part0026

All too often, relationships end up being a minefield of old habits, baggage, unrealistic expectations and misunderstandings. Most of us enter relationships for companionship and to build a connection with someone special. Our intentions are sweet, honest and good. Yet why is it that so many of them go sour?

According to neuropsychologist, Marsha Lucas “Autopilot is the big enemy in relationships.” Functioning on autopilot means reacting to situations the same way we did as kids in our child/parent relationship. Even as adults we tend to mirror the same actions we had as kids.” Why is this?

The reason is because most of the wiring in our brains that affect relationships happens very early on in life. For example, fearful events become etched in the emotional part of our brain as kids. Marsha Lucas says that “In the realm of relationships, any fearful or painful or potentially unsafe memories of long-ago relationship experiences are in standby mode, ready to ‘help’ you avoid being hurt today.”

This early wiring can cause:

…repeated discrepancies in relationships

…the infliction of certain embedded beliefs or unexpected ideals onto the other person

…the repetition of unnecessary behaviors that lead to the same arguments over and over again.

Luckily, previous mental wiring is reversible. As adults we are able to make new connections that can benefit us instead of hurt us and others.

Mindfulness enables us to rewire our brains in order to make our relationships long-lasting, fruitful and loving. When we apply mindfulness to relationships we strengthen and nurture them.

According to Marsha Lucas, “mindfulness can help us break out of the negative knee-jerk reactions we bring to relationships”

Becoming mindful allows us to accept responsibility for our thoughts and actions. Often in relationships it is easy to blame the other person for being difficult, not listening to us and not understanding us. When you start taking responsibility for your actions you weed out guilt and blame. This enables you to begin to put an end to repetitive dramas and reach a more intimate, meaningful place with your partner and with yourself.

Mindfulness helps you:

…control your emotions

…observe your reactions to things in order to change them

…manage your body’s reactions to certain events

…calm your fears and anxieties

These are all necessary ingredients for healthy relationships.

With a newly rewired brain that sees things for what they really are, your initial reaction of nitpicking something about your partner will be overridden by a loving conversation that nurtures each of your needs.

Mindfulness helps your brain make choices in the present moment that serve you and the relationship that you are in.

Mindfulness allows you to be fully present to enjoy and appreciate being with friends and family. When you immerse yourself into the experience of really being with others, you create quality time with them.

Mindfulness makes you a better listener. When you are living in the present moment you can really listen to what the other person is saying. This gives that person a feeling that what they are saying is important and shows them that you care about them and what they are saying.

Mindfulness makes you more empathetic. Showing empathy is the act of understanding the other person’s condition from their perspective. When you put yourself in their shoes it expresses concern and care for that person.

Mindfulness makes you better at communicating. When you are aligned with conscious awareness of your own thoughts and feelings it allows you to express your experiences more clearly.

Being more mindful and present to the truth in a situation stops you from applying past misconceptions and future suffering to it. This enables you to avoid a lot of conflict and remain closer and connected to your partner.

When a couple works together in a mindful way to nurture their relationship, there is a lot of understanding, compassion, love and heart that is applied to that relationship.

Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn said “When we know ourselves, we become stronger in our relationships.” Mindfulness enables you to observe yourself at a deeper, truer level in order to weed out your bad habits and replace them with good ones. When you do this you help not only yourself but your relationships.