LATE ON MONDAY AFTERNOON, THREE DAYS AFTER her New Year’s excursion with Trevor, Penny stood at the large glass windows looking out on the library parking lot. Darkness had already fallen over Kings Meadow, and for some reason, the hush in the building felt . . . ominous.
“That’s silly,” she muttered.
Maybe if she could stop thinking about Trevor, she wouldn’t be in this strange mood. They’d had such a wonderful time together in Boise. Every moment had seemed perfection. Right up until they left the mall for the drive home. By then Trevor had seemed . . . different. He’d pulled away from her in a way she couldn’t quite define.
And other than when he was tending to the livestock, he hadn’t spent time at the ranch. He hadn’t been unfriendly or discourteous. Just withdrawn. Distracted. Never completely engaged in any conversation she’d had with him.
Better not to let yourself care so much.
That advice was as easy to follow as telling herself not to breathe as much.
Because I love him. Completely, thoroughly love him.
How had she allowed that to happen? Shouldn’t she have known that not following a plan, that living in the moment, would end with heartbreak?
“Miss Cartwright?”
The soft female voice surprised Penny from her thoughts. She turned around to find Sharon Malone—the middle daughter of the high school principal—standing nearby, a slip of yellow scratch paper in her hand.
The girl held it toward her. “I can’t find this book on the shelf. Is it checked out?”
“Let’s see, shall we?” Glad for something to do, welcoming any diversion, Penny walked to the computer behind the library checkout counter. In moments, she knew the desired book should be on the shelf. She jotted down the call number. “It’s in the library, Sharon. Maybe someone used it and then put it back in the wrong place. That happens.”
For the next fifteen minutes or so, Penny and Sharon searched the library stacks for the missing book. By the time the book was found, Sharon’s dad, Ken, had arrived to take her home.
“I just need to check this book out, Dad,” the girl called to him in a stage whisper.
“Okay.” He waved at Penny. “No rush.”
Penny waved back as she took both book and library card from Sharon. When the checkout was finished, Sharon stuffed the book into her backpack, adding it to at least four or five large school textbooks. Then she slung the bag over one shoulder and hurried toward her dad.
A few minutes later, the front doors closed behind the last library patron, and Penny was able to begin locking up and shutting down for the night. But with the silence came thoughts of Trevor again. Would he still be at the ranch when she got home or would he have departed already? Would they have a chance to talk? Would he tell her what troubled him?
The last of her tasks accomplished, Penny went to the back room and put on her warm winter outerwear. She glanced over her shoulder, hoping she hadn’t forgotten anything while thinking about Trevor. Then with a sigh, she went out into the cold, dark evening, locking the dead bolt behind her.
The smell of snow was in the air, and it didn’t please her to think of it. She’d welcomed those first snowfalls of the season, as she did every year. Now she dreaded the thought of more snow. She was tired of white. Even more tired of piles of dirty snow pushed to the sides of the roads and parking lots. She had a sudden and fierce longing for spring, for new life and fresh beginnings. She was tired of dark and dormant.
She got into her car and started the engine, then pressed her forehead against the cold steering wheel. “God, I feel so lost right now. I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t. But I do. And I’m afraid. I’m afraid because I let myself care for Trevor, and now . . . now . . . What if he can’t love me in return?”
Trevor finished mucking out the stall and put fresh feed in the manger. A short while later, he returned Harmony to the enclosure, where she promptly plunged her muzzle into the fragrant alfalfa hay. Crunching sounds broke the silence of the barn.
“You’ve had something weighing on your mind these past few days,” Rodney said from near the front entrance.
Trevor turned. “I didn’t know you were still out here, sir.”
The older man moved toward him, his expression thoughtful, his steps unhurried. “Is it something you don’t want to talk about? You can tell me if it’s none of my business.”
“No.” He shook his head. “It’s not that. It’s that I don’t know how to talk about it.” He leaned his back against the stall railings.
Rodney sat on a wooden stool not far away. He crossed his arms over his chest, saying without words that he could be patient.
Trevor released a sigh as he sank onto a storage bin. “You know, I can’t remember a time when my father was willing to sit, like you are now, and listen to anything I had to say. Most of the time when we were together or when we talked on the phone, he just let me know what a disappointment I was as a son.”
