Carrie Barrepski
I have always thought of my disabilities as characteristics. Having cerebral palsy, congenital heart disease, and being hearing impaired and legally blind does not define who I am. From an early age, I was never afraid to try anything new, from ballet to playing the guitar. Even though there were difficulties, I have enjoyed every single minute of the experience. Life is full of challenges and obstacles that can be overcome with the right attitude and hard work. I have always been strong-willed and determined. One of my husband’s favorite quotes from Steve Jobs’s biography says it all. Bill Atkinson, an Apple engineer, reflecting on one of his breakthroughs in the Apple II /very early Mac days, said, “Because I didn’t know it couldn’t be done, I was enabled to do it.” I have always believed that there is a solution to every problem as long as you believe in it. The key is to never give up and keep on trying until you get it right.
Support and Challenges
I was very fortunate in my childhood to have the best parents possible and the most fun sister in the world, who made my childhood very enjoyable. I also formed one of the longest, best friendships of my life with Shannon, the girl next door. Even though we later went through years of separation, we always managed to find each other and keep our friendship intact. I feel thankful that I had a good support system with family and friends.
I have developed many tools and learned many lessons from my experiences with disabilities. The most important one was to learn how to be a strong advocate. After graduating from high school, I went from having teachers take care of all of my accessibility needs to having to do it all on my own, such as finding my own note takers in college, explaining my disabilities to my professors, and getting documents enlarged. I also learned how to use my voice to express my concerns and needs in a productive way. In addition, I acquired compassion for people in similar situations, and I am always willing to help.
I faced many obstacles in my high school and college years. One of them was that a high school guidance counselor told me I should not bother applying to colleges due to low SAT scores. At first I was devastated, but my teaching consultant, Terry Leaga, counseled me that SAT scores were not the only things that colleges looked at; they also considered factors such as GPA and individual characteristics. Another challenge that occurred in high school was that I had to deal with an ignorant teacher who did not want a disabled student in his class. For instance, he faced the chalkboard while talking, refused to give me materials to be enlarged, and made me feel unwelcome. He was reprimanded and had to deal with me in his class. Despite his behavior, I passed his class with high grades. During my college years, I had to prove myself over and over again. However, in all, I loved my college years, and it is there that I met one of my best friends, Danielle.
Soul Mates
The most important relationship that I have developed in my life is with my husband, Frank. I found it difficult to meet people because I was being judged by my disabilities rather than my character. One night, in an online hearing loss chat room, I met a fellow chatter with a hearing loss. Frank had gotten a cochlear implant in 1997, and we had similar experiences with our hearing loss. In classes, Frank often used an FM system for the deaf, which is essentially a miniature radio station in which a microphone worn by the professor transmits the sound to the person wearing a receiver that amplifies the sound for that person.
Frank has had his own challenges with his hearing loss. One experience he had was with a college professor who didn’t want to use the microphone for the FM system. After the school’s Disability Services Office was informed of this, the professor was ordered to wear the microphone. However, a relationship grew between Frank and the professor to the point where at the end of the class Frank was asked to be a teaching assistant for that class the next semester, which he continued doing for most of his years there.
We soon discovered that we had similarities from our childhoods and family life. Both of our fathers were insurance fraud investigators and both passed away while we were in college. We each have one older sister. We are both bookworms and love computers. Our bond grew stronger over the two years that we chatted until we decided to meet in May 2004. At that time, Frank flew from Massachusetts to Michigan to meet me. We then flew back and forth visiting each other, and by Thanksgiving 2004 we were engaged to be married. In June 2005, we were married surrounded by family and friends. Due to Frank’s law practice, I moved to Massachusetts and built up my freelance writing career. I have been very fortunate to grow a strong, loving relationship with my in-laws, who became my second family. As of this writing, we have been married eight years and counting.
