong and Mum has called Hazel after all.
I open the door and shriek with delight at the sight of Lucy.
‘Hello, you,’ I say, flinging my arms around my best mate.
‘I want to know everything,’ says Lucy, pulling straight out of the hug. ‘Everything.’
‘And hello, Ed,’ I say, as I stand back to let them in.
‘Lydia,’ he says, kissing me on the cheek. ‘I hear congratulations are in order.’
‘Ah, thank you. I can’t believe Kerry invited you, too – it’s like a proper party all of a sudden. I’m so happy you could come last minute.’
‘You won’t be,’ says Lucy in a mutter. She’s got a look in her eye and I suddenly realise as I shut the door that the chill in the air wasn’t only coming from outside.
‘So where is he, then?’ says Lucy, snapping a smile back on her face.
‘Well, yes, come on through and meet him.’
She grabs hold of my hand and is practically jumping up and down as we walk into the kitchen.
‘Danny, this is my best friend, Lucy. Lucy, this is Danny, my fiancé,’ I say, taking the word for a little test drive.
‘Ah, Lucy of the great taste in underwear,’ says Danny, leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek.
He pulls back and notices Ed’s face is like thunder.
‘Ah, you must be her fiancé. Ed, is it? God, sorry, that sounded terrible. It’s just that Lucy bought Lydia some cracking underwear for her trip to Spain and . . .’
Danny turns round and sees that the rest of the guests round the table are staring at him.
‘Oh, um,’ he says, his cheeks going pink, and he sits down at an empty seat.
‘You carry on, Daniel. I always like to hear about my daughter’s knickers,’ says my mum raising a playful eyebrow.
‘I got Paw Patrol pants for Christmas,’ says Olivia, thinking that’s a perfectly normal addition to the conversation.
Jim pats her on the head affectionately. ‘Right, so I just ordered a selection of different curries and bits, so dig in.’
‘This looks amazing.’
‘Doesn’t it? Makes a nice change from all the Christmas food,’ says Lucy, sitting down next to Danny and leaving Ed and I to sit next to each other, opposite them. It’s not all bad. I reckon I can play footsie with Danny from here.
‘It’s not doing much for my diet, though, and to think I’ve only got four weeks until I’m going to have to be in the mother-of-the bride outfit.’
‘I thought you were doing your Paleo Diet?’ I say as I watch her take a huge spoonful of lamb rogan josh.
‘I couldn’t get on with it. Too restrictive.’
‘Haven’t you only been doing it for three days?’
‘I know, but I missed bread too much.’
‘Right.’ So typical of my mother. ‘At least that makes it easier for the wedding dinner. Now we just need Hazel to stop being a vegan.’
‘I think she’s cracked too. She sent me a picture of her eating a huge chunk of brie at lunchtime,’ she says.
‘Perfect,’ says Danny. ‘See, nothing to worry about.’
‘What about my dress?’ asks Olivia. ‘When are we going shopping for it. Tomorrow?’
‘Danny and I are going out tomorrow, but I guess we’ll have to get it soon,’ I say, thinking about all the things that still need doing.
‘What about your dress?’ asks Lucy. ‘You’ve got to get that too.’
‘Yes, I keep daydreaming about it and forget that I need to actually buy it.’
‘I liked your other dress,’ says Danny with a wink.
‘I’m not wearing that again,’ I say thinking of the effect it had on Danny in his living room and how I ended up naked in front of his mum.
‘I’ll buy your wedding dress, darling. We can go shopping together.’
‘OK, great.’
‘Yes, I’ll look for an outfit too whilst I’m at it. I’ve got to find something utterly fabulous to wear as mother-of-the-bride. ’
‘I love a good wedding,’ says Lucy, clapping her hands together.
‘Just not your own,’ mutters Ed.
I don’t think he meant for everyone to hear, but we all seem to be mid-mouthful and quiet.
‘So, Keith, are all your children married now?’ asks Kerry as she shoves the bag of naan breads in his direction in a bid to ease the tension between Ed and Lucy.
He looks so formal compared to the rest of us. He’s wearing chinos and a neatly pressed jumper over a checked shirt. It’s not only the clothes he’s wearing but also the way that he’s carrying himself. He’s so upright and he holds his knife and fork the polite way. Before he speaks he dabs at the corners of his mouth with his napkin.
