I’m officially broken and part of me is left in Riga. Whilst I organised what can only be described as an epic stag do, I can’t actually tell you a lot about it. Not because of the law of the stag, but because I can barely remember a thing. Our hotel seemed nice and it was cold outside. I’m sure the city was beautiful?! I did, however, find this in my pocket when I got home so I presume I must have bought it for you. Or possibly an ageing aunt.
Parcel containing doll dressed in Latvian national dress;
Danny to Lydia, March 2018
I scrunch my nose up at the satnav, wondering exactly where she wants me to turn now.
Arriving at destination, on right. She says again.
I slow right down and look at the hedgerows, trying to see where the cottage is, but there’s nothing here. The road is getting windier and I’m wondering if I should turn back to the main road when I see two oak trees flanking a driveway.
‘Eureka,’ I shout, as I turn down it. I pull up into a courtyard and my stomach flips when I see Danny’s car already parked outside. There are what look like three little cottages all dotted around the courtyard, but only one has lights peaking out the side of curtains and smoke billowing out of the chimney at the top. It must be ours. It looks lovely and romantic and I can’t wait to get inside and snuggle into him.
I hurry round to the boot to get my bag when the front door opens and Danny comes out.
‘Hey, you,’ I say as I fling my arms around him and give him a smooch.
‘Hey, yourself. Did you have a good drive?’
‘Yes, not bad at all considering it’s a Friday night. I made it in two and a half hours.’
‘Mine was pretty much the same. Makes a difference, doesn’t it, meeting halfway?’
‘I know, Kerry’s a genius. And this place looks amazing,’ I say as I pull my weekend bag out.
Danny takes it off me and takes my hand to lead me over to the front door.
‘Wait until you see inside.’
We walk straight into the lounge and the warmth of the fire instantly hits me. The bleached wooden floors are full of furry rugs and the leather sofas are filled with cushions. Danny’s already got a bottle of red wine open with two glasses next to it, Michael Bublé’s playing and the lights are down low.
‘So this is pretty romantic,’ I say, turning to him and playing with the collar on his shirt.
God, I’ve missed him. It’s been a bloody long week. I’m not looking forward to doing this for the next few months. We’ve only been doing it two and a half weeks and even that seems like two and a half weeks too long.
He puts his arm around my waist and pulls me in towards him.
‘So, are you going to show me the bedrooms?’ I purr.
‘I could,’ he says, slipping off my oversized cardigan. ‘Or I could show you afterwards.’
He starts kissing down my neck and I think he’s right; we’re never going to make it upstairs. I unbutton his shirt and push him towards the sofa.
‘Definitely afterwards,’ I say as I pull my dress over my head. ‘We’ve got plenty of time. After all, we’ve got the whole weekend.’
‘Um, and this time we don’t have to worry about mothers walking in on us or how loud we’re being.’
‘It’s so nice that it’s just you and me,’ I say as he unhooks my bra.
Just me and him, exactly as it should be.
*
There’s something so naughty and decadent about lying on the sofa naked with only a hint of a the sofa throw covering me. Danny tops up my wine glass and I throw my head back against the sofa and purr with contentment.
‘I wish we could stay like this forever,’ I say.
‘Well, it won’t be long until you’ll be living with me all the time.’
‘Hmm,’ I say, thinking this is my perfect in to telling him about my job. The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced he’ll think it’s the right thing to do. It’s good experience for my CV and will make the transition between jobs easier. ‘About that,’ I start, when there’s a knock at the door. We turn and look at each other before Danny stands up to answer it.
‘You can’t get it, I’m naked,’ I say, wrapping the sofa throw firmly around me.
‘But it’s obvious we’re in,’ whispers Danny. ‘I’m sure it’s probably someone telling us we’ve left the car lights on or something.’ He shoves his shirt back on and quickly buttons it up before he pulls another throw off an arm chair and wraps it round his waist. ‘Head into the kitchen and I’ll let you know when they’ve gone.’
Reluctantly, I pull myself up just as whoever is at the door knocks again. How bloody rude, knocking twice. They’re the ones interrupting our evening.
‘Hey, Danny,’ I hear my sister say as he opens the door.
I freeze in my tracks. What the hell is she doing here?
‘Danny boy,’ shrills Lucy.
‘What’s going on?’ I say making sure the sofa throw is covering as much of me as possible as I walk back into the lounge.
‘Aw, you two, matching outfits,’ laughs Lucy as she strolls in, bottle of Prosecco in her hand.
Danny’s about to shut the door when it gets pushed open again.
‘Bloody hell, Dan, put some clothes on,’ says his brother Stuart. He’s closely followed by Gaz.
I suddenly feel exposed, even with the throw.
‘Leave them alone, they’re still in that honeymoon phase,’ says Kerry, ‘remember that time when you couldn’t keep your clothes on? Oh how things change.’
The four of them snigger wearing smug we-know-what-it’s-really-like looks on their faces. How do they know that Danny and I won’t be at it like rabbits when we’re old and grey?
