Special days
Although special days and celebrations are really part of parenting negotiations, they can cause so many issues that we have given the topic its very own chapter.
When you’re a newly separated person, the first Christmas or Eid or Hanukkah or Diwali can really take on a massively outsized significance, and can lead to enormous conflict between you and your ex. And boy, don’t those fights roll around quickly.
For most if not all family lawyers, the busiest season is September through to February, and that’s mainly due to people fighting about Christmas plans when they’re separated, or they’re separating post-Christmas after yet another hideous holiday season. In fact, Rebekah has been a real pain about writing her share of this book because it’s October.
There are a few different ways to organise Christmas Day, and again it will largely depend on your kids’ ages. You will have considered this in your parenting plan or your consent orders, but disputes about Christmas are, again, why the last three months of the year are money-making gold for family lawyers.
A year-about split schedule works like this:
The kids are with parent 1 from midday Christmas Eve to midday Christmas Day, and with parent 2 from midday Christmas Day to midday Boxing Day. |
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Year two (say, odd-numbered years) |
The kids will be with parent 2 from midday Christmas Eve to midday Christmas Day, and with parent 1 from midday Christmas Day to midday Boxing Day. |
These arrangements apply regardless of which parent the children are spending time with immediately before Christmas Eve. It’s definitely a bit awful waking up on Christmas morning without your kids (our tip—sleep in as late as you possibly can and don’t go on social media, where every update will be pictures of smiling, happy families sharing in the Christmas spirit), but it’s very exciting when they get home at midday. With this schedule, every second year you can plan a big Christmas Eve party, and every other year you can have a lovely Christmas lunch with your children.
The downside is, of course, that you can’t ever really go away over the Christmas break. If you’ve always wanted a white Christmas and you live in the tropics, you’ll never get to have that—not until the kids are older, anyway. Also, after spending time with both families at Christmas, the children are usually feral, sugar-fuelled nuclear bombs by about 6 p.m. If they are going to their other parent at midday, it can be tempting to give them more red cordial and a set of the cheap crayons that don’t wash off walls just before they go, but this would be very bad parenting.
Splitting Christmas means that the kids get to spend time with both their parents and families on Christmas Day, and that’s really important. Other families swap Christmas Day and Boxing Day year on, year off, and often find that works well, too, although the downside is that the kids can’t see both their parents on Christmas Day. It does mean that no one is necessarily travelling on Christmas Day, though, and if you have family who live more than an hour away, with this schedule you can see them on Christmas Day as well, instead of being tied down to a strict deadline to either pick up or drop off your kids on the day.
An important consideration here is talking through with your kids (if they’re old enough—say, over ten or eleven) what they would prefer.
Playing happy families at Christmas—give it time
The good news is that even the most hideous, angry divorces can ultimately turn into functional friendships or at least cooperative co-parenting relationships, given the passage of time and the ceasing of jerk-like behaviours, and family functions (such as shared Christmases that don’t require military-level planning skills) can once again be held with both of the former spouses present.
But that’s not going to happen overnight.
One woman we know was faced with infidelity during a very long (thirty-five-year) marriage and her husband ultimately left and married his affair partner. After some time had passed (ten-plus years) it was possible for the former couple to come together as friends at major family functions (such as birthdays, baptisms, weddings, funerals) without any antipathy or anger. The trick here is to give it time—it really does heal (most) wounds.
As tempting as it is to try to normalise matters as quickly as possible, if you’ve left a marriage, give your former spouse time to recover. It’s not fair to rush them into a new, non-romantic relationship with you when you’ve devastated all their hopes and dreams for their future.
It may take a lot more time than you think. Don’t force your former spouse into accepting your new spouse into their life—it’s disrespectful and unfair, and it’s not going to work. You might want to play happy families and absolve yourself of guilt over the pain you’ve caused, but it doesn’t work that way.
If you’ve been left, don’t feel you have to accept anything you’re not comfortable with. You don’t have to agree to shared family Christmases for ‘the sake of the children’ or having your ex and their new partner at your kids’ birthday parties if you’re not up to it. In fact, Rebekah would prefer that you didn’t agree to it, as she has dealt with more than one client being arrested on Christmas Day after an all-in brawl kicked off—family lawyers deserve time off for Christmas Day too.
Don’t feel bad about not being ready to share these special days. The time will probably come when you can easily (if not happily) be in the company of your ex, but for most people that’s a good five or ten years down the track, especially if the split was very acrimonious.
Case study—Stephanie and Peter
Stephanie and Peter separated after four years of marriage. They had one child together, Penny, who was three, and Peter had two children from his previous marriage—Anna (seven) and George (nine), whom he had shared custody of. Stephanie felt that since Peter already had Anna and George for half of Christmas Day, Penny should spend the whole day with her, and spend Boxing Day with Peter. She didn’t want to be by herself for any part of Christmas Day.
