I see your stag do and I raise it tenfold with the hen do from hell for my friend, Caroline. I thought it was going to be a tame affair as she’s pregnant and we’d chosen Paris to be cultural. Only the rest of us ended up drinking Champagne like it was water, which turned out to be no bad thing as the Moulin Rouge cabaret evening that they’d planned was a bit less can-can, a bit more fan-fan, if you get what I mean. Needless to say, I don’t have any souvenirs to send you other than the mental scars I have on my brain.
Email; Lydia to Danny, April 2018
‘Right, so what’s on the agenda today then?’ I say skulking downstairs in a pair of oversized pyjamas. Lucy and Kerry very astutely guessed that I wouldn’t have packed anything to wear in bed, or at least anything that was suitable to wear in front of the girls, and they’d picked me up some pyjamas. And after the changing-room incident they’d erred on the side of caution and gone bigger just in case.
The stairs in the cottage lead straight into the open-plan lounge-diner and I notice that they’ve laid the table like it’s a B&B. Kerry pulls a tray of hot croissants out of the oven and gingerly picks each of them out and throws them down onto the plate, all the while blowing her fingers as they’re so hot.
‘Yum,’ I say feeling spoilt. ‘This looks amazing.’
‘I thought we’d start with these,’ she says handing me a cup of hot coffee.
‘Eat a lot,’ says Lucy sitting down at the table. ‘You need to keep your strength up.’
‘Oh God, please tell me that we’re not going ghyll scrambling. I don’t think I could do that again, and I’ve washed my hair this morning.’
‘No, your hair will be fine,’ says Kerry and I notice that Lucy wrinkles her eyebrows. ‘Oh yes, your hair might not be fine – but it won’t get wet.’
She smiles and nods as if this is a bonus but that just makes me fear that it’s going to get messy from bungee jumping. I keep reminding myself that a few weeks ago I told myself I was going to make more of an effort to #LiveMyBestLife and I should be embracing all these new adventures and spontaneity. Clearly, I should be careful what I wish for.
‘What time are we leaving?’ I say, reaching over and taking another croissant.
‘Nine o’clock,’ says Kerry.
I look up at the big clock in the living room; we’ve got an hour. I reach over for my phone to text Danny. Maybe he’s got some clue as to what we’re doing today and maybe we’ve got time to rendezvous at the wood pile.
I’ve got as far as typing Hey Sexy when the phone is snatched out of my hands.
‘What the—?’ I say looking up at Lucy, who’s turning it off and slipping it into her pocket.
‘I don’t think so,’ she says shaking her head. ‘Not on the hen do.’
‘No, no, no,’ says Kerry joining in.
I finish eating my second croissant in a bit of a sulk.
‘Right, we better get you ready,’ says Lucy, standing up.
‘But I haven’t finished my coffee.’
‘You can bring it with you,’ says Lucy.
Her eyes are dancing and I haven’t seen a smile on her face like this since she discovered that nutella had brought out a chocolate bar.
I slowly stand up and walk upstairs, wondering what horror is going to face me. For Kerry we went out with her dressed in a floral bridesmaid dress circa 1980. I can’t even hope that Lucy will go easy on me for fear of retaliation on her hen do, as, to be honest, she is up for anything when it comes to fancy dress, and she can pull anything off too.
I open the door and there, neatly laid out on the bed, are a pair of white yoga pants and a white camisole.
‘Um, is this it?’ I ask, cautiously. Despite the trousers looking a little MC Hammer I seem to be getting out of this lightly.
Lucy cackles with laughter. ‘There are more clothes, but pop these on first and then your dressing gown and we’ll dress you downstairs.’
I give my best scowl but Lucy winks at me before disappearing out of the door.
Ten minutes later, and I’m in the living room. I’m not the only one in odd clothing. Kerry’s in a red T-shirt and Lucy’s in a green one and both are wearing black leggings. I have no idea what is going on.
‘Do you think it’s time?’ asks Lucy.
‘I think so,’ says Kerry and she hands me a suit bag.
I don’t know if I really want to look, but I take it and hang it on one of the wooden beams and slowly unzip it.
There’s a purple waistcoat with gold trim inside.
‘Aladdin? You want me to be Aladdin,’ I say, slipping it on.
Lucy comes over and fastens the waistcoat together with a safety pin.
‘You need the hat.’
I look in the bag and there at the bottom is what looks like a puffy shower cap that’s got white and red spots on it.
