“The guy who designed the game is gay,” Matt explains. “He coded in special keystrokes for, you know, guys like us.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to blurt “I’m not gay” like I usually do. Except that would be silly now, considering.
I pick at the tiniest ink spot on the shorts Matt has loaned me. What we just did … it wasn’t like doing it, I know that, but it was kind of. It’s harder to look at him now, although I want to more than ever.
“How did you know?” I say again, because he hasn’t answered the question.
“I have reasonably good gaydar,” Matt says. “I’ve noticed you.”
“I’m not gay.” It slips out that time.
He shrugs. “Okay.”
“You think I’m gay?” Do other people think this? Maybe the secret isn’t that much of a secret, after all.
“Doesn’t matter what I think,” he says. “I didn’t mean to put you on the spot.”
“I mean, I—” My voice sort of stalls.
Matt puts two fingers to my lips. Electric. “Shh. It’s okay.”
Except it’s not. If Matt was a girl, we maybe could be kissing by now. As it is his fingers on my lips have to be enough, because I can’t, even though we … I just can’t.
“I’m sorry,” Matt says. “I shouldn’t have … but I really wanted to.”
“Yeah.” Me too.
Just kiss him, Sheila’s voice says. Give him a big gay kiss and then you can run off and have big gay babies and live happily ever after.
“I won’t tell anyone or anything.”
Chicken.
“Me either,” Matt says.
“I think I might be…” My voice trails off.
Chickenshit.
“Shh. I know. It’s okay. You shouldn’t have to say it until you’re really, really ready to. Trust me.”
I love Matt. He makes everything easy. I soften into it.
“It would be okay,” I tell him, “if you, you know…” I put my arms up a little.
Matt smiles. Smiles in this way that’s, well, it’s kind of heartbreaking, actually. He slides off his bed and kneels on the floor beside me. His hands fall on my arms, right below the elbows, which are resting on my thighs.
“I love what we did,” I tell him. “Thank you.”
“I never did it before with anyone,” he says. “Just by myself.”
“I’m always by myself,” I admit.
“Me too.” He squeezes my arms, in the same place. I’m halfway excited again, because he’s so close now.
Matt leans in and hugs me, his hands sliding up my arms, over my shoulders to my back, and he pulls me toward him and my chin tucks over his shoulder. It falls right into place like a jigsaw piece.