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Timberly
A smile seeps over my face as I snuggle down into the cloud like couch watching a carefree Lilly talk away, a warm fuzzy feeling burns in my core from this drink that is beyond anything I’ve ever tasted. Tiny fleeting moments I'm happy, carefree, me, living laughing sitting here enjoying the conversation with Lilly, well she’s doing most of the talking, I really believe her when she says she misses female contact as all the men down there and the women seem to be rather unsavory, out for sex alone by the looks of it. Sex to me is disgusting. I'm not one bit interested in doing it. I have not once received or had pleasure from it, only pain and the feeling of utter filth. Not like these women here when I was watching them downstairs they all seem to be really enjoying throwing their bodies at the men and having them paw all over them grinding. I'm not like these women here I'm not judging, I would love to experience it with lust, love, passion, fire, carefree and fun. But no, they took that, she let them take that.
Sold my innocence to them for a bag of coke, slipping back into dark memories from her hold and their breath, the rape, the abuse, the beatings and then the last what was it month of torment with fleeting moments of ok I got this but nope no matter how much I say I’m I ok I’m strong you have this Timberly on lock down I don’t I feel it then as I hear the footsteps my body on high alert and my soul is running scared as the good angel hides and the bad angel sits back with a drink she is no help. Panic attacking me anxiety ripping up through me as sweats beads down my spine and my palms sweat fuck me my pulse loud in my ears. The heavy sounding steps sounding down the hall, stopping outside the door, I still in the couch before my body jumps like I have been electrocuted shooting back into it and the force and fright of it causes me to drop my glass it crashes to the floor the hot deep brown liquid runs out over the fluffy white rug under my feet ice chips dancing in the light heat flashes through me as a whole new cool run through my blood. I hear a startled gasp and catch the movement of a figure out the corner of my eye.
Lilly... I think it’s just Lilly.... Or is it? That’s the question...
Welcome to the show that is you Timberly you, girly are bat shit crazy delusions and fear rip through you like the hot breath of a dark kiss from the devil and you fall each and every fucking time. I hear the bad angel that is now filing her nails looking at me with a scowl and disappointment etched over her face as the Good Angel rocks in the fetal position on the floor at the Dark Angels feet.
Blinking back the tears that are pooling wanting to drop, I will not allow them to fall, I will not give them to the monsters that take me claim my body and shatter my soul, or the Dark Angel who taunts me and shows me time and again that she is right that I am the poor excuse for a woman who cowers in the dark not worthy for anything but death.
I watch the door handle turn the dark figure stepping in, a sweet-sounding voice behind me is that is not Ghost, not my Savior. Turning I blink up as I count the steps coming behind me, 1,2,3,4 is she an angel? 5,6,7,8, have my prayers finally been answered, 9,10,11,12 her lips are moving but I can’t hear a word of what she is saying, 13,14,15,16 no more steps no more counting just the angels mouth moving, my heart pounding I feel it jumping of my chest wall, then I feel it the Smokey smelling breath and cold hands on my shoulder, shutting my eyes I allow the dark to take me to my happy place, sunshine birdsong, and dancing sunflowers.