Hotaka groaned and rolled over, wondering where he was but too exhausted to investigate. At least he was alive, he decided; the aches and pains told him that. The light did, too, as little as there was. Life and light went together, didn’t they?
But what was that sound?
He had no idea where it was coming from. It could’ve been in his head for all he knew. That would explain why he couldn’t shut it out; it was already inside him. Nor could he say what it was exactly – a jumble of sounds, nothing definable. Noise.
All he could say for certain was that he hated it. It made his skin creep. Not because it was loud; it was the opposite, in fact. Muffled, as if hidden. Hiding. Like a demon waiting to pounce
And what of the light? It was only a sliver, but it was shining into his eyes. They were already sore, and the light made them sting even more.
So he closed them.
The moment his lids shut, the strange sound exploded. It instantly filled his head – huge and blaring – a freight train in his brain. Screeching, roaring, grinding, shouting, shrieking, squealing, crunching, snarling, crying, yelling, thumping, gnarling, groaning.
He tried to open his eyes, but they were locked shut, imprisoning him in a suffocating blackness that flickered and flared with nightmares. Visions came thick and fast, crowding each other out, spiders scrambling through his mind.
Something grabbed him. A beast? The demon? Whatever it was, it held him down. He struggled, striking out, but the grip tightened.
‘Get away,’ he yelled.
‘Hotaka!’
Tentacles folded around him. Tight. Tighter.
‘Leave me alone!’
‘It’s okay.’
Too tight!
‘It’s me. You’re safe. Safe.’
The voice. He could only just hear it through the noise, but he knew it. The scent, too. And the tentacles were arms, folding around him. He stopped struggling and slowly opened his eyes.
‘Okāsan?’ He peered up at the face close to his.
‘Of course,’ his mother whispered. ‘Who did you think it was?’
She hugged him so tight that it hurt, her face wet with tears, her body racked by sobs. Eventually she pulled back, holding him at arm’s length, smiling and weeping at the same time. A thin shaft of light fell across her face, allowing Hotaka to see the strain and pain etched upon it.
‘My beautiful son. You’re back with me at last.’
Back? Where had he been?
Hotaka was completely confused. He’d just been drowning in a sea of nightmares. Now he was with his mother, aching all over. He gazed about his dim surroundings, gradually realising that the sliver of light was daylight, coming through a slit in some curtains. His bedroom curtains. He looked down at himself; he was in his pyjamas. His bed. Yes, his room. What did it all mean?
That sound in his head was sneaking back, enough to make him shake a little.
His mother noticed. ‘You’re safe, Hotaka,’ she assured him. ‘Relax.’
Relax? What was she talking about? Impossible.
‘There’s so much in my head,’ he whimpered. ‘Bad things, stuff I can’t bear thinking about. It’s all I can do not to see them, or hear them. They keep creeping up on me. So real and yet too awful to be real.’ He grabbed his mother’s arm. ‘Tell me none of it is real. Say it’s all a nightmare. Please!’
His mother reached out and gently stroked his face. ‘It’s a nightmare, all right. But it is real, I’m sorry to say – a real nightmare that isn’t over yet, that will be with us for a long time, I fear.’
She shifted a little so that the light from his window spilled onto a pillow and blanket beside his futon.
‘Did you sleep here last night?’
‘I had to watch over you. You were in terrible shape, even running a fever. You were shouting, screaming, in and out of consciousness.’
‘What do you mean? What happened to me?’
His mother stared incredulously at him. ‘Do you remember anything about yesterday?’
He shrugged. ‘Like I said, my head is full of stuff. Nothing is clear. Nothing. It’s like static, interference that won’t let me think straight.’
‘Well, let me tell you this, then. You almost died yesterday.’
‘What?’
‘I’d searched everywhere for you, ever since mid-afternoon. I was never going to give up, but as the night wore on I began to prepare for the worst. You weren’t found until almost midnight. You were face-down in the mud, barely breathing, hypothermic. The medico said it was a miracle you were alive!’
‘Where was I?’
‘Down near the harbour.’
Hotaka was having trouble hearing his mother. Sirens sounded, and his whole room seemed to rumble and shake as he tried to piece things together. ‘Abe-sensei told us to go home. She took the others.’
‘The others? What others? Where did she take them?’
‘Up the hill. To safety.’ Hotaka stopped, pressing his hands against his head, the pressure becoming too much. ‘And then she told us to go home. Just the two of us.’
‘Who were you with, Hotaka?’
His mother pressed closer, but it was almost impossible to hear her for the noises in his head.
‘Hotaka.’ Her face was right in front of his. ‘Who was with you? Takeshi?’
As soon as his mother said the name, someone screamed it as well. Hotaka heard the scream, and knew it was his own. At the same time, his mother’s face was replaced by Takeshi’s, blue with cold – only a flash, and then his mother’s was there again.
‘Was Takeshi with you when the tsunami hit?’
Tsunami! The word howled at him.
‘Don’t know,’ Hotaka yelled, struggling with the noise that was everywhere now. ‘I think so, yes. But then he wasn’t with me.’
‘Did he go home?’
‘Home?’
‘Hotaka! Where did Takeshi go?’
Hotaka struggled to reply, unable to reach the dark place where the answer hid. He stared at his mother, trembling. He could see Takeshi behind her, ghost-like, thrashing about in the swirling thing.
‘Don’t know!’ Hotaka gasped, and collapsed onto his futon, exhausted. ‘Don’t know.’
‘Oh, my boy,’ his mother replied, gently stroking his forehead. ‘You’ve been through jigoku.’
She was right, Hotaka thought as her soft fingers lulled him back to sleep. He did feel as if he’d been through some kind of hell. Whether he’d come out the other side, though, he couldn’t tell.