A. It’s said that all alcoholics eventually stop drinking; the ones who join AA get to stop drinking in their lifetime. If you are reading this book, I’m guessing you are looking for some clarity on how to stop using or drinking—or both.
So how do you do it?
For starters, go to a ton of meetings. When I was newly sober, I had the gift of unemployment, so I made nine meetings a week. How many meetings should you attend? All you can. I once heard a guy say, “I only need one meeting a week, so I go to seven meetings a week, because I never know which one is the meeting I’ll need.”
Next, consider “people, places, and things.” We don’t drink or use in a vacuum. There are certain locations that just remind us of getting drunk or high, and you’ll want to avoid those if possible. Wherever you used to use or meet your dealer definitely qualifies. So do bars, from dives to seven-star hotels.
We may have drinking or drugging buddies. They are going to laugh at you, be threatened by you, or both if you inform them that you are trying to get clean. Just stay away from them. They will get you high well before you can get them sober.
Things? Maybe it’s time to get rid of your wine collection (gasp!). Your bong. Your beer can collection. That little spoon you wear around your neck. You can’t keep that stuff in your home and expect that you’ll be able to get or stay sober. Need cigarettes? Don’t buy them where you used to buy your booze. Delete your dealer’s contact from your smartphone (if it were really smart, it would have deleted the contact already).
Get to know people in meetingsII and get their phone numbers. Hang around with them before and after meetings. Tell them you’re trying to get clean and ask if they can help you.
Get a “sobriety date” and defend it. The day after your most recent use or drink is your sobriety date. Don’t just count days and then start over if you pick up. Instead, tattoo your sobriety date on your forehead so everyone can see it. Okay, that last suggestion is just metaphorical. When you have and defend a sobriety date, you are far more likely to stay sober than if you are just “counting days.”
Go to the same meetings repeatedly, so that people can get to know you. Big cities offer thousands of meetings per week. Don’t be a stranger by going to thirty different meetings in thirty days. Instead, let people get to know you, and you work on getting to know them.
Get a sponsor (about which more later). Just go up to someone who seems remotely sane (again, to avoid possible power differentials and messy relationship issues, look for someone with whom romantic entanglements or sexual motivations will not pop up) and ask, “Will you sponsor me?” You don’t have to know what that means, but you’ll find out later in the book. The person you ask already knows.
Get to meetings early and don’t leave until at least fifteen minutes after the meeting ends. This maximizes the chances of getting to know people in the group, and allowing other people to get to know you.
Sit up front. They call the back row of meetings the “slipper seats” because that’s where people who chronically slip tend to feel comfortable. If you sit up front, you’ll catch more of what the speaker has to say. It’s not a comedy club—the speaker won’t ask where you’re from or what you do for work. Trust me, the speaker is only thinking about the speaker.
Ask your Higher Power (more to come on this vital topic) for help. Ask for the obsession with alcohol, drugs, sugar, sex, or whatever to be removed. This doesn’t mean you won’t have sex ever again. It does mean that the sex you have won’t land you in jail or a clinic to get treatment for a disease you can’t spell.
Read the literature of your Twelve Step fellowship. Some people say the easiest way to hide a $100 bill from an alcoholic is to stick it in his Big Book. Whatever fellowship you’re in, read that fellowship’s Big Book or Basic Text, the AA Big Book (it set the tone for all the others), or both. Learn all you can about addiction and recovery. The material is just sitting there in a pile or on racks in the meeting room. Grab some. It’s free.
Get meeting lists, which provide the names, phone numbers, and often email addresses of the members of each group. Even call random people on the list. They will be surprisingly happy to hear from you. It’s free.
Work the Twelve Step slogans:
“Turn it over”: whatever you’re going through—and ask your Higher Power for help.
“Think”: don’t just operate on automatic pilot.
“First things first”: do what you need to do, and only then do what you want to do. Pay your bills if you can. Get a job or keep the job you have.
“Live and let live”: quit trying to control everyone around you, and go enjoy your own life. It’s amazing how much more time and money you’ll have now that you’re clean.
“But for the grace of God”: just think of where your life would be if you hadn’t cleaned up.
“Just for today”: you can drink and use all you want tomorrow. I have a friend who often says in meetings, “I’ll be getting drunk at 12:01 a.m.,” and then he names the bar where you can find him. Of course, since AA is a day-at-a-time program, we only have to not drink (or not drug or not whatever) just for these twenty-four hours.
Once it’s 12:01 a.m., it’s a new day, so he won’t drink that day, either.
And above all, “Easy does it” . . . but do it! The old-timers suggest we wear our program like a loose garment and not allow the halo to slip down from over our heads and choke us.
If need be, take things one breath at a time. The decision to stop using or drinking is a solitary one. It’s just something we all do, like being born, or dying.
Narcotics Anonymous will have its own specific suggestions about how to stop taking drugs. The same is true of Marijuana Anonymous, and so on. The program supports you when you’ve made the decision to stop drinking, using, or continuing any of the behaviors you know have been keeping you from living your best life. Twelve Step programs help you face and make the changes that you need in your life.