Peter felt that Penny should be able to spend time with her siblings on Christmas Day, and that he should be able to spend time with Penny as well. He preferred a year-about split Christmas Day, which is what he had with Anna and George.
Stephanie refused to compromise and the matter eventually went to the Family Court for a decision. The court ordered that Penny spend Christmases in odd-numbered years with Stephanie, and Christmases in even-numbered years with Peter.
This was not the outcome Stephanie expected, despite her legal advice to the contrary, and she was very upset. She thought that she would be able to get a year-about split if she didn’t get the whole day. Peter was angry that the matter had had to go to court, and refused to then compromise on the split day.
The legal costs for both parties were in excess of $40 000.
While Stephanie and Peter’s situation is a common one, and one that all family lawyers have dealt with, there can also be times when, after some time has passed, parents can come together without acrimony, and sometimes even as friends.
John and Ellie divorced twelve years ago, after nineteen years of marriage. They had two children, Mark and David. Mark and David were now both married, and between them had five children. A few months before Christmas, Mark sent both John and Ellie a text message asking them to his house for Christmas lunch with David and all the children.
John had had an affair at the end of the marriage, and had married his affair partner, but that relationship had since ended. Both John and Ellie were very worried about how the lunch would go, as they had seldom seen each other in the intervening years. To their surprise, Christmas lunch was wonderful, and they both had a lovely day playing with their grandchildren and reminiscing about their own children’s Christmases.
John found that he really liked Ellie’s husband, Michael, and he was very glad to see Ellie so happy, as he had always thought of her as one of his best friends during their marriage. Ellie felt as though an enormous weight had been lifted from her shoulders and she was very glad that her relationship with John had been normalised. She had missed his friendship and was very glad to have the opportunity to create a new grandparenting relationship with him.
Birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Grandparent’s Day and other special days
Make sure you include arrangements for birthdays and other special days in your parenting plans or consent orders. We spoke briefly about this in Chapter 6. Children want to spend time on their birthdays with both their parents, and you will naturally wish to spend time with your child as well.
The Act specifies that substantial and significant care means that the time the child spends with the parent allows:
• the child to be involved in occasions and events that are of special significance to the parent
• the parent to be involved in the child’s daily routine; and occasions and events that are of particular significance to the child.
If you’re not at the point where you can amicably go out for dinner with your ex and your child on your child’s birthday, then your orders or plan can include provisions whereby the parent who did not spend time with the child on the morning of their birthday can spend time with them in the afternoon. For example, you could pick them up from school and go out for afternoon tea, or an early dinner. However, if taking your child out for dinner on their birthday is important to you and your ex, it’s only fair that you alternate years so you both have the opportunity to do so.
It’s also important to have a plan for birthday parties. It’s pretty dysfunctional to have two separate birthday parties each year for your child with the same kids invited, and, frankly, it makes you fodder for school-gate gossip among the parents. You don’t want your kid to be put in the position where everyone knows their family is dysfunctional. No one wants to buy two presents or go to two parties for the one kid, and you can be sure that the other parents will whinge about it, probably within earshot of their children, who will repeat it back verbatim to your child, their teacher, the school custodian and the vice-principal.
A good approach here is to agree that parent 1 will hold parties in even-numbered years and parent 2 will hold parties in odd-numbered years. The best approach, of course, is to get to the point where you can amicably both host your child’s birthday party together without NATO having to negotiate the terms, but that day may be some time off, or may never come.
For days like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, make sure your orders or plan allows for your kids to be dropped off the day before so that you can spend time with them. There’s nothing sadder than mooching around by yourself when everyone else is enjoying the day with their kids.
If you alternate weekends with the kids, then it may just be easier to have orders that allow for alternate weekends taking into account Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. It will all equal out in the wash, especially if the orders will be in place for a good decade.
If, however, your ex is the same sex as you, you will have to ensure that your orders include a split Mother’s or Father’s Day, or alternate years (so the kids are with parent 1 in even-numbered years and parent 2 in odd-numbered years), so that you can both have the opportunity to celebrate that day with your kids.
Some families have to also make arrangements as to which grandparent is allowed to turn up to their grandchild’s school Grandparent’s Day. We have seen many cases where things have gone badly wrong at such events. If the grandparents cannot get along, then a year-about schedule is generally the fairest option. The worst outcome would be for the child to feel anxious or worried because both (or all) grandparents turn up and fight with one another, or, even worse, are cold and silent. It’s hardly the point of Grandparent’s Day, is it?