‘Um . . .’ I say, looking at it.
‘We warned you your hair might get messed up,’ says Kerry laughing.
I look at them and then back down at the shower cap before I slip it on. ‘What the hell am I supposed to be?’ I ask, as I look at myself in the mirror.
Kerry and Lucy go over to the other side of the room and slip on dungarees and suddenly it all seems to fit into place. Especially when they attach oversized moustaches to their faces and put on their hats.
‘Mario and Luigi,’ I say giggling. They actually look pretty good. ‘So that makes me?’
‘Toad,’ says Kerry enthusiastically. ‘The mushroom from Mario Kart. We thought you’d like it because we used to play it with Danny all the time when we were kids.’
I nod. We did. We also used to play a lot of Donkey Kong too, so I guess it could have been worse.
‘We should go and see if the boys are ready,’ says Kerry, laughing.
‘Do we have to? I thought we were doing a girls thing today?’ I say, suddenly embarrassed. I’d been secretly hoping that I’d get to see Danny, but not dressed like this. Neither the waistcoat nor the trousers are flattering, and my mushroom head is doing nothing for me. I look like a prepubescent boy.
‘We are. It’s girls versus boys. Come on,’ says Lucy bundling me out.
All sense of embarrassment is eroded when I see Danny standing in front of me dressed as Princess Peach in a pink dress, blonde wig and complete with blue clip-on earrings that would give Pat Butcher a run for her money.
‘Hey you,’ he says, walking over and giving me a quick kiss. ‘Do you think it suits me?’
I look at his hairy legs sticking out of the bottom of the dress.
‘You’ve never looked sexier,’ I say, deciding that I definitely got out of this more easily than he did.
He laughs and pats me on the head.
‘My little mushroom. Imagine if we’d given them more time to plan this,’ he whispers.
‘The mind boggles.’
‘Right then, you two. That’s quite enough of that,’ says Gaz as he walks over. He’s dressed as evil Luigi in yellow dungarees. ‘Boys versus girls, remember. No fraternising with the enemy.’
‘Any idea?’ I ask Danny.
‘None,’ he says.
And with that I’m pulled away into Kerry’s car and I wave as Peach is put into Gaz’s.
*
Half an hour later, we’re standing at the side of an indoor go-kart arena. The staff gave us that not-another-stag-slash-hen-do-fancy-dress-group look then issued us with boiler suits to wear. I don’t look half bad in mine, or at least I look a whole lot better in it than in the outfit I arrived in. I’m guessing that’s not often the case.
Danny is looking particularly interesting in a boiler suit and a full face of make-up.
‘Now then, no one’s been drinking this morning, have they?’ says the guy in charge of putting us in the cars when we get trackside.
‘No,’ we all say shaking our heads.
Although I could have done with a glass of something half an hour ago when I was full mushroom. I see a nun walk out of the changing room and it makes my costume seem half decent. Surley she must be on a hen do. I do a double take, though, as her full-length robes are very convincing, but then I see the condoms stapled to the bottom of her costume. Yep, it definitely could have been worse.
‘As you’re doing girls versus boys, I’ve put the girls in red helmets and the boys in blue. You’ve got half an hour to see what time you get and the only twist is that you are racing like Mario Kart, so if you get close enough to the back of someone, you can shoot them with a laser.’
‘What, an actual laser?’ I ask, worried that this is sounding a little dangerous.
Danny winks at me as Kerry gives me a gentle shove.
‘They are real lasers, but not the kind that could slice you in half. Essentially, it’s the same as when you used to throw a shell to hit someone in the computer game. It’ll just slow them down.’
‘OK,’ I say, thinking that it sounds a little less scary.
‘Just remember that this isn’t dodgems, and you’ll be laughing. Now, did Simon already do the safety brief with you?’
We nod. Simon was very comprehensive with his safety briefing.
‘And you’ve signed your waivers?’
We all nod again.
‘Great, then get in your cars. The lights will flash overhead for a countdown and when they disappear, you go.’
‘That’s it?’ I mutter. ‘No practice laps?’
‘Not on a Saturday, we’re chock-a. You’ll be fine,’ says the guy as I double check my helmet’s safely fixed on my head.
‘Come on, Toad,’ says Kerry, ‘don’t let the girls down.’
We climb into our cars and Danny blows a kiss at me, which is a little disturbing as he has bright pink lipstick plastered on his face.
