In the dream, I burst into Sheila’s bedroom, ranting at her about something exciting. I feel the excitement, but I don’t know what it’s about. But it annoys her immediately.
“Shut up, dorkopterix.”
“Dork-a-what?”
“Dorkopterix. You’re a total dorkopterix.”
“What is that, like a dorky dinosaur?”
“It’s you, dorkopterix.”
“That’s not a thing. You just made it up.”
“Maybe I like how it sounds, dorkopterix.”
“Maybe I should punch you in the face.”
“Go ahead and try, dorkopterix. You’d have to stand on a table.”
“I can jump pretty high.”
“Dorkopterix is a land-bound reptile. No jumping ability.”
“I can too jump.”
“No can do, dorkopterix.”
“There’s no such thing as a dorky dinosaur. Dinosaurs are awesome.”
“They were until you came along, dorkopterix.”
“Stop calling me that.”
“Dorkopterix.”
“Stupid-head.”
“Oh, that’s original.”
“Stupidopterix.”
“There’s no such thing as a stupid dinosaur, you dorkopterix.”
“Mom!”
“Only dorkopterixes tattle. Tattle-o-saurus.”
“If there’s a tattle-o-saurus, then they’re the ones who tattle. Not dorkopterix.”
“Fair enough.”
“Ha.”
“So you are accepting your place in the reptile kingdom as dorkopterix?”
“Yes, and dorkopterix is the ruler of all the land.”
“Dinosaur land?”
“Yes.”
“That’s tyrannosaurus.”
“T. rex is the king of lizards. I am the prime minister.”
“What are you talking about?”
“In England they have a king and a prime minister. The king is big and showy, like T. rex, but the prime minister is actually in charge.”
“How do you know that?”
“I know things.”
“I can’t believe you know that. You’re such a dorkopterix.”
“So what are you going to be?”
“What?”
“What kind of dinosaur? You don’t have to be stupidopterix anymore.”
“I’m not a dinosaur, you dweeb.”
“Please. Call me dorkopterix. Aren’t we going to play?”
“Play?”
“Dinosaurs.”
“God, no. I have a life.”
“You started it.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Arrgh. I said ‘shut up, dorkopterix—’”
“See.”
“—because I was hoping you’d shut up and leave me alone.”
“Didn’t work, did it?”
“Oh my God. Get out of my room.”
“Ha ha ha.”
“Dorkopterix is such a perfect word for what you are.”
“Ha ha ha.”
“Would you please go?”
“Ha ha ha.”
“Mom!”
“Tattle-o-saurus alert! Tattle-o-saurus alert!”
“You little—”
“Dorkopterix?”
“Oh my God.”
“Zzzzzzzz. Boring-o-saurus. That’s you.”