15
APPLE GROVE GAZETTE
Apple Grove, Illinois
Tuesday
Margaret Bader-Conklin Returns, Announces News
by Yolanda Toynsbee, Editor
Last Friday, the good citizens of Apple Grove had a surprise when a formerly missing person showed up alive and well at City Hall after an absence of 19 days. When asked where she had been, Mrs. Bader-Conklin replied, “I was in mourning. On a cruise, if that’s any of your business. To Cyprus and Italy. It was lovely this time of year.”
This reporter questioned Mrs. Bader-Conklin on why her personal assistant, Mrs. Letty Grimm, who is also related to her by marriage, did not know her itinerary. Neither did Mrs. Bader-Conklin’s parents, according to Mrs. Grimm, who then felt it necessary to file a missing person report with the local police.
“It was all a misunderstanding,” Mrs. Bader-Conklin said. “My assistant was confused. I assure you it will not happen again. I apologize to all the good little people out there in Apple Grove for your confusion. I beg you to forgive my assistant for your fears on our behalf. I am fine. I was shocked about my husband, let me tell you. I just couldn’t face the world, and had to take treatment.
“Let me assure you that I will host a wake in the mayor’s honor at my earliest convenience. I couldn’t face it before. That is why I needed to go on a cruise,” she said. “I needed to make some decisions. Being near water helps.”
When asked how she felt about replacing her husband, Donald Conklin, Apple Grove’s own mayor, Mrs. Bader-Conklin declared that she was ready to serve.
“The mayor trusted me. I miss him dreadfully.”
This reporter asked what caused her to leave home so abruptly and what prompted her return.
“Most people are not aware of this, but the mayor was unstable for quite some time. I’ve tried to keep this quiet, but I can no longer do so. The fact is, the mayor hoarded a large sum of money under suspicious circumstances. He made overtures to business people under false pretenses. I’m just glad he was stopped. Not that I’m glad he was stopped so ignominiously, of course.
“But I hurried back as soon as I could to make sure the people of this city know I’m going to do all I can to make things right.”
What will Mrs. Bader-Conklin do to stop her husband’s plans? This reporter asked.
“I have my own plans,” Mrs. Bader-Conklin replied.
When asked what kind of plans, Mrs. Bader-Conklin responded, “No comment.”
When asked if she would seek training or other legal counsel to help her in the role of mayor, Mrs. Bader Conklin replied, “I plan to serve all the good people of Apple Grove as long as I can.
“The former mayor wanted to update the poorly maintained utilities. I will make sure we get the newest, most modern water works money can buy.
“The former mayor wanted to provide business opportunities. I will bring better ones.
“Everyone will work. In fact, let me tell all the people the marvelous good news now about the wonderful good fortune for all of you out there. MerriFood Corporation, an international conglomerate of food products of all kinds, has agreed to open a branch of their pet food packaging and distribution division in Apple Grove.”
MerriFood is a sixty-seven-year-old company, founded by four partners, including the grandparents of Margaret Bader-Conklin. The Bader family owns substantial stock and Mrs. Bader-Conklin once held the position of research assistant at MerriFood until her marriage and subsequent settlement in Apple Grove.
Vice President of Marketing for MerriFood, Van Gerke, had this to say: “MerriFood is pleased to bring our Better Pet brand packaging division to America’s heartland. Our base in Apple Grove is a good business move for MerriFood, a move that will benefit both the company and the local populace.
“The environmental impact studies will be completed soon and, I’m told, already looks favorable. The new rail line extension plans, and storage facility blueprints are already finished.
“We will begin hiring approximately one hundred employees beginning early next year. Details and contact information will be forthcoming.”
Mrs. Bader-Conklin plans to implement an ordinance from the annals of Apple Grove which state that a deputized member of the current mayor’s family may step in as acting mayor in an emergency situation.
The question remains. Has Mrs. Bader-Conklin ever been deputized? She claims the distinction and the proof. Apparently eleven years ago when the mayor underwent a tonsillectomy, he deputized Mrs. Bader-Conklin to meet visiting dignitaries from our sister city in Mexico, Cabo San Isidro Bueno, for the afternoon.
City Council President, Rupert Murphy, is filing a protest on behalf of Apple Grove with the National Association of Mayors, or NAM.
“NAM will declare that woman’s claims invalid,” stated Mr. Murphy in an exclusive interview over the weekend.
“You mark my words. Apple Grove will have an election to fill the mayor’s term. I will be the winner, fair and square. I don’t need to resort to mothballed tactics to win. The good people of this city expect me to serve them with dignity and honor. I will not disappear for weeks on end, or spend our money ill-advisedly.”
Chief Gene Hackman for the Apple Grove Police Department stated that the force was doing “everything in our power to apprehend the criminals who were responsible for the death of our mayor.”
When asked about the measures being undertaken to locate the perpetrators, the chief had this to say: “All I can tell you is that we’re doing our best. We are following numerous leads, continuing from the mayor’s last known location. I can’t go into any more detail than that.”
It is the sincerest best wishes of the staff of the Apple Grove Gazette that the case will be solved.
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Notice: Stray Animals
Due to recent reports of several stray animals, the Humane Animal Shelter will conduct a sweep of loose animals. Under City Ordinance and by order of the acting mayor, all collarless and unidentified cats will be picked up and held for ten days and be tested for cat scratch disease. After which time, any unclaimed animals will be destroyed.
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