CHAPTER THREE

Self-pity

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW HARD LIFE CAN BE. I WAS widowed in my early thirties and my life has never been the same and, just when I thought it was … well, it wasn’t. So I get it. I really do.

But wallowing in our own misery and getting trapped in the ‘poor me’ syndrome is not the answer.

So what is this syndrome, and do you suffer from it? More importantly, if you do, what can you do about it?

Now before we get into this, here’s a word of warning. No one likes to admit this might be them, so it’s easy to dismiss the idea. Before you do that, please take a moment and ask yourself how often you find yourself in situations like this. Better to be honest and change it than sweep it under the carpet and ignore it. You don’t need to make any public confessions, but a private one is a great place to start.

POOR ME …

* It generally develops in people who feel that life has happened to them; the more attention they pay to the negative side of their life, the more they believe that story. Soon enough, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

* What starts off as a mild form of frustration or despair with their current life turns into long-term pessimism, distrust, self-pity and the belief that their life is out of their control.

* People who suffer with ‘poor me’ syndrome are easily spotted as they generally tend to blame other people and outside circumstances. They may not necessarily talk about it a lot, but when they do you will rarely hear them admitting they were the ones who messed things up. It will always be down to external forces and circumstances beyond their control. Either that, or it’s someone else’s fault.

* They seem to lurch from one drama or crisis to the next, never acknowledging the fact that they are the common denominator in creating their own crises. They often seem oblivious to reality.

* They make very little effort to learn from their mistakes or to analyse what went wrong, even though they claim to do so. The ‘poor me’ attitude may be a crutch, but it also creates anger, resentment and frustration in others.

* Lack of self-esteem and self-confidence typically depends on others’ reactions. When others praise someone with ‘poor me’ syndrome, their self-esteem rises; when they’re criticized, they feel worthless. In psychological terms, this is known as ‘external orientation’, which is not a place you want to be.

The good news is that the ‘poor me’ syndrome is a learned behaviour; no one is born like this. Through poor coping mechanisms and repeated habitual responses, it becomes ingrained into a person’s psyche and starts to become their normality. However, it’s far from normal, and it’s certainly not healthy. Fortunately, you have the power to change it.

VICTIM MENTALITY

This is much more serious and, thankfully, not that common. If any of this sounds like you, I would lovingly advise speaking to a mental health practitioner.

‘Victim mentality’ is a psychological term that refers to a type of dysfunctional mindset whereby a person seeks out the feeling and circumstances of being ‘persecuted’ in order to get attention or avoid taking responsibility for themselves.

People who struggle with a victim mentality are positive that life is not only beyond their control, it is out to deliberately and specifically hurt them.

This is very destructive.

A victim is convinced that happiness can be derived only from outside of themselves and is constantly searching for external validation. If the world, the people they meet and their experiences don’t make them happy, they will be unhappy. Victims truly believe they have no power to change their circumstances.

Some of the characteristic behaviours are:

* Not taking responsibility for their actions or inactions

* Wanting people to lavish them with attention

* Making people feel sorry for them by constantly talking about how hard their life is. This means people are less likely to criticize or upset them for fear of seeming ‘mean’

* Feeling they have the ‘right’ to complain

* Getting validation from telling people their stories

* Love of perpetual drama; it keeps them busy

* Avoidance and sidestepping of anger, and focusing instead on feeling sad

Oddly, this behaviour can make people feel quite powerful. It gives them the power and justification to avoid responsibility, the power to feel ‘righteously’ sad and persecuted, the power to avoid uncomfortable emotions and the power to manipulate other people.

Not only does it reward the person with a victim mentality with not having to take responsibility for their behaviour (because ‘other people’ are always responsible), it also prevents them from feeling uncomfortable emotions like guilt and anger, while at the same time making them feel ‘cared for’ by others.

Such people rarely see the impact this behaviour has on those around them. Accepting that you will never be able to please a victim becomes very common among both loved ones and work colleagues.

While I’m no therapist (and, as I said, I strongly recommend you see one if you feel you are exhibiting any of these behaviours), there are some simple tips to address this way of thinking.

1.

REPLACE ‘YOU’ WITH ‘I’

This can help teach people to take more responsibility for their own happiness. It also helps with communication with others. Instead of saying, ‘You made me mad,’ say, ‘I feel angry when you behave like that.’

2.

SWITCH FROM VICTIM TO SURVIVOR

A victim fights against life; a survivor embraces it.

A victim lives in the past; a survivor lives in the present.

A victim believes they’re helpless; a survivor takes back control.

Note: Although the victim mentality is addictive, the survivor mentality is much more empowering in the long run.

3.

DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP

Victim mentality is a trained behaviour, so the more gentle you can be with yourself as you learn to untangle it and get help, the easier it will be to change.

4.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

Start to notice all the ways you shy away from responsibility. This can be hard to look at and accept, but be honest with yourself. Think about how gaining sympathy from other people made you feel special, wanted or loved, and how it makes the cycle of blaming others continue.

5.

SERVICE TO OTHERS

When we play the victim, we tend to be focused on ourselves. It’s time to get yourself out of your head by doing something for someone else. Realizing that you can feel good without manipulating another person is a great way to curb the victim mentality.

EXERC*SE:

STOP THE SELF-PITY

Trust me, the ‘poor me’ syndrome might feel good temporarily, but it is the very worst thing you can do if you want to fix your shit.

We all go through times when we feel the world is against us. Let’s be honest, we all go through times when we are sure the world is against us. Everything that could go wrong does go wrong, and it seems relentless.

It’s OK during these times to feel sorry for ourselves; it’s human nature. We all do it, myself included. The problem is, when we stay stuck feeling like this for prolonged periods of time, our perception becomes our reality.

Stop for a second and ask yourself, how are these feelings serving you? Are they helping you? Are they lifting you out of the ditch or digging you deeper?

The trick when we get stuck in this rut is to use these feelings as an engine, not a brake. Turn them into a strength. I know this sounds and probably feels counterintuitive, but it’s like rocket fuel when you get it right.

Imagine every little shitty thing that’s happened to you, everything that’s been going wrong, and picture it as fuel for your fire. Turn every negative thing into a strength. Use it to drive you forward.

One sure-fire way of dealing with self-pity is to replace it with gratitude. When you are in the midst of feeling like life is against you, it’s hard to feel grateful for anything. Yet this is exactly the time that you need to remind yourself of all the things you have to be grateful for. Even if they seem like very small things!

You can start by writing down three things that you have to be grateful for in life – it might be your dog, your best friend, your partner, your health, the fact that it’s a sunny day … Often, remembering the beauty in the simplest things, the things that we mostly take for granted, reminds us that life isn’t so bad after all.