My Yoga Background
All the support I had, in addition to my own determination, encouraged me to try many things. In my late 20s, I began looking for an exercise program that would meet my needs. I chose yoga because somebody told me it was good for stiff muscles and flexibility. I tried several yoga DVDs, but I felt intimidated by many of the advanced yoga poses. Then I discovered Seane Corn’s DVDs, Vinyasa Flow Yoga: Uniting Movement and Breath. It was Seane’s instructions and modifications of yoga poses that helped me fall in love with the practice, and soon I was doing it every day.
In my practice I use yoga props such as blocks and straps to modify yoga poses. Seane herself demonstrated many of these options. I also experimented with my practice, coming up with my own variations of yoga poses. I came to trust and listen to my body’s cues on what it can and cannot do. For example, in many of the floor exercises, such as the forward bend, I use a yoga strap. The yoga block is useful for doing poses such as Downward-Facing Dog.
I have kept up my morning practice with Seane, along with getting to know her through e-mail, Facebook, and workshops. She has become a mentor in my daily practice and work. After years of doing DVDs by myself, I felt brave enough to try a yoga class.
I remember being nervous because I make a lot of modifications to poses. When I arrived at the yoga class, I spoke with the teacher about my physical limitations and making my own modifications. He reassured me that I would be fine and to just take my time. I felt connected with the other students, and I was relieved to see that I was not the only one who needed to make modifications.
At the conclusion of the class, the teacher told me he was impressed with how I took care of myself and listened to my body. After being in the class, I realized each person’s practice is their own and yoga is about being mindful of what’s happening to your body. This mindfulness can be carried out in our daily life, in our eating, our words, and our actions. During a class at Kripalu Center, the teacher said: “Our yoga mat is our science lab because we are experimenting with our body movements.” I remember this when I am doing yoga; it is so true since our bodies move in different ways.
Off the Mat
One day I picked up a yoga magazine featuring Seane, who talked about spiritual activism in taking yoga off the mat into your daily life. This came at a time when I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, since I was unable to find a social work job that did not require a driver’s license, and I was stuck in a dead-end job at a department store. Seane’s words inspired me to turn my passions for writing and helping people with disabilities into my purpose.
I started writing for several online disability websites. Eventually, I wrote a monthly column called “Disability Talks” in my hometown paper, and I now have a weekly column. My platform for my work is to empower people with disabilities to be independent and advocate for themselves. I encourage individuals to focus on their strengths and talents while working on strengthening their weaknesses. I have written on many issues, such as laws, discrimination, health concerns, and coping with everyday life. I have also had the opportunity to speak to organizations on a variety of topics from advocacy to living with disabilities. I believe we each have a voice that deserves to be heard. I received an award for my work as a disability rights advocate from the Stavros Center for Independent Living.
One of my proudest accomplishments has been working on a project called the Wheel Walk. Stanley Park has been dedicated to making its park accessible for people with disabilities, such as having an adaptive walking trail and an ADA-accessible playground. Every summer a group of advocates, including myself, come together to bring awareness to accessibility in the park with activities that include a walkathon and a barbecue.
Yoga has helped me determine my passion and purpose as a writer and activist dedicated to helping to inspire people with disabilities. I will continue to do this by using my voice in love, passion, and compassion to make a difference.
My Body Image
I have struggled with my body image from having a hump in my back, curved shoulders, and a different-looking body. Shopping for clothing has been a challenge for me, especially dresses. After becoming engaged, I was confronted with the scary task of finding a wedding dress. I was petrified that I would not find a dress that fit properly. I remember pulling up to David’s Bridal Shop with my mother, who gave me the advice just to go in and have fun by trying on different dresses. Behold, the first dress I tried on was absolutely perfect. Both my mother and sister assured me that I looked beautiful and that this was going to be my wedding dress. Sometimes when you let go of your fears, things have a way of working out. I had feelings of shame and wanted to look like everyone else. The funny part of this is that in my work, I am always talking about how we are all beautiful, unique people inside and outside, and you would think I would take my own advice.