‘Almost. Suzanne, the middle one, is getting married in September,’ he says, as he takes a naan and puts it on the side of his plate next to the neat little piles of curry, rice and saag aloo.
‘Ah, that’s nice. Two weddings to look forward to then, Mum,’ I say.
Mum’s fork clatters to the table. ‘Yes, well, I don’t know if I’ll make that. Might be a bit awkward.’ We all look at her, waiting for her to elaborate. ‘You know, with Keith’s ex.’
I don’t really know much about Keith’s divorce, but I do know that that kind of thing can be complicated at weddings. I look over at Lucy, who’s nodding sagely.
‘I know exactly what you mean, Linda,’ says Lucy. ‘Weddings can be so awkward when you’ve got people who hate each other having to be in the same room. My mum’s already told me that she won’t come if my step-mum comes, and my dad says that he’s not coming unless she does.’
I give Lucy a sympathetic smile.
‘But weddings, right. Everyone’s supposed to love a wedding.’ She lunges towards a bottle of red wine and almost knocks it over.
‘Here,’ says Danny. ‘I’ll do it.’
He pours her a large glass and she practically downs it.
‘At least there’ll be free-flowing alcohol. That’s always the answer, isn’t it?’ says Ed.
‘Anyone else want some wine?’ asks Danny.
‘Yes, please,’ mutters everyone at the table, except Olivia, who’s oblivious to what’s going on with the adults.
‘So, I FaceTimed Hazel this morning and she played me the ukulele solo that she’s working on for the wedding. Now, I know you wanted things low key, but I had this idea that I could accompany her.’
Instinctively I pick up my glass and start to drink the wine Danny’s just poured me. I really hope that Kerry and Jim have enough bottles to cope with all this.
‘With what? The triangle? Olivia’s tambourine?’ I ask. My mother is not known for her musical ability.
‘No, darling, I could sing.’
‘Ah,’ I say, struggling to think of a diplomatic answer. I think it would be easier to find more tuneful stray cats to sing for us. ‘Well, actually, Mum, we thought you might want to do a reading instead.’
I catch Danny pulling a surprised face.
‘Oh, but I had this dance all worked out,’ says Mum, looking hurt.
‘Dance?’ pipes up Olivia. ‘I could do a dance. Oh, Auntie Lydia, I could do an awesome dance.’
‘To the ukulele music?’
‘Oh no,’ she says shaking her head. ‘I could dance to Beyoncé and I can floss.’
‘I don’t think now’s the time to brag about dental hygiene,’ says Mum.
‘No, Grandma,’ she says rolling her eyes. ‘The floss. Watch.’
Before Kerry can stop her, Olivia’s jumped up and started to dance around the table nearly knocking everyone out as she flings her arms around.
‘Grandma, you can do this with me.’
‘Of course I can, darling,’ my mother says, pushing her chair back. I watch in horror as she starts dancing what can only be described as seductively round the table. She’s missed the point of the dance, her arms being too fluid and her hips more wiggly, and now she’s doing a shimmy at the back of Keith’s chair.
Kerry grabs at her wrist and guides her back to her seat. I’m sure she was about to whip her leg over to straddle Keith.
‘Naan breads are nice, aren’t they, Keith?’ I say to him.
‘Yes, lovely. This curry’s really rather good. Much better than my local takeaway.’
There’s not a hint of embarrassment on his face. It’s as if he’s blind to the crazy antics of my mother. Maybe that’s the secret to them still being together after all these years.
‘We have made an extensive effort to try out all the ones that deliver for free in a five-mile radius,’ says Jim.
Keith nods as if that’s a very wise thing to do. He doesn’t carry on the subject but that doesn’t surprise me. He’s very much the type of person who speaks when spoken to and only then.
My mum and he are like polar opposites and I’m sure that she doesn’t bring him to many family functions as we all find it so fascinating that they’re a couple that we study them as if we’re watching a nature documentary.
‘So can we?’ says Olivia, looking expectantly at me.
‘Can you what?’ I say, bringing myself back into the conversation.
