i sing the madness and the light,
the evangelist gone off the rails

in the back of a tour bus in the
sanctum now silent i ride down
the road

the rain rushes over the black
glass of the window as a night
rushes by

ordinary people in their homes
all asleep but i hurtle along in the
wake of a storm

music that rings on in my ears
won’t let me sleep i am exhausted
but wired ever so tired

the bus sloshes through the rain
somewhere a million miles away
past factory past field

the others are all asleep in their
bunks dreaming of god knows
what in the close dark

but sleep is elusive so i sit
here alone as the outside
goes by

last night we hit some town whose
name has already escaped my
memory

my memory has somehow become
full … events queue up to be
admitted

things go in one eye and out
the other

we check into some motel or is
it a hotel or a motor inn or a
travelodge … ?

yes that was us a rowdy crowd
at three in the morning walking
through the door

arguing over this and that like
incidentals and credit cards and
queen-size beds

i take my key and drag my
suitcase up to my room and kick
open the door

the room is nondescript functional
neutral neither welcoming or ugly

inside over a desk is a full length
mirror and i catch sight of myself

crumpled tired stoned stupid
dishevelled barbarian minstrel
idiot

i stand for a long time just gazing
at myself and what has become
of me

i fuck around for ages with the air
conditioner and its remote control

it’s pumping out cold air and
i’m freezing from the inside out
anyway

i can’t make it stop so i stuff a
pillow into its vent in frustration

i crawl into the bed and i dream
that same old nightmare where
everything is going wrong

i’m standing onstage and it’s all a
mess, i can’t remember the words
or the music

even in sleep i am pursued by
myself

some part of my mind can’t leave
itself alone and it invents another
thing to worry about

in the morning i wake up sick and
cold and feeling lonely like the sky

i ring home and a woman’s voice
answers

oh it’s you … says the voice
and i sit there in my motor inn
somewhere wondering what to say

we had a great gig the other night
… i hear my voice as though from
a great distance

there is a silence on the line for a
while and in that time the miles
crackle and the satellites roar

great … says the woman’s voice
and again i wonder if that’s it or
should i say something more

well … i say … i was just checking
in i guess …

ok … says the voice half
disappointed half glad that our
conversation has ended

i love you … i say but i realise
i am talking to a dead line that
leads to nowhere

i go downstairs for breakfast
standing in a bit of a line with
businessmen i presume

a slice of toast goes round on a
machine while a yellow liquid
labelled orange juice drips from
a spout

i sit down with a couple of the
road crew and one of the band

they’re arguing over some stupid
football result and i move away
again before i go outside

outside it’s like there is no
weather at all … no heat no cold
no rain no shine no anything

i light up a smoke and i verily go
into a dream standing there on
that street in the non weather

we were doing sound check and
i was waiting around in the
vestibule

i was so fucking tired and stoned
and hungry and had filled up on
smarties from a machine

three cappuccinos had given me
the shakes and the screaming
wee wees

i am an astronaut cut off from
earth and i have entered some
other space

i go on unthinking through my
ritual and some automatic part of
me takes over

i climb onstage at the sound
check and the guy hands me
my guitar

i walk up to a microphone and out
comes that familiar voice

the fingers on my hands seem to
know what to do and they wander
over the strings and frets

the words come out of storage and
the voice sings them out

and the real me is standing back
thinking about something else

every now and then the process
is disrupted by a vile stab of
feedback piercing my ears

or i stop to fiddle around with the
settings on my guitar

people wander into the room to
watch us sound check and they
stand there gawking

the band have a little argument
about what we will play and i feel
embarrassed and frustrated

everyone in the band is tired of
everyone else … our betrayals and
alliances are a tangled web no one
can sort out

every word is loaded and every
gesture symbolic and this tour has
been volatile

an ongoing collision of ambitions
and agendas with brutal clashes
and long cold silences

jesus christ everything in my life
is some kind of battle or some
kind of prolonged negotiation

it’s hard to remember why
everyone is angry with each other
and the chronology of trespasses

we stumble through a few
numbers and suddenly the sound
check ends when we run out
of time

