Get What You Want: D-E-A-R M-A-N
Directions: To get what you want in a stressful situation that triggers old aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviors, use the D-E-A-R M-A-N technique. Use this worksheet to do it differently.
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
(stay) Mindful
Appear confident
Negotiate
DESCRIBE the trigger event: (tell the person exactly what you are reacting to)
___________________________________________________
How could you EXPRESS your feelings or opinions (use “I want,” or “I don’t want,” instead of “I need,” “You should,” or “I can’t”) most effectively in response to this trigger event?
___________________________________________________
How could you ASSERT yourself by asking for what you want and saying “no” clearly? (assume that others cannot read your mind and do not know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want)
___________________________________________________
How would you REINFORCE or reward the person ahead of time by explaining the positive effect of you getting what you want or need? (how could you reward them afterwards)
___________________________________________________
How could you stay MINDFUL and focused on your goal? (stay on your point, ignore attacks, threats, etc., or express your opinion continuously)
___________________________________________________
How would you APPEAR CONFIDENT and effective? (use a confident voice and physical manner, make good eye contact)
___________________________________________________
How would you NEGOTIATE to get what you want? (be willing to compromise, offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem)
___________________________________________________