‘Can Grandma and I do a dance for you at your wedding?’
‘Um, how about you could do the reading with her instead? It’s a really small room that we’re getting married in.’
‘I can dance small and do something other than the floss,’ she says, putting her hands over her head like little waves.
‘I don’t think the venue would let you as there are lots of things that you could break,’ says Danny.
‘I could do it at the meal afterwards. We could do the Passey Dobble that we’ve been working on,’ she says to Danny.
‘Um,’ I say, ‘I think he’s going to be busy on the day. But how about we just buy you an awesome dress instead?’
‘And some sparkly trainers too?’
‘Um, yes, I guess so. And we could give you a pretty bouquet,’ I’m hoping to distract her from the dancing.
‘A bouquet?’
‘Of flowers.’
‘Oh, I’d rather have a magic wand.’
‘OK, then. Magic wand, sparkly shoes, bridesmaid dress. Anything else on your wedding rider?’
‘What’s a rider?’ asks Olivia. ‘Am I going to get to come in on a horse?’
‘No, sweetie,’ says Kerry through a mouthful of curry. ‘It just means your list of demands for you being bridesmaid.’
‘I get to make demands?’ she says, her eyes lighting up.
‘You’ve created a monster,’ says Jim, rolling his eyes. ‘I think shoes, a dress and a wand are enough.’
‘So, is Olivia going to be the only bridesmaid, then?’ says Lucy putting her fork down and giving me the same puppy-dog look that I got from my niece earlier this afternoon. ‘You are my bridesmaid and I always thought you’d return the favour.’
‘Oh, so you’ve decided on your bridesmaids, then,’ says Ed. ‘Must be about all you’ve decided on.’
Lucy ignores him and flutters her eyelashes at me.
‘Well, we weren’t really going to have bridesmaids and then Olivia said that she wanted to and –’ I look between Lucy and Danny and he gives me a little nod. ‘But I guess it wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t a bridesmaid too.’
My sister does a loud cough and I wonder if she’s got something stuck in her throat. Jim gives her a playful pat on the back as he laughs.
‘You all right there, wife?’
‘Fine, thanks, just um, reminding my sister that I’m here. I’m also fully available for bridesmaid duty.’
‘I can’t have you as a bridesmaid as well, at this rate twenty per cent of the guests will be fulfilling that function.’
‘Well, if you will have a small wedding,’ she says stroppily. ‘I thought it would be fitting, seeing as you two did kiss at my wedding, where you were my bridesmaid.’
‘I was and you made me wear that hideous dress. Yes, perhaps I should have you as one and then I can get my own back. The bridesmaid dresses I’ll choose will be meringue like and corseted and quite horrid.’
‘Uh, well, you can count me out of that,’ says Lucy, laughing.
‘Oh, that sounds more like it,’ says Ed.
‘This reading that I’m doing,’ pipes up Olivia. ‘Do I just read the book I’m reading now? I’m reading a Horrible Histories about Egyptians. Did you know they used poo in their medicine?’
All the adults at the table try not to smirk.
‘I’ll choose you a nice poem. And before you ask, Mum, we don’t want you to read an extract of what you’re reading at the time either,’ I say.
My mum reads romance books on the other end of the scale to the ones I read, less cupcakes and bunting and more whips and handcuffs.
‘Don’t worry, I’ve got something in mind,’ says my mum. ‘We read this great book of poetry at our book club.’
‘At your erotic book club?’ says Jim, his ears perking right up.
‘We’ll give you a poem, too, Mum,’ I say shutting this conversation down before it can get started.
She sighs heavily. ‘There was a time when you used to appreciate the arts,’ she says sniffily.
‘I still do. That’s why I’m giving you a poem.’
‘I’m sure the one I would have chosen would have been a lot more entertaining and probably quite informative too, you know, for the honeymoon.’
I shut my eyes in horror as I hear Jim sniggering.
‘At least you won’t be able to censor my speech. You’ll have at least one surprise,’ she continues.
‘What speech?’ I say, almost choking on a bit of naan bread.
‘The speech – you know, the father-of-the-bride one? I doubt your father will actually do one, so I’ll have to step in.’
‘Actually, we weren’t going to do speeches.’