outside it’s cold and the band
run into some people we know
and we go off for dinner

even at dinner we compete for
attention as we do on the stage

private and financial grievances
are aired while unpleasant looks
are exchanged

after dinner i go back to my
room and watch some doco and
end up asleep

i wake up groggy and disoriented
when someone bangs on my door

the bus is leaving for the gig
in five minutes i run around
ineffectually getting my
stuff together

i try ironing a shirt but i just put
more wrinkles into it

i go out on the balcony and have
yet another smoke and i fall
deeper within my haze

at the gig our dressing room is
full of people i don’t know if
i know

i nibble on the chocolates and
chips at hand and i feel nervous
and a little unsure

i hear the sound of the audience
coming from the other side of the
curtains chatting and laughing

i get into my outfit for the night
and i go and look in the mirror …
fuck knows what i’m s’posed
to be …

the others in the group look
similarly shoddy but the word
we use is bohemian …

the people in the dressing room
make themselves at home with
the food and the drink

there is some woman from our
record company there and she’s
kind of frowning at me

she comes over and talks to me
eventually … apparently i’m
s’posed to remember her from
somewhere …

i’m trying to think of something
encouraging to say to her when
the tour manager kicks ’em all out

fifteen minutes till you go on,
gentlemen …

he wryly smirks … we are not
gentlemen at all … at least not
towards each other …

this town we are playing tonight
needs to be reconquered says
some napoleonic twit from the
record company

they see it like that i guess
and i feel some pressure on my
shoulders to be good

actually i don’t feel good at all or
even ok or even just middling

i am in some kind of conflict with
everyone in my tiny world and
everything has become complex

the more complex the more i drift
away and then it all becomes even
more complex

once when i was a kid i thought
touring in a band would be a lot of
fun and i was not wrong

there certainly is fun fun fun
of all and every description to
be had

but there’s a lot of waiting around
while other people obliviously fuck
about with stuff

listening to the same old stories
over’n’over as you come to each
new place

and we big note ourselves all
over again

the familiarity sure breeds
contempt in spades and the
backstabbing of everybody
is endemic

we whinge and whine about
each other incessantly moaning
and banging on about our many
personality flaws

actually all members of the group
are quite nutty only each believes
he is the sane one

we are like europe at the outbreak
of world war one constantly
plotting against itself

we are jealous we are childish we
are nasty we are stupid

we also happen to be an incredible
band which is due to luck and
talent only

the members indulge in continual
acts of brinkmanship threatening
to quit the band and fuck it all up

certain friends of certain members
stir up trouble and try to
foment revolt

each friend whispers to his band
member that he is truly the
indispensable one

tensions swirl around me as i am
the most brooding and seemingly
sarcastic member

people either love me or hate me
but i seem to meet far more of the
latter variety

of course many of the ones who
start out loving me end up hating
me too

though rarely the other way
around strangely enough ha ha

someone hands me another smoke
and we fire it up in the toilet

i’m seriously off my trolley now
plus my first and only drink of the
day has kicked in

a big shot of mescal … everything
is moving in pulsating rhythm just
out of eyeshot

the intro music comes on and i feel
like i wish i was anywhere else

i just wanna crawl into a bed
somewhere and hide from the
world but this is the exact opposite

i have yet another nervous piss
and even then someone knocking
at the door telling me to bloody
hurry up

we go onstage and there is a bit of
a roar a bit of a cheer then it goes
all quiet

our first song building in
momentum slowly and lifting off
from the ground

my fingers work the guitar and my
voice works the words

it all goes off fairly smoothly and
a lot of my early discomfort is
now gone

as we play song after song i begin
to lose myself in it all

i start to drown in the sound we
are creating succumbing to my
own spell

the crowd have ceased to exist
for me oh i s’pose i can see them
beyond the dazzling lights

they sway and clap or just
stand there listening with their
eyes closed

i am lost to myself as i move
about the stage bobbing and
weaving to the beat

i break out in sweat and soon i
am drenched as i pump away at
my guitar and sing out hoarsely

