“How come nothing ever gets to you?” I ask him later. After the movie, after the making out, as we prep the pair of sleeping bags on his bedroom rug.
“What makes you think that?” he says, wriggling into his bag.
“You’re so calm and comfortable about everything.” He’s genuinely not upset that I ruined his date plan. He’s been chill and affectionate all night, while I’m over here worrying about everything.
“That’s how I seem to you?” He sounds genuinely surprised.
“You’re always so cheerful and brave. Like you can do anything, and be fine with it.”
I scoot into my bag and Matt rolls toward me. “Well, someone has to look out for you, I guess,” he says. “So maybe I have to be strong.” He rests his head on my chest.
I hold him in the silence, for so long I think he’s fallen asleep.
“But I don’t feel any of what you said,” he says. “Maybe I just don’t know how to be another way on the outside.”