‘Oh, come on, you have to do speeches, it’s like the law,’ says Kerry. ‘And you can’t get Dad to do one; he’d probably forget your name.’
‘Kerry’s right, you can’t not have them,’ says Mum, ignoring the jibe about dad. ‘I’ve been saving up stories about you for years specially. And I’ve got so many about you and Danny from when you were younger. You know you got married when you were four?’
‘We did?’
‘You did,’ says Kerry, clapping her hands together. ‘I remember that. I married Stuart and you married Danny. You had Mum’s old white flouncy shirt on.’
I shake my head. ‘Do you remember that?’ I ask Danny.
‘No,’ he says laughing.
‘Yes,’ says Kerry, her eyes lighting up. ‘I hadn’t thought about this. There are so many stories to choose from. Like when you used to go around lifting up her skirt playing knicker chase.’
I close my eyes and smile at the memory. ‘That was so wrong as games go.’
‘Yeah,’ says Danny. ‘I don’t think kids would be able to do that now. Going around lifting girls’ skirts up.’
‘We didn’t play anything like that at our school, just kiss chase,’ says Lucy.
‘Also wrong, when you think about it,’ I say and we both nod.
‘I thought I could talk about seeing Danny naked,’ says Mum, and we all stare at her open mouthed.
‘When?’
‘Oh, when he was little. When he was in the bath with you.’
‘That makes it sound so much better,’ I say, realising how the case against speeches is mounting.
‘I wouldn’t worry,’ says Mum. ‘I’ve seen Jim naked too. Only he was fully grown.’
Kerry bangs her cutlery noisily on the plate.
‘Mum, I thought we weren’t going to talk about that ever again.’
‘But, darling, it’s so funny.’
Jim has gone bright purple.
‘Don’t worry, darling,’ she purrs to Keith, who’s quietly eating his curry. ‘He was very drunk and mistook me for Kerry.’
‘Not making it any better, Mum,’ says Kerry, her head in her hands.
‘It was after Kerry’s thirtieth birthday,’ I say, to clarify for those at our end of the table who haven’t heard the story before. ‘We had this cottage in Devon.’
‘Pre-Olivia,’ says Kerry. ‘It was boozy. Can we change the subject? How about we talk about when Hazel saw you naked the night before last?’ she says to me.
‘What?’ says Lucy.
‘No, we’re not talking about that,’ I say.
‘What happened?’ says Lucy, turning to Kerry.
‘Well, Hazel walked in on them when Danny was about to . . . ’
‘Seriously, stop,’ I say mortified. ‘So, Keith, did you have a nice Christmas? You were with your daughters, weren’t you?’
‘Yes, that’s right. It was perfectly satisfactory.’
I wait in case there’s any more to come, but he adds nothing further.
‘So, wait, did we agree I’m doing a speech? It’s either me or your father,’ says Mum.
‘Oh, God, that would be worse,’ I say.
‘See, everyone hates speeches,’ says Lucy to Ed.
‘Well, I for one don’t hate them, I think they’re a great idea,’ says Mum.
‘I agree,’ says Ed. ‘Nice and traditional.’
‘Bloody traditional,’ mutters Lucy under her breath.
‘If you do a speech, though, my mum’s going to want to do one,’ says Danny.
‘Oh God, your mum,’ says Jim laughing. He stares at me and Danny. ‘Are you sure you’ve thought this whole wedding thing through? I somehow think eloping would have been the better strategy.’
‘Been there, done that,’ I mutter with a smirk.
The table goes silent and all eyes fall on me.
‘That’s what you were talking about when you mentioned the other dress. You tried to elope, didn’t you?’ says Kerry. ‘That’s what the rush is. You’re married already, aren’t you, and this is some sort of blessing. No wonder you want it low key.’
‘What? You eloped,’ says Mum, a hint of hurt in her voice. ‘Without us?’
I look nervously at Danny and he holds my hand across the table as there’s an uncomfortable silence.
‘We tried to elope but then we found out that you have to wait twenty-nine days and, to be honest, we were relieved,’ he says. ‘I don’t think we would have been able to go through with it without you all there.’
I know that you shouldn’t love someone when they lie, but in this case, I do. And it’s not that much of a lie – there’s an element of truth in it.