Since my childhood, my mother encouraged me to keep a journal. She would say that after writing down the negatives, turn the page and start fresh. This was her way of saying to let go of the negativity and focus on the positive. My parents taught my sister and me to never compare ourselves to each other because we are each our own person. I feel this is probably one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned. It is something that I express in both my personal and professional lives, along with the importance of being independent.
Today, I am still working on my body image and learning to follow my own advice to accept yourself for who you are. I am also learning that being healthy is an important part of body image, from eating healthy to exercising. I treat my body as a temple because we each have just one body to take care of.
Today I depend on my daily yoga practice with Seane Corn and Ashley Turner to keep me fit and balanced. My yoga practice along with Pilates always leaves me feeling healthy. I have also developed a strong spiritual and meditation practice with the help of Gabrielle Bernstein’s books. These practices keep me focused and positive every day. I follow a semi-vegetarian diet filled with fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and beans. I believe in eating in moderation and being mindful of what you put into your body—and that everybody deserves a small treat once in a while.
Health Challenges
In the spring of 2012, I was diagnosed with a leaky heart valve. My cardiologist told me the best treatment would be heart surgery to replace the valve. This was a reminder to me how important and precious our health is. After I had the surgery, I depended on my meditation and visual imagination to help deal with pain, fears, and frustration. I was also very blessed to have supportive family and friends who supported and encouraged me to get healthy. I soon learned the value of resting during my recovery. Today I still take time out during the day to rest. That experience has empowered me to put my health first while improving on my body image as a picture of good health.
Yoga is a valuable tool for dealing with negative self-talk. Combining meditation, deep breathing, and poses allows me to focus on the positive images while letting the negatives flow away. I am often reminded of a quote by one of my favorite yoga teachers, Kathryn Budig, who said, “Aim for your truth.” I take this to mean that the practice of yoga allows you to zero in on who you really are and what your goals are.
When I look in the mirror, I see a strong, free-spirited person who is beautiful on the inside and outside. I have grown to love myself, to be proud of who I am and what I have accomplished.
Becoming a Yoga Teacher
As a yogi, my practice affects every part of my life and has become a way of life. One of my longtime goals was to share my yoga experience with others with limitations. That opportunity developed when I attended the Off the Mat Leadership Training Series at the Omega Yoga Center in Rhinebeck, New York. It was there, at the organization founded by my teacher, Seane, that I decided to make my goals into a reality. This training was all about sharing your yoga practice and philosophy, and that’s just what I decided to do.
In the spring of 2013, I went through the Lakshmi Voelker chair yoga teacher training so I could help people with physical limitations such as mine enjoy the full benefits of yoga. Like me, Lakshmi believes everyone can do yoga. This training program was conducted over Skype, with Lakshmi’s camera connected to our TV so the lessons would be easier with my visual impairment. I instantly fell in love with the classes, especially learning how to adapt poses to the chair, including Sun Salutations, balance poses, and the Warrior pose series. Now my favorite activity is to find new ways to adapt yoga to the chair.
When I taught my first class, I felt as I if I was being guided by my teachers to share my love of yoga with others. I spoke from my heart and my truth, empowering my students to feel the power of yoga. Some of my favorite feedback is that I have passion and love for the practice that is shared with everyone. Now that I am a teacher, I am much more aware of my self-image because I want to reflect positive feelings to my students. I want to practice what I teach, from self-love to healthy habits.
It thrills me to no end to be living out my passion and purpose of helping people with disabilities be independent and proud of who they are. I love sharing my experiences and inspiring people to be more active in their lives and communities. I am living my best life because I am able to combine my three passions of yoga, writing, and disability advocacy into one connective group. I am proud to be a wife, yogi, writer, teacher, and activist.
Carrie Barrepski is a disability rights activist and columnist writing about disability issues to help and inspire others. As a longtime yogini, she is a Lakshmi Voelker chair yoga teacher sharing the joy of yoga with those with physical limitations. www.carriewrites.net. Author photo courtesy of The Republican.