it’s so easy i just switch off
and stand back and watch it
all happen

the music has become effortless
and it flows away from us like a
river of sound

i turn around and lock eyes with
our drummer and we start to
hammer down together

some strange thing has happened
i have become weightless painless
the worries of the day all gone

the whole band has synched up
to something bigger than itself
and we are off on a cloud

oh how to describe that place
that music can take you to when
you’re having an ‘on’ night

my body on complete automatic
now my mind vacated by my soul
which detaches its self

in some non-verbal place a realm
of ineffable sound as me ’n’ the
drummer pound down and down

it seems that life must change
after something this profound but
no eventually we touch the ground

i reach for my towel the sweat is
gushing from my skull

we start another song this one is
quietly insistent and i lose myself
within it all again

eventually with a load of
commotion and carrying on the
gig ends and spits me out

i have a long shower and change
back into my street clothes and i
try to redo my hair

the dressing room has filled up
with people by now and some of
them make a bee-line for me

too late to get away i am
surrounded by people demanding
some kind of response

so i go into my head but there are
no responses to be found

the volume the heat the lights the
travel the crowd

the two hours running around
with a guitar and yelling out have
all rendered me null and void

ooh he’s a rude bastard … says a
disgruntled customer pushing his
way out of the room

some pretty woman is smiling
at me as some incomprehensible
wanker rambles on in my ear

some big geezer next to the pretty
woman is frowning at the same
time in my direction

some other wanker is interrupting
the first wanker to disagree with
his analysis of the uh situation

they both look up to me for some
kind of explanation but i am
shell shocked

a jet-lagged doped-up insomniac
rascal i just couldn’t give a
fuck about my lyrics or their
interpretations of ’em

others break through the queue
formed around me while others
stand back and watch my
social ineptitudes

oh boy i say as the room whirls
round and round and all the faces
get closer and closer

a woman is squeezing my thigh
while a guy tries to stick a tape
of his group in my pocket

the other guys in the group are
all laughing or arguing or deep in
conversation with someone

someone chops out some white
powder and i snort up a big line
which burns and freezes my nose

a serious out of body experience
as i float over myself as i stand
there with all these people
talking at me

i see myself pale and still
sweaty my empty aching head
and my singing ringing ears

i see the room from inside and
out and upside and down and
then nothing …

the next thing i know i’m riding
in a car and i sit up suddenly
against the seat belt

a soft female voice assures
me everything is ok and we’re
going back to my motel

who are you? … i ask as we
whizz past unfamiliar suburbs
and strange dark gardens

oh you know who i am … silly …
the female voice giggles and
purrs … as we zip along

oh gee my aching eyes even
when we stop i can’t really get
a good look at her

soon enough we’re inside my
room and her hands are inside
my shirt

wait a minute i’m trying to say
but she’s strong and persuasive

we fall on the bed and she’s
whispering something i can’t
understand

wait she says i gotta put some
music on and oh no it’s your band’s
music some old single you hate

insistent kisses quell your
resistance as she pushes you down
into the valley of night

whatever happens so long gone
from all memory now it’s all hard
to believe and then

she gets up and dresses and
quietly leaves you see her face
in the mirror briefly she is
not beautiful

you toss and turn looking for sleep
and then it finally arrives and it is
sweet and black

oh it envelopes your aches and
your pains and it takes every
question from your lips with a
gentle sshh

and you’re standing there with
sleep on the edge of its narcotic
nothingness and with one last
lingering gaze …

and then the telephone ring
ring ring hey man sorry were
you sleeping oh yeah look i’m
sorry ok …

you dive back under the blankets
but a noisy party has started up in
a room somewhere fathoms below

and you lie there groaning there is
no escape from whatever it is that
whips you forwards and goads
you on

have another smoke on the
balcony it’s getting light in the
eastern sky and the motel has
grown quiet

you lie down in the bed in this
room you will never see again and
sleep arrives once more

and this time you depart and you
disappear into that wonderful
healing realm if only for an hour
or two

for soon the heavy hand of a tour
manager will bang on your door

and you wake up to find you are
doing it all over again … i sing the
infernal eternal tour …