Danny looks out into the courtyard as if waiting to see who else pops up, but with no one else lurking out there he shuts the door.
‘What the hell is going on?’ he says, looking between them all.
‘Well, you know how you said that you didn’t want a hen or a stag do,’ says Lucy, grinning.
‘Oh no,’ I say, shaking my head. I’ve been looking forward to a cosy, romantic weekend all week. I don’t want it ruined by penis straws and condom veils.
‘Well, you didn’t really think we’d let you get away without having one, did you?’ says Kerry, giggling.
‘You can’t not have a stag,’ says Gaz, slapping Danny on the back. ‘Where’s the fun in that? You’ve both got to be ritually humiliated as we were on ours.’
I’m slightly relieved that he seems a lot happier than he was at his house last week. Hopefully, he sobered up and realised that he’d let his imagination run away with itself, just like I had.
‘Now, go get dressed, we’ve got lots planned for this evening,’ says Kerry as she plonks a box down on the coffee table and starts pulling out champagne flutes.
I’m too shocked to move.
‘You’re throwing us a joint hen and stag do?’ I say, looking over at Stuart. I haven’t seen him since Kerry’s wedding and I wish I was wearing more clothes.
‘That’s the plan. We’ve got a couple of things lined up for tomorrow and then we’re going to have a big night here tomorrow evening.’
‘Go on,’ says Lucy, throwing our clothes at us. ‘We’ll get the bubbles flowing ready for you when you get back.’
Danny picks our clothes up off the floor where they landed and walks towards me. He has to bundle me out of the door as, whilst it’s sweet of them to have gone to so much trouble to surprise us, I can’t help mourning the loss of the lazy, romantic evening I had planned.
‘I can’t believe they’ve done this,’ I say as Danny leads me upstairs into the bedroom. ‘Kerry was so bloody sneaky suggesting we meet halfway and then helping me to find this place. She planned it all along.’
‘I wouldn’t be surprised if Stuart’s been involved since the start too, it’s the kind of thing he’d do.’
‘Do you think we could just stay here?’ I say, looking longingly at the super king-size bed that’s covered in a thick white duvet with a silky turquoise throw over the top – it looks ridiculously comfortable.
‘You know they’d knock the door down. Come on, it might be fun; there are only the four of them, it’s not as if they’ve invited everyone we know.’
I start to put my underwear on.
‘That’s true, and it’s nice that we’re all able to spend some time together so everyone can get to know each other before the wedding.’
‘Exactly. Plus, with it being a joint sten do, it’s not like it’s going to be wild with strippers and . . .’
‘You don’t know Lucy,’ I say thinking back to Caroline’s twenty-fifth birthday kissagram who did a little bit more than kissing.
‘I think it’s nice of them though, to have all got together and organised this,’ he says.
I groan as I put the dress over my head. ‘I know, I’m sounding ungrateful. It’s just our time together is precious at the moment and I wanted you all to myself.’
Danny buttons up his shirt, leans over and gives me a kiss.
‘We’re going to have the rest of our lives together; I guess one weekend apart isn’t going to hurt. Besides, we’ve still got this cottage and we’ll be sleeping here.’
‘Oh, yes,’ I say, slipping my hands under his shirt. ‘I guess that’s true. And didn’t they say tomorrow night’s the big night? Maybe we can get everyone to have an early night tonight.’
‘Knock, knock, knock,’ shouts Lucy as she taps on the door. ‘I hope you’re putting on clothes.’
‘We’re decent,’ we say, pulling apart.
She opens the door and strolls in handing us each a flute of bubbles.
‘Time to get the party started,’ she says.
*
‘Right, now that we’ve all had a little something to eat, I think we should play a game,’ says Kerry clapping her hands together. She’s loving this whole sten do thing far too much and it’s making me nervous.
‘What type of game?’ says Danny. ‘Is this what women do on hen dos?’
‘Go with it,’ says Gaz. ‘I’d been angling for us to do a stag thing – you know, stick the pubes on your face to make a beard-type thing.’
‘I vetoed that,’ says Lucy, ‘as FYI that is officially the grossest thing that I have ever heard of. Why are stag dos so evil?’
‘You’ve got to humiliate the stag, that’s the whole point. Come on, I’ve seen enough hen dos, you do the same with the tacky L-plates and the like,’ says Stuart.
‘Yeah, why do we do that?’ says Kerry. ‘Fear not, there will be none of that here, well, not tonight anyway, but there will be games. So first up is Mr and Mrs. Now all we need to do is get you two to sit back to back.’
We get passed a whiteboard and a pen each.
I look at Danny nervously before I let Lucy drag me into position. If I’d known that they were going to do this, I would have let them organise an all-singing and dancing hen do somewhere far, far away from my fiancé. Having some slimy male stripper gyrating on me would have been preferable to this. What if I get none of the answers right? I’ve known Danny all my life, but I’ve only known him as a lover for a few weeks. What if everyone realises how little we know about each other and they try and stop the wedding?