‘But you were thinking about it,’ says Kerry. There’s an audible hint of hurt.
‘We just didn’t want a fuss. We didn’t want a big wedding and we were worried that it would spiral out of control,’ I say.
‘Amen to that,’ says Lucy, finishing another glass of wine.
‘You were the one who wanted to invite your great-aunt Dora,’ says Ed.
‘She practically raised me as my mum was always working. It’s a bit different to you asking your old boss,’ she screams.
Lucy’s eyes are almost glowing red. Whatever tension has been bubbling beneath the surface suddenly comes out in a huge explosion. It might have taken the heat off the whole eloping revelation but I can’t help feeling for my bestie.
‘Sometimes it’s useful to network,’ says Ed, exhaling loudly afterwards.
‘Not on your wedding day, it’s not,’ Lucy stands up and throws her napkin down. ‘Thank you, Kerry and Jim for your hospitality. And Danny, it was so good to meet you. I look forward to seeing lots more of you.’
She gets up from the table and leaves the kitchen. I look around the table, stunned at what just happened, before I push my chair out and hurry off after her.
‘What’s going on? Are you OK?’ I ask, grabbing at her arm to stop her from leaving.
‘I’m fine, it’s just wedding stuff. It’s getting to us a bit at the moment. I think hearing his mum’s plans for our big day over Christmas didn’t help. Do you mind me going?’ she says, grabbing her coat off the hook and slipping it on. ‘I just don’t want to bring you guys down. It’s such an exciting time for you and I think we’re ruining it.’
‘Don’t be silly. You’re not at all,’ I say. ‘Making sure you’re OK, that’s what’s important.’
I see tears welling up in Lucy’s eyes.
‘I think I’m better off alone. I’ll talk to you tomorrow,’ she says.
‘Are you going to be OK getting home?’
‘Yes, fine. I’ll see you later,’ she says, giving me a hug and wiping away her tears before she hurries off out of the house.
I’m just about to shut the door behind her when Ed walks up to me.
‘Sorry, Lydia. For ruining your night and being a dick. I do love her, you know.’
‘I know,’ I say, feeling sorry for him. He looks heartbroken.
‘It’s just weddings. I get the impression that she wants to be married to me but it’s like she’s lost sight that that’s what the wedding is actually about and all she can see is stress.’
‘You’re going to work it out,’ I say, confident that they will. There was no one more excited than Lucy when they got engaged.
‘I hope so. I’d better go,’ he says, leaning over and giving me a kiss. ‘I’ve got to catch up with her before she goes too far.’
‘Night, Ed.’
I close the door and wonder if I could sneak back downstairs to my flat. I think it’s too much to hope that people will have forgotten about the whole eloping thing. But I know I can’t leave Danny there alone.
‘So,’ I say sitting down at the table in Lucy’s seat. I look at Keith, wondering what inane question I can ask him this time.
‘Can we do the passe dobble now?’ asks Olivia, interrupting me.
‘Actually, I’m kind of stuffed,’ says Danny, rubbing his belly.
‘Do the dance,’ I whisper.
‘Yes, do the dance,’ says Kerry. ‘I think we all need cheering up after that revelation.’
‘I’m sorry, Kerry, but you’ve got to remember that we didn’t actually do it and you’re going to be bridesmaid,’ I say cheerily.
‘With no meringue or corset?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘You can choose your own dress.’
‘Excellent.’
‘So, am I forgiven?’
‘Hmm, maybe a couple of nights of babysitting might help it along.’
I smile.
‘So come on, then, Michael Flatley, let’s see those moves,’ says Jim.
‘Is that like Flat Stanley? Hay is for horses?’ says Olivia giggling.
‘No Michael Flatley was a dancer in the olden days,’ says Kerry and I’m about to correct her when I realise how long ago it must have been when Riverdance came out. ‘We’re waiting, Danny.’
He looks at me pleadingly and I give him a wink of encouragement.
‘Come on, then, Miss Olivia,’ he says standing up. ‘Let’s get this show on the road.
‘He’s definitely a keeper,’ says Kerry, whispering to me.
‘I know,’ I say, ‘I know.’