I look down at my pedals and try to remind myself which one is stop and which go, when all of a sudden the engines are revving and I look up to see the lights overhead disappearing and everyone is off but me. Bloody hell. I floor the accelerator and jerk off the starting line, desperately trying to catch everyone up.
Luckily for me it doesn’t take long to catch up, thanks to the lasers that everyone’s firing. It’s hilarious as, for a few seconds, the lasers make you slow right down as if you’re driving through treacle. I give a little wave as I weave and dodge between those who have been hit, until I’m in the lead. Woohoo. Or at least I am until I crash into a pile of tyres.
Stuart gives me a little sarcastic wave as I try and manoeuvre back onto the track, which only spurs me on.
I draw level with Lucy, who gives me a little thumbs-up as we’re not that far behind Danny and Stuart. Remembering that we’re girls versus boys, I shoot Danny with my laser and nip on round, letting out a cackle as I zoom past. I always remembered Mario Kart being fun when we were kids, but this takes it to a whole new level.
*
I’m just adjusting my mushroom hat ready for my podium entrance when Danny walks up to me. He slips his hand onto my back and pulls me towards him, bashing into me with his fake boobs.
‘I don’t remember the princess being quite so voluptuous.’
‘I think this is all from Stuart’s imagination.’
He leans over to give me a quick kiss.
‘I’ve missed you,’ he whispers into my ear.
‘I’ve missed you too,’ I purr back, and I’m about to give him another kiss when Stuart shows up.
‘Now, now, you two. You know the rules,’ he says, gently dragging Danny away.
I look around hoping to see one of the girls, when I see Gaz standing in the corner looking at his phone, his brow furrowed.
‘Hey there,’ I say, smiling as I walk over to him.
‘Hey,’ he says, putting his phone in his pocket.
He looks up at me and I can’t help thinking how ridiculous he looks with his giant moustache.
‘Listen, I’m sorry about lunch at our place last week. It got a little out of hand. I shouldn’t have had all that wine on an empty stomach.’
‘It’s fine. Really.’
‘It’s not. The lunch was supposed to be meeting you properly and getting to know you and I start telling you that I suspect my wife’s having an affair.’
‘It’s fine, really,’ I say again, hoping that someone will come and rescue me soon. Despite Danny not telling me everything before, it’s still making me feel awkward that I know that Gaz isn’t totally making it up.
‘Well, thanks for being so understanding, anyway.’
‘It’s no problem. We’ve all been there – it’s easy for our thoughts to run away with themselves.’
He nods. His eyes look tired and I get the impression that he’s been losing sleep over it.
‘The thing is, I keep calling her today. I even called her in the middle of last night on our home phone. I was so convinced that she was going to be with someone else.’
‘And?’
‘She gave me a bollocking for waking her up. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just convinced myself that she was having an affair and I was going to catch her out.’
Unless the person she’s having an affair with is here too I think, looking over at Danny, before instantly getting cross with myself. Ross has put all sorts of doubts into my head with his questions about Danny’s motivations and what he’s hiding.
I pat Gaz’s arm sympathetically. It’s all I can do, I don’t really feel I know him well enough to give him a proper hug.
‘Hey,’ says Lucy bounding up, and I sigh with relief. ‘I hope you’re not fraternising with the enemy.’
‘Not at all,’ I say, smiling and remembering that I’m on my hen do.
‘Good, because they’re doing the podium now. Get ready to take your place.’
I smile back and try to tell myself that I’m wrong about Danny and Victoria.
‘I guess we’re not going to live it down that we got beaten by the girls,’ says Gaz.
‘I don’t think so,’ I say, just as we get called up to take our place.
I climb up and the boys stand in front of us bowing their heads that they’ve lost out to us.
Kerry pops the cork of a bottle of Prosecco and pours me a glass, which I practically inhale as we start to sing ‘We Are the Champions’.
I feel uneasy after the conversation with Gaz and I need to take the edge off it.
‘Blimey, there was no hanging about with that Prosecco, was there?’ says Lucy as she tops me up. ‘You’ll have to pace yourself – we’ve got a whole day and evening still planned for you two. Besides, we’ve got a better use for this.’
She puts her thumb over the bottle top and starts spraying us all.
‘Let’s get this party started,’ she says with a whoop.
Danny scoops me up and starts to run away with me as Lucy chases after us.
‘What have we let ourselves in for?’ he says, giving me a sneaky kiss.
He couldn’t be more right.