‘OK,’ says Kerry, ‘so first question.’
‘Hold up,’ says Danny. ‘What is this, can you at least tell me the rules?’
‘Oh, I just assumed you’d have watched the TV show. OK, so I ask a question like ‘What’s Lydia’s favourite drink?’ and you have to write down what you think it is and Lydia has to write down what her actual favourite is.’
‘OK, that doesn’t sound too bad,’ he says. ‘Beer.’
‘Yes, but obviously we won’t make it that easy. So, first question. What is the name of Danny’s celebrity crush?’
Oh God. I know this. I actually know this. I scribble furiously on my white board, even drawing a picture. Please don’t let it have changed. Please don’t let it have changed.
‘OK, so Lydia.’
‘I’ve got Kylie Minogue.’
‘What the fuck’s that drawing?’ says Lucy almost dying with laughter.
‘It’s Kylie in her gold hot pants.’
‘Danny,’ says Kerry and there’s a low whistle as he reveals that it’s Kylie.
‘In her gold hot pants,’ she says, reading it off the board. ‘Really? Isn’t she old enough to be your mum?’
‘Woah,’ says Stuart holding his hands up. ‘You can’t diss Kylie.’
‘No, no, no,’ says Gaz shaking his head.
‘Move on,’ I whisper. ‘Move on quickly.’
‘OK, then, Danny, who would play Lydia in the movie of her life?’
I scribble down my answer, not having a clue who Danny would pick. This hasn’t exactly come up in passing.
‘So Danny . . .’ says Kerry leaning forward, clearly on tenterhooks.
‘Anne Hathaway.’
‘What?’ I say rolling over my board to reveal Jennifer Lawrence. Kerry and Lucy nod in approval. ‘You think Anne Hathaway would play me?’
‘What? She’s pretty and she’d play the girl-next-door role perfectly.’
Lucy and Kerry tut and shake their heads.
‘What’s wrong with Anne Hathaway?’ asks Danny, genuinely sounding hurt. ‘I thought you loved her in that movie, what was it, the Princess thing? You made me watch it.’
Gaz rolls his eyes.
‘No, it was when we were teenagers,’ he says for clarification. ‘Julie Andrews was in it.’
‘Oh, that’s doing your street cred so many more favours,’ says Gaz.
‘The Princess Diaries,’ I say. ‘She was all right in that. I mean she’s a really good actress, it’s just she’s not Jennifer Lawrence.’
‘She is not,’ says Kerry shaking her head. ‘Next up, Lydia, what’s Danny’s favourite part of your body?’
I don’t even hesitate before writing boobs, and, of course, I’m right. I am so winning this game.
‘Danny, what food would Lydia most want to lick off your body?’
I think back to his selection of spreads – if he writes sodding marmalade, the wedding’s off.
‘Nutella,’ he says and I give him a little congratulatory pat on the arm.
We breeze through the rest of the questions and it turns out we know each other surprisingly well, although it did highlight that we should maybe be a bit more adventurous as we both put doggy style for our favourite position, and the strangest place we’d had sex was in my room whilst Frozen was playing in the living room above.
‘So,’ I say yawning theatrically, ‘have you got much more planned for us? It’s been rather a long day.’
‘No, that’s it for tonight,’ says Lucy. ‘We’re saving the best for tomorrow.’
‘Can’t wait,’ I say sarcastically. ‘So, we’ll see you all for breakfast, then.’
I expect them to get the hint and drink up, and I’m relieved when Lucy and Kerry jump up.
‘Right, let’s go,’ says Lucy, trying to pull me up too.
‘Uh, what do you mean? I’m staying here.’
‘Oh no, we might have given you a joint hen and stag do, but we’re separating you overnight.’
I look at Danny in horror.
‘Come on,’ says Lucy picking up my bag from the corner of the lounge. ‘We’ve got a nice bed for you next door.’
I can’t believe we’re going to be separated all weekend. At this rate Danny and I will be sneaking off to the woodshed – but I guess at least that would help us with our need to be more adventurous with our sex life.
‘You know this is our only chance to see each other?’ I say pleading on behalf of my libido. ‘We’ve not seen each other all week.’
‘Well, it’s lucky you got a little bit of time together before we arrived, then, wasn’t it?’ says Kerry grinning. ‘Chop, chop.’
I lean down and kiss Danny on the lips.
‘Get a room,’ says Gaz, throwing crisps at our heads.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ I say longingly, as if I’m never going to see him again.
He doesn’t let go of my hand and instead pulls me in for another kiss before he whispers he’ll miss me.
I notice as we leave that Stuart has put another three tins of beer on the table. I’m guessing they’re not turning in any time soon.
This so wasn’t what we’d planned for our weekend away.
‘Come on, you’ll need your sleep,’ says Lucy, giggling. ‘You’ll need all your energy for what we’ve got in store for you tomorrow.’
No, not what I’d planned at all.