There’s something that happens when Matt drinks for a while. A switch that gets flipped or a window that gets opened. It doesn’t happen every time, there must be some magic formula, and maybe it’s weird, but I look forward to those times. I love how we escape into fantasies and games and fooling around most of the time, but it’s comforting, too, to know he’s trusting me with something we can’t talk about in the full light of day.
We curl up on the basement couch, watching a cheesy action movie. Then he lets me tell him about Sheila, and the jokes she’d have made at the actors’ expense. It’s a relief, for a change, that he doesn’t shut it down or try to deflect.
“All this time we spend not thinking about death,” he goes. “I’m always thinking about it.”
“Me too, I guess.”
He’s quiet for a beat.
“You’re dealing with a lot,” I say. “It’s impressive how you handle everything.”
“I don’t know how much more I can take,” he says.
“Of what?”
Matt shrugs, chugs what remains of his drink. He sets it aside and leans against me, resting his head in my lap and pulling my arm across his chest.
I cradle him. “You can tell me. I like knowing what’s going on with you.”
His arms are folded over his chest. I gently touch the exposed ring of bruises on his wrist. He pulls his sleeve to cover it again. “Don’t.”
“What happened today?” I ask. “You seemed upset when I got here.”
“Nah. I’m invisible. Invisible.” He frowns. “Invisible?”
“Invincible?”
“Yeah, that one.”
“You don’t have to be invincible all the time.”
“It’s a superpower,” he says. “Sometimes I think you’re the only one who sees me at all.”
Hmm. “Who do you want to see you?” I ask, but I’m pretty sure I already know. There’s no way I could wander half drunk around the house with my boyfriend and have it go unnoticed.
Matt shrugs. “There are worse things. Do you want to sit in the hammock?” He pushes himself up and I sense that the window has closed.
“Sure.” I pull him to his feet and he leans on me, wrapping his arms around me and dancing me toward the hammock. He laughs.
All week at school and after, Matt is all smiles and sunshine, energy and escape. We glory in each other’s total commitment to goofiness. It’s a blur of video games, laser tag, hammock time, making out. When I stay over on the weekends, it’s different. Softer. Like this.