“I’m sorry, Trevor. Very sorry. I’m sure that wasn’t easy for you.”
He didn’t know why he’d brought up his dad. That wasn’t what had been weighing on his mind, as Rodney had put it. It was something else entirely. Ever since Beck’s call, he’d been trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his music. What he should do. A few months ago, maybe even a few weeks ago, he wouldn’t have wondered for a second. He would have known in a heartbeat. He’d always wanted fame and fortune. Wanted it more than anything else. He’d wanted to be one of those grinning singers who ran up onto the stage to receive an award. He’d wanted to rub shoulders as an equal with the greats of country music. All the greats. From those who’d been playing and singing for fifty years to teenagers who’d recently burst onto the scene. But now—
“Tell me more about your father,” Rodney prompted gently.
Trevor shrugged. “He didn’t have much kindness in him. Not toward anybody. Including Mom.” He drew in a long, slow breath and released it. “I’ve tried to forgive him for the way he was, but it’s been hard.”
Rodney scratched his head with an index finger. “Life is messy. And like they say, ‘Hurting people hurt people.’ From the little Dot told me about your father, I’m guessing he was full of hurt.”
His dad full of hurt? Yeah, Trevor supposed that was true. His dad had been raised by a widowed father on a farm on the prairies of North Dakota. Judging by the few photographs Trevor had seen, they’d lived in extreme poverty. His father had fought hard to be allowed to complete high school, even though Trevor’s grandfather wanted him working the farm. And he’d taken on two jobs to put himself through college. Once married, he’d provided well financially for his wife and son, despite the way he wielded words to wound those nearest to him.
“I guess he did the best he could,” Trevor said, more to himself than to Rodney.
“That’s how we go through life. Just doing the best we can do at the time. Perhaps tomorrow we’ll be able to do better. But for today, we do the best we can. And along the way we try to get the log out of our own eye before we help someone take the speck out of theirs.”
“Something Jesus said. Right?”
“Yes.”
Trevor stared at a piece of straw, rolling it between thumb and index finger.
“Mind if I tell you a story?”
“Of course not.” He looked up. The only light in the barn came from a lantern sitting on the workbench behind Rodney, which kept the older man’s face in shadows.
“When I was a little kid, maybe five years old, my mom and I went to a carnival. Or maybe it was the fair. Anyway, somebody gave me a bunch of helium-filled balloons. I about got a crick in my neck, bending my head back so I could look up at them.” He chuckled softly. “Well, it got real crowded all of a sudden. I got jostled between folks and separated from my mom. It scared me so much I let go of all of those strings.”
Trevor had played enough fairs to imagine the scene.
“That bouquet of balloons floated away. They went higher and higher. And you know what? I liked the look of them more from a distance.”
Trevor knew the older man watched him, although he couldn’t see the expression in his eyes.
“It’s like that with a lot of the things we hold on to, son. Good and bad. We grip those strings tight, not wanting to ever let go. They’re ours and we want to hang on. We don’t want to let go of the things or the people we love and we don’t want to let go of the pain others cause us. Not by accident and not on purpose. Because they’re familiar, I guess. But the truth is, letting go gives us freedom to see what we’ve released from a whole new perspective.”
Funny, the effect Rodney’s words had on him. It was as if he was that kid at the fair, but instead of a bunch of balloons, his strings were tied to the hurt and resentment he felt whenever he thought of his father. He stared at those imaginary strings while pondering Rodney’s words, letting them sink in. And finally, as he sat there in the dim light of the barn, he felt himself let go of those strings. Through the eyes of his new faith, he watched them float away.
I forgive you, Dad. I really do forgive you.
It was going to be okay. He was going to be okay.
“Thanks,” he said after a long while.
Rodney nodded. “Don’t know why I even thought of that story. Just seemed like the thing to tell you.” He cleared his throat. “But I feel like there’s something else troubling you. Am I wrong?”
Trevor almost shook his head, almost confessed the confusion he’d wrestled with since Beck’s second phone call, almost explained the decision he needed to make. But then he realized his confusion was gone. He was at peace with more than just the memories of his father. And it wasn’t Rodney he needed